Supernova
by ThisCharmingWoman
Summary: Stella Swift doesn’t understand the Twilight craze, but when a strange guy and curiosity pull her in, her life changes forever. Can love last lifetimes? Can fiction be anything but fiction? Full Summary inside!
1. Preface

**Preface**

I am the girl millions of girls wish they could be. The man every girl dreams of being in love with is in love with me. I'm not talking hypothetical, perfect girl/boy stuff. In fact, when I say this, I'm being extremely specific. I am the Bella Swan to his Edward Cullen. Literally. Now, what do I do about it?

I guess I should be elated with joy that I've found a love like this, or rather that it found me. I mean, I am, who wouldn't be? I feel so whole because of it, more than I ever have, even at my most confident, self-assured moments. It just feels right, like destiny. Every fibre of my being knows this is what I was meant for all along. But at the same time, I'm terrified. The person I thought I was, the life I had planned before all of this has been blown to pieces and now I don't know anything about anything. He's offering me something that will alter my life for the rest of eternity, that would make sure we would be together forever. This is my chance to leave the stress and uncertainty of regular life behind. I could run off with a man who is presumably the love of my life and live this carefree existence of reckless abandonment, without worries or limits. And the best part is that I would have him. He would be mine and I would be his. Every voice in my head is screaming at me to take the chance, to make a risk and do it, but I don't know if I can.

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**A/N: I figured a Preface might make more sense of things, so you get an idea of where the story is going before it gets there. It's a bit short but the jist of the conflict of the story is there. Hopefully the way things are going to unfold become a bit clearer, without completely taking away the suspense. The full summary of what the story is about is in the first chapter if you haven't checked that out already. Thanks for reading! **


	2. The Craze

**A/N: Before you guys read the first chapter, I ask you keep an open mind. Reason being the main character is not exactly a Twilight fan (yet) and is overwhelmed by the craze. I played devil's advocate a bit with the main character, Stella Swift, maybe got a little carried away. It's interesting to see things in a different pov though in terms of the twilight phenomenon. Anyway, just know it's not always going to be like this, and the reason she may seem a little brutal is because she doesn't understand the craze and hasn't read the books. The idea for this story toys with two different concepts (1)Can love last lifetimes? and (2) what if Edward Cullen/Twilight were real? In this fic, Bella was never changed and lived out her life with Edward like Edward had wanted at the end of Twilight, so she eventually did die. It may seem a little far off right now but if you stick with this one and read through it'll all unfold and it'll make more sense. The synopsis was a challenge, I'm still kind of iffy but it's the jist of the story..Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it, review if you don't mind and have a good one! **

**Synopsis**

The Twilight series is one that has taken over the masses and turned millions into 'twi-hards' in love with the same story and same character: Edward Cullen. The phenomenon has struck everyone except for Stella Swift. Stella is an average nineteen year old university student and a book lover who is openly not a fan of Twilight. Surrounded by a craze she doesn't understand and a new guy with striking similarities to the fictional vampire of every tween's dreams sparks her curiosity that will change her life forever. Follow Stella as she unravels the mysteries surrounding her life and answers the question: Can true love last lifetimes? And also explores the notion: What if fiction is anything but fiction?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight, I'm simply making use of the wonderful world Stephenie Meyer created!

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**1. The Craze**

Everywhere I turn, it's there. Every conversation I over hear mentions it at least five times. Every girl clutches a copy of it to her heart, swooning and tingling over a fictional character and a fictional love story. Every boy is rolling their eyes, knowing they can't live up to what isn't real and are waiting until the craze is over. I am left standing in the corner, seemingly the only girl on Earth who is not obsessed with Twilight.

Ever since it was slated to be made into a movie, the book series known only by a cult of gangly, female bookworms huddled in the teen fantasy section of the bookstore was now being read by millions of girls of all kinds, each falling in love for the perfect man, which alone does not exist. But now, thanks to the imaginative mind of Stephenie Meyer, the 'perfect man' now has a name: Edward Cullen. Of course, the perfect man isn't attainable for all girls. Thankfully, there are sub-perfect men by the names of Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle. But, there are non-perfect girls who aren't kidding themselves and therefore only wish to attract an ordinary guy and, again, Meyer has also conjured up some of those: Mike, Tyler and Eric. And, for the good girl attracted to the bad boy there is a bad vamp named James.

But, fear not curious boy who secretly read and loved the series, Meyer has also created the same category of girl for you too! For the perfect girl, you have Bella Swan. She's a normal girl, pretty and clumsy, a damsel in distress every boy would love to save. Although, a cocky, jock type male would probably deem Rosalie the perfect girl. But, I highly doubt any guy of that type would ever read Twilight, even on a dare or to win a bet with great stakes. That's probably why Bella, our perfect girl, is coupled with Edward, the perfect guy, because every girl considers themselves a 'normal' girl in search for the perfect guy and the guys who would read this book consider themselves average Joes in search of the average, perfect girl. This impressed me, Stephenie Meyer knows her audience and played it well with these characters.

How do I know so much about a book I haven't read? My fourteen year old sister, Lindsey, won't shut up about it. Every night at dinner, my family is graced with a new tidbit about the series, along with a long lecture about why my parents, my brother, Zack, and I should read it. It goes a bit like this:

"It is the greatest love story since Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. In fact, it's like a modern day reincarnation of the original play itself, with an edge. I mean, vampires, how genius is that? And they aren't your cliché vamps either, they're different. Get this: they sparkle! In the sun! No burning up in flames junk. And their love is way more tragic, because he like wants to kill her all the time because her blood is like his own personal brand of heroin and he wants to kill her but he can't because he loves her!" Lindsey begins the speech here, professing the brilliance that is Twilight.

"Honey, I don't know if I want you reading a book about heroin. I thought it was PG?" My sweet, oblivious mother chimes in.

"Ugh, it's not about heroin, mom, keep up! To Edward, it's like Bella's blood was made just for him. It's like, if dad were a lemon meringue pie. He has to deal with this constant inner battle between his instincts and his love for her. It's sheer brilliance on a tree!"

Lindsey likes to refer to paper as trees, to emphasize its true identity and somehow hinder the need for people to use so much of it. She's really into the environment this month. Last month she was obsessed with sun screen and giving lectures about the harmful effects of UV rays on the skin. Anyway, in her opinion, the 'trees' used for Twilight to exist were well worth it.

"I want to get married in a meadow. Edward and Bella have their very own meadow, it's their special place. I want to have one when I find my Edward." She continues, poking a pasta noodle as she drifts off into a daydream of her wedding day, complete with a sparkling vampire.

"You do realize Edward Cullen is non-existent?" I asked, which at this point usually sparks an intense argument.

"_Obviously_! I'm not a moron. But, it doesn't mean there isn't someone just like him out there who was made just for me. Ugh, if you read the books you'll understand."

"I highly doubt that, sorry."

"Please, Stella! I hate not having anyone at home to talk about it with. Just give it a chance. I bet you'd love it if you gave it a chance."

"Linds, I'm in the middle of _If On a Winter's Night a Traveller_ right now."

"Then read it after. Seriously, what kind of book is _a winter traveller_ anyway? Sounds like a bore fest."

"Don't you get tired of talking about _Twilight_ all the time? I feel like I've already read it, I hear about it so much."

"Why are you so against a wonderful thing? You're missing out."

"I'm not against it, I just don't feel like reading it. If I end up liking the movie then I'll pick it up, okay?"

"No! You have to read it before you see the movie!" She demands, placing her fists on the table. She then turns her beady little eyes to Zack.

"There's lots of action in it, Zack. You're a boy, you like that stuff. You can borrow my extra copy and bring it with you to school and read it on your breaks." Lindsey has an extra copy of the book, one with the movie poster as the cover. She just _had_ to have it, even though she already had a copy of the book. She brings the extra everywhere like a bible, preaching its greatness to anyone she comes in contact with.

"I don't think I have time, Linds, I'm sorry. Between football practice and school it's impossible to fit in leisurely reading. Maybe during the summer or something, okay?" Zack always tries to let her down easy, never promising to read it but not blowing off the idea either. He's a big softy.

"Ugh, that's like, an entire year away! Eclipse will probably be in theatres by then and you'll find out all of the shocking secrets New Moon has to offer in the worst possible way."

Lindsey's whining is one you hate but makes you feel guilty anyway. Zack sighed at the site of Lindsey's pitiful little pouty face, his lips tugging into a tight smile.

"Okay, why don't you lend me that copy of the book and I'll see what I can do. Okay?"

"Yay! Thanks Zack, you won't regret it, I promise!" She squealed. "May I be excused?"

"What for, honey" my mother asks, still oblivious to the insanity.

"I _need_ to blog about this!" She said, scooting her chair backward, ready to sprint off to her bedroom.

Lindsey goes as far as to have her very own Twilight blog called _Twilighters Unite Under The New Moon of an Eclipse Before Breaking Dawn to Bask in the Midnight Sun_, or _Twilighters Unite_, for short, which Lindsey now refers to as simply '_tu'_. She puts a French accent to it to make it sound all ethnic and prestigious.

"Okay, if you really need to." My father said, the only words he's uttered during dinner. He spoke up once about his concern of Lindsay's obsession, to which he was greeted with an angry speech about how he's just a bitter old man who should repent for insulting Edward and Bella's amazing love. He hasn't spoken at dinner since.

Once Lindsey was gone we all finished our dinner in a blissful silence. Zack and I shared a glance, rolling our eyes over our crazy little sister and her unhealthy addiction.

I never understood how people could get so wound up over a story. I loved to read just as much as the next person, but never have I ever been obsessed with a story. Books and I have a nice system; I open it up, I read it, enjoy it, close it, push it aside and pull out the next one. I experience and grow after each book, appreciating what it had to offer, but never dwelling on it for too long. A book has never taken over my entire life like Twilight has Lindsey's. It's not right. I mean, sure people get obsessed with celebrities, movies and TV shows, but a book? She's not even normal anymore. Whenever it thunderstorms she claims the Cullens are playing baseball. When she sees a deer, she wonders how long it has to live before it's the main course for a group of vampires. She drank a raspberry smoothie and wondered if it was what blood tasted like to vampires. Oh, and God forbid she sees a Volvo! Not a single thought in her mind is processed without some attachment to Twilight.

After dinner I retreated to my bedroom, although the silence I craved was taken over by the muffled sounds of the Twilight soundtrack blasting from Lindsay's room, which is conveniently located next to mine. At least the music is decent, so it didn't bother me much. I did, however, plan on reading which was now out of the question. I love music and I love books but I can't seem to enjoy both together. I always get caught up in the lyrics to the song and end up missing what's happening in the book. So, I decided to call my best friend, Jessica, instead.

"Stel! I was just about to call you, I swear it's like I'm psychic sometimes." Jess enthusiastically answered the phone. She's always bubbly, it's one of the many things I love about her.

"Ha, yeah Jess, you've got a fifth sense about this stuff." I humoured her.

"I know, right?" She said, her voice distant as she dropped the phone and something else.

"Jess?"

"Yeah, sorry. I dropped my book, the thing is massive."

"Oh, are you reading _The Time Traveller's Wife_? Don't you love it?" I asked, assuming she'd been reading it since I let her borrow it a couple of weeks ago and it is quite a large book.

"Oh, um...I haven't started it yet. I actually got into this series..." She was beating around the bush. "Don't be mad, okay?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because, I'm..." She continued to stall.

"What is it, Jessica?"

"I'M READING TWILIGHT!" She shouted the words quickly.

I sat still on my bed, Indian style, stunned by the news. Jessica, the one person who shared my empty corner of Twilight oblivion amidst the Twilight crazies, was now one of them. Not that I cared, I figured she'd read it eventually. She kept saying she was curious, that she wanted to be a part of the hype, it was only a matter of time. But I knew now that she would be another person added to the dozens who have tried to get me to read the series, to make me a 'Twilighter'.

"Stella?" She asked. I hadn't realized that I was silent for about three minutes now.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist anymore. Kelsey brought a copy of it to work and left it out in the open in the back room. I was on break with nothing to do so I started reading and it's so addicting, Stel. It's like, a drug, like every page is dusted with something addictive so you keep reading. Kels let me borrow it, she already read it like, five times. She brought me the rest of the books today and I've been reading New Moon since eleven this morning."

I looked at the clock, 6:17PM blaring back at me. She had been reading for seven hours. It kind of worried me. I knew about what happens to people when they get so caught up in the series. I watched Lindsay go through it for a week. She hadn't slept and ate very little during that time.

"Have you eaten today?"

"Uh..."

"Jessica, you've got to be kidding. Aren't you hungry? Go eat and then call me back."

"I'm fine, really. I had a big breakfast. Are you mad?" she asked timidly.

"No, of course not. I would never be mad about something like that. Just because I'm not reading it doesn't mean you can't."

"I know...but you always said how much you couldn't stand it."

"I can't stand the craze, but I can't say anything about the books if I haven't read them."

"Maybe you should."

"Oh no, not you too. I get enough of this from Lindsey to last me ten lifetimes."

"I'm just saying, you may be pleasantly surprised. It's a quick read, you said you were looking for a quickie after that winter travelling one. You'll blow through these in like two days, the way you read."

"I don't know. I was going to read the Jessica Darling series for my quick fluff fix."

"While I'm flattered," She said, because her name is also Jessica and she claims the first two books are about her, because it matches her life eerily closely. "I think you should give Twilight a shot. It would make Lindsey shut up."

"As tempting as that sounds, I think I'll stick with Jessica Darling for now."

"Whatever you say. Listen, I'm just about to jump into Eclipse so I'll talk to you later, okay?" I couldn't believe it. My best friend was blowing me off for Twilight. And so it begins...

"Alright, Bye."

I sat in the middle of my bed, staring at my wall as I wondered what to do with the rest of my night. It's a Wednesday, not much is on TV tonight. I could do homework, but it's almost the weekend and I had already planned to devote my Friday morning and afternoon to homework. I love college and the freedom that comes with it. No more five day work weeks for me, thanks to my class schedule I now have Fridays off, the way weekends _should_ be. It's so much more efficient.

With homework out of the question, I began to channel surf. I kept getting this eerie feeling that I wasn't alone, like someone was watching me watch TV. I surfed through the channels slower than I usually would out of habit. Whenever I watch TV in the family room, I always end up catering to the preferences of whoever is with me and going through the channels slower so I know for sure they've caught a glimpse of each option. That's what it was like now, like someone was here watching with me, even though I knew I was alone. I looked out my window suspiciously. I've always been a little paranoid about my bedroom window at night, wondering what kind of creeper is lurking outside of it. Obviously, no one was out there, but it didn't stop my mind from creating some bizarre scenario where I end up kidnapped and murdered. I shut my TV off, knowing that even if I go through the channels thirty times, it won't make something intriguing come on.

I laid back on my pillows with an exasperated sigh, pitying myself for my boring life. I could read, but I just wasn't in the mood anymore. This Twilight thing is really starting to get to me. Should I just give in and read it?

**A/N: Just for the record, I love Twilight! haha Stella, however, not so much as you've seen. The next few chapters are a bit more fun, I think, and get a little interesting. This was kind of a test run for this to see the response. If you've been reading my other fics then you know The Observer is on hiatus right now, reasons are on my profile. I update my profile a lot so check it out if you're ever wondering what the heck is going on. I will continue with The Observer soon! **

**I have written the first 3 chapters of this, am working on the 4th right now. I figured if this goes well I'll post one chapter every Tuesday for Supernova. Fun little tid bit actually, when I was looking for a title (basically 15 mins before posting, it was untitled before that) I wanted it to be earthy because the Twilight series is all suns and moons and since the main character is Stella (meaning star in italian) I figured it was appropriate to name it after a star... but it also has other significance that will unravel later on. Anyway, I came across an article dated in 2006 about a Supernova with a peculiar gamma ray burst that a the Swift satellite detected. What are the odds that the satellite is the last name of the main character? I picked Swift a couple weeks ago for a completely different reason that you'll see in chapter 2, but it was interesting that it was there. makes it seem like it was meant to be doesn't it? Which ironically also kind of fits with the flow of this story.. **

**Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed it, if you did then let me know about it :) Chapter 2 coming to you next Tuesday! but maybe sooner.. who knows! **


	3. Strange and Beautiful

**A/N: It's Tuesday, and chapter 2 is here, as promised! I just wanted to ask once again to keep an open mind for our main character for the moment, because she still doesn't understand the greatness that is Twilight. Some of the representations are a bit extreme, but it was all in good fun and things do lighten up and shift to a much happier, non-hating mood in the next few chapters. This chapter you're introduced to a few more characters, one in particular who is very important ;) I hope you guys enjoy it! Based on the response of this chapter, I might post chapter 3 on Thursday, we'll see how it goes. I'm about to write chapter 6 right now, and things get very interesting and I'm excited to post the coming chapters. With that said, please review with your opinions, I'd love to get some feedback. and PS: I do love Twilight, don't take Stella's dislike to heart lol**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, just having fun with the world Stephenie Meyer created. **

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**2. Strange and Beautiful**

As I drove to school, the feeling of being watched weighed heavily down on my consciousness. I pulled into the massive student parking lot, which was packed since it was almost noon and most people have 8:30AM classes and get the good spots. I didn't even bother weaving through rows of cars for a spot, I just drove straight over to the boonies of the parking lot and pulled into one of the last spots available.

I dreaded the walk to class, considering it was raining. I pulled out my umbrella, carefully opening it outside before stepping out of my car. As I trudged through the parking lot and began walking down Main Street to get to the Acadia University campus, the feeling of being watched escalated. I turned around to see no one behind me, but the dreaded feeling of eyes on me was still persistent. I began to walk faster, the splatter beneath my feet sending droplets of water up my ankles, wetting the bottom of my jeans. I couldn't wait to get to the student centre to meet Jessica so I wouldn't be alone anymore.

Once Jessica was in view I called out her name and jogged over to her. I tried to play it cool, like I was just excited to see her, but I knew Jessica would see right through it. She always does.

"Jess!" I called. She turned around with a copy of Eclipse in her hands.

"Oh hey, what's up?" She said, her eyes back to the page she was reading. She didn't even notice I was hiding something and that I was out of breath.

"You're here early. Have you been waiting long?"

"About twenty minutes. It's okay though, I wanted to read a bit before class so I came earlier."

Wow. Jessica came to school early. To read. This was unbelievable. Normally, I'm the one standing here waiting until the very last second for her to arrive so we could walk to class together. She barely even does her homework, yet she's taking extra time to get to school early to read some stupid book?

"That's a shocker."

"Hm?" She wasn't even listening to me. I was being ignored for Edward and Bella.

"Oh my God! It's so good isn't it?" A random girl came squealing over to Jessica, who closed her book immediately to gush over the greatness of Twilight.

"Yes! I'm late to the craze but I'm so glad I picked it up. It's quickly becoming my favourite series! I'm Jessica, by the way."

"I'm Sandy, nice to meet you! I love bumping into fellow Twilighters. It's how I met most of my friends here. I'm from BC, I knew absolutely nobody when I came here, but thanks to Twilight I've met so many wonderful people. It's not just a book, it's a life changer."

Sandy preached the powers of Twilight as if she were regurgitating a pre-written testimonial of how Twilight changed her life for the better. I bet if she could, she'd claim it cleared her acne and made her lose ten pounds.

"Wow, that's great! And now you've just met another friend! What's your major?"

"English."

"_Us_ too!" Jessica beamed, lumping me into it. Sandy leaned her head to the side, looking past Jess and at me.

"Oh, hello. I'm Sandy!" She reached her hand out for mine and we shook hands. She seemed nice enough, Twilighter or not.

"I'm Stella."

"_What's your name_?" She stepped past Jessica to stand directly in front of me. Her eyes were bulging out of her head, her mouth extended into an elongated oval as she asked me to repeat my name again. I didn't think it was a difficult name to comprehend, but maybe she was hard of hearing. The rain can interfere, I guess.

"It's Stella." I repeated.

Sandy placed a hand over her heart and let out a dainty laugh.

"Oh dear, I almost had a heart attack. For a minute there I though you said your name was _B_ella."

Oh sweet Jesus, she related me to Twilight. Of course she would, that's what those twi-hards do. Everything becomes warped and twisted to somehow be of significance in relation to the books. Jessica then pulled Sandy aside, her back facing me which meant I wasn't supposed to be hearing whatever it was she was saying. I listened in anyway.

"Ah, Stella isn't a fan of Twilight." She whispered in a tone that sounded like she was letting her know I had cancer and had three weeks to live.

"Oh dear..." Sandy said, that hand daintily hovering over her heart again. Her reaction was in line with the deathly cancer tone of this conversation.

"I'm trying to get her to read it, but she's just not into it." Jessica explained.

"She will in time. They all come around to it. A friend of mine hated reading, but then I got her to read the series and she's been a reading fiend ever since. It'll happen."

The way they spoke about getting me to join the craze, that it will happen eventually, kind of freaked me out a little. This fan-base seems more like a cult than harmless book lovers.

"Jess, I'm going to class. It was nice meeting you, Sandy." I waved goodbye, not willing to take another second of this nonsense. Why was it such a big deal that I wasn't reading these books?

I made my way to class alone for the first time this year. Jessica is always right by my side, yet Twilight has pulled her away. I just hope this isn't the thing that causes us to drift apart. It seems silly, but I've seen it happen. Lindsey stopped talking to a good friend of hers after the friend admitted to not liking Twilight. Needless to say, this friend is now a stranger.

I took my seat at the back next to Mike, as per usual, with a not so usual empty seat to my left which was reserved for Jessica. She's not-so-secretly in love with Mike, but never dares to sit next to him. She insists on using me as some sort of link between the two. I don't mind too much though, Mike is a pretty cool guy. He's not too hard on the eyes either, with his short, all over the place brown hair and tall muscular build. He's too pretty-boy for me, but is the epitome of Jessica's type of guy, hence her initial undying love for him.

"Hey Stella ella ella eh eh eh" He greeted me by turning my name into the Rihanna song 'Umbrella'. He did it the day we met and everyday afterwards. It never gets old for him.

"Where's your other half?" He asked, noticing Jessica was nowhere in sight. She'd be glad to hear he noticed her absence.

"She's coming. She ran into a fellow Twilighter and her mind took off to another planet."

"Ah, Twilight, the book that makes it impossible for me to find a girlfriend now. I swear, the other day some girl asked me if I sparkled. When I said no she made a stink face and walked away." He shook his head in disbelief, cracking up two seconds later over his own joke.

"Yeah, you're out of luck bud, pale is the new tan and you are very tanned, my friend." I poked his golden brown arm.

"I do suck blood though, maybe that'll score me some points." He said with a wink. What a jokester.

"Why don't you see for yourself?" I asked when I noticed Jessica walk into class with Sandy. She didn't even look up at Mike and I. Instead, she made a wrong turn three rows ahead of us, sitting down next to Sandy. I couldn't believe that, not only was she blowing off her best friend, she was also throwing away quality time with the supposed man of her dreams.

"I guess we've been replaced." Mike said as he looked at Jessica like a sad puppy.

"Honestly, I hope this is just some phase she's going through. She can't keep up like this forever." I vented, expecting Mike to jump in and agree. "Right?" I looked up and noticed him staring at the front of the class. I looked around and realized so was everyone else, the loud chatter hushing to muffled whispers and gasps. I looked to the front to see what all of the commotion was about.

Heads began to turn as the man everyone's eyes were fixated on began walking up the steps towards the back of the class. He was gorgeous. So much so that he stood out from everyone else. His skin was creepily pale, his ashy blonde hair perfectly tousled. He was tall and, although he wore a button up shirt, I bet he was muscular underneath those layers of clothing. He reached the row I was sitting in, turned into it and walked towards me. I looked away to the front of the room, as if I hadn't even noticed him. He sat down next to me without a word, his scent ploughing into me. He smelled really good. I was a sucker for good smells.

Mike looked at me with a questioning expression on his face and nodded in the mystery man's direction. I shrugged in response. I'd never seen this person before. Maybe he was new? Although we were already a month and a half into the semester. Could he be a transfer?

Mike glanced past me and at the mystery man several times, staring as long as he could without making it obvious. He then pulled out his cell phone, hitting buttons feverishly. My phone vibrated just as he put his away. It read:

**Dude is staring at you.**

I looked at him, only to find him staring at the front of the class. I looked at Mike, to which he shrugged in response to his text. My phone vibrated again. This time it was from Jessica.

**Who is that guy?**

I replied, letting her know that I had no idea who this guy was. I could see her turned in her chair, admiring the mystery man in between questioning glances at me. She texted me back in something that caused a majorly obvious eye roll. It read:

**Holy crap, he's a God. He's like a real life Edward Cullen.**

I looked up and noticed her flirtatiously lick her lips at this guy, who didn't even know she existed. And of course, she just had to peg him as a Twilight character. It's only natural, right? I turned my phone off to prevent any further twilight-related disruptions from Jessica regarding this guy.

"Where the heck is Habivov? He's never late." Mike checked his watch again. Our philosophy professor was never late. Ever. But, for whatever reason, he was three minutes late today. Three minutes is nothing, but it's way out of character for Dr. Habivov.

"Maybe he got caught in traffic?" I suggested.

"Whatever, if he's not here in the next ten minutes I'm out." Mike's phone vibrated then. He read the text, sighed and rolled his head to me.

"Jessica wants to know if you're talking to..." He nodded to the mystery guy's direction.

I looked at Jessica who was staring daggers at me, waiting for a response. I shook my head and watched as her fingers feverishly darted around the keypad of her phone.

"Turn your phone off." I took Mike's phone, holding down the power button so that we wouldn't be bothered with another text from Jessica.

The waiting was becoming a bit uncomfortable, especially with this random stranger sitting next to me. A random, handsom, good-smelling stranger. He had nice hands too. They were big, but slender. His skin was practically white, which was strange. The more I stared at the hand placed on the top of his chair's little side desk, the more unnatural it seemed. I tore my eyes away from it, pulled out a piece of paper and started doodling. I wrote my name over and over again in fancy, cursive loops. I started tapping my foot until a song popped into my head.

'_To me, you're strange and you're beautiful'_ Hm. Appropriate.

"Ehm..." A subtle cough coming from my left disrupted my doodles. I looked up at him, quickly reverting my eyes back to my paper when he's eyes gazed down at mine. They were golden, literally gold. Not brown, not hazel, but gold. It was unique, that's for sure. They must be contacts, nobody has eyes that color naturally.

"Hello." He spoke. Mystery man was speaking to me.

His voice was one I couldn't help but hold my breath for. It was perfection. He just had that voice, the one you want to spend hours on the phone listening to. A good voice makes me weaker at the knees than good smells. And his voice was very, very good. It was sexy and sophisticated, deep, but not too deep. It was a voice I could probably fall asleep to, in a good way.

"Hi..." I responded meekly. I glanced at Jessica who had her hand over her mouth, eyes popping out of her skull. She waved her cell phone in the air, trying to get me to turn on mine. Not a chance in the world that's happening.

"I'm Tyler." He said with a smile. It was a crooked one, extended longer and further up on the left than the right. It was pretty hot, to be frank.

"I'm Stella." I said. He smiled wider, chuckling under his breath a little as he nodded. He looked up at me then, really intensely. There was this look in his eyes, like he was staring deeper into me, like he knew me. As I stared back, I almost believed it, like I was having a spurt of amnesia and couldn't remember who he was.

"It's nice to officially meet you, Stella."

"Yeah, you too. Are you new?"

"You could say that."

"It's a little late in the year to be new, isn't it?"

"I suppose. I hadn't found what I was looking for until now."

"What were you looking for?" I looked at him peculiarly. He spoke strangely. His answers weren't very direct, either.

"My perfect match."

"Right. I guess picking the right school is important...Where are you from?"

"Washington."

"Oh wow, you came pretty far for your perfect match."

"It was well worth it."

"I don't know if I could ever go away for school like that. I admire people who do it."

"Why can't you go away for school?"

"Fear, I guess. I don't have the guts to take the risk." I shrugged. He sighed, turning towards me in his seat.

"In life, you must take risks to reap the benefits. If you play it safe, you'll never truly live."

He spoke like he was all-knowing. Did this guy write quotes for fortune cookies?

"Well, sometimes fear overpowers desire." I said.

"Will overpowers fear. If you truly want something, you'll take the risk."

"Maybe _you_ should be teaching this class." I laughed. Mike tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm taking off. I'll see you tomorrow." Mike stood and walked out of class, just like so many others had. The class was half empty after fifteen minutes of waiting for the professor.

"I wonder where the prof is?" I asked, a question that really didn't require an answer.

"Maybe his car wouldn't start. It happens."

"True."

"Stella." He uttered my name in a way that sounded like he was saying it just to say it. I turned to him, catching him in mid-stare.

"What? Is there something on my face?" I placed my hand on my cheek, thinking he would tell me where to swipe.

"No, it's perfect."

"Okay..." He was looking at me with that sense of knowing me again. I felt like I should be doing something or saying something significant, like he was just waiting for it to jump out of me. He's so peculiar. So much so that I think I'll Google him later...

"Hey, what's your last name?" I asked.

"Cul – uh, Culley. McCulley." He staggered. Was he not sure of his own last name?

"Tyler McCulley." I repeated, making sure he was sure of his own name.

"Yes. And yours?"

"Swift."

"Ah, Swift. You know, the swifts are one of the most aerial of birds, spending most of their lives in the air. What a freeing and adventurous existence, hm?"

I watched Tyler as he spoke, comparing the bird to my last name and to myself, noting how different I am from the bird I'm apparently named after. I've lived here in Wolfville, Nova Scotia my entire life. I would never dare venture out of the province. I wished I could, that I could be spontaneous, adventurous and free. It just never seemed possible for me, I don't have the guts.

"Stella, hey!" Jessica sat down in Mike's usual seat, with Sandy following and taking the seat next to hers.

"Oh, hey." I stared at Jessica's overzealous face for a moment and felt a little sorry for Tyler. He may be underwear model gorgeous, but he seemed to be reserved, which was the exact opposite of Jessica. She would force herself on to him with every ounce of sex appeal she has. Especially since, according to Jessica and Sandy, Tyler is a living version of their beloved Edward Cullen. Jessica shot an urgent glance at me, while still batting her lashes at Tyler. She wanted me to introduce them. I hated forced introductions like this, especially when I'm the one doing the introducing.

"Tyler, this is my friend Jessica and that's Sandy." I pointed to Sandy, purposefully choosing to abstain from referring to her as a friend, since I barely knew her and that does not constitute a friend in my book.

"Nice to meet you, ladies." Tyler nodded with a smile, but not the crooked one. It was more of a polite, straight-lined smile you use with people you don't necessarily like but have to be nice to anyway. I chuckled a little at the site of it.

"What brings you to Acadia?" Jessica asked, extending her chest out so that Tyler could get a full view of her jam-packed boobage. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he wasn't even glancing in her assets' general direction. Instead he looked into her eyes or past her at the wall, never down at the prize she was flaunting.

"Education brings me here. This is an educational facility, after all." Tyler responded.

"Ha! That's funny, you're funny!" She swatted the air with her hand as she giggled at Tyler's supposed humour. I guess she was going for the whole 'smile pretty and laugh at everything he says' approach. It was her specialty. In a few more minutes, after more flaunting and hysterical fits of giggles, Tyler would be following her out of here, drooling after her. It happened every time, what makes this the exception?

Jessica then nudged me with her elbow, which signalled her next move. She would extend her arm out in front of me, put her hand around his bicep, squeeze and then compliment him on his muscles, insisting that he works out. She was throwing an extra bit of spice to the routine today, she never does the giggles and muscle grab on the same guy. Tyler must be pretty special.

But, before Jessica could do anything, Tyler was up on his feet. Jessica's plan fell through from there. Maybe he was the one guy who wasn't going to be fooled by all of her tricks.

"Perhaps we should follow the rest of the class and take off early?" His suggestion was audibly directed at all three of us, but his eyes were on me. When I was able to tear myself away from his gaze, I realized that we were the only people left in the classroom.

"Sounds good." I stood up and walked down the row, passing Jessica and Sandy.

I assumed Jessica would find a way to get him to stick around or to grab coffee with her, maybe even dragging Sandy along. So, when the sensation of eyes on me returned and I instinctively turned around, I was quite surprised to see Tyler behind me.

"Jesus Christ!" I placed a hand over my pounding heart, stunned to see someone linked with the sensation of being watched. All day I've felt it, only to turn around and find nothing. It became somewhat of a routine and, although I feared someone would be behind me, I never fully expected to see anyone actually there.

"I'm sorry, did I frighten you?" He asked.

"Clearly. Why are you following me?" I said, sounding unintentionally rude.

"I wasn't, actually. I was going to the parking lot."

The parking lot, he says. Which just so happens to be where I'm going, as well as about fifty other students who are going home right now, all of us headed to the parking lot. God, I felt like an idiot.

"Right, sorry." I said, head hanging low in shame.

"It's quite alright, Stella. Since we're headed to the same place, would you like to walk together?" He smiled. That darn smile just about killed me on the spot, a death I would be very willing to take if I could just stare at that smile for a minute or two. Okay, so maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but it is a powerful smile. I nodded as he took the first step and led the way.

I couldn't think of a single thing to say as we walked. I ended up resorting to the most commonly used conversation starter known to man.

"I'm glad the rain stopped." I said, resorting to talking about the weather. The weather, of all things, the weather!

"Yes." He said, glancing up at the sky. It wasn't a 'checking for rain clouds' glance though, it was kind of a dreadful look. It's kind of like the look you give the sky when the sun is shining and the sky is a bright blue, but then you see a single grey cloud that could ruin everything. It was like that, except reversed, if that even makes sense. Why someone would enjoy rain, I'll never know. It doesn't help my love for sun that I live in such a rainy place. I live for the rare sunny days we get here in Wolfville.

"Stella," He paused, gathering his words, I presume. "I wonder if it would be too soon to ask if you'd like to join me for coffee?" He looked at me with a bit of a squint, anticipating my answer.

Was it too soon for a guy I haven't googled or facebooked yet to ask me out? Probably. Will I say yes? Definitely.

"Of course not. I could go for a coffee right about now, anyway."

He smiled a big, crooked smile. It was like my reward or something, one I graciously accepted. I wanted to just snap a picture of it, make it black and white, frame it and hang it on my ceiling so I could just lie on my bed and stare at it.

Ah, pull yourself together, Stella! It's just a smile, just a guy. Just because a guy hasn't shown interest in me in Lord knows how many months doesn't mean I should fall head over heels for the first guy who takes the initiative to speak to me and ask me out for coffee.

I didn't understand my singleness, either, to be honest. I mean, I'm no super model or Barbie doll, but I do alright. And, at the risk of sounding conceited, I'm a pretty cool person. If I didn't know me, I think I'd want to get to know me. How sad is it that I would want to get to know myself? If that doesn't scream desperation, I don't know what does. The point is, I don't know what it is about me that's keeping all the guys away. The last guy I semi-dated seemed to really like me, but then randomly cut all ties with me. Maybe I'm just relationship retarded?

Anyway, desperate or not, it's not like this guy is even interested in that way. I don't even know a thing about him. The me I think I know would never fall so quickly like this. But there was just something about this guy that made me want to say yes, to stick around and just hang out with him. Maybe it was fate's way of giving me a little nudge. Or maybe my hormones are just screaming for male attention.

The walk to the parking lot was silent after my acceptance to his coffee invitation. When we reached the rows upon rows jam-packed with cars, I assumed we would just meet each other at the nearest coffee shop and continued towards my own car.

"Stella, where are you going?" He asked, jogging towards me when he realized I was no longer by his side.

"To my car?"

"Where are you parked?"

"At the back, in the boonies."

"The what?" He laughed.

"Boonies, middle of nowhere..."

"Ah, I understand. Would you like me to give you a ride to 'the boonies'?"

"It's okay, I can walk." He stood there, the corner of his mouth tugging. He was going to smile, I could see it coming. Almost there. Ah, there it is. That darn smile. I guess it couldn't hurt to get a ride, I hate the walk to the boonies anyways. I shrugged and followed him.

There, in the second row of the parking lot, nestled between a blue Pontiac and a red Toyota was a silver Volvo. And of all things to pop into my mind at that moment it had to be a thought that was not welcome. I could have thought that it was a nice car or a nice color, but instead a piece of information about Twilight came up, thanks to Lindsey and her many lectures of why, on her sixteenth birthday, she wants to see a silver Volvo in the driveway with a big red bow on it because that's what Edward Cullen drives and she wants to make all the other Twilighters jealous when they see her cruising down the street in _his_ car.

I rolled my eyes and made my way to the passenger's side, where Tyler held the door open for me. I smiled, sat down and watched as he walked around the front of the car to the driver's side. He had a nice walk, one you could pick out of a crowd. It wasn't that lazy, dragging walk so many guys had these days. It was masculine and controlled, like he measured out every footstep. When his body plopped into his seat, his scent hit me hard. I could smell him all day. I'd love to just minimize him, put him on a string and hang him on my rear-view mirror, letting his scent fill every nook and cranny of my car. Mmm...

Tyler pulled out of his parking space and sped to the end of the row.

"Where to?"

"Make a right and then go _all_ the way down to the very end, then make a left."

He turned right like I had instructed and floored it to the boonies. I found myself clutching the arm rest, my back pressed into the seat due to the impact of the acceleration.

"You don't waste any time, do you?"

"I like to drive fast. Going slow in such a powerful machine seems like a waste."

"I see."

"So, which way to Starbucks?"

I laughed a little. You could tell he was new to Wolfville by that comment alone. Starbucks is like a special treat when you go out of town, not something that's at every corner like in the bigger cities and in the U.S. Here, Tim Hortons dominates.

"Um, the nearest Starbucks is about an hour away from here. The closest coffee shop is the Tim Hortons on Main Street. Just follow me."

I closed the door to the Volvo and walked over to my little green neon. His car made mine look like a chump. I backed out, careful not to get to close to his nice, silver car, and drove out of the parking lot. Tyler was right on my tail, obviously not keen on my meandering pace out of the parking lot.

When we got to Tim Hortons, I was surprised to see it was mostly empty during what's usually the busy lunch hour. I ordered myself a double-double and took a seat with Tyler by the window.

"You're not getting anything?" I asked, wondering why he'd ask me out for coffee if he wasn't going to order any for himself.

"No, I'm alright."

I nodded and took a sip of my scorching hot coffee, burning my top lip just a little.

"Are you alright?" He asked, hands pressed on to the table and ready to pounce. It was a very mild burn, nothing serious. Judging by his reaction though, you'd think I sliced my hand open or something.

"I'm fine, the coffee's really hot. Hence the 'Hot! BE CAREFUL' printed on the cup." I joked, although he didn't find it very funny. He sat back in his seat but he was still a little tense.

"So, tell me about yourself." I figured I might as well get the conversation going before this turns into an awkward silence and a maybe-coffee-date cut short.

"What would you like to know?"

"Um...how old are you?" Might as well start with the basics.

"Sev- um." He stopped, his brows furrowing. "I wish I could say seventeen. Life is so much easier at that age. I turned twenty this past June."

"Twenty must be a good time, too. You're old enough to have responsibilities and young enough to still be a little careless."

"True. And how old are you?"

"I just turned nineteen in September."

He smiled and nodded a little, almost as if he already knew. I felt oddly comfortable with him and his strangeness.

"What's your family like?" I asked. He stared at me as he tried to formulate an answer.

"Broad. My father is a doctor, my mother a homemaker. I have four siblings who are vastly different from one another, including myself. But we all share a very strong bond. They are very important to me."

"That's really nice. I wish my family sounded as dynamic and tight-knit as that."

"Tell me about them."

"My family? Heh, well my parents own a little bookshop in town, my dad is the silent type, my mom is much more vibrant and meddling. I have an older brother, Zack, who's the jock of the family. Then there's Lindsey, my younger sister, who's the epitome of a teeny bopper." I went on explaining each member of my family's personality in detail. I'm sure he could have cared less about the details, but I couldn't help myself from divulging every bit of information about myself. There was something about him that made me feel like I wanted him to know everything about me.

"Sorry, I'm getting a little carried away." I said, praying to God I wasn't blushing.

"Don't be. I find you to be more difficult to read than others, I'm glad you're so open."

"Okay...that's good then, I guess."

"Do you like to read, Stella?" He asked a bit abruptly, as if this question had been burning a hole in his pocket the entire time.

"Yes, I do. I love to read." Finally, a subject I could talk for hours about that wasn't forced!

"What's your favourite book?"

"Ah, I don't have favourites. Each book is good in its own way, it's difficult to hold one over the other. It's like children, each one has their ups and downs, but neither is superior to the other." I beamed with enthusiasm over this subject, but Tyler seemed to be a bit perplexed by my answer. I guess he was hoping I'd give him a specific title?

"That's very insightful. Let's broaden the term then. What is your favourite genre?"

"Hm... I'd say drama is my favourite. I'm a sucker for an exceptional love story."

"I see." His brows began to meet in the middle of his forehead again. What exactly was he looking for from me?

"Have you heard of," He leaned in closer to me. "the Twilight series?" He whispered the three words I was not expecting to come up in this conversation. It kind of made sense, the questioning about books. He wanted to see if I was into Twilight.

"Yes, I've heard of it. My sister is a rabid fan, so I get to hear about it every single day."

"I take it you're not a fan?"

"Well, I haven't read the books so I guess not. Are you?"

"I wouldn't call myself a fan, but I am fond of the story."

Oh, Jessica would certainly love him. Not only does he look like Edward Cullen and drive the Edward Cullen car, he also likes Twilight. If Robert Pattinson wasn't already the leading man in every tween's Twilight dreams, this guy certainly would be it.

"Let me rephrase that. What I found compelling was Edward and Bella and their complicated, yet unconditional love for each other. A love that surely would last lifetimes."

"Sure, but the forbidden love thing has been done many times before. What makes Edward and Bella any different?"

"What forbids their love is much greater than opposing ideals. It is life and death, it is a relationship that goes against nature and instinct. Edward's instincts tell his body to feed on her, yet his heart forbids it. The obstacles cannot simply be ignored or overcome, they are obstacles that can never be cured, only endured and oppressed."

He was very passionate about fictional characters from a book and the love they shared in said book. Normally, I'd be sickened by such talk, but with Tyler I almost began to believe in all of it, like it was actually real somehow. He didn't have that same crazed look twilighters get when they get all spastic over Edward and Bella's love. He spoke as if it were a personal subject that meant a lot to him. He spoke a lot about Edward's perspective in all of it too, which I guess makes sense that he would relate himself to the male protagonist. Still, there was something off about this. It's definitely not the way Lindsey would go about this discussion.

"What about Bella? You covered Edward's obstacles, but what does Bella really have to deal with?"

"Well, you tell me. If you were dating a vampire who wanted to kill you, what would you think?"

This was an interesting turn. No twilighter has ever let me have my opinion with this because I have the audacity to not read the books and therefore am not entitled to have a word regarding anything to do with Twilight.

But how to answer this? If I had to be honest, I'd say I'd never date a vampire to begin with. What kind of moron willingly walks into a death trap? For all she knew, the lovey dovey crap could just be a ploy to get her close to him so that she'd be an easy target. Most murders are committed by those close to the victim. But, to be fair, I'll go along with it and agree that they were really in love, but had to deal with this elephant in the room.

"Well, it would suck to be in love with someone who really wants to kill you. She knocks on death's door whenever she's with him. It's risky. Too risky, if you ask me."

"Precisely. But, there are also things in life that are well worth the risk. They would never have known true love if neither of them took the risk."

I had an eerie sense of dejavu when he said that. It occurred to me then that he said something about risks earlier today, that you have to 'take risks to reap the benefits'. Was he referring to Twilight then, too? God, I certainly hope not. If he did, then this entire encounter had been about Twilight from the very beginning.

"I'd like to think that you took a risk today by joining me for coffee." He added with a smile.

Wow. I think my heart just skipped a beat. Did this modern day Romeo just take something I can't stand and twist it into the greatest pick up line of all time? Yes, I think he did. I sat there, staring at his smile like an idiot as I wallowed in my amazement. Of course, I couldn't just sit here and let him have the last word. No, I had to give him something to chew on.

"I guess we're supposed to fall madly in love now because we took a risk?"

"I'd like to think so." He chuckled.


	4. The Stella Project

**A/N: I'm sorry this is up so late in the day, I went out at the last minute and hadn't had the chance to post this earlier today. It's better late than never right? But, to make up for it, I'll post chapter 4 on Friday :) This chapter was a fun one for me to write, so I hope it's fun for you to read. I just wanted to take a minute to thank the two of you who have been reviewing: 'Stella(hey wait a minute...)' and 'andthenitwentboom' soo much for sending me your comments, I absolutely love them and I adore you guys for them, it makes my day and makes me so excited to post updates every Tuesday. Stella, I wish I could reply to you on here but you don't have an account. But know that I love love lovveee your reviews, you're great! I love that you have so much in common with the main character, including your name haha and good luck with majoring in English! I'm an English major too (just switched) soo I share your OCD for spelling and grammar, especially the small things like your/you're and there/their/they're. Drives me nuts. **

**Anywho, I hope you guys like it! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I'm just having fun with the world Stephenie Meyer created. **

**3. The Stella Project**

When I told Jessica that Tyler aka 'omigod Edward Cullen' (her exact words when I mentioned Tyler's name) had asked me out for coffee, she insisted I give her every juicy detail. I wished I could leave out the Twilight talk, and just get to the good parts of the conversation, like when we talked music and gushed over similar favourite artists, or bonded over our love for older movies, but the Twilight talk was the foreplay to the greatest pick up line of all time, so it was absolutely necessary.

"OMIGOD!" Jessica shouted, so loudly I had to pull the phone away from my ear.

"Jess, compose yourself."

"He's perfect. You've caught _the_ perfect guy on the planet. I just knew he was a twilighter from the moment I laid eyes on him."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Hello! His contacts! Only a true twilighter would get themselves topaz coloured contacts. I've been dying to grab a pair myself."

"Please don't. The posters that are undoubtedly wallpapering your walls right now are enough." I grumbled.

"Man, you know me so well! Sandy and I went to Wal-Mart after school and I got one of every poster they had. I got an extra of Edward to tape up to my ceiling so I can see his face every night before I go to sleep."

"Oh my goodness, you did not just say that."

"If you read the books you'd understand."

"Oh, speaking of sparkly, non-existent vampires, I forgot to tell you something that will probably have you squealing like a little girl."

"What?"

"He drives a silver Volvo."

"WHAT! OMIGOD NO HE DOESN'T! AN S60R?"

"A what? I don't know. It's a Volvo."

"The model matters, Stella! Was it like the one in the movie?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen the movie."

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE – okay, we need to have a movie night asap! You know what a Ford Focus is, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay, does Tyler's Volvo have that hunchback type thing like a Ford Focus?"

"No."

"OMIGOD HE DRIVES EDWARD'S CAR!"

"STEL, YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO DRIVES EDWARDS CAR?!?" Lindsey's voice broke through Jessica's screeching squeals.

"Lindsey, get off the phone!"

"I didn't know you were on it, I was going to call someone when I heard Jessica. Now what is this about Edward's Volvo? It is absolutely imperative that you answer me!"

"Stella went out to coffee with an Edward Cullen look alike who also drives a Volvo!" Jessica explained.

"WHAT! YOU WENT OUT WITH EDWARD?!? Ugh! This is so unfair! You don't even like Twilight, why do _you_ get an Edward?" With that, Lindsey hung up. I could only imagine the lecture I'd be getting at dinner about how I don't deserve to be with a living, breathing version of Edward Cullen. Why is it so difficult for them to understand that Tyler is not Edward Cullen?

"Don't take it personally, every girl who has read the books is on a manhunt for their own Edward. I am so happy for you Stella! This is just what you need, to be swept off your feet by Edward Cullen."

"For the last time, his name is Tyler. And what do you mean, this is what I need?"

"Well, don't take this the wrong way but, you've been a little bitter when it comes to other people's relationships. Maybe a little romance will lighten you up."

"I am not bitter."

"Last week when we saw Joey Porciano with Kelsey Jacobson you said you gave them a month and a half, tops, because of Kelsey's skanky tendencies."

"I was simply stating facts. Kelsey never stays with the same guy for more than a month and is well known to cheat during relationships."

"Okay, a couple days ago when Peter Gordon and Heather Spada were telling each other 'I love you', you made a puke face."

"I'm not a fan of PDA." I tried every excuse I could, but Jessica had a point. I couldn't stand people in relationships. It wasn't that I was against love or anything, but I was...bitter. I'm bitter that I don't have love in my life. There. I said it. I, Stella Swift, am bitter.

"Whatever you say." Jessica sighed.

"Well, consider me no longer bitter because I'm going to take a risk with Tyler." I said, grinning from ear to ear. I liked the way it sounded, taking a risk with Tyler. It made it so much more real, like I could actually be in love in the near future.

"Maybe there's an Emmett look alike out there for me and then we can double date!" Jessica said.

"What about Mike? Two days ago you couldn't stop talking about how perfect he was, now you want an Emmett look alike?"

"I still like Mike. He's just been taking his sweet time with me and I'm sick of waiting for him to come around."

"Maybe if you didn't beat around the bush and asked him out, he would."

"Ugh, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like he's more into other girls than he is me. He was all chatty with Brittney Lovell the other day and completely ignored me. I deserve better than that. I deserve a Cullen."

Clearly, this conversation wasn't going to come out of the 'I want a Cullen' area and I wasn't in the mood to hear her drabble on and on about a man who doesn't exist.

"Alright, well I'm going to get going. I'll talk to you later."

After talking to Jessica and being subjected to the hysteria surrounding Tyler and his likeness to vampire Edward Cullen, I couldn't help but be a little curious. All I know about the character is from what I've heard from Lindsey, I've never experienced him first hand. I began to toy with the idea of actually reading the first book, just to see what it was all really about.

But, before I delved off into a fictional world, I needed to get some information on the real one first. It was time to Google Tyler McCulley.

I thought I hit the jackpot when the first thing to come up on Google was a Facebook for a Tyler McCulley from Portland, OR. Oregon is close enough to Washington, and he could have moved or something for all I know. When I clicked on it I realized it was a very far cry from a match, for the Tyler McCulley in Portland, OR is a sixteen year old Asian boy.

After going through many pages of Google and coming across the same Asian Tyler McCulley, I came to the conclusion that this search was a lost cause. Either Tyler never used a computer before in his life or he's so low key that he's untraceable.

I stared at Google with a bit of disappointment that it had let me down. I began to strum my fingers on the keyboard, thinking of what to do next. I've been hearing all day that Tyler is the living Edward Cullen. My fingers did all of the work before I could object, and within 0.23 seconds, Google had given me 7,080,000 search results for 'Edward Cullen'.

There was a Twilight quotes website that caught my attention. While I still haven't given in to the pressure to read the books, reading a couple quotes couldn't hurt. It was solely for research purposes, to see what the character was like and if it really did add up to Tyler.

They seemed to speak in the same fashion. Both were very articulate and sophisticated with their words. There were many quotes in which Edward was concerned for Bella's safety, which reminded me of how Tyler reacted when I burned my lip on my coffee. Still, these measly little similarities prove absolutely nothing. Tyler is way too cool and chill to be this up-tight, 'don't be friends with me I'll kill you, but I can't stay away' dude. Edward's too cautious in Twilight, and then when he does take a risk he thinks he's going to hell. Tyler is all about taking risks willingly and enjoying the benefits. Their outlooks are completely opposite.

"Oh my God I knew it! I knew you couldn't resist forever!" Lindsey was standing behind me, mouth gaping open as she caught me looking into Twilight.

"I'm just looking at quotes, settle down." And that she did, right in front of me on my bed. Getting rid of her is never easy.

"You might as well admit that you already gave in. You're reading snippets of the book right now, which is basically like reading the entire thing." She cocked an eyebrow at me.

"I haven't given in, I'm just curious. I barely got past the chapter 9 quotes and there's, what, 23 chapters in that book?"

"24 actually, excluding the epilogue. Just answer me this: Do you like what you've read?"

"I don't know, I guess. I mean, I don't hate it."

"Okay, you have a vague interest for it. Why not just read the first chapter and see if it grabs you in like it has the rest of us?"

For once, Lindsey was being rational about this. She was still trying to get me to read the books, but in a calm fashion that gave me the room to dislike it if that's what ended up happening. And I guess she was right, I was sort of reading it by reading quotes, I might as well be thorough with my research and read the words in between the quotes I've read.

"Alright." I sighed. Lindsey's face lit up instantly, and with that she was gone. If I only knew it would be that easy to get rid of her, I would have agreed to read Twilight months ago. But, she was back seconds later with her precious copy of Twilight.

"Okay, there are some guidelines to reading _this_ copy of Twilight."

Lindsey had a total of four copies of the book: one with the movie poster cover, a hard cover for her bookshelf, a paperback copy for her bedside used for numerous re-reads and, finally, the original copy of Twilight she bought when she first read and became obsessed with the series. This copy was read only once before being placed on a special shelf, all by itself, to be preserved forever. I was actually pretty surprised she was allowing me to use this copy, one she insisted could only be read by her eyes because it was the original and more valuable than the holy grail.

She leant out all of her other copies of Twilight to friends, including the one she gave to Zack which is no doubt stashed in his gym bag somewhere, doomed to never to see the light of day again.

"Linds, I can just wait for one of your friends to give one of your other copies back."

"No. I want you to read _this_ one. I just need you to promise me you will not fold the cover back, that you will not bend or doggy-ear the pages and that you place it on its own shelf or space when not in use." She held the book out to me in her palms and I swear it was glowing. I wasn't sure whether I could pinch the sides of it or if I had to hold my palms out and let her place it in my hands. I hesitantly held my hands out, ready to grab if need be. She watched me as I placed the book on my lap. Her threatening glare quickly turned into a smile as she reached her bedroom door.

Literally ten minutes after Lindsey gave me her most prized possession, Jessica IM'd me about it.

**Jessica; wants a stupid, shiny Volvo owner Says:**

OMG ur reading Twilight?

***Stella Says: **

How on Earth do you know that?

**Jessica; wants a stupid shiny Volvo owner Says:**

Ur sister just posted a blog about how u finally came 2 ur senses and are reading the book.

***Stella Says: **

Omg you're kidding me. She blogged about that?

**Jessica; wants a stupid shiny Volvo owner Says:**

Ya, u should see how many people have commented on it already.

***Stella Says:**

Great, that's all I need, people I don't even know to know about me and that I'm reading Twilight.

**Jessica; wants a stupid shiny Volvo owner Says:**

Actually they've known for a while. She's been blogging about u 4 months.

***Stella Says:**

What do you mean, for months?

**Jessica; wants a stupid shiny Volvo owner Says:**

Go check it /tu/thestellaproject

I clicked the link which brought me to a page collaged with photoshopped pictures of me with each of the Twilight books, along with little captions like "I love Twilight!" and "I was a crazy old fart to not read these sooner!" and, my personal favourite "Edward Cullen, whisk me away you sexy, sparkling, vampire, you!".

The blogs began four months ago when the frustration of my resistance could no longer be kept to herself, at which point Lindsey decided to vent them out to the entire world. The first one was titled: _**Innocent Twilighter Plagued with Heartless Sister**_, dated July 3, 2009:

_Dear Readers, _

_Today I begin a new quest exclusively on __**tu**__ entitled The Stella Project. I am determined to convince my older sister, Stella, to read the Twilight series one way or another. It is an absolute tyranny that a young woman such as my sister is living without the great experience the Twilight series has given all of us. Therefore, I will do everything in my power to ensure that she joins in the joys that the great Stephenie Meyer has bestowed upon us in these four books. _

_Stella's refusal only fuels my goal. I willingly accept the challenge and will come out victorious in the end. Someday, somehow, she will open her eyes and give in. _

_I, Lindsey Swift, vow to clear the fog from her judgement, to lift the veil out of her eyes, to blow away the clouds that are clouding her sanity, to unclog the negativity and guide her into the light. _

_The Stella Project has begun. _

The last entry Lindsey posted under The Stella Project was entitled _**VICTORY IS OURS**_, posted 13 minutes ago.

_My fellow Twilighters, it is with great pleasure that I deliver to you the final instalment of The Stella Project. Today, the clouds were parted, releasing a breeze to shoo away the fog, the sun's rays beaming down as Stella saw the light. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Stella has finally stepped foot on the right path and has agreed to read the Twilight series. _

_The months I have spent preaching the beauty of Twilight, retelling its stories and the love born within its pages have been worth it. For months, Stella has been stubborn and her sanity unclear as she refused the gift I was offering, but finally she has broken through the negative energy. Curiosity was sparked and today I found her looking through Twilight quotes online. _

_What makes this victory even sweeter is that she went to Twilight on her own will, taking the initiative and the effort to research Twilight and read the many quotes we've all come to love._

_I feel like a mother goose who has just witnessed the flight of the last of her little ducklings, one who has rejected using its wings while its brothers and sisters took off flying to the sky, until today when it realized the magnificence of flight. It is because of this that I have bestowed onto Stella my most valuable possession: my original copy of Twilight. She will read the pages only my eyes have read. This makes that copy of the book even more precious to me, for it will mark the spark of her obsession. _

_I am very proud to announce that Stella Swift is a Twilighter. _

_It is on this happy note that I gladly close the doors on The Stella Project. _

_Victory is ours, twi-hards. Victory is ours. _

The entry alone was ridiculous in itself, but what was even more insane were the comments left by creepers who have been following The Stella Project from the beginning. These people treated Lindsey like some kind of fearless leader or God with comments like:

"_Lindsey, you are a legend! Your dedication and passion is very admirable. I only wish to be half the Twilighter you are!" – EdwardsBB34_

"_OME! YOU DID IT! You are incredible Lindsey! This victory took some serious Volturi powers to accomplish, but you did it! Congrats!" – TeamSwitzerland4eva_

My head shook from side to side indefinitely. I opened up my chat with Jessica, my fingers pounding on the keyboard as I vented out my frustrations to her.

***Stella Says:**

I can't believe she did this! That little runt! And what the hell is OME? Are they seriously getting all 'oh shanty shanty' with her? I'm amazed, I'm in complete and utter shock.

**Jessica; wants a stupid shiny Volvo owner Says:**

Lmao it's not OME as in 'ohm' it means 'Oh my Edward'.

***Stella Says:**

Seriously? I don't know which is worse. Wait until dinner, I'm going to spill the beans, she's going to get in SO much trouble. How is she not a nerdy loner at school? I mean, what kind of ninth grader has a Twilight blog?

**Jessica; wants a stupid shiny Volvo owner Says:**

Twilight is really popular Stel. She's like a legend for having the guts to have a blog. People from all over the world love her.

***Stella Says:**

Whatever. I can't wait to see how long she'll be grounded for. And as for me reading that stupid book, count me out.

**Jessica; wants a stupid shiny Volvo owner Says:**

Oh come on Stella don't be like that. Just read it. If not for The Stella Project, then for u. U know ur curious, so kill the cat and get it over with already.

***Stella Says:**

IDK we'll see. I have to go eat dinner, ttyl.

To say I was royally pissed at dinner was an understatement. Everyone at the table could feel the heat from the anger radiating from me. I didn't care though, I wanted them to see it, especially Lindsey. Out of all the things she's done on her crazy escapades to get me to read this series, this has to be the absolute worst. Now kids all over the world know my name and, up until today, have pegged me has a heartless bitch for not reading their beloved books.

Lindsey took a seat across from me at the table, her smile shrinking as she took in my angered expression.

"Can you blink? You're freaking me out." She cringed.

"You saw it?" Zack whispered to me. Even he knew? Why is it that nobody cared to tell me about this before? I let out a long, exasperated sigh in response to Zack's question. I noticed him nod to Lindsey, letting her know all hell would break loose soon, I'm sure.

"Stella, I – " Lindsey's attempt at an explanation wouldn't make a difference to me.

"Why don't you tell us about The Stella Project?" I asked Lindsey once both of my parents were seated at either side of the table.

"Uh oh..." My mother mumbled. My parents glanced at Lindsey in unison. I was about to question it, but ignored it instead. Lindsey sat there, speechless.

"Lindsey created a blog specifically about me just because I won't read those stupid books. She's been telling strangers about me for months." I answered for her. The table was silent. But it wasn't the dead silence of people in shock. They weren't fazed by this news at all, they just continued eating like nothing was going on.

"Stella, it's a harmless little blog. She didn't say anything hurtful." My mother said humbly as she pecked at the peas in her plate.

"You knew about it?" I asked, stunned that even my parents knew about this. My dad shrugged in response to my question, as if I were asking him if he liked the peas.

"You all knew and didn't bother telling me?"

"We knew if we told you, you would overreact just as you are now." My mom answered.

"Obviously. How could you let her keep saying things about me on the internet?"

"Really, Stella it's nothing. It's barely a speck on the world wide web. It's not like the people who read it even know you."

"Exactly. I don't need people from China knowing who Stella Swift is!"

"What's done is done, let it go."

I couldn't believe they were all being so blasé about this. If Lindsey was blogging about them I bet they'd be all over it in a heartbeat, but because it's me it's nothing? I ate the rest of my meal in silence as the rest of my family were chatty about Zack's football practices and Lindsey's lead in the upcoming holiday play. I felt almost non-existent and completely worthless in that moment.

I was finished eating before everyone else, since they were too busy chatting it up to actually eat their food. I picked up my plate, put it in the sink and went to my room. None of them even realized I was gone, or maybe they had but couldn't care to pay any mind to it.

I basked in the silence of my room, staring at the plain beige walls as the time ticked away. My eyes caught site of the Twilight book my sister had given me to read and for a moment I toyed with the thought of putting it back on the shelf in her room, a slap in the face to her victory. But, as I stared at the stack of pages just waited to be read, I couldn't help myself. Curiosity was giving the cat a very slow, agonizing death ever since the books became popular. The cat finally died in the seconds it took for me to pick up the book, carefully hold the cover up and read the first few lines.

* * *


	5. Addicted

**4. Addicted **

Holy crap!

I don't even – what just happened? It seemed like just minutes ago I picked up that book, but my alarm clock is telling me otherwise. It's almost 2 AM. I read Twilight for almost seven hours straight. My eyes feel like they're malfunctioning; everything is blurry. I feel like I was abducted and dropped into this alternate universe named Forks.

It's the strangest sensation. I don't even feel like _me_ anymore. I'm staring down at my hands, wiggle my fingers, press them together; they're mine, they're my hands. So why do I feel so different? Why do I feel like I went through some kind of metamorphosis?

And not only do I feel different than myself, I feel like I'm missing something, a significant something. It's like half of my heart is gone, I'm barely living while the empty space is erupted with sadness. What the hell happened to me?

The funny thing is, the minute my eyes find the page the sadness dissipates a little. It never fully leaves but it's hindered, ever so slightly, like these words are the substitute for the real cure.

So, I continue reading because not reading just hurts too much. I need to experience everything Bella does, I need to understand Edward and everything he says and does. I _need_ it. This isn't just fun and games, a leisurely stroll through a fictional world, no this is absolute necessity. More so than food, more than sleep.

It's so vivid. I'm reading the words and my mind puts them into moving pictures for me. It's like I'm there, like I'm experiencing everything first hand. I can see, smell and feel everything Bella does. Even Edward's icy touch and his scent. I can smell it now, so potently, like he's right beside me. A chill breeze blows by and pounds it into me.

When I got goose bumps and the coolness of the breeze continued to dance along my skin I realized this was no hypothetical breeze. I left my window open. I got up with the book still in my hand, my thumb holding my place for me as I closed the window. The strange thing was, even when I wasn't reading and I was back in my own world, I could still smell him. I inhaled as deeply as I could to make sure I wasn't just kidding myself and, sure enough, mixed in with the coolness of the air was a scent unlike any other. _His_ scent. I wanted to just bask in it and drink it up and let it envelope me.

This is insane. I'm psychotic. This shouldn't be happening. Is this what twilighters go through? Is it really this intense? All this time, I thought the addiction was merely a conjured up obsession that they willingly feed into. I never knew it could take over your senses and alter you as a human being. It was wizardry, this was.

After bookmarking my spot in the book with a torn piece of paper, I followed Lindsey's instructions and placed the book in its own space on a shelf I had yet to fill. I sat down on my bed and took in my room for a minute. Even my room felt different. It was still the same beige walls, same white closet doors full of sticky-note reminders and pick-me-ups and the same black desk with one of its corners scratched and broken off. The shelves placed at alternating levels on the wall facing me, filled with books were still exactly the same, each shelf categorized by genre. There was my window, with white, see-through curtains flowing to the floor, the pink ropes supposed to hold them open dangling at either side so that when the window is open my curtains can billow in the breeze. My carpet is still the same, with a faded pink blotch where I spilled nail polish in ninth grade, a river of brown from when I spilled coffee and then tried covering it by placing my night table in the corner to my right, over top of the massive intrusion on my beige carpet.

All of it was the same as it had been my entire teenaged life. This furniture, knick-knacks and stains all represent who I am, they represent the life I've lived. And for some reason, I feel slightly detached from it. I stared at the book sitting alone on its very own shelf as if it were the devil. Seven hours ago I was normal, blissfully coasting through existence. Now I'm plagued with this void and this longing, all the while not feeling like myself at all.

Is this honestly supposed to happen? Is this how it goes? You read some teeny bopper romance novel and come out feeling all sloppy and out of whack? No. This isn't normal. I'm just over tired, it's inching towards half past two in the morning now, I never stay up past twelve thirty, one at the latest. This is just messing with my brain, my mind is dying for sleep and I'm forcing it to stay awake for that nonsense called Twilight. Sure, it's an intriguing idea for a story, but it's not the greatest book in the history of literature all over the world. In all honestly, the writing really isn't even that great. And yet, all I can think about is Forks and the characters. I feel like I'm losing every ounce of my sanity. I need to sleep. Yes, sleep. A good night's sleep will make all of this go away and will return my sane mind.

I lied in bed until 3 AM, staring up at my ceiling as my mind raced with thoughts and images of that darn book. It's seeping into every waking moment of my life. I will not accept this. This can't be what happens. I'm making it up, reacting based off of my own preconceptions of what those crazy Twilight fans are like. If I just get to sleep my mind will be back into normal mode and I can forget all about this. Too bad I can't sleep. And it's only worse when you lay there, trying to sleep. Whenever I'm restless I usually grab a book and read until I'm tired. I still have a good chunk of Twilight left. Maybe if I read it and put it past me, I can get back to feeling like myself, accompanied with the experience of reading that book once and for all, which meant everyone would finally stop hounding me to read it.

With that, I picked up where I left off: Chapter 13- Confessions.

That's when everything fell apart. I cried. Literally cried. Wet, salty tears slowly streamed down my face as I read about the meadow. When Edward and Bella were laying together, testing the boundaries, I swear I felt it. The moment Edward placed his hand at the base of Bella's neck, mine tingled. My skin erupted in goose bumps. It terrified the hell out of me. Of course, it was probably just my imagination running with me, making me feel these things as I read. It's like when you aren't itchy but then you think about your ankle itching and then it actually does. Ugh, speaking of which, I need to scratch my ankle now.

See, it's all mind tricks. That's right. This isn't supernatural voodoo wee-woo crap. It's mental trickery, the sadistic playfulness of a tired mind. The reading worked though, my lids felt heavier and before I could place the precious book on its shelf, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, my senses were filled with smells, sounds and sensations that were not of my bedroom. My fingers slowly grasped long, thin stems of grass and as I moved my head, it crunched underneath me. It was bright and the sky was white, with slashes of grey. I was fully clothed in hip huggers and a sweater, circa 1967. Clearly I was dreaming and not awake at all, which was strange for me since I rarely ever remember my dreams let alone have vivid ones. So, I went with it, because who knows when I'll ever have another one like it?

I sat up, startled to see another body laying with me. It was Tyler. He opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled that crooked smile of his that makes me swoon. He sat up and the clouds parted, the sun filtering down in thick beams. Tyler's skin began to shimmer, glistening as the sun hit it. It was subtle and fascinating. It wasn't like the diamonds Bella described in the book, it was more like the shimmer of a rock under the sun. I couldn't believe I was dreaming about a scene in Twilight, with Tyler as Edward the vampire to top it all off. I guess it made sense though, since I couldn't stop thinking about Tyler after our coffee date.

I wanted to touch him, to glide my fingers along his skin, to feel if the texture was as grainy as it appeared. His hand lay flat on the grass, looking all too inviting. I extended my hand out to his, watching his face for a sign of discomfort has my fingertips gently glided along his silky, cool skin. It was like running my fingertips against marble that had been left outside during the winter. It sent tingles shooting through my arm and throughout my entire body. He moaned a little as I continued to run my fingers back and forth. He turned his hand over and I continued to run my fingers along the inside of his wrist.

"What are you thinking?" He asked.

I was about to answer when an obnoxiously loud buzzing stung my ears, taking me from the dream and back to reality. I woke up in my own bed, groaning at the buzzing that was extremely close to my ear. The sun was blinding and I cursed myself for not closing my curtains last night.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Lindsey asked, holding the alarm clock in her hands. That's such a Lindsey move, to take an alarm clock and hold it directly at someone's ear until they wake up.

"No and I don't care because I don't have class today. Why are you home?"

"Mental health day." She said naturally. Lindsey takes quite a few mental health days. She's practically known for it, after her famous Twilight blog of course.

"I see you read Twilight last night. You also broke a rule, but I'll let it slide this time." She held the book up, placing it on my night table with a dainty hand. "So?" She asked, sitting next to me on my bed.

"What?" I held my hand up to my eyes to shield them from the blinding light rushing through my window. "Can you close my curtains, please?"

Lindsey huffed, got up and closed my curtains.

"What did you think?"

Ugh, I was too tired to think.

"Hello!" Lindsey waved her hand in front of my face.

"Yes, Lindsey, I heard you. It was..." I slapped a hand to my face, trying to rub the sleep from my eyes as I thought about what happened last night. What did happen? I read nearly half of the book, I know that much. I closed my window, went to sleep, had that weird dream.

And then it hit me; the emptiness, the longing, all of it coming at me from behind like a giant wave, crashing into me and swallowing me whole. I breathed in, expecting to smell him but I couldn't. I thought about the meadow scene, the tingles on my neck, but nothing happened. All of it _was_ a mind trick. I sighed with relief.

"When you read it, did you get so caught up in it that you could...feel things?" I asked.

"Oh my gosh, did I ever!" Lindsey's face erupted with glee. "I would just imagine someone's icy fingers touching my hand, and whenever I was outside and breathed in really deeply, it felt like it was Edward's scent, well what I imagined it would be anyway. Everything just started to take on these different meanings for me. I couldn't help it."

Imagine. She said that word a lot. She _imagined_ Edward's cold touch, she _imagined_ what his scent would be like. She didn't actually experience any of it.

"Is that what happened to you?" She asked, placing an eager hand on my knee.

"Yeah, yeah it uh, I could imagine it. Pretty vividly..." I mumbled the last two words.

"Stella, this is so awesome! I've waited so long to gush over details like this with you. And now you understand why I and so many others are in love with the books." She hugged me, squeezing once before letting go.

"Oh, you have a new Facebook message." She mentioned as she walked towards my door.

"What?"

"Yeah, your phone was beeping so I checked. I didn't read it though, I promise." She skipped out into the hallway, closing my door behind her.

I stretched across my bed, reached for my purse and pulled out my phone. Sure enough, there was a text notification from Facebook.

**Tyler McCulley has sent you a message on Facebook...**

I hurled myself off of my bed and to my desk, opening my laptop in a frenzy. Yesterday, Tyler didn't have a Facebook. Now, not only does he have one but he sent _me_ a message on it! My knees were bobbing up and down with excitement and anticipation. Of course, logging into Facebook had to be a hassle. My fingers just zipped across the keyboard and ended up hitting a few unwanted keys. Maybe I should shorten my password? I mean, 'wewishyouamerrychristmasandahappynewyear' is slightly lengthy. I just couldn't bother with changing it. Finally, after seven tries, it worked and there next to the inbox tab was a little number one that made my breath hitch. I clicked on it, closing my eyes as the page loaded.

_Stella, _

_Acadia has exactly what I was searching for and now I can't seem to get you off of my mind. I trust that you are enjoying your weekend and hope that you may be able to spare a day of it for me. _

_Infatuatedly Yours, _

_tylEr mCculley _

Oh. My. God. Tyler was thinking about me. He can't stop thinking about me. And he wants to spend an entire day with me! I sat there, staring at the message as key words and phrases jumped out at me: Stella, exactly what I was searching for, hope, for me, infatuatedly yours... And heck, every other word in between! What was kind of strange was how he spelled his name at the end. Maybe he was trying to be cool, or that's like his signature way of writing it, like misusing capitalization made him a rebel or something.

I didn't waste any time replying. Hundreds of dating magazines would recommend to play hard to get and keep him waiting, but to hell with that, I'm giving him a response right this second!

_Dearest Tyler, _

_I'm glad you've found what you were looking for at Acadia, the education among other things. I can't stop thinking about you. Ever since we had coffee, all I can think about is your face, your voice, your scent – it pummels me whenever I conjure it up in my mind. It still stuns me how compatible we are. My belief in fate has been restored, I truly believe it brought me to you. It was destiny. I can spare a day, weeks, months, years for you! I can't wait to see you again. If love at first sight didn't exist before, it sure does now because Tyler, I am in love with you. I want to be with you, to feel you, to know how your lips mould to my own, to feel your embrace around me. I will wait in agony for your reply, and when you do I will be filled with the warmth and joy of a thousand suns. Until then, my true love. _

Then I deleted all of that and shortened it to a sweet and simple:

_Tyler,_

_I'm glad that you like what you've found in Acadia. To be honest, I can't stop thinking about you either and would love to see you again. Is today too soon? That is, if you get this today. If not, then how's tomorrow?_

_*Stella _

I laughed at myself a little, for getting carried away with the first version of the message. Obviously, I felt nothing close to that and got _very_ carried away. But the possibilities with Tyler were so promising, and yet it was all unknown. It made things so much more exciting. I was definitely crushing, and crushing hard. Tyler shares the same, unique tastes in things as me, which is so hard to find in a guy. And no, he's not the geeky British musician of my dreams, but he's pretty darn easy on the eyes.

Before I could fantasize and lust any further, my phone beeped. It was a Facebook notification. Could he have replied so quickly?

_Stella, _

_I would love to spend today with you, however I'm bound to previous plans. Tomorrow would be perfect. When shall I pick you up?_

_Anxiously Yours,_

_tylEr mCculley _

I would have to wait until tomorrow. It's such a shame, today is such a gorgeous day. I checked the weather for tomorrow, hoping the sunshine would hold off for another day. Unfortunately, it was going to be overcast with scattered showers. I checked for Sunday with the intention of postponing our...what do I even call it? A date? A hang out? Whatever it was, if Sunday was a nice enough day, it would make sense to push it back another day. Even though I'm anxious enough as it is to hang out with him again.

Sunday was supposed to be partly cloudy with a 30% chance of drizzles, which is pretty great compared to the scattered showers of tomorrow.

_Tyler, _

_How about Sunday? It's supposed to rain tomorrow, but Sunday should be decent. We could go for a walk or something. What do you say? _

Minutes later, Tyler replied:

_Stella, _

_I regret that I can't say yes to Sunday. Are you busy tomorrow? _

Well, I was a little bummed that I couldn't spend a sunny day with Tyler, but I guess I couldn't blame him if he already had plans for the only two good days of weather we're having this weekend. Rain or shine, I'm seeing Tyler tomorrow. So, I told him tomorrow would be fantastic, and he said he'd count the hours until five o'clock tomorrow night, when he'll be picking me up.

I suppose I now have an entire day to waste before tomorrow. It didn't take me long to pick up Twilight and continue reading.

Chapter fourteen switched the crazy back on. The moment Edward admitted to watching Bella as she slept, chills ran through my entire body. I was all too accustomed to the feeling of being watched lately, especially at night when it's dark and the blackness of the night hides anything and anyone behind it. I always felt like someone was lurking around, watching me. Of course it was just my irrational fear talking, and reading about it just made it worse.

As I continued reading, I kept picturing Tyler as Edward, like in my dream. He just fit the description so well, maybe a little too well. The pale skin, the tousled hair, the gold coloured eyes... it screamed Edward to me. Plus, he smelled so good, and his voice was so smooth it could put you in a trance. It make perfect sense why Jessica referred to him as the living Edward Cullen, because he is.

Naturally, I put myself in Bella's shoes, just as every other girl had when reading the book. But, I never imagined it being so intense. I can usually keep myself very separate from characters in a book, it was natural to me, but with this it was like I was there. At first I thought it was just the author's elaborate descriptions and use of adjectives, but when I heard a voice I knew I was on the brink of psychosis.

"You are my life now."

I heard it crisp and clear in his smooth, velvety voice. I could smell him again, too. If only the scent were of burnt toast, so at least I'd have a good enough reason to be smelling something that isn't there. You can't call someone crazy for having a stroke.

I closed the book, upon finishing the chapter of course. I placed it on its assigned shelf, just as Lindsey had so blatantly demanded of me. The real emotion, among other sensations, that this book was conjuring up in me was just too much for me to bare.

I looked at my window, with its closed curtains that made me feel almost claustrophobic. I needed to see outside, to see the sunlight filter through the glass. My curtains looked grey now though, which could only mean one thing: the sun was trapped behind layers of clouds. The sunny day I was looking forward to enjoying was no longer, merely a tease from mother nature. When I neared closer to my window I could hear subtle drip drops of rain slapping against the window pane. Sure enough, when I parted my curtains, rain droplets dotted my window, distorting my view of the backyard. Not that there's much to look at out there, besides the short area of grass before the forest starts; hundreds of trees clustered together, forming its own little world within. But, sometimes I liked to just stare out at the world beyond the trees, at the lives inside it and kind of wish to be a part of it, to be stripped bare of the modern world.

I sighed, accepting the weather for what it was and left my room. Lindsey caught me as I was halfway down the hallway and yanked me into her room, which overlooks the beautifully landscaped front yard. People always think I got the short end of the stick for having a room at the caboose of the house, but I actually feel kind of bad for Lindsey. She doesn't have much to look at out there, it's all plain and boring, not mysterious and beautiful like the forest view of my room.

Lindsey stared at me, eyes wide and seemingly not breathing. The last time she caught me like this was when a spider the size of a toddler's hand was crawling up her wall and I had to kill it for her. My eyes scanned her pink walls, but neither showed any signs of insects. She took my hand and pulled me to the window.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"You will not believe what is outside right now." She pulled her blinds apart and pointed at the glass. "Look!"

I rolled my eyes, knowing already what it was. The neighbours across the street have a pretty hot gardener who pulls weeds and mows the lawn shirtless. Every time he's outside, Lindsey makes an effort to drag me to her room so that she can share her commentary of how every muscle in his body contracts and that if she were Mrs. Flante she would _so_ be pulling a Gabby (from Desperate Housewives, which Lindsey will most likely be when she's married).

I ducked my head down so that I could see through the part in her blinds, only to take two steps back, trip over my feet and fall flat on my ass. Thankfully, Lindsey's bed was there to catch my fall. Unfortunately, so was her massive science text book. It's a hard cover. It sure wasn't the gardener out there this time.

**A/N: Ah, a bit of a cliff hanger until Tuesday, though I'm sure it's not difficult to figure it out. Not much to note today, except that if you haven't read my profile updates then you won't know that The Observer is on its way back. I'm going to dive into writing this weekend and hopefully get up to what I wrote before when I got ahead of myself, prior to the hiatus. I hope you all enjoy your weekend, see ya Tuesday! And finally, please take a second to review, I'd really love to hear your feedback :) **


	6. Steal My Heart Away

**A/N: It's a bit of a long one this week, with lots of fluff and cheese along with the introduction of a new character that will pretty much dominate the next chapter, which is pobably my favorite chapter so far. The title is from a song, Steal My Heart Away by Van Morrison. Chapter 2 was also a song, Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung. The other ones were just kind of generic. I'm horrible at titles, so every once in a while it'll most likely be a song title. Anywho, I hope you enjoy it! Review too, if you don't mind :) **

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**5. Steal My Heart Away**

Outside, parked across the street, was a silver Volvo S60R. Apparently, the S60R is very important, for it's the exact model of Volvo Edward Cullen drives. It is the exact model Tyler drives. Tyler McCulley is parked across the street from my house right now. I don't know why or how, but he's there.

"I don't know anyone with a Volvo S60R, but I know you do. Edward Cullen is across the street!" Lindsey said, her voice escalating to a screech as she reached the end of her sentence.

"His name is Tyler. Ty-ler. Tuh-eye-ler." I said, annunciating his name very clearly with the hopes that it would actually stick to Lindsey's grey matter.

"What's he doing here? Do you guys have a date?" She asked.

"Um..." Well, technically we did but it wasn't supposed to be until tomorrow.

"What are you still doing in here?" She pulled me up and began shoving me out of her room.

Damn it, I'm still in my pyjamas and my hair is – oh God!

"Linds, wait! I need your help. I need to look cute in like, two minutes. Help me!"

"I've been waiting for this moment my entire, pubescent life." She said, standing proudly before grabbing my wrist and sprinting me to my room.

Asking my thirteen year old sister for fashion advice isn't exactly something I like to brag about when a stranger comments on my amazing style that is, in reality, far from my own. But, I have to give Lindsey credit when it comes to fashion, the girl knows what she's doing. All of my best outfits come from what she can pull together in my mess of a wardrobe.

Lindsey whipped open my closet, glanced at a piece of clothing for two seconds and then threw it on to the floor.

"Too dressy." She said to a plaid, waist-high pencil skirt. "Too grungy." She said to a graphic t-shirt. "Too faded." She sighed at a pair of jeans.

"Do you have anything that actually hints to a specific style in here? You're so all over the place, it's like working with a bi-polar kleptomaniac." She whined, biting her bottom lip as she stared down a pair of dark denim skinny jeans.

"Is there anything in particular you wanted to wear today?" She asked, after tearing through everything I own. I spotted a leather bomber jacket I'd been dying to wear since I bought it at a thrift store in June. I completely forgot about it, since it's not exactly practical to wear a leather jacket during the blistering heat of the summer. I pointed to it and Lindsey arched an eyebrow, her little mind bursting with ideas.

"Okay, these skinny jeans with this black tank top and the bomber. Pair it with a couple of layered, silver necklaces and pumps and you're good to go." She said, holding the put together pieces she placed on a hanger for me.

"Pumps? Are you trying to make me break an ankle?"

"Fine, go in flats, be all casual with Ed – I mean, Tyler." She corrected herself after I gave her a death stare.

"What do I do with my hair? It's a mess, I slept on it and I clearly don't have time to wash it."

"We can go for that wavy, I just got out of bed look."

"I _did_ just get out of bed."

"Which makes it that much more authentic!" She smiled. Lindsey left to get the necessary supplies and returned with a bottle of sea salt spray, moose, hairspray and shine spray.

"Now, flip your head over and let me work my magic, por favor."

I obliged, letting Lindsey spray one of her many products all over my hair, followed by her hands scrunching and shaking my tresses until they began to look less frizzy and slept on and more wavy and sexy.

"Flip back." When I did, she scrunched her face up, analyzing her work.

"Your bangs are wonky. I'm doing a side braid."

With that, she parted my bangs and her little fingers wove and tightened the strands to my head until it turned into a very Lauren Conrad side braid. I couldn't for the life of me do this on myself, but Lindsey was the master at it. She got all of the glamour genes.

"Hurry up and get dressed! I'm going to stalk your lover by the window while you get ready." She zipped out of my room and into hers. She really was going to watch him, very intently indeed.

Once I was dressed, I went to Lindsey for approval, to which she shot me a thumbs up and very bluntly told me to get the hell out of the house. I felt nervous and giddy as I reached the door, which in turn made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I'm not one to get all giddy like this, it's like Lindsey's teeny bopper emotions have somehow seeped into my own. Was it the hair spray? Maybe this braid is too tight.

I stepped out on to the porch, watching as the driver's door to the Volvo opened and Tyler stepped out. He closed the door and leaned against his car with his arms folded across his chest, a crooked smile smoothed across his face. Oh sweet Jesus. I was thankful I'd refused the heels, because I'd be flat on my face due to weak knees if I had worn them.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, smiling like I'd just been presented with a million dollars worth of diamonds.

"My plans fell through, so I thought I'd surprise you by taking you up on your offer for today."

"That's quite the gamble. How'd you know I didn't already have plans?"

"I took a risk. Do you have plans today?"

"Well, no."

"Then it was a risk worth taking. Would you like to take a ride with me, Stella?"

This guy and his risks. Everything adds up to that, doesn't it? If he steps outside, he's taking a risk. If he talks to someone, he's taking a risk. I bet he'd even consider breathing as taking a risk if it wasn't an involuntary action. But then again, what in life isn't a risk? So I took one and hopped into the back seat of his car with him.

Well, that's what happened in my twisted little fantasy, anyway. In reality, I nodded and followed him to the passenger side where he opened the door for me like a gentleman. I felt like I had to reciprocate the manners and impress him with my ladylike skills as I stepped down from the curb and eyed the inside of the car. I daintily lifted my foot, pointing it ballerina style and extending it to the floor of the car. Unfortunately, while in my mind the action was slow and calculated, it was actually quick and clumsily executed. Basically, I tripped like an idiot getting into the car in my attempt at being ladylike.

Thankfully, Tyler was there to catch me. His hands gripped my waist, his chuckles making his body shake and therefore sending the vibrations to me. And, being the extremely ticklish person I am, I snapped my body back into him as if I were having a seizure, letting out a girly, screeching squeal. Because of my violent bodily movements, I lost my balance on the slick pavement and sent myself flipping around like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time. And I thought pumps would be dangerous...

I twisted my body around so that I wouldn't land face first on the floor of the Volvo and instead ended up face first with Tyler.

Then it was like the Earth stopped rotating and life ceased to exist as I knew it when our eyes met. The gold of his eyes seemed deepened today, a little darker. Then I realized I hadn't reached the ground. He was holding me, my feet the only part of my body touching the pavement. I breathed him in, the scent all too familiar to me. It occurred to me then that this is the scent I could smell while I read Twilight, a scent I pinned as Edward's, meanwhile it was Tyler's all along. My senses are playing tricks on me, it seems.

The silence was erupted by the obnoxious vibrating noise my phone makes when it gets a text message. Tyler then lifted me up to my feet, our bodies touching chest to chest as the vibrating persisted. His smile spread and then he stepped away from me, nodding towards the sound of my phone. I pulled it out and read a text from Lindsey. She was screaming with joy. No really, her entire text was in caps:

**OME!!!!!!! DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED? YOU WENT FLOPPING AROUND LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER AND HE TOTALLY CAUGHT YOU!!!!! LIKE, HOW EDWARD AND BELLA IS THAT!! GRR YOU'RE SO LUCKY!!!!**

I can always count on Lindsey to take a situation that occurred specifically to me, retell it and make me feel even crappier about it. Of course, she meant this text in the most flattering and encouraging way possible. She compared me to Bella, to her that is the greatest compliment of all time and she was bestowing it upon me.

"Is everything alright, Stella?" Tyler asked, his eyes searching for mine.

I nodded, slipped my phone in my pocket and turned to step into the car. Tyler's hands were still on me waist, easing me down to the seat. I watched his careful strides as he walked around the front of the car to the driver's seat. He's so..._beautiful_.

"So, where are we going?" I asked as he drove, pulling in to Gaspereau Avenue.

"It's a surprise." He smirked. I wanted to keep him talking, to hear his voice for longer than two words at a time.

"You won't believe what I'm reading right now." I said.

" Oh, you've finally decided to give Twilight a chance?" He answered quickly, almost as if he already knew. I mean, I guess it wasn't that difficult of a guess but usually people play the guessing game first, he just went straight for the answer.

"Good guess. I am reading Twilight."

"Have you read the meadow scene yet?" He asked in a serious tone, like my answer could unlock the mysteries of life.

"Yeah, that was the last chapter I read, actually." His face lifted, his lips breaking into a smile of the crooked variety.

"Good. And what did you think of it?"

"I thought it was very intense."

He nodded, as if to confirm that it indeed was intense.

"What did _you_ think about the meadow scene?" I asked.

"It was extremely accurate." He answered as he turned into Greenfield Road. We were venturing into a part of town where nature heavily outnumbers modern amenities, so Tim Hortons or a lunch date could be ruled out.

It was silent after that. I was still trying to figure out how his answer about the meadow scene could possibly make any sense at all. He was very cryptic and mysterious with his words. At first it was really captivating, but now it's getting a little frustrating, I can never understand a thing he says. I stared at the trees out of my window, a green blur to my right. I glanced at the speedometer, realizing Tyler was going significantly above the speed limit.

"You're speeding." I muttered.

"I could slow down, but then it would take much longer to get to our destination." He answered smugly.

"Where would that be?"

"You'll see." He turned into a dirt road, stopping when it ended not too far from the main road.

"A forest?" I asked. He chuckled.

"Just trust me, Stella." He got out of the car, jogging around the front to my side before I could open the door for myself.

"Follow me." He instructed, walking into the trees.

We walked for a few minutes, until the thick of trees began to thin and a clearing was visible. Beyond the trees was Peck Meadow. I stopped in front of the trees and stared out to the wonders before me. It was a meadow I'd seen a few times before, but never gave it a second glance until now. I hadn't seen it during the fall before, when the grass begins to turn a yellowish hue that reminded me of hay, and the pretty little white, blue, yellow and purple flowers that pop up here and there are long gone. It looked deserted and yet oddly inviting.

Tyler continued to walk deeper into the meadow as if he owned the place. He seemed to fit in the meadow. Seeing him in it now, I knew it would be the only right way to see the meadow, for without Tyler amidst its beauty, the meadow was simply a field of grass. They belonged together.

Tyler turned around and stared back at me with a smile, his chest rising and falling in a deep sigh. I walked towards him, feeling as giddy as a school girl. I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt being in the middle of nowhere with him. I couldn't believe how much I just wanted to lay in the grass with him and with his arms around me. Technically, he was still a stranger and yet I wanted nothing more than to share my innermost self with him and be tangled up with him in the middle of a meadow.

"Is it like the meadow you imagined?" He asked, referring to the meadow in Twilight.

I had an eerie sense of déjà vu just then, as I thought back to how I had envisioned the meadow while reading Twilight. Seeing Tyler standing there in the meadow reminded me of my dream. Edward in the meadow, the sun shining down on his skin that shimmered in its light, my fingers on his cold skin. It felt like I was back there now.

I looked up, startled to see Tyler so close to me. I didn't even hear the grass make a sound as he walked over here. It was almost as if he teleported himself to me or something.

"What are you thinking?" He asked. My stomach turned. His eyes were staring deeply into me, his scent pummelling my senses and his voice matching the one I heard in my dream and as I read earlier today. I knew these were just games my over-imaginative brain was playing, but it didn't make it feel any less real.

"This is exactly how I pictured it." I whispered, looking away from his gaze. His finger gently touched my chin, guiding it up towards him.

"Your fingers are cold." I mumbled.

"It's a chilly day." He said quietly, his breath expanding over my face. I felt like I was about to collapse. Our faces were so close. My bottom lip trembled a little, anticipating his next move.

"Stella?" He whispered.

"Hm?"

"May I kiss you?"

"Mhm"

His face stayed close to mine for a few, dragging moments. What was he waiting for? Why wasn't he planting a sloppy, wet one on me yet? He slowly inched forward, his thumb and index finger lingering on my chin, keeping me still. Our lips hovered next to one another, pressing together ever so slightly. My breathing quickened and intensified. Tyler sighed and licked his lips. This is it. It's coming. This is going to be the greatest kiss ever in the history of lip smacking!

His head dropped and he stepped away from me. No kiss. He let out a frustrated sigh, his face scrunched.

"I'm sorry." He said, looking down at the grass.

I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, what exactly is the correct thing to say when someone builds up the tension to an imaginably incredible kiss, then backs away?

"It's okay." I said, my lips tugging into a lame smile. He looked hurt or rejected. It was really strange, to be honest. It's not like I was fighting him off, he could've kissed me if he wanted to.

"I suppose I got too carried away. We should take things slowly." He said, finally looking up at me.

Carried away? There is no such thing! It was perfection, until he backed away. I wasn't sure why he wanted to take things slow, but I had to respect that so I nodded, gave a little shrug and dropped the subject. I've never been one to enjoy taking the fast route, guys always had to take things slow for me. Being so close to someone so early was usually overwhelming to me, but this time I just wanted him to kiss me already. The role reversal was kind of awkward.

"Would you like for me to take you home?" He asked, concerned.

"No, of course not. Let's just talk." I sat down in the grass and Tyler sat across from me. He sat so still and tall, not a hint of a slouch. He was like a statue.

"What are you thinking?" He asked again.

"I'm thinking about you." I answered.

"What about me?"

"You're very mysterious. I'm trying to figure you out."

"How's that going?" He asked with a smirk.

"I'm not really sure." I laughed. He pulled out an iPod, fiddled with it and then handed it to me.

"Here, just press play."

A piano melody filled my ears, sending shivers and tingles down my spine. It swelled up every emotion in my gut as the notes flowed into each other. It was familiar, maybe even special. I couldn't place where I've heard it, yet I knew exactly what was coming next after each passing note. I glanced down at the iPod screen, seeing that I was listening to Clair de lune by Debussy, a song Tyler insisted I listen to when we hung out at the coffee shop.

"I've heard this before, I think." I blubbered, a salty wetness seeping into my lips. I was crying. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm such an emotional wreck lately, I don't know what's gotten into me."

Tyler swiped a cool thumb across my cheek, cutting the stream of tears. His eyes were so warm, his lips tugged into a tender smile. There was so much emotion there in his eyes. It was like looking at someone I had an intense history with. I wondered if I conjured the same feeling in him. Maybe I was just crushing so hard I wanted to believe I did know him. Things happened so fast and so unexpectedly with him that, if I thought I knew him, it wouldn't seem so bad to fall so fast.

"What are you thinking now?" He asked. It seemed to be his favourite question, he always wanted to know what was going through my mind. Funny, I'm always wondering what's on _his_ mind.

"It's silly..." I said, shaking my head to dismiss the subject of my odd and sometimes irrational thoughts.

"I want to know." He insisted. I sighed, knowing if I didn't answer now it would just be a back and forth conversation of me coyly declining to answer and him persisting with the same question. So, since he wanted to know so badly, I would risk sounding like some obsessed psycho and divulge my inner commentary to him.

"I just keep getting this strange feeling like I know you, that I have known you for a really long time. It's crazy –"

"No. It's not. I feel the very same way." He took his finger away from my cheek, but his hand hovered in the air, as if he were fighting with himself on whether to touch me or not.

"Why do you think that is?" I asked, hoping to get a mere inkling of his thoughts.

"The world is a mysterious place."

He answered with a calmness that made him seem wise beyond his years. However, it was frustrating that his answer was one many use in response to a question that cannot be answered. My question wasn't difficult, I was reciprocating his own question, so the generic answer he gave me was, well, rather annoying. I hated having to pry for his thoughts, but I figured it'd be worth the try. A man of few words and many mysteries has got to have some pretty interesting thoughts, no? I decided I'd have to bring it all, to confess what I've felt from the very beginning in the best way I could, hoping he'd return the favour.

"I just can't shake this feeling." I sighed, shaking my head at the absurdity of it all. This was something I've never felt, something I couldn't explain no matter how much I tried.

"Do you have any theories?" He asked.

"Theories?"

"Yes, theories. About why you feel like we know each other."

"Oh, I never really thought about it. Have you?"

"There could have been an inkling or two." His answers are never much of an answer. It's like he's always speaking in tongues, never just giving a simple answer a simple question. My patience was thinning.

"Do you ever answer a question with a simple, concise response like yes or no?" I asked.

"Yes." He answered, the smug smile returning to his face.

"Very funny." I fake laughed. "Okay, I have a theory." I announced. Tyler nodded for me to go on.

"Maybe we're just so compatible that it feels like we know each other, because we're so much alike it's like finding ourselves in another person. And who do you know better than yourself?"

"Many people don't know themselves as well as they think they do. Come on Stella, step out of the box, get creative!"

"What's your theory then, mystery man?"

"Perhaps it's more spiritual than scientific."

"Meaning?"

"Say, if we knew each other in a past life. Our souls recognize what our conscious minds cannot."

I just stared at him for a moment. I was relieved and excited that he finally let me in, that he revealed a little bit of his mind to me. But I was also amazed at the nature of his thoughts. I guess it made sense when you put it all together, I mean what's more mysterious than spirituality? And Tyler is all mystery. But, it seemed like such a cop-out answer to me, which I suppose seemed to be the nature of every one of his answers, never being straight forward and always very general. Maybe it was his way of challenging me, he's been doing it all day, whether it was intentional or not. Still, I was intrigued; for stepping out of the box, he didn't step very far.

"Your theory is reincarnation? That's stepping out of the box? I could get the same answer from watching Montel on a Wednesday morning."

"Just think about it. Two souls recognizing each other, feeling past emotions and seeping them into the present. It's a connection many spend their entire lives searching for and never truly find it."

"Like soul mates?" I asked, no longer cynical. I was genuinely interested in this now. The way he described it fit so well with the way I've been feeling since I met him. Tyler could be my soul mate. As crazy as it was to believe that someone you've known for all of two days is your soul mate, I actually started to consider it.

"Yes." His answer was clear and concise, a change from his cryptic way of answering things. He believed it, that he and I were soul mates somehow. I should be creeped out, but it's sort of comforting. It validated my feelings, making me feel less insane for feeling this way in the first place. What are the odds of this ever happening? And even if we aren't soul mates, what's the harm in taking a risk and finding out?

Rationality kicked in and I knew I had to get to know him first before I jump into anything impulsively, even though all my impulses are pulling at me to jump already.

"What was your life like before Wolfville?" I asked, laying down in the grass now. Tyler turned and laid down next to me.

"Lonely." He uttered.

"Why?"

"I found myself surrounded by love constantly, while missing my own."

"You were in love before?"

"Yes."

"Tell me about her." I asked. He sighed deeply. I thought I may have pushed a button and was about to retract the question when he began to speak.

"She was my everything. She was my first and only love. She brought me to life and gave everything a new meaning." He looked up at the sky as he spoke. He really loved this girl. I hated to think of the pain he must have endured when it ended between them.

"What happened to her?" I asked, although I probably shouldn't have. He was already hurting, this would just make it worse to rehash old wounds. But getting so much personal information from him in large doses was too addicting to quit.

"She moved on." He said simply. "Have you ever been in love?" He asked. I guess I should've seen that one coming.

"Not really. I mean, I tried to be but, no."

"How does one try to be in love?" He asked with a hint of a laugh.

"Back in high school, I was dating this guy, Derek. We were together the last two years of high school and everyone pinned us as high school sweethearts. He was really sweet and considerate and we just really got each other. He really loved me and I wanted to love him back so badly, and in a sense I did, but not in the way he wanted me to. But everyone kept saying how great it was that I had this high school sweetheart thing and I thought I was pretty lucky so I stayed with him. In the back of my mind though, all I could think of was how much I couldn't wait for graduation so that we could just go our separate ways because he deserved so much better than me. He begged me to go to Dartmouth with him and that's when I broke it to him that I just didn't feel the same way for him as he did for me. It was horrible, hurting him like that. I wished I could have loved him."

I hadn't realized, as I rambled on and on about my non-love, that Tyler was watching me as I spoke. There I was, obliviously staring at clumped together clouds in the sky, and he was gazing at me with admiration. I prayed this wouldn't be another Derek situation, but a part of me already knew that it wouldn't be.

"He wasn't the one." He said matter-of-factly.

"No, I guess not." I mumbled.

The verbal conversation dwindled, but other conversations erupted. As we lay next to each other, Tyler's cold hand inched closer to mine until his fingers were intertwined with mine. His thumb caressed the top of my hand, sending trails of fire after each pass. His hand remained cold, even after being tangled up in the warmth of mine. It was making me a little chilly. I like being cold though, so I didn't mind.

We stared at each other endlessly for a few moments. I swear his eyes didn't blink once during that time. I figured I just kept missing them, but what are the odds of two people blinking at the exact same intervals?

"Tell me about your life." Tyler whispered, breaking the silence between us.

"There's not much to tell." I laughed.

"Of course there is. There are nineteen years worth of things to tell me about."

"Why do you want to know about my life?" I questioned. We'd already been through the basics before, it seemed odd for him to ask again.

"Because I want to know you." He answered.

"Okay. I guess I was always an oddball. From what I hear, I had a lot of imaginary friends when I was a kid. I would spend more time alone and with people that weren't real, rather than with other kids. That kind of translated into the rest of my life, I guess. I mean, I love going out and socializing, but honestly I'd rather have a quiet night at home than to be surrounded by people. I opened up a bit in grade school, made friends and became social, but then I'd go home at the end of the day and lock myself away until dinner. In high school I never really got involved in extra-curriculars, except for band in the ninth grade which was a total disaster. I was kind of all over the place in terms of friends, I got along with everyone fairly well. And now I'm here, in my second year of university without a clue as to what I'm supposed to do in life. I lead a very non-exciting existence." I sighed, huffing a quick laugh at the end of my last sentence, realizing how true it really was.

I turned to Tyler at the end of my life story and was met with his smile. He was satisfied. He didn't say anything, he just kept smiling like he knew something I didn't.

"You'll run into your destiny soon enough." He uttered. I nodded slowly, not so sure about that.

"So, you know all about me and yet I feel like I know absolutely nothing about you." I said. Tyler laughed, his head rolling up so that he was looking up at the sky.

"Tell me about your life." I mimicked him.

"It's complicated." He sighed.

"I'm pretty sure I can keep up." I nudged him.

"Alright, if you insist. I was born in Chicago where I lived for the first part of my life. When my birth parents died, my adoptive father took me in and made me a part of his family, my siblings being added through similar circumstances later. A portion of my existence was very dark. I was living day by day, practically losing any sense of time for it seemed to hold very little meaning to me. High school was mind-numbing, repetitive and dull, until I found love there and it brought me to life. I felt – human, because of her."

A slight smile spread as he thought of the love that changed the very meaning of his life. He seemed to be hung over her still, which worried me. How could he ever fall for someone like me when he's still living in the shadow of a love that literally changed his life? I feared this would be one sided, yet I couldn't help but fall for him and fall hard in that moment. He was so deep and compelling, a man full of substance and wisdom and, while it was annoying at times, he challenged me in ways no one else ever cared to. I just wanted to stare at him and listen to him speak all day long. Nothing he says is ever meaningless, although often difficult to decipher. He's very unlike the immature guys I encounter every day. Tyler McCulley is different. Kind of like me...

"She must mean a lot to you." I mumbled.

"Yes." He confirmed.

It got silent again after that. I wasn't really sure what else to say in this situation, and with Tyler it was like he didn't need to speak, his presence did all of the talking for him. So we just laid there in silence, watching the clumped clouds above us billow and pass by. The silence ate away at me, however, and I felt like I should fill the air with something other than the sound of our breathing.

"The sky looks like clumps of dirty cotton balls." I thought out loud. Tyler laughed.

"Yes, they do. I find a sense of comfort underneath them; safety."

"Not me. I love the sun. Weather like this is so depressing. It makes the word feel – dead."

Tyler turned to look at me, his brows furrowing a little. I didn't quite get what he was looking at me for. Was it something I said? I bit down on my bottom lip, wondering if maybe I said something I shouldn't have. He looked regretful, even a little sad.

"Is something wrong?" I asked. His expression changed and he smiled.

"No. Everything is just right."

I stared at his lips as he spoke, admiring them. His bottom lip pouted slightly more than his top lip, making it seem so inviting. His top lip was thinner, perfectly sculpted at the cupid's bow. His thick hair flittered in the breeze. My fingers twitched with the urge I had to run my fingers through it.

A wet drop splattered across my forehead, waking me from my daydreams. I looked up at the clouds, darker in color now and filled with rain. I sat up abruptly and heard Tyler laughing behind me, his hands on his stomach as he bared witness to my reaction to the rain.

"It's only water." He said as he sat up.

"I hate the rain! If we don't leave now, we'll be soaked." I pulled myself up to my feet, my hands extended to Tyler as I offered to pull him up. Unfortunately, I hadn't realized he was already standing and my hands aimed at a very unintended area. Heat flushed to my cheeks, and I could only imagine how red I appeared now in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to –"

"I know, it's alright." He laughed.

And as if his laugh were a signal to the universe, rain began pummelling down to the earth in thick sheets. I screamed as the drops soaked into my clothes and my hair, which felt slimy now due to the amount of product Lindsey put in it. I tried to run, but ended up slipping in the grass and falling into Tyler's waiting arms. He always seemed to be there, ready to catch me. I had no idea where this clumsiness was coming from today, this is the second time he's had to catch me.

He lifted me to my feet and I gripped his arms for support. I looked up at him, his hair soaked and dripping, sending streams down his face. Water was running down his sculpted jaw, to his chin where droplets formed and fell to the ground. His lips were twitching as they spread into a tight smile. He burst into fits of laughter.

"You look so miserable." He managed to say in between guffaws.

"Thanks, I'm glad this amuses you." I said bitterly, hating the soggy feeling of wet clothes. I shivered, feeling even colder now that I was drenched in cold rain.

"Let's go." I said.

I turned, carefully placing one foot after the other into the slick mud and grass. I was doing pretty well and, after three slow and steady steps, sped up my pace. This backfired and I was sent backwards. I closed my eyes tightly, bracing for the impact of hitting the ground, only I never made it to the ground. I opened my eyes slowly, Tyler's face hovering inches above my own. He was holding me up from the ground, his arms wrapped around my body, one hand on my lower back, the other at the base of my neck. I lifted my face closer to his, my lips dangerously close to his. I stopped and waited for him to take it further, hoping that he wouldn't back away. He sighed and inched closer, closing the gap between our lips and pressing his to mine.

Our mouths moved together in perfect rhythm, like they were two halves of an orchestra finally put together to make the most beautiful sound known to man. He took my bottom lip between his, kissing gently at first and then more passionately, tugging and sucking with more force. Its perfection made me grateful that we hadn't kissed earlier. His lips were plush and sensual, and freezing cold. He lifted me, yet still kept his arms gently around me. The rain had stopped and the clouds lightened in color, although still persistent in their thickness.

"You're so cold. Are you feeling okay?" I asked. He looked away from me, gulping before answering.

"It's a chilly day, and we were just severely rained on. Of course, I'm cold." He said with the faintest chuckle.

There was a rustling amidst the trees, startling me so much I clutched on to Tyler for dear life. Coyotes weren't rare here and, although I'd never encountered one before, I've always anticipated in fear for the day that I would. I suppose this just had to be the one. At least I'd be ripped to shreds on a good day, one I could leave happily instead of alone, drenched and miserable. Tyler was extremely tense, his hands balled into fists as he assumed a protective stance in front of me, turning to face the trees, expecting the predator to emerge.

"Should we run?" I whispered, my voice quivering. Tyler shook his head once.

"It'll be alright, Stella." He reassured.

The rustling settled, replaced by twigs snapping and leaves crunching. I closed my eyes, burying my face into Tyler's shoulder as the creature got closer. We should be running, the car isn't very far. Why are we still standing here? Would he really risk his life for me, a girl he's only recently met?

He took a cautious step forward, then another. I followed, my fingers still clawed into his coat.

"Tyler, don't." I whispered.

"It's alright. I think it's gone." He said, still looking in between the trees for any signs of wildlife.

"Are you sure?" I gulped. He nodded, turning to me with a smile.

"Come on, I'll take you home." He began walking toward the trees.

I didn't move right away. Instead, I watched Tyler as he took his careful steps towards the trees. I couldn't believe he wasn't hesitant or at least cautious as he approached the darkness between the trees. Something could be in there, waiting for us and he's willingly walking right into it. When he realized I wasn't behind him, Tyler stopped and turned, standing in his place. He smiled and waved me over. I looked around the empty meadow I was standing in alone, comparing it to the clustered trees that Tyler was standing in. I am the perfect target right now, any animal would smell my fear in a millisecond. Tyler walked with this confidence, like nothing in the world could touch him. I ran over to him, pummelling into his side. He wrapped his arm around me and I felt completely safe.

We made our way through the trees and back to the Volvo, where our wet bodies soaked into his seats. The drive back home was fairly silent, besides the quick glances we both took of each other. Every time we caught the other doing it, we would laugh, but no words were spoken beyond that. It was a comfortable silence. I normally felt the need to fill the silence with meaningless conversation because it make me anxious to think things could become awkward, but with Tyler that anxiety was non-existent.

I found myself deep into my own thoughts about him. He was _so_ strange. He's definitely not the typical company I keep around, and yet all I want is to spend more time with him. There's this undeniable chemistry between us, a pull that I can't ignore or deny. When I'm with him, I can feel my bitter heart begin to thaw out. The giddiness, the sparks, the tingles, all of it is absolutely terrifying and foreign to me, but also extremely addicting. Now that I've felt this with someone, I'm not sure I can go back to being alone again.

I chuckled at myself for even having such thoughts, I've only known him for two days. Maybe that's a part of the attraction, the fact that I don't know him. He's intriguing and mysterious. I feel like a child who's at the stage where they question everything, where every object their eyes gaze upon becomes a mystery and they must know everything about it, jumping from person to person with their abundance of questions. He made me feel careless and risky. I liked feeling this way.

He parked his car across the street from my house, just like he had earlier when he unexpectedly showed up. I could see Lindsey peaking through the blinds of her bedroom window. She was mouthing something to me but I could not make out what she was saying at all. She has this irrational idea that everyone can read lips. Tyler stepped out of the car, walking briskly around the front of the car and to my door, opening it for me. I wasn't used to this kind of thing, it was kind of weird. I stepped out of the car, careful not to slip, and closed the door behind me. My hair and clothes were still wet, a mucky feeling that made me extremely uncomfortable. I could not wait to take a nice, hot shower. Unfortunately, I'd have to get through Lindsey first, which would not be easy.

"Here we are." He breathed. "I would love to see you again."

"Yeah, me too. You'll be in class Monday, right?"

"Oh, yes, of course. Monday, then?" He asked. He seemed a bit disappointed.

"Yeah...we could do something outside of school too, if you want." I offered.

"That would be great. I'll call you." He smiled and waited expectantly. I smiled back, not catching on to what he was implying right away.

"Oh! I suppose you'll need my number for that. It's 555-2847."

" Okay." He smiled, his eyes on my lips. I took the initiative, bringing myself up to him and kissing him lightly.

"See ya!" I called out to him as I crossed the street. He was still on the passenger's side of the Volvo, watching me until I entered my house.

Lindsey was already at the door when I got inside, her little body bouncing with excitement until she laid eyes on my soaked self.

"What on Earth happened to you? All of my work, ruined!" She threw her hands up in the air.

"We got caught in the rain." I explained.

"Where did he take you?" She asked with her hands placed on her hips, her foot tapping vigorously against the hardwood floor. I was dreading this question. I knew, the moment I uttered the first syllable of the word 'meadow' she would freak out. So, to save myself hours of Twilight babble, I twisted the truth a bit.

"We went for a walk down by Peck Corner."

"How...romantic." She scrunched her nose, trying to sound enthusiastic. A date consisting of a walk sounds like mucking a stall to Lindsey. She's a hopeless romantic, who thinks a first date needs to be a fancy dinner, paid for by the guy, and possibly a movie or midnight stroll by horse drawn carriage.

"It was nice, I had a good time. Can you leave me alone now so I can shower?" I asked, since Lindsey was standing in the bathroom with me.

"I can't believe it ended up being that boring. A walk?" She asked, ignoring my request.

"You just said it was romantic." She rolled her eyes.

"A walk, though? Really? That's so not Edward Cullen. This is such a disappointment." A chuckle bubbled in my throat at the irony of that sentence. My date with Tyler was actually _very_ Edward Cullen.

"You make it sound like you were the one going on a date with him." I said.

"Well hello, it was Edward Cullen! Obviously I'd live vicariously through you. I guess he's not so much like Edward after all..." Her head hung low at this realization. While her dreams were crushed, I was glad she finally admitted that Tyler was not this fictional vampire. However, his choice of venue for our date was chosen based on Twilight, the one thing she loves and the one thing I can barely stand, although my tolerance has gotten better since reading some of the first book.

"Great, now get out." I said, shooing her with a wave of my hands towards the door.

"Oh, by the way, Dane IM'd you."

"What? How do you – you were on my computer again, weren't you?"

"Zack borrowed my laptop and I needed to check my blog comments, I can't keep my readers waiting. Hits are through the roof on The Stella Project! Anyway, he said he wanted to make sure you were still on for tonight."

"Still on?" I asked, finally remembering the plans I'd made with him for tonight. "Crap, I need to get ready!" I shimmied out of my leather jacket and hopped around to get my socks off. Making plans with Dane is like trying to contact a celebrity, it's pretty much impossible and even when the slightest hope of a chance comes through, it's never concrete. This was the first time in months that we were committed to getting together and it had completely slipped my mind.

"Are you going to the reservation? Can I come!" Lindsey asked, her hands clasped together.

"No, I haven't seen Dane in a long time."

"Please! I won't bother you, I swear. I want to see Caleb."

Lindsey has this annoying crush on Caleb, Dane's older brother who is practically twice Lindsey's age. She has this dream that one day, when she's older, he'll be astounded by her maturity and will finally want to be with her. She's turned down so many boys for this pipe dream. Poor kids come here with flowers for her and leave here, empty handed and heartbroken every single time.

"Lindsey, please. Just go write on your little blog or something okay."

With that, I slammed the door and got ready in record time. Between the blow drying and straightening of the hair, a quick make-up application and outfit selection, I was out of the door in 37 minutes. Butterflies flapped their arrogantly large wings in my stomach as I drove up to the Horton Indian Reserve.


	7. The Guardians

**A/N: Here we are, it's Tuesday and here is the next chapter. We've got a few new characters this time around, including Dane that was introduced last Tuesday. Besides him, there are five more guys added to the story. I'll keep this short, not much to stay this time. I did want to let those of you reading The Observer know that I finally found my book and got back into writing yesterday, I'm just figuring things out at this point but that will get back up and running soon. But for the time being, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Review please, if you don't mind :) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, just having fun with the world Stephenie Meyer created!**

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**6. The Guardians **

Dane Soloman has been one of my best friends since diapers. Our mothers, who had been best friends since high school, would bring us together when they had their weekly get-togethers. While our moms sipped coffee and gushed over the trials and tribulations of being mothers, wives and working women, Dane and I were off exploring the world.

Dane and I had so many adventures. We used to sneak out of the house and run through the thick bunch of trees that surrounded his house until we got to the river. Then we'd go into the shallow areas of the water, searching for treasures that we brought back with us and placed in a special drawer in Dane's room. We thought the weirdest things were treasures, like oddly shaped and coloured rocks, a leaf with so many holes in it from bugs that it looked like a greenish brown web, half of a crab shell and dented beer bottle caps. It's basically a drawer full of junk, but we marvelled over it.

We found unintended treasures on our adventures too, ones that would affect us deeply and eventually mould us into the people we've become. The forest around Dane's house was thick and seemingly endless, the perfect spot for anyone who wants to hide something. We witnessed harmless things, like groups of teenagers from town who set up camp fires, drinking and smoking around them until they passed out into their tents. We witnessed strange things, like an old man foraging around in the dirt searching for a woman named Margie, who was nowhere in sight, and then having full out conversations with her when he 'found' her. He caught us watching him once and actually introduced us to Margie. We were scared right out of our socks when he told Margie that we're in the forest all the time. Had he noticed we were watching, or was he watching us?

We came across heartbreaking scenes, like when we found a large buck laying in the thick blanket of autumn leaves with its back to us, its horns poking out to us like ivory coloured, bare branches. We didn't realize it was dead until we walked around it to the gory scene of its torso ripped apart, blood flowing like a river at the tips of our feet, where it stopped. Its eyes were still opened, the terrified look on its face being the way it would remain forever, until time ran its course and the body decayed. It was that scene that haunted us, birthing a respect for every living creature this Earth harboured. We made a pact there that we would never harm any living thing, whether it be an ant or an antelope, only interfering if it would help them and not destroy them. It taught us how fragile life is and that we should enjoy and appreciate our own.

We also saw things no one, especially a child, should ever bear witness to. Two wolves, one grey and the other a burnt red, each larger than any wolf known to man, towering so high it seemed unnatural, hovered over two bodies in a chorus of growls as they tore apart their flesh. The screams, something I'd rather have forgotten, still come back to haunt me. We learned then that nature can be cruel and that death changes everything, a lesson Dane would later become even closer with when his father died four years later. We saw the wolves when we were fourteen, the last time we ever ventured through the woods by his house alone, even though any signs of the wolves were non-existent since that day.

When Dane's dad died of a heart attack a little over one year ago, things began to change between us. I was with Dane the night his father passed, when everyone close to the family went to the Soloman's house to say their goodbyes. Dane was the last to speak to his dad. He went in that room my best friend and came out a stranger. He wouldn't look at anyone and didn't speak a word to anyone but Caleb, his older brother by four years. Caleb had gone through quite the change himself, one Dane often complained about.

When Caleb turned seventeen, he started hanging out with a group of guys known as The Guardians. The reason for the name is unknown to anyone not belonging to the reservation, and even then, those who do know are a tight-knit group. At first, Caleb's affiliation with The Guardians was loose, kept to greetings and hang outs every once in a while, but never anything serious. When Caleb had a growth spurt, that seemed to happen overnight, his entire personality changed. He was more rigid and stern, his carefree, light-hearted nature replaced by newfound strength and stamina. He was barely ever home, always tagging along behind the four members of The Guardians, officially becoming the fifth.

When Dane walked over to his brother, who stood encircled by The Guardians, I feared that Dane might become the sixth member. It was like, when Garrett and Len parted to let Dane through and closed the gap between the shoulders, when Dane was in the center with Caleb, an invisible force was initiating him into the group. I walked over to them, standing on my tiptoes trying to see beyond the tall, muscular bodies that stood in my way, but was met with stern nods and glances. Dane emerged from the group, looked at me and then left the house, The Guardians following shortly after. Our friendship hasn't been the same since then.

Dane stopped calling and instant messaging me, our routines of late night talks about random subjects like the between the lines meanings of rap songs whose lyrics are unrecognizable to the English language, or what new, underground bands we've found and if we can outdo the other's awesome find, had come to an abrupt end. When I tried to visit or get a hold of him, he ignored me and did everything in his power to keep me away, saying that things were different now, that he's grown up and doesn't have time for childish nonsense, or that he simply doesn't have time for me. What he was so busy with I'll never know, because he never cared to tell me. When I'd ask he'd say he couldn't tell me, that it was personal business. The last time I checked, I _was_ his personal business and he was mine. Eventually, I stopped trying and hadn't spoken to him in over six months.

About two months ago things were rekindled between us. Although our friendship will never be what it was, for we were both two different people moving on to different chapters in our lives, we could always start anew and eventually build ourselves back to a great friendship.

I was standing in line at Tim Horton's, just like I had every other morning before that. In front of me in line were two people: a short, plump old woman with her thin hair wild in loose curls, wearing a floral print wrap dress and a tall man, who had to be over six feet tall, with russet coloured skin and a muscular build wearing a wife beater and sweat pants with buttons running down the sides. It was that man who was waiting for the server to take his order. I was tapping my foot impatiently for these two strangers to get their coffee and skedaddle so that I could grab mine and get to class before it was too late. When I heard the man order a large double-double, I could care less about my coffee. The tall, muscle man was Dane.

When he turned around I recognized his face immediately. It was him alright. He was way taller and huge since the last time I saw him. He was no longer the boyish, quirky Dane I knew. Now he was a man. He was _built_. I couldn't get over it. I blinked slowly for a moment, trying to take in his size and his presence. When he said my name, his voice was deep and a bit rugged.

That was when we decided to resume our friendship. He called me later that night just to catch up, only our conversation was interrupted when 'the guys' aka The Guardians showed up and he had to go. They seemed to be the reason he couldn't make it every time he had planned to come down to Wolfville to see me. This time I was determined to see him, so I agreed to drive up to the reservation, hence my current position on Highway 101 to Horton 35.

I pulled up to Dane's house, a quaint little place resembling a log cabin. It was surrounded by trees, with its own little dirt road that lead up to the driveway. Many of the homes out here on the reservation were on their own like this. It was nice and serene, with the privacy of not having close neighbours, but the security of knowing there's a house minutes away through the trees.

There were four motorized dirt bikes leaning against the porch when I pulled in. I rolled my eyes, knowing that the bikes belonged to The Guardians. I got out of my car and walked over to inspect them. Each bike was a different colour and had a personalized license plate. Yellow was Garrett's, Green was Dakota's (AKA Dax, as inscribed on his license plate) , Blue was Len's and Red was Chaske's , the oldest of the group. On the other side of the porch were two more bikes, a white one with Caleb's name on it and a black one with Dane's. I sighed, running my finger along the handle bars of the black bike as I shook my head. He was one of them, through and through.

I could overhear talking as I inspected the bikes and walked along the side of the house where the window to the kitchen was open, the floral printed curtains billowing outside. Dane's voice broke through.

"Are you sure it was her, Len?" He asked.

"Yes, D, I'm positive. She was with it all alone in the clearing." Len replied.

"God damn it! Why? Out of all of the overcast towns, out of all girls, why did it have to be her?" Dane grunted.

"Calm down and listen to me. Now that we know for sure that one of them is in the vicinity, we can take care of it. In the mean time, keep her away from it." Chaske instructed.

I was absolutely lost. What were they talking about? Was an enemy gang in town, threatening their authority over Horton? Did Dane have a girlfriend I didn't know about that one of the rival members is after? I couldn't believe Dane got himself caught up in something like this. It was beginning to sound like a bad rendition of Grease. Is it time to break out into song yet? I'm just waiting for Dane to jump out the window, hands in the air as he sings,

_I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control 'cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'! _

When no such thing occurred, I walked back to the front of the house and hesitantly knocked on the front door, staring at the dried up 'welcome' wreath as I waited. There were hushed whispers and a lot of shuffling until someone finally answered the door.

"Caleb." I said, surprised Dane wasn't the one greeting me with a hug, like he usually does. Well, before he got all weird that is. Caleb looked like a much older, more manly version of Dane. His hair, once long and thick, was replaced with a shaved head, and his body seemed even bigger than the last time I saw him. His size was a little intimidating.

"Hey Stella, it's good to see you." Caleb smiled and stepped aside. I walked in, the tension in the room suffocating. The boys of The Guardians were seated sparsely around the house, with Dane, Chaske and Garret in the kitchen, seated at the round, mahogany table, and Len and Dax sprawled out on the black leather couch in the connected living room. Dane's body was tense as he stared down at the table top, his chest rising and falling in exaggerated motions. I gulped.

"Yeah, nice to see you too." I mumbled to Caleb.

"Guys this is Stella." Caleb announced to the boys. "Stella, this is – "

"I know who they are." I interrupted, not taking my eyes off of Dane. A flurry of emotion billowed inside of me, rising up my throat. He wouldn't even look at me. He appeared so angry when I hadn't even seen him in months and with no possible way of doing anything wrong that could affect him this way. I had five pairs of scrutinizing eyes on me, all but the one that actually mattered. The bubble of emotion climbed higher, threatening to escape. I swallowed it down, but it only made things worse. I could feel tears creeping slowly, rising to the surface with every passing, silent moment. Silence, the one thing I hated, that made me anxious, and Dane was the source of it.

"Um, why don't you have a seat?" Caleb gestured toward two empty chairs at the table.

"That's alright. It looks like a bad time, I'll go." I turned for the door.

"Stella, wait." Dane muttered through gritted teeth. It sounded so much like an order, as if he were demanding me to stay. I wasn't about to take that, not from him. I shook my head in disbelief of the entire situation and walked out.

I heard the chair screech against the linoleum floor of the kitchen and the heavy footsteps to the door as I walked to my car. Dane swung the door open and stood in the doorway. I stood by my car, staring at him and the complete asshole he'd become. I realized I didn't know him, that the Dane I knew no longer existed. It's funny how death doesn't always have to be literal, that people die all the time while still living. I witnessed it firsthand. I grieved the loss of my best friend a year ago, the man standing in that doorway was a complete stranger I didn't care for. I turned to my car, sticking the key in the lock and turning it.

"Stella, just wait a minute." Dane called as he walked over to me. I looked up at him and noticed the boys all huddled by the open door.

"What for? You couldn't even say hello to me, and now you want me to wait? I'm done waiting around for you, Dane."

"I'm sorry. Something's just going on right now, okay. Please, just stay and hang out with me."

"Something's always going on with you. And I'm not sure I want to stay if 'you' implies all of them." I pointed to his groupies in the doorway.

Dane's breathing quickened and he kept clenching and unclenching his fists. He was getting impatient. He looked up at the trees, nostrils flared as he licked his lips and gulped.

"Who's Tyler, Stella?" He shot a glance at me so hard I swear heat radiated from it.

"What? I never told you about Tyler."

"Who is he?" He questioned me again. He was sounding like some over-protective boyfriend who doesn't allow their girlfriend to be in the same vicinity as another guy.

"Not that it's any of your business, but he's a friend of mine."

"Really? How do you know him?" He asked, his jaw clenched and one of his eyebrows raised.

"From school. What's with the third degree?"

"Look, I'm just worried about you okay. This guy, he's not safe for you to be alone with."

"You don't even know him!"

"I know him better than you think you do."

"I don't know what you're talking about, but stay out of my personal life." I turned around and opened my car door angered by the audacity of whatever it was he was trying to accuse me of.

"I am your personal life." Dane yelled. I slammed my door shut and faced him again.

"No. You _were_ my personal life. I don't know what you are now."

"We're seriously still hung up over this?" He huffed. "You don't like my friends, so now I'm out of your life?" I shook my head infinitesimally, my breath coming in quick huffs.

"You took yourself out of my life. Did you forget all of the times I tried to get a hold of you this past year? Do you remember all of the times you willingly ignored me?"

"I didn't want you to come out here to argue with you. I just want to make sure you're safe. It's all I've ever wanted." He said calmly, his eyes warm now.

"Well, you have nothing to worry about because I'm fine." I assured.

"No, you're not. Stella, you don't know this guy. He's bad news okay, just please stay away from him."

"He's a nice guy. I wouldn't get involved with someone I thought was dangerous. He makes me feel safe."

"That's just a part of the scheme, Stel. He gets you to trust him, you fall for it and then – just please, for me, please steer clear of him."

"I can't promise you that.. I'm sorry. How did you even know about him?"

"Len saw you together earlier today at Peck Meadow. You want me to believe you're safe, yet you went to the middle of nowhere alone with a complete stranger."

I studied him as he spoke, then looked past him at Len who cowered behind the doorway. The rustling in the trees, the twigs snapping...it was Len. It began to make sense now, how Tyler was so calm about venturing into the trees where I believed a mysterious predator lurked, waiting for us. He must have seen Len and knew it was safe.

Dane had been shady for a while now, and I knew he was capable of some pretty crazy things, especially after joining The Guardians, but to send one of his posse to spy on me was something I never fathomed he'd do.

"What was Len doing all the way at Peck?" I asked.

"That's completely irrelevant." Dane said, his head lolling to the left. He glanced down at me and sighed. "He went for a run, okay?"

"And he had to come back to report to you that I was with someone in the meadow? Do you have people spying on me at school too?"

"I don't have people spying on you, don't be ridiculous. He just happened to be in the area."

"Right." I said, not believing a word of this. I recalled the conversation I overheard, of Len reporting what he saw and Dane being disturbed by the news. _'out of all the towns, out of all the girls, why her?'_, he said.

"How do you know Tyler?" I asked again.

"It doesn't matter. What's important is that I know he's bad news and you should keep your distance from him."

"Answer the question, Dane. If you want me to stay away from him then give me a good reason and I will."

"Damn it, Stella." He grunted under his breath. Dane dug his toe in the dirt, then looked back at his friends who were still in the doorway.

"You can't tell me..." I whispered.

"No." He sighed.

"I'm not surprised. There's a lot you can't tell me these days."

I opened the door to my car for the second time and sat inside. I expected Dane to hold the door or call my name or do something to stop me from leaving, but he didn't. I bit down on my bottom lip, accepting that this was just the way things are now, that Dane will never be an integral part of my life again.

As I backed out and turned into the road, I stopped and watched Dane slowly walk backwards to the company and the life he chose. He didn't take his eyes off of me, but his position at that moment confirmed his decision. I nodded and drove off. When I reached the end of the dirt road I could hear six engines being revved, one after the other then zipping off in unison. I decided to turn in the opposite direction of home, opting to take the long route. Driving was calming for me, although this time I wasn't so sure it would make me feel any less crappy.

When I got home all I wanted was to be alone, to shove headphones in my ears and blast my iPod so loud it hurts. I needed to stop thinking, to not overanalyze the situation and then forget about it. I had known, even before going to see Dane, that things wouldn't be as they were before. But when I pulled into that dirt road, a part of me began to hope that he would burst out the door and give me a great, big hug like he used to and that everything would be back to normal. Seeing him choose them was like losing him all over again, and losing your best friend really sucks. But, I moved on from it once and I'll do it again, that's just life.

When I opened the front door I was met with a flurry of cheering, barking and laughing, along with the TV blaring in volume with a sports announcer saying that Zack had scored the winning touchdown for Acadia. Then it was rewound and replayed, with more cheering and whooping. It smelled like beer, sweat and overpowering fruity perfume that gave me a headache. I cautiously stepped downstairs, unsure what kind of scene I'd be entering into.

Zack and a good chunk of his football team, plus cheerleaders and a bunch of his friends were here, Corona's in hand and party mix scattered everywhere. I'd completely forgotten tonight was the important game against a rival school that Zack and his team have been hyping up since the beginning of the season. I don't know where my mind has been lately, I'm surprised I still remember my own name.

"Stella!" A voice hooted as I turned and walked up a step.

"Yo, Stella!" Oh right, that's me. I hopped down the last steps and found the person the voice belonged to.

"Bryce, hi." I said, smiling at Bryce, a running back on Zack's team who is practically family since he's here so much. He looks freakishly like Zack, too. They could be twins. They also have the same appetite. Whenever Zack walks through the door with Bryce, we know the content of our fridge will be emptied. At least we don't have to worry about throwing out expired cheese and such, since it never has time to even begin to near the expiration date.

Bryce wrapped his arm around my shoulders, locking me into his side.

"Aren't you going to congratulate us? Your big bro just made us champs!" He yelled, hooting to get everyone's attention, to which they responded with more shouting and hollering. I was in no mood to celebrate and I thought my eye roll made that abundantly clear, but I guess not.

"Yeah, congratulations. That's really great, I'm happy for you!" I tried to sound enthused and I really was happy for Zack, but this just seemed so insignificant to me at the moment, even though this could quite possibly be the greatest day of the year for Zack and his team.

I spotted Lindsey in the middle of all this hoopla, surrounded by college guys. She was loving every second of it. I envied her. She's so easy going and happy go lucky, even when something bad happens to her she just moves on without a second thought. I wish I had that, that I didn't dwell on stupid things and overanalyze every second of my life. I wish I could just live it like she does.

"Stella?"

I keep replaying Dane's voice in my head, reliving our argument and wondering what I could've done to turn it around, to salvage whatever we had left that was good, that was like the old us. Maybe if I just agreed to his request, even if I didn't intend on following through, if I just made him happy then maybe we could be hanging out right now, laughing over a plate of overcooked fries.

"Stella?"

His voice is so crisp and clear in my mind. Its new, raspy and manly tone is so vivid.

"DANE!" Lindsey broke through the college guys and b-lined it in my direction. I looked at her as if she were insane, until she ran past me and threw herself on to Dane.

"Dane?" I couldn't believe he was here, right behind me. I was frozen. I didn't know what to think or what to say. I looked up the stairs, expecting to see Caleb and the rest of the guys standing in my foyer, but they weren't there.

"I was calling your name, didn't you hear me?" He asked as he pried Lindsey away.

"Um – "

"Oh my God, Dane you're huge! Wow!" Lindsey squeezed Dane's bicep.

"Yeah, thanks. It's good to see you, Linds. Do you mind if I talk to your sister for a minute?" He asked her.

"Sure, I've got some people waiting for me anyway." She said as she sauntered back into the rowdy bunch of football players who were now coddling some cheerleaders.

"This is quite the party..." Dane muttered awkwardly, sliding his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants, the same ones he was wearing in Tim Horton's when I ran into him a couple of months ago. I smiled meekly and nodded.

"Dane, my man, where've you been?" Zack stepped in between us, extending a hand to Dane.

"I've been around. I heard about the big win, congratulations."

"Thanks. Dude, you been working out? What's your regimen?"

Zack wrapped his arm around Dane's shoulders and pulled him into the crowd, shoving a red cup in his hand as they talked about workouts. Dane shot an apologetic glance at me as I walked up the stairs, to which I shrugged and made my way to my room. I couldn't be angry that everyone was so happy to see him after so long. They all had a lot of catching up to do, and I had some sulking and thinking to do.

I could hear the boom boom boom-ing of music being blasted downstairs as I lay sprawled out across my bed, iPod in hand. I scrolled through my collection of music, searching for the perfect sound to drown out all of the noise. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted yet, so I put the player on shuffle and surfed through songs until _finally_ something came through that was utter perfection in my current situation. Heaven knows I'm miserable now; ditto. The Smiths sure got it right. The lyrics replaced every thought floating through my mind and I blissfully listened.

A contradictory song came on next, one Derek had added to my iTunes when we were dating, bringing me out of my relaxed state and back into my confused, angered mood of before. We belong together, Gavin DeGraw? Really? We've all been spoken for? Puh-lease. I speak for myself. This song annoyed me to the core. It's like one of those cheesy, romance-y songs newlyweds have their first dance to because they think they're matches made in heaven and will be together forever, meanwhile divorce rates are higher than ever and with the life expectancy as high as it is, it's unrealistic to believe that two people will be with each other and no one else in the next sixty or seventy years. Humans are selfish and greedy creatures, to make a promise such as marriage at a young age is ridiculous. If I ever marry, it'll be when I'm old and wrinkly. If the guy I end up with down the road will take me when I look like a hag then I'll know it's really love.

Jessica's voice popped into my head then, reminding me of my bitterness. Maybe I should be a little more open minded but whatever, I'm feeling bitter; sue me. But, I digress. I switched back The Smiths, put it on repeat and forgot about the rubbish that interrupted my serenity.

I was just getting into it when a pair of large, warm hands wrapped themselves around my shoulders and shook me. My heart rate increased dramatically as I jumped out of bed, ready to jump out of the window if need be.

"Jesus Christ! What is the matter with you?" I shouted, my hand clenched over my pounding heart when I saw Dane on the other side of the bed with a devious little grin on his face, flashing his perfect, pearly whites at me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He chuckled.

"Yeah, well you did."

"So, I make you miserable?" He asked.

"What?"

"The Smiths." He nodded to my iPod on my bed, face up towards him.

"You don't make me miserable, you just frustrate me. Why are you even here?"

"I wanted to talk to you. I hated the way things ended earlier."

"So, you're here to apologize?"

"No. I'm not sorry for trying to protect you."

I sighed, not wanting to argue with him twice in one day.

"If you're here to tell me to stay away from Tyler, I don't want to hear it."

"Forget about him for a minute. Even though you really should stay away from him, I'm not here because of that. I'm here because of us." He stepped around the bed slowly to meet me by the window.

"What about us?"

"I've really missed you, Stel. You don't know how much I wanted to see you, to tell you everything that was going on; how much I needed you..." He stared at our feet, his brows furrowed.

"Why didn't you come to me, then? You knew I was here for you."

"I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to."

"Does it have anything to do with what your Dad said to you the night he, you know..."

"Yes."

"What did he say?" I asked, hopeful that he would tell me everything, that I would understand and that this thing, whatever it is, wouldn't be a problem anymore.

"I wish – I _want_ to tell you. I would, but it isn't just about me."

"Let me guess... it's about Caleb and Chaske and all of the others?"

"Stella, please understand. If I could I would've told you as soon as it was happening but I couldn't. It's so much bigger than you or me or the guys. The world is a dangerous place."

All I was hearing was a lot of could have, would have, should have and a bunch of nonsense in between.

"I don't know what you're trying to say." I said, my frustration growing. This conversation was doing little to fix things.

Dane looked past me and out the window, his head ducking from side to side subtly. I turned to see what he was seeing but saw nothing. His eyes widened, his head rose and his fists clenched.

"I have to go. I'll call you." He jumped over my bed and ran out of my room without an explanation. Typical. He was one big mystery that would never become clear, because he wouldn't allow it to.

I stared out of my window quizzically, wondering what it was that Dane saw to make him leave so quickly. The trees swayed together in unison, the leaves shushing against each other. The sound was kind of nice through my open window, but it wasn't enough. It looked too inviting to simply gaze at from afar. I wondered what the leaves would sound like in the centre of it, where modern sounds don't exist, not even music. Just the rustling of crisp leaves shaking in the wind.

As much as I wanted to take a walk in there, I wasn't that stupid to go alone. Especially after the false alarm today, I'm not risking venturing into the woods at night. That's just asking from death to come knocking on your door. Still, I bet it would be pretty spectacular in there. The yelping and squeals being emitted from downstairs were wearing on my patience.

I plopped down on my bed, with Twilight staring me in the face. I might as well continue with it.


	8. All I Want

**7. All I Want**

The rest of the weekend was rather uneventful, which was kind of surprising considering how jam-packed with drama my Friday was. I bummed out completely on Saturday and Sunday. All of that action stuffed into one day tired me out. I'm so used to being in the peace and quiet of my own company, with the occasional visit from Jessica or Lindsey. Having a raging party beneath me and a plethora of issues going on involving me was enough to tucker me out for the next few days. But, it gave me just enough time to finish Twilight.

I cracked the book open Friday night, although I knew I wouldn't get much reading done with all of the noise. But, once my eyes found the words on the page nothing else existed. The party was plucked from my knowledge, the noise wiped clean and the drama pushed away to the far corners of my mind as I read.

I stayed in my room, sitting in the middle of my bed with that book and my iPod playing Claire de Lune for the entire weekend. It sounds crazy to isolate myself like that intentionally. If I heard of someone doing this four days ago I would've thought they were depressed, even psychologically disturbed. It's human nature to be social, it's instinct to nourish oneself and yet, I did neither for forty-eight hours. And I loved it.

All of the feelings I had when I read the first half of the book came creeping back. I could smell Tyler's cologne again, which I assumed was simply the memory of his scent. It made me forget about Dane for a little while. I felt safe within those pages, like home. The emotions they conjured and deepened page after page, as I got further into the story and closer to the end were so strange. Some were emotions I'd never felt before, like love and loss. I felt this immense need and a tightness in my gut that demanded the presence of my love, which was crazy to me since I've never been in love before. I've always loved books for the emotions they can make the reader feel, even if they've never been in a situation that the main character is in, but it's never been this deep for me. It's never felt this _real_. Reading Twilight to feel the love and the need became an addiction. It was like chasing a ghost, reading to feel something that wasn't there. The more I read the closer it seemed, only to fall short of reaching it and realize none of it was actually real.

I finished Twilight late Saturday night, which I guess would technically be Sunday morning. I dreamt vividly about the meadow again, along with other things that strangely weren't in the books, but that involved Forks and Edward and I. Tyler was Edward in the dream, which I didn't even acknowledge until I woke up. When I saw him in the dream I just knew he was Edward, him being Tyler didn't register in my mind, he was just Edward. There was one dream in particular that stuck with me, a short one that I'm surprised I even remembered it. Edward and I were sitting in the meadow on a separate occasion from when he showed me his skin in the sun. I asked him what it was like to be a vampire and he was describing how difficult it was to be what he is, especially with me.

"Animals are remarkably lucky. They don't have a conscience, they don't have free thought. Their entire lives are based on instinct. Vampires have the worst of both worlds; the instinct of an animal and the conscious thought of a human. It is a never ending battle. Before you, it was easy to separate the two, to be human around humans and an animal in the wild. But with you, both halves are at war. A war I cannot lose."

I woke up immediately after this, his words still clear in my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how the way he spoke was very similar to Tyler's way with words.

I racked my brain for any information I may have retained during psychology 101 last year, specifically information on dream symbolism. Tyler was always Edward in my dreams, and other than the fact that he's been on my mind lately and gets me weak at the knees, I don't know why he's Edward. It would make more sense for Robert Pattinson to be Edward, right? That's what any normal twi-hard would dream, not that I'd ever even remotely refer to myself as a twi-hard. The day I become a twi-hard will be the day I lose all hope for modern media.

Maybe it's because I've been living by the phone all weekend in anticipation for his call, my heart stopping every time it rang with the assumption that it would be Tyler's voice on the other end. He said he'd call, he wouldn't have asked for my number if he didn't intend on calling. But, Saturday turned into Sunday and Sunday into Monday and he still hasn't called. Maybe he changed his mind about me, or realized a girl like Jessica was more his type.

All morning I wondered what it was about me that would make him want to avoid me. I prodded through aspects of my personality; maybe I am too bitter, too cynical, too boring, not risky enough, introverted and just plain weird. Maybe I talked too much, revealed too much of myself when I've only known him for a couple of days.

When I stood in front of the mirror to get ready for school, brushing through my long strands of dark brown hair, fiddling with my side bangs that never seemed to want to cooperate, I wondered if he was more into blondes, in which case Jessica would definitely fit the bill. I neared closer to the mirror, studying my face. So my complexion wasn't necessarily flawless, that could be fixed with makeup. Did he think I wore too much? My ordinary brown eyes, big and round with spider long lashes were kind of ordinary from afar. I always liked my eyes, but maybe he's looking for something more exotic. I ran a finger across my bottom lip, then my thumb across the top. My top lip was slightly fuller than my bottom lip, neither really differing in size. They weren't your average lips, I guess, but I kind of liked them. But now that I take a closer look maybe they were just overpowering my face, throwing things off. I stepped back, analyzing myself in the full length mirror of the shower door in the bathroom. So, I wasn't stick thin and runway model material and yeah, I have thighs and a butt, I've got a pretty average body; that isn't a bad thing, is it? Maybe this extraordinary guy was searching for an extraordinary girl and just didn't find her in me.

I left the mirror and perused my closet for some kind of an outfit. As I titled my head at a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, I began to think about what this was doing to me. I've never felt so insecure in my life. In fact, I've always been pretty darn confidant. What is it about this guy that is making me go crazy over a stupid phone call that didn't happen? It's not like he's the first to not call me, but it's never affected me this way before. I've always just shrugged it off and moved on, but I couldn't this time. Could I feel so strongly so quickly for someone I don't know? Is that why it's bothering me so much, because I feel like it's meant to be? Maybe it wasn't me after all. Maybe it was him.

All of the excuses I'd come up with as to why Tyler would avoid contacting me ran through my mind as I drove to school. I just didn't get it. I thought we had such an amazing time. He's just one big sac of mystery, a mystery I was getting tired of trying to solve. Playing hard to get is an okay measure to catch the fish, but once you've got it that whole charade is unnecessary. What was his deal?

I took my usual spot in the parking lot back in the boonies and stomped my way to campus as my thoughts conflicted. A part of me didn't even want to see him, and just dared him to speak to me. Oh, I hoped he would, just so I could ignore him just like he had me, make him go nuts trying to get my attention. But the other half of me wanted to confront him, to know in all honesty why he hadn't bothered to contact me. Then, the sane and rational voice in my head that was rather meek offered the assumption that perhaps he was busy or had forgotten. He is human after all, and I knew all too well about being forgetful, especially lately. But, the other voices in my head trampled over the sanity I had left, and I eventually concluded to confront him in a calm, efficient manner. Oh, but, one sign of a cheese-ass lie and all hell will break loose.

I spotted Jessica by the student centre with Sandy and three other people, all huddled around a thick stack of paper. There were some sighs, gasps and faint squeals emitting from the group as I neared closer. I coughed not-so-subtly to let my presence be known. Jessica turned, muttering an 'oh shit' and flopping the stack around, shoving it in her backpack.

"Uh hey Stella, what uh, what are you doing here so um early?" She stuttered. I checked my phone, which informed me that it was 11:08 AM, which was actually eight minutes later than when I usually arrive.

"It's not early. What's going on?" I scanned the unknown faces, two girls and, shockingly, one nerd-cute guy stared back at me with guilty faces.

"Oh not much, just Twilight stuff." Jess said as she swayed from side to side like a three year old trying to hide a half-eaten cookie before dinner.

"Jessica, I'm not an idiot. What's with the wad of paper you stashed in your bag?" I asked.

"Oh _that_! It's..." She stepped over to me, cupping her hands around my ear. "It's a copy of Midnight Sun." She whispered.

She backed away, taking her place among her new friends. They all kept staring at me, breaths held as they waited for me to respond. Big deal, they had a copy of that book that got leaked. Did they expect me to alert the book police? Quick! Unauthorized paperback alert! Call in the SWAT team, this is serious folks! Hand over the book carefully and nobody gets their library cards snipped.

"Okay." I shrugged. Everyone let out quiet snickers and chuckles as if I had a banana in one hand, scratching my head with the other while uttering the words 'me Stella, me no brain'.

"Stel, it's the leaked, unfinished copy of Twilight from Edward's perspective! You read the first book, how are you not excited about this? It's Edward's point of view! Edward!" She repeated 'Edward' over and over, as if that would switch the enthusiasm on and make me jump up and down with excitement.

"I know what it is. I just don't know why you're all acting all sneaky about it." I admitted.

"The version available from Stephenie Meyer's website is unprintable. Greg played around with some computer geek stuff and got it to print. This is pretty much illegal." Jessica said, pointing to the only guy in the group. It's a shame, he would be so cute if he wasn't so...twi-hardy.

"Right..." I sighed, feeling like an alien among these people. "Why are you reading that, anyway? Isn't that considered some kind of sin? Lindsey wouldn't be caught dead reading that."

"Oh, what-ever!" One girl with short blonde hair, which I assumed was an attempt at the Alice haircut, said, enunciating 'whatever' as two distinct words. She reminded me of a character from Clueless, the horrible television show rendition of the movie. She continued, "It's on the website for a reason. If she didn't want people reading it she would have never posted it." She finished with an eye roll and an attempt at flipping her hair back with her hand, only to swat through dead air were her once probably gorgeous long hair used to be. What a shame.

"Oh, is this the twi-hater you were telling us about?" The girl next to the Alice wannabe said to Jessica and Sandy. She had light brown, curly hair that sat atop her head like a mop. She didn't seem too bright. I looked at Jessica with a bemused smile and huffed.

"No, she's converted. She read the first book already!" Jessica said to the one with the curly hair. She then looked at me and nodded, like she just defended my honour or something.

"Converted? Did I just become a part of a religion?" I joked. Apparently it wasn't very funny, since they all gave me a death glare. "Alright then, I'll leave you guys to your illegal reading." I shook my head and walked to class alone for the second time.

I hesitantly walked into class with tense shoulders, anticipating Tyler's face in the top row by Mike. When I saw Mike sitting there alone I sighed and relaxed. It'd be better this way, let him come to me. The other way around would make me seem too aggressive, I justified. I didn't want to scare him off, I just wanted to prove a point and get some answers.

Mike nodded at me when he saw me coming up the steps to our seats. He saved only one for me, assuming Jessica would be sitting with Sandy and her new friends. He was right about that, since two minutes after I sat down Jessica came in with Sandy, Alice wannabe, ditz and Greg and took their seats together in the third row. I looked at Mike to my right and shrugged. Mike, being the theatrical clown he is, pulled his face into a frown and pinched his fingers to his forehead.

"We did everything we could but...we lost her." He fake sobbed. My lips erupted into a big smile as he kept up the act, making me laugh even harder. People began to turn around in their seats and gave us some interesting looks. I patted Mike on the back and decided to play along.

"It happens to the best of them." I said, shaking my head in sorrow. Mike let out a deep breath and sat up, signalling the end of the show.

"Yeah, tell me about it. I hear you crossed over." He made a point to look at me, his right eyebrow raised. News really does travel fast. Even miniscule, pointless news like me reading a book.

"Why is this breaking news? Who cares if I read Twilight?" I shot him a look right back, but was interrupted when I heard someone scuffle into class.

Assuming it was Tyler, I popped my head up above everyone else's to meet his eyes at the door, only to find it was only the professor, Dr. Habivov. He had this lazy stride that you could hear miles away. He always looked so sad for a guy who's supposed to pass on some intellectual wisdom and inspire us. With his barely there wire rimmed glasses, tan suit, cream coloured button up shirt and brown tie, he came off as very bland and boring. But when the man opened his mouth to speak, boy could he pluck some strings and get the intellectual juices flowing!

"It's just funny, that's all. The one girl in the universe who swore she wouldn't get sucked into the craze finally gave in."

"I am not giving in to the craze. I'm just curious. I can't go on hating something I know nothing about. It's purely for research purposes, nothing more." I explained, clarifying my reasons for picking up that darn book in the first place.

"So, you don't like it then?" He asked, almost hopeful in is question.

I wondered what would happen if I said yes, if I confessed to loving the story and the things it made me feel. I wondered if he would drop me as his friend. Maybe it would start small, like he'd stop saving me a seat in the back row. Then maybe he would stop greeting me with 'Stella ella ella eh eh eh'. It'd all be downhill from there.

If I said no, I'd be lying. Because in all honesty, I did like it. Maybe not to the extent some fans have, I'm not infatuated with some fictional character and I'm not claiming the author to be a literary genius, which means I've still got some of my sanity, right? That's got to mean something. But what if it doesn't? What if I lose Mike just like I've seemed to lose Jessica? Is it really worth it? My opinions and what I feel about Twilight and anything else are my own, I don't have to share every detail of my mind. Some things are personal, in fact there is so much of myself that I never share with anyone. Maybe this was just one of those things better left unsaid.

"I don't know. It's not complete garbage, but I wouldn't go around singing its praises either." I answered, trying to sugar coat the lie as much as I could. It still made me feel crummy, no matter how much I reminded myself this wasn't even really a lie. Mike smiled and put his arm around me, shaking me in his embrace before letting me go.

"Glad to see you weren't entirely abducted Stella ella oh la."

"Oh, another nickname?" I laughed.

"Your parents just made it way too easy for me, man. Way too easy."

Mike and I pulled out our laptops to get ready for the lecture, playing solitaire as we waited. Habivov cleared his throat, which must have been congested with phlegm judging by the sound of it. Mike and I looked at each other and stuck our tongues out in disgust. Habivov then licked his lips and smacked his tongue off of his palette before announcing the topic of today's lecture.

"Good morning everyone, I trust your weekends were well, I know mine was! I apologize for my absence last week, my car wouldn't start. It seems a fuse was disconnected in the engine. A hefty mechanic bill later, just to find out something was simply unplugged." He placed a hand on his stomach and laughed before continuing. "Consequentially, we will be discussing Thursday's topic today. Today's topic will be removed from the syllabus for the time being. Thursday we were to discuss mortality in general, what does being human mean? What makes us what we are? Why are we here? Now, a quick answer to those questions can be found in the institution of religion. It's easy to say that God is the reason for our existence, you could even quote the bible. But today I want you to step out of the box, outside of what religion tells us and tell me why you think humans are on Earth. Let's begin discussion."

Many raised their hands, saying we're animals just like any other and are here to make the delicate system that is the environment work. Others said we all have a specific purpose we have to fulfil within our lifetime. Then there were those who believed there wasn't a reason for us to be here, we just are, just organisms existing like any other.

I didn't give the question any thought, I was too busy watching the door for Tyler. Why wasn't he here? He said he'd be here, we specifically said we'd see each other in class on Monday. Well, it's Monday and he's not here. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he said he'd call too but that obviously didn't happen. This just goes to prove I can't rely on him. He didn't seem like the type of guy to blow a girl off, he seemed like such a gentleman.

"Uh, Ms. Swift?" Habivov said. Mike elbowed me. Of course, he called on me to answer his question. I pay attention every single day without getting called upon, and the one day I'm off in my own world I get called on. I could feel sweat begin to form on my forehead, slowly sliding downward, my pulse pounding at my temples. I didn't know the answer, which made me even more nervous. I always thought things over before I said them, being unprepared like this was nauseating.

"Um..." I began, trying to find some kind of answer for such a broad question. I searched the floor as I tried to formulate a response. There isn't even a right answer for that, I could say anything. The trouble with that is, it could either work for me or work against me. When I looked up my heart stopped. Tyler slipped into class, taking an empty seat near the front. This moment couldn't get any worse. I knew I had to say something and quick, so I just started talking.

"Well, I don't know, I guess I think we just are, if the question is specific to the concept of being alive, existing as human beings on Earth. In that sense, humans are just like, I don't know, grass or something. It grows and it becomes a part of the Earth, it's just there. Then you have trees and animals that live in trees and all that, they just do." I rambled, bull-shitting my way through this, things coming to me as I went along. "And, then there's the food chain, you know, and you've got the bottom and you've got the top, and humans are at the top because we're more intelligent and have more efficient ways of catching our prey, uh, and um while other predators are more dangerous in the wild, humans are the worst because of our intelligence. Then we have things like hunting and stuff that take out larger predators that essentially are the only ones that can really take out humans, which in turn keeps the predator population under control and then keeps everything in, uh, in check. Yeah..."

My mouth was dry and my throat hurt, I felt like I just talked about nothing for hours. I probably made a complete idiot of myself. I mean, I pretty much compared people to grass.

"That's very interesting, Ms. Swift, to say humans exist to keep the Earth and its organisms in balance. You're thinking outside of the box. Very good!" Habivov said, nodding before moving on with the lecture. I couldn't believe all that crap actually worked. I guess that's the beauty of a philosophy class, anything goes. Habivov's comment reminded me of Tyler, how he wanted me to think outside of the box about my feelings towards him. I wondered what he was thinking up at the front, if he considered my answer to be outside of the box.

I stared him down, wanting him to turn around and look at me. I knew it was a lost cause but I kept burning a hole into the back of his head, willing him to turn his head, even just a little bit. I gave up with a sigh and looked back at my screen to type some notes when I noticed I had an instant message flashing on the task bar. I opened it, it was from Tyler.

**tylEr says:**

Stella, I'm sorry I didn't call you this weekend. Things came up and I wasn't able to. I hope you don't think I was trying to avoid you. I would never avoid you.

I stared at the message, scrutinizing every letter trying to figure out what to make of it and what the right thing to say would be. I looked up at Tyler, watching his fingers feverishly typing into the conversation box. Then he stopped, his fingers hovering over the keyboard before pressing the backspace button and deleting it all. He typed again, this time it was quick. The conversation box flashed orange.

**tylEr says:**

Stella?

***Stella says:**

Yeah. It's okay, I understand you were busy. I'll admit I kind of did think you were avoiding me... I guess I just really wanted to talk to you, maybe even see you again.

I pressed enter before reading my message over, regretting revealing as much to him. This was too much too fast, it could scare him off. It's even scaring me a little bit. Tyler's fingers began to type, then hovered over his keyboard, hesitating with his answer. He did some backspacing and retyping, then sent his message.

**tylEr says:**

I am terribly sorry. I wanted to see you again this weekend very much. I can't stop thinking about you. Will you meet me later? Peck Meadow.

Tyler looked back at me, smiled, closed the lid of his laptop and left. He just got right up in the middle of the lecture and walked out the door . He was barely here for any of it, it made me wonder why he'd come at all if he wasn't planning on staying. Did he come for me? I stared at our conversation box, narrowing in on the tag at the top that said 'tylEr appears to be offline'. It tugged at my heart strings a little to see that. But, I reminded myself I'd be seeing him soon, right after this class is over. He didn't even give me a chance to respond. What if I was busy? I actually have a class after this today, what made him assume I would just skip it for him? I never skip a class, not even if I'm suffering from a practically life threatening illness. But he made me excited to do it. It was like an adrenaline rush, knowing I was going to be a rebel for him. A little daydream went off in my mind, of a little girl meeting a little boy secretly behind a shed. That's what this felt like; a secret and forbidden meeting. My foot tapped in anticipation.

The hands stopped raising and Habivov continued with the next half of the lecture, which I was barely paying attention to as it was.

"Now that we've explored the concept of life, let's flip the switch and discuss death. The death of someone can mean many different things. In the literal sense, it is when the body is physically and permanently dead, the termination of life. But, in a more spiritual sense it could mean the death of a person in mind. For example, when one is depressed, their former selves could be perceived as dead. The same goes if one's personality changes drastically. Or say, when you consider someone to be dead to you, although they are very much still alive. Death can be many different things. While one can, in theory, come back from death of the mind, death of the body is another story. The question I pose to you is, can one survive their own bodily death?"

My attention was caught when he asked the class the question about surviving bodily death. Obviously, it's scientifically and physically impossible. You can't come back from the dead. Once your body shuts down, it's over. But death of the mind was something I knew too well. I wrapped my arms around myself in attempt to calm the twinge in the pit of my stomach as I was reminded of Dane. I prayed I wouldn't be called on, because it would be too painful to rehash everything about Dane. Maybe I was just afraid that saying it out loud would confirm the reality of it.

People seemed to stray from death of the mind, focusing more on death of the body and spirituality. It was kind of dull, it's the stuff you hear all the time, that people still live in spirit or even come back from the dead somehow. Many students gave answers like that, like a freshman in the front row who claimed that when our physical bodies die, our spirits leave the body and move on to another, therefore surviving bodily death by entering another life. I shrugged, not really enthralled by the topic of discussion. My mind was very much elsewhere. But when I noticed a hand shoot up with red, black and white painted nails I couldn't help but pay a little extra attention, just out of curiosity.

Sandy waved her hand from side to side from the third row after much whispering and giggling with Jessica. She even muttered a little 'ooh ooh!' like a little kid trying to get the teacher's attention.

"Vampirism is a way of surviving bodily death." She said, as if stating a fact. Habivov nodded for her to continue. I huffed in response to her rationalization of surviving death. Figures she'd be inspired by Twilight. Too bad vampires don't exist and, although an answer here can't be right or wrong, it has to actually be possible. If she can throw out an answer like vampires, then surely I could have said we're alive because a group of woodland faeries wanted some giant friends to run and play with, so they sprinkled some dust on top of a bed of flowers and created human beings. Ridiculous, isn't it? Just like Sandy's answer, which was kind of pathetic because she actually believed it whole heartedly. She continued,

"When a human is turned into a vampire, their bodies are technically dead, but they're still alive. They're bodies evolve to that of a vampire's, which is basically a dead human body. It's kind of ironic though, I mean to beat death you have to be death and kill people to survive. It's a depressing existence really, makes me value mortality a bit more."

"Interesting theory, Ms.?" Habivov asked with one hand hovering in front of his chin, his fingers rubbing against his thumb.

"Geoffries."

"Yes, Ms. Geoffries. Vampirism is a very interesting answer indeed, very creative. Thank you for bringing it to our attention. Vampirism is certainly a valid explanation, and an interesting one at that. It was impeccable timing for your answer, Ms. Geoffries, because as this lecture comes to a close I would like to present the topic for next class, where we will continue to discuss mortality. In lieu of the recent increase of vampires in the media, we will be discussing vampirism in relation to mortality on Thursday. As you know, class will be cancelled tomorrow and Wednesday because I will be out of town. To prepare for next class, I'd ask that you read up on some history and vampire legends in the text and be ready for discussion on Thursday."

Students began to clear out quickly. Mike and I opted to stay in our seats instead of being caught in the herd of people trying to scuffle through one door. I was still mystified by the end of our lecture. How does everything somehow lead to vampires and Twilight? Is there one thing in this world not affected by it? It's even seeped into a university level discussion. I won't lie, vampirism is kind of interesting, but I would have appreciated the answer more if it came from someone who lived under a rock and knew nothing about Twilight. The only reason Sandy mentioned it was because of her love for the book series. To her, immortality comes in a nice, Edward Cullen wrapped package.

Mike sighed deeply. I turned to him and watched him slowly gather his things as he stared at Jessica talking to her new group of friends, but more specifically to Greg.

"I guess I lost my chance, huh?" He muttered.

"No, of course not. You should go talk to her." I said, trying to reassure him, although I didn't really disagree with him.

"Yeah right, unless I'm pale and sparkling she won't want anything to do with me. Look at her with that guy, she's all over him."

Jessica was definitely throwing herself all over Greg. The other girls were trying, but Jessica stole the cake.

"Is that? No. Not that muscle grab!" Mike placed a shamed hand over his face and shook his head. "Tell me she isn't giggling, please."

I looked up to see Jessica with her head thrown back, in full out giggle mode.

"Okay, she's not giggling."

"Ugh, shit. I blew it."

"Did you really like her?" I asked, kind of sceptical of his affections. For months, he always acted like a friend towards her. Now that there's competition, he's acting like he's really interested.

"Of course I do! I have for a really long time. I just... I don't know. I wanted it to be natural; be her friend get to know her really well and then take it to the next level. I've asked girls out at first glance so many times and it never gets anywhere, that whole getting to know you process is so annoying, and they're never just themselves. But with a friend it's so much easier to just be you, and I wanted it to be real with her. I should've just asked her out sooner." Mike hung his head low, lolling it from side to side. I felt so bad for him. He liked her so much and was doing everything right, until Jessica got all Twilight obsessed and ruined it. But, if I knew Jessica like I thought I did, she would be thrilled to know Mike felt that way about her. Not even Twilight could keep her from him.

"She still likes you. She told me so last week. You just need to tell her everything you just told me and she'll be yours. Trust me. She'll be thrilled to know how you feel."

"I don't know Stel bell, I'm kind of wounded right now." He shrugged and stood from his seat.

"Listen, Mike and Ike's, you need to waltz on over there, pull her away from that twi-dweeb and tell her how you feel. If it doesn't work then lunch is on me." I said, knowing he couldn't resist a wager. That and the fact that he really did want to talk to her. He kept staring at her, tugging his lip and digging his toe in the ground. He wanted to, he just needed a push.

"Was that a bet?" He asked, turning to look at me, his face lifting into a smile. "You're on."

And he was. He strolled down the row and to the steps like he owned the place, like he was _the_ man, not even Edward Cullen could compare to him. He stopped before stepping down and turned to me.

"Thanks." He winked, then hopped down the steps to Jessica.

Mike approached Jessica, pulling her away from Greg and the rest of the twi-hards. Greg shrugged and joined his groupies in Twilight love while Jessica and Mike had a fantastic conversation. Jessica didn't pull her usual stunts, she just smiled and reached for Mike's hand when he was finished telling her how he felt. It was natural, just like Mike had wanted. They both walked out of class together to what I assume is their first date. I was incredibly happy for them and giddy to see them finally together.

It didn't take long for my mind to go elsewhere once Mike and Jessica left. I gathered my things, threw my bag over my shoulder and left class as quickly as I could without causing a scene. I sped walk down Main Street towards the parking lot with a huge, goofy grin on my face. I couldn't wait to be with Tyler again, to see him and talk to him. It was like there was some energy latched to my body, pulling me faster. That longing and need I was feeling for him all weekend was finally being filled and it was the greatest feeling. I felt like an addict, needing my fill of him. The moment he walked into that classroom today, any insecurity I felt during the weekend disappeared.

I turned into the parking lot, kicking the layer of rain on the pavement as I walked and watched the splatters erupt from my toe, then disappear into the blackness of the pavement. I began to search for my keys in my backpack as I reached the row I was parked in, panicking when I couldn't find them and then sighing with relief when my fingers brushed the keys at the bottom of my bag. I looked to my car and stopped in my tracks. Dane's bike was parked behind my car with Dane casually leaning against my car with one hand lazily dangling off the handlebar of his bike. He stood up straight when he saw me and took a few steps towards me.

I couldn't believe it. My mind went completely blank at the sight of him. He has no reason to be here, and yet here he is showing up unexpectedly and uninvited. I didn't know whether to be happy to see him or angry that he showed up here. More than that, I was annoyed that he was going to waste time I didn't have. I just wanted to get out of here and drive to Peck Meadow, this unannounced visit was tugging down on my high as a kite mood.

"Hi, Stella." He said as he looked at me and then to the ground.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I was in town." He said casually.

"Right, okay and you just happened to coincidentally drive by my car in the parking lot? What are you really doing here?" I asked, my hand on my hip and my foot tapping in frustration. I did not have the time nor the energy for his games.

"In a hurry?" He asked, nodding at my tapping foot. I stopped and nodded.

"Just like everyone else who wants to go home. Stop changing the subject. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to apologize for leaving the way I did Friday night. I just remembered something and had to go." He stared down at the pavement during his so called apology. I knew he wasn't telling me the truth, I knew he saw something outside of my window that caused him to leave. The Guardians drive around in the forests all the time, I figured it was them calling on him like they always do. But I didn't have the time to stand here and confront him. I knew the only way to get him to leave is if I just accepted his apology and went on my way.

"Yeah, it's – Dane? What are you looking at?" Dane's attention was caught on the other end of the parking lot. He wasn't even listening to me. I turned and noticed a silver Volvo speed out of the parking lot. I felt a pinch in the pit of my stomach and just wanted to leave. Dane was at the side of his bike before I could say anything more, putting his helmet on.

"Dane? Where are you going?" I asked as he threw one leg over the bike and revved the engine.

"I'm sorry, something came up." He sped away from behind my car and towards the exit of the parking lot. So much for being sorry about the way he left Friday, he just did it again.

I watched him as he neared the parking lot exit and then speed down Main Street. I sighed with a heavy heart, knowing that I was giving up on him in that moment. I wouldn't be leaving this empty handed, I still had our memories that made me smile whenever I thought about them, the old chat logs that would remind me of the great friend I once had. It's just time to move on, sadly without him, gladly with someone else.

I tore my eyes from the exit of the parking lot and continued to the door of my car, that tug in my stomach returning when I reminded myself where I'd be going and who'd I'd be there with. I sat in my car, throwing my bag carelessly into the back seat when I heard my phone vibrating. I grunted, reaching in the back seat for my phone. Half of me was in the back, my legs threatening to go flying into my windshield as I dragged my bag closer, searching for my phone. I cursed at my unorganized tendencies. Finally, I found my phone in the side compartment and answered it just in time.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Stella, it's Tyler. I ran into a bit of a complication on the way to Peck Meadow. Do you mind meeting me at Tim Horton's in about twenty minutes instead?" Tyler said, sounding like he was in a hurry.

"Yeah, that's fine. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. I just have to take care of something quickly. I'll see you soon."

I could hear the engine of his car as he accelerated his speed. It worried me. I knew he was a fast driver, but something about the urgency of his acceleration made me feel a bit off.

"Wait, what's going on?"

"It's nothing really, just having a bit of a run in with an old friend."

I heard a pounding noise, then a muffled 'pull over'.

"Tyler, what was that?" I asked, my heart pounding harder at the idea of him being in trouble.

"Ah, I suppose I'm speeding. I have to take care of this. I'll meet you soon." He said before hanging up.

Something about the way he answered me just didn't feel right. He sounded rushed and nervous. I sat back in the driver's seat, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to sort this out. Everyone was acting strangely today. Maybe there was something in the air or the tap water, things just don't seem normal anymore. Complications have erupted in my life like zits on a teenage boy going through puberty. I wished I were meeting Tyler at the meadow instead. Being in a public place and having to be social just wasn't appealing to me right now. I wanted to be alone with him without distractions. Why is this so hard to accomplish? It dawned on me then, the perfect place to be alone, where no one would consider finding us, but where the safety of home was just through the trees. Why drive out to the middle of nowhere to be alone when serenity was right in your own backyard?

I called Tyler to let him know the meeting place has changed. I sat there impatiently waiting for his voice, only to be met with more ringing. I hung up, waited, and tried again. After three tries, he finally answered.

"Stella?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's me. Why weren't you picking up?"

"I'm sorry, I left my phone in the car. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to see if you'd mind meeting me somewhere else instead of Tim Horton's."

"Where do you suggest we meet?" He asked, the question almost playful. My breath hitched.

"Meet me at my house, go around the side to the back. I'll be waiting." I hung up there, not allowing him to say anything else. Butterflies flapped as I pulled out of the parking lot and sped home.

I felt this amazing rush, a surge of adrenaline as I drove, pushing my foot harder on the pedal. Everything about this, about Tyler, made me feel ways I never knew before. I loved the chase, the game he made me play, the mystery and intrigue he presented and the swoon worthy essence he gave off. I had him in my own turf now, and I couldn't wait.

* * *

**A/N:** The Title of the chapter was inspired by the song All I Want by Ahn Trio. It was on So You Think You Can Dance and I was listening to it non stop as I wrote this chapter. Also, I'm not sure if I mentioned it but chapter 5's title was from the song Steal My Heart Away by Van Morrison. As for the Philosophy class part, I've never taken a Philosophy class so I just kind of went with it, hopefully it's not too far off. There's also a poll on my profile page, I was considering making a Twitter account for my fanfiction profile to update within the week in between postings, with things like sneek peaks and what not and to see what you guys would like to happen. Anyway, if the demand is there then I'd be more than happy to do that, so if you're interested please vote! And finally, reviews are greatly appreciated. Have a good week!


	9. It's You

**8. It's You**

My parents' white van and Zack's black Nissan weren't in the driveway, which was expected. Still, I craned my neck a little further when I turned the corner in anticipation for one of them to be there when they shouldn't be. Zack wasn't foreign to skipping class. I was glad today was a day he decided to be where he was supposed to be. The house looked deserted, which made its raised ranch size appear so much bigger and hollow. The bay window in the front looked like a black hole.

I pulled into the usual spot by the curb in front of my house and ran across the lawn, scanning the street left and then right at the line of identical homes, each looking as deserted as mine as I reached the fence door. I unlocked it and left it wide open for Tyler.

Even the backyard seemed darker today. The whites of my shoes were being overpowered by unusually dark green stems of grass that hasn't been cut in a while. It was looking a bit patchy, growing higher in some places and lower in others. I walked towards the trees, where the lawn ends and the wilderness begins, staring into the darkness between the tree trunks. I found myself searching for something, for anything. Seeing nothing made me feel blind. Silence settled in, my breathing being the only thing I could hear. It was creeping me out, I needed a distraction. I took my iPod out of the pocket of my leather bomber jacket, stuck the buds in my ears and flicked on the shuffle. Claire de Lune began to play, filling my ears and the silence, pushing the fear away. It was pretty soothing. I even swayed a little from side to side, succumbing to the melody.

A cold touch skimmed my ear, tugging out the head phone from my right ear. I jumped and swivelled around, relieved to see Tyler and his crooked smiling face behind me. My hand was over my pounding heart, pressing down to calm it. Tyler coughed a little and took a few steps back. He looked like he smelled something not so pleasant. I breathed in deeper, expecting to be met with skunk aroma, but instead smelled nothing but the wet tree bark and grass. I shrugged it off.

"Hi." I smiled. "Thanks for meeting me here."

"Of course. Why are we here, exactly?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I just thought we could be alone instead of in a crowded coffee shop."

"Good thinking. So, the backyard, hm?" He said sceptically.

"Actually, I was thinking we could maybe take a stroll in there. I've always wondered what it was like in there, but I could never go alone." I said, pointing towards the trees.

"Oh, I see. So, I'm the decoy in case of some wild animal attack?" He laughed.

"Obviously. I wouldn't go risking my life out of curiosity." I joked.

"Oh of course not, just mine." He shook his head, his smile widening.

"You read me so well." I chuckled. His smile faded and he lowered his head slightly.

"On the contrary, you're not easy to read at all." He sighed. My head twitched back as he said it, remembering he'd said something along the lines of not being able to read me before. Was he serious? He seemed to always be right on the money with me. He even understood my sense of humour.

"I disagree." I said bluntly. He huffed out a smile.

"I'm just good at taking educated guesses, Stella. There is a lot about you that is a complete mystery to me." Whoa, talk about irony. Here I was, pinning him as the man of mystery and he thinks _I'm_ the mysterious one? Interesting. It was sort of empowering, I've never considered myself as the mysterious woman sipping a cocktail at a bar alone type, but I guess he did.

"That's funny. You're very mysterious to me too." I admitted.

"Well, hopefully after today some of the mystery will be unfolded for the both of us. Shall we?" He extended an arm out to the trees. I looked at the woods hesitantly. I wanted to go in, to walk around and leave the rest of the world behind, but reason was popping the bubbles of my fantasies and warning me of the dangers that could erupt if I went into a dark forest. Sure, our little joke about bringing Tyler along to be the decoy was just all fun and games, but in reality that could very much be the case, or worse, I'd be the decoy. Perhaps I hadn't thought this through as much as I should have. Acting impulsively is never a good idea, I always knew that, hence my lack of risk taking.

"I'll keep you safe." Tyler said as he placed a strand of hair behind my ear. I looked up at him, his warm, golden eyes practically glowing in the darkness. Every nerve ending in my body twitched, pushing me to go with him, to trust him. I knew I felt safe with him, even though my mind knew it didn't make sense, that I shouldn't feel so secure with someone I've only known for mere days. But I couldn't deny that my heart filled with a tingling warmth whenever he was around, that tingles prick the insides of my skin whenever he touches me, even if only briskly, that I _wanted_ to go with him. I nodded, agreeing to go in, trusting him entirely. He placed a hand at the small of my back and led me into the trees.

We walked in silence for a few minutes, the only sounds being the crunching of our feet on the bed of green, red, yellow and brown leaves on the ground. It wasn't as dark in here as it had appeared from the outside. The forest was dreary looking. With little line shining through the clustered grey clouds and the layer of rain water blanketed over every surface, the scene in here was that of a greyish blue, like someone had put the woods under a film of blue. Every so often, pops of color from bright yellow or red leaves would shine through, but their color was hushed by the forest's blue hue. All of Wolfville was grey like this, but there is always something going on, always something to distract from the dreariness. In here, there was nothing but the trees, with long, thin trunks and naked branches that blended in. It was sad and depressing. It was breathtakingly beautiful. It was so easy to just forget the modern world in here. This was the world before humans happened to it. The air felt better, it smelt better. I felt cleansed with every breath I took, breathing deeper each time to take it all in. This is serenity, here in the wild. There are no boundaries, just endless possibilities. I silently laughed at myself for being so afraid of coming into the woods, of knowing how much time I'd wasted sitting in my room being bored when I could've been here.

Tyler led me to some fallen trees, where we decided to stop and take a seat, to enjoy each other's company without any other distractions like we'd planned. He seemed very comfortable in the woods, almost like he'd been here before. While my eyes were darting all over the place, he just looked straight ahead, weaving through trees without hesitation. It felt like I was the out-of-towner and he was the resident showing me around.

I turned to him, straddling the tree trunk we were sitting on, pressing my hands in front of me to its rigid skin. Tyler then turned to face me too, propping his left leg up instead of letting it hang off the other side.

"This was a good idea." He said.

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it? It's beautiful in here." My eyes darted to the sky, to the intertwining and entangled branches of the trees, then to the ground and back to Tyler. Once I caught sight of his eyes again, a single leaf stuck out from all the rest on the ground. I got up and walked towards it, pinpointing it and bent down to retrieve it. I carried it back to the tree trunk, swinging my leg over it.

"What?" He asked. I looked up at him, then back at the leaf, scrutinizing it. I wanted to be sure it matched. I smiled and held it up to his eyes.

"They match. Your contacts are practically the same color as this leaf." I said. Tyler parted his lips to say something, then pressed them together again. He took the leaf from me, taking it between his thumbs and his index fingers and ran his thumbs up and down on it.

"Yes, I suppose it is."

"What's your real eye color?" I asked. Tyler took a deep breath, still staring at the leaf.

"Green."

"Really? Why would you hide green eyes behind coloured contacts? I wish I could get green contacts. My eyes are too dark for them, though." I sighed. Tyler looked up at me then. He rose his right hand to my face, sweeping his thumb at the corner of my eye.

"Your eyes are beautiful. Most brown eyes are dull, but yours are full of depth, like I could swim in them." He stared intently into my eyes, not blinking once. I gulped.

"Thanks..." I shrugged.

"You shouldn't underestimate how incredibly beautiful you are." He said, still staring into my eyes. His face was so close I could feel his breath on me. I thought it was a breeze at first until I realized it was coming from his mouth. He smelled so good. I tore my eyes away from him and pulled back a little. The intensity burned through me like a magnifying glass over an ant.

"I'm sorry." He said, looking away.

"For what? Paying me compliments?" I laughed. "Don't apologize, I appreciate it, really. I'm just not used to that. I'm not self loathing or anything, it's just weird to hear someone say that to me..." I explained. I didn't want him to think I was the kind of girl who needed to be complimented all of the time, because I didn't. I hoped he didn't get the wrong impression.

Tyler stared at the ground with his brows furrowed. He opened and closed his mouth several times as if he were about to say something, but then deciding against it.

"I hope I – " He began, then cut himself off.

"What?" I asked, encouraging him to continue. I lowered my head so that I can meet his gaze again. He responded by looking up.

"I hope I don't scare you when I say that I feel very lucky to have met you." He said, his brows still pinched together, creating a 'V' above the bridge of his nose. His eyes moved from side to side rapidly, searching mine.

"I feel lucky to have met you, too. I've never acted so impulsively before in my life," I giggled. "but it just feels right with you. That sounds so cheesy, but there's nothing else that comes close to explaining it."

Tyler smiled, taking in a deep breath.

"But..." I muttered. I hated to ruin the moment, but I couldn't just keep riding this high of what feels right. I have to know it's right, too. "I need to know you better for this to go anywhere serious, you know?"

"I agree. Where shall we begin?" He asked. I smiled, ready to jump right into a quick came of twenty questions, give or take a few.

"What's your favourite color?" I asked, beginning the line of numerous inquiries.

"Blue. Yours?"

"Ah, close! Mine is turquoise. Favourite number?"

"Thirteen."

"Oh, lucky number thirteen. Mine is three. Who is your favourite actor?"

"Charlie Chaplin."

"Really? Not Angelina Jolie or Penelope Cruz?"

"Goodness, no."

"Why Charlie Chaplin?"

"He's a legendary comedian! Haven't you ever seen a silent film? An actor today has lines to guide them, but to carry a story without words, _that_ is acting. Plus, the man had exceptional hair."

"Well, I can't say I've seen a silent film. I'll YouTube him later."

"As you should. I guarantee you'll love him. In fact, there is a specific scene from_ City Lights_ I think you should see. I'll find it for you and show you, maybe on Thursday before class."

"Okay."

"And who is your favourite actor?" He asked.

"It changes all the time. Right now, it's Kat Dennings."

"Why is that?"

"I just saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist last week and I really liked it. She's not generic either. I don't know, I'm just feelin' her right now, I guess. Next week it'll probably be someone else." I shrugged. I was never too keen on favourites. I mean, nobody ever just has one favourite, and if they do then it's really not a favourite, it's more of a preference. Preferences I have; favourites, not so much.

"I see." He chuckled.

"Moving on. Are you a morning person or a night person?"

"Night."

"Ditto. I hate that just waking up feeling. Favourite drink?" Tyler tensed, inhaling quickly before answering.

"Water. Nothing is more refreshing than a cool glass of water." He said, like he was trying to convince someone he in fact did love water.

"I couldn't agree more." I nodded. "Do you collect anything?"

"I suppose. I have a wide variety of books and music from many different eras and genres."

"That's so cool, I wish I could say I collected things like that."

"What do you collect?"

"Ha, well... don't laugh okay." I could feel heat collecting at the apple of my cheeks at how embarrassing my collection was, especially compared to him.

"I promise."

"Fridge magnets. When I was like, seven, every two weeks when I got my allowance I'd buy myself a nice new magnet to stick on my mirror. They're all stashed a shoe box in my closet now." I laughed, reminding myself to get rid of them immediately.

"That's not so bad." He said, a smile forcing its way across his face until he burst into a laugh.

"You promised!"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. You're just so cute when you're embarrassed."

"Mhm..." I rolled my eyes and smiled at the idea of him thinking I'm cute. "Next question: if you could have any superpower, what would it be?"

"I wouldn't want one."

"Oh come on."

"I'm serious. I wouldn't want a super power, given the choice."

"That's no fun. Not even flying?"

"No."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Being super isn't as super as people seem to think it is."

"Are you kidding? Of course it is! Like, if I could have a super power, I'd want to know what people are thinking."

"No. You wouldn't." He answered quickly, his words firm and precise. "It may sound great in theory, but in reality it's nothing but a pain."

"You say that like you know." I scoffed.

"I don't, I'm just playing devil's advocate, seeing the reality of such a power. You can't be selective about it, you'd hear every thought of every person you ever encounter, even ones you haven't. You'd hear things you'd never want to know and intrude on the most private of things. It would be a constant bickering, silence would be a distant concept. Sure, the idea of knowing what a particular person is thinking for your own personal gain sounds like a blessing, but in reality it's nothing but a curse. Being normal isn't as bad as people make it out to be."

"Okay, I believe you. How about a simple question like, if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?"

"Eastern Sahara."

"As in, Africa? Why there?"

"It's the sunniest place on Earth."

"I thought you said you liked the clouds..." I looked at him, questioning his contradiction. He chuckled.

"Good memory. I do find comfort in them, but if I could I would live in the sunniest place on Earth."

"Well, I change my answer then. I had no idea Eastern Sahara was the sunniest before now."

"What was your original answer?"

"California for the sun, New York for everything else."

"New York is a great city."

"You've been?"

"A couple of times, briefly. Just passing through really."

"Lucky..." I muttered.

"Next question!" Tyler urged.

"I'm going to test you with this one." I warned. "What was the first thing you noticed about me?"

"Your lips." He answered quickly. I should've known, I just knew they overpowered my face. "They're magnificent, so full and soft to the touch." He said, running a thumb along my bottom lip. "But then I looked into your eyes and was put under your spell." Again with the eyes. I didn't understand what he saw in them, so many others had these eyes. His face was close to mine again and I wasn't sure if I could control myself.

"Kiss me." I whispered, my eye lids fluttering to a close. I parted my lips, pouted and waited. He was playing with me, keeping his lips so close I could almost feel their smoothness. His breath expanded over the lower half of my face, sending his scent exploding into my nose and filling me entirely. I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait for him, I was so prepared to just throw myself on top of him. He chuckled, releasing another explosion of breath and then backed away, chuckling even more. I opened my eyes to see him with a hand to his mouth as he laughed. I playfully shoved him in his left shoulder and shook my head. I couldn't help but laugh though; he got me.

"You sir, are mean." I said coyly.

"Oh, my apologies miss, I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought, since we're still unravelling the inner mysteries of one another, the physical mysteries could wait." He said, speaking with a sophistication that dated back centuries.

"After openly inviting you to kiss me, I doubt my physical urges are anything but a mystery. Yours, however, I am questioning."

"Believe me, there is nothing more I'd want than to kiss you. But, perhaps we should pace ourselves."

"Fine, have it your way. What's your biggest regret in life?" I asked, continuing with the question game we were having. Tyler took in a deep breath and looked away from me, his head motioning forward when he gulped. Whatever his regret was must be huge. I felt I should retract the question in fear of pushing him too far.

"You don't have to answer that if you don't want to." I said.

"It's alright. Finding the words to explain it is somewhat difficult, that's all." He sighed, his mouth parted as he tried to continue. "Sometimes in life, the things you want," He stopped, searching the ground for his words. "When it involves someone else, what you want isn't always what is right for them. I suppose I regret being selfish with what I wanted, because even though I knew it was wrong of me, I continued to yearn for it. It's a nasty part of the human condition, I suppose." He finished, speaking just above a whisper.

"Everyone wants something they shouldn't. It's normal. You shouldn't regret it, I hear being normal is pretty super." I said, smiling.

"Whoever told you that must be pretty super." He grinned, always one to play along with my little jokes.

"Yeah, he's alright. He likes a dude named Chaplin, which I don't quite understand, but hey, who am I to judge?"

"You know what, I am going to send you that clip later on tonight, then you'll see. Your favourite actor will be changing tonight."

"Oh, is that so? Will I be coming into some money soon too, oh great one?" I asked, mocking his prediction.

"It's fuzzy, try again later."

"Ah, it's just my luck." I laughed.

"I have the feeling that will change soon. Back to business, do you have any regrets?"

"Yeah, sort of. I regret not being more adventurous. I've always played it safe, never jumped at opportunity when it came. Even though I've always liked my alone time, I feel like I've missed out."

"Well, let's start anew. Opportunity is knocking, will you answer the door?" He asked, leaning towards me.

"Yes?" I answered sceptically.

Tyler scooted closer to me, sweeping my bangs out of my face and pulled me closer to him. He glanced down at my lips then into my eyes, his mouth breaking out into a smile before pressing his lips to mine. He was so cold. If I didn't know any better I'd think it were January, when really it's only the middle of October. I couldn't stop kissing him though, no matter what thoughts popped into my head. Our mouths moved so perfectly together. Then he surprised me by darting his tongue in my mouth through my parted lips. It was magical. His lips separated from mine, but still hovered in front of them. He pressed his lips to mine briefly once more before leaning back. My eyes remained closed as I recovered from what opportunity had given me.

"Wow." I whispered.

"See, taking risks has its rewards."

"Yes, it certainly does."

"Are there any more questions you'd like to ask me?" He asked.

"Oh there are plenty. What's your major? I don't think I've ever asked you... Usually that's the first thing people ask each other on campus."

"Philosophy."

"Makes sense..." I mumbled.

"Why is that?"

"You're very philosophic."

"Oh, that explains it. I've got a question for you."

"Okay, shoot."

"Do you believe in miracles?" He asked. The song 'You Sexy Thing' by Hot Chocolate popped into my head when he asked me that. I was about to sing _'I believe in miracles since you came along, you sexy thing'_ until I realized he was being very serious.

"Um...I don't know I mean, I think there are things that happen that we can't explain with science. I wouldn't say I'm a non-believer, I've just never experienced one so, I don't really know where I stand on that one." I answered, the words fumbling from my tongue.

Tyler's lip tugged at the corner and he looked down. He seemed a little disappointed with my answer, like he'd wanted me to say yes. He licked his lips and looked up at me again.

"Where do you see yourself five or ten years from now?" He asked, changing the subject drastically. I was a little caught off guard with that one, one minute we're talking miracles, the next we're into the future. It was quite the jump. His questions were pretty heavy duty compared to my 'what's your favourite...' questions, these actually required some thought.

"Um," I chortled. "I don't know, really. I try not to think too far into the future. I'll probably be a teacher or something like that. I've always imagined myself as that cool high school English teacher that all the kids love. And I'd pick really cool things for them to read and inspire them to pick up a book outside of school. But that's so far ahead into the future, who's to say I won't be bumming it on some street in Northern Nebraska, you know? I just take the days as they come."

"So, say if something unexpectedly took you from your dream of being an English teacher, you'd simply go with it?"

"It's not exactly my dream, I'm just being practical. But yeah, I guess so. I mean, you can't predict things like that."

Tyler's eyes rose to meet mine, his gaze wide and inviting. I wondered what my answers meant to him.

"Where do you see yourself down the line?" I asked.

"Hopefully, existing with my one true love."

"No career?"

"Sure, I suppose I could be a professor of some sort, but what really matters who I'd be sharing my existence with."

"Yeah. Honestly, I just want to be happy. Even if I don't become a teacher, if I have some half ass job managing teenagers at the local Burger King, if I'm happy then that's good enough."

"You have an interesting way of putting things, Stella." Tyler laughed. "But you're right, happiness is key. I'd love to be happy in the future, even if it happens to be with the woman managing the local Burger King."

I laughed first, before the reality of what he was saying settled in. He saw _me_ in his future. The smile fell from my face as I measured the extent of what that meant. How could he possibly believe that if he doesn't know me? How could I? I can't deny the way it felt to hear him include me in his future, to be the one he would want be happy with, but at the same time it was terrifying. My thoughts and my emotions were under immense conflict. My heart was ready to extend my left hand and shout yes, but my mind knew to take it easy, to be careful. While I've never really been in love, I have been rejected and broken hearted before, to throw myself whole heartedly so soon is just asking for disaster. And who's to say he won't change his mind? What if he's being all sweet and charming because he wants something from me? It wouldn't be a first. And even if he was being genuine, we're still so young. It's silly to think of forever at such an early stage, but looking at the future, who's to say what will happen or how we'll both change?

"Stella? Are you alright?" Tyler asked, placing a hand on my arm. I looked up and smiled, but I couldn't mask my inner turmoil.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Do you think, maybe, we're getting a little too ahead of ourselves?"

"I suppose we are. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you."

"You didn't. It's more about me than it is you, honestly."

"When I'm with you I find it difficult to control myself. I get so excited thinking about the bigger picture, I forget what's happening here and now."

"Ditto." I said, laughing quietly to myself. "I feel so comfortable with you, so much so that I lose touch with reality for a minute. Then I remember I've only known you for a few days and that I shouldn't be, at least not as much." I confessed.

"I know." He nodded.

"You feel that way too?"

"Yes, very much. When I'm with you I feel like I've spent a whole other lifetime with you, and then I remember that I have only had days with you." He said, emphasizing 'you', like there was a difference.

"It's weird, huh?"

"Or magical. Maybe what we have is something the mind simply can't comprehend, something so much more, that knowledge has no explanation for other than destiny."

"I want to believe that, I really do. But if I did then it'd mean that I have absolutely no control over my own life and I don't think I could live like that."

"Even if your destiny is one of love and eternal happiness?"

"Even so. If I'm going to be happy I want it to be because of something I did, because I earned and deserved it, not because it was just given to me."

"Who's to say you don't deserve it? Everyone deserves happiness, Stella. Even a monster deserves a little happiness. If not then, what's the point of even trying?"

My phone started vibrating in my pocket before I could answer. I ignored it at first, so that I could tell him that I agreed, that I wanted to take the leap and let destiny carry me, but that not having control scared me, but the vibrating persisted and there was no ignoring this call. I held out my hand to Tyler, pausing our conversation as I slipped my phone out of my pocket and answered it. Dane started talking before I could even say hello.

"Where are you?" He shouted.

"I'm at home. Why?"

"Who are you with?"

"Nobody. Dane, what's wrong with you?"

"I'm coming over."

"No! I'm..." I bit my lip and shook my head at Tyler. He smiled, stood up, took his black sweater off, then tugged at his white t-shirt, raising it so that a bit of his stomach was exposed. His perfectly sculpted pelvic bone distracted me for a moment from what he was trying to tell me to say.

"Um, uh, I'm... taking my clothes off?" I muttered. Tyler laughed and shook his then raised a hand over his head, fist clenched and turned it in a circle over his head.

"Oh! I'm just jumping into the shower." Tyler nodded with a grin and sat back down.

"Well don't, I'm on my way." Dane said.

"I really need a shower, I um, stopped at the gym and had this really intense workout and I stink really bad so I need to take a nice, _long_ shower to get rid of the stench. You don't want to be around this, really." I insisted.

"Stella, I don't care. Do you forget the time you fell into Mr. Harrison's disgusting, mouldy pond? Who walked next to you for six blocks with you dripping in muck? I'm almost there."

"Don't be, please. I was like, six, I didn't care back then. I don't want to be smelly around you." I shrugged and shook my head at Tyler as I said anything I could possibly say to get Dane to stay away.

"I'll wait." He persisted.

"What?"

"I'll wait for you to shower, it'll be fine."

"Ew, Dane I do not want you to be here when I'm naked in the shower."

"Since when were you a prude?"

"I am not. You're like my brother, having you there when I'm, you know, just grosses me out. What's so urgent that you have to be here right now?"

Tyler stood up and looked through the trees towards my backyard. He clenched his jaw and stood a little in front of me, like he was expecting something.

"I need to see you. I'm about to turn into your street, so hurry up and smell nice." I could hear his bike speeding up, and then louder as it neared my house. I stood up and took a few steps forward, anticipating him to come barrelling through the trees. I turned to Tyler.

"Shit. He's coming. I have to get to my house or else he'll go nuts. Come on, you can just sit in my room for a minute while I get rid of him." I said, waving him over.

"I don't know, Stella. He sounded urgent, perhaps I should go." Tyler said, taking a slow step back.

"Please, don't go."

"You really should just deal with this, I'll come back. Go ahead. I don't mind." He nodded, urging me to go ahead without him. I sighed.

"Alright. I'll call you when he's gone." I said as I walked backwards towards my house, before turning and running home.

I felt like a track star, hurdling over logs and dodging trees. It was exhilarating, this running thing. But, by the time I reached my backyard my run turned into a very slow jog and I was heaving for air. Running? Yeah, not so much for me.

Dane was walking towards my front door when I appeared from the side of my house, out of breath and tuckered out from running home in time to meet him. Dane looked confused when he saw me drag me feet across my driveway towards him on my porch. I tried to smile and play it off like it was nothing, but my throat was screaming for hydration, which in turn made it distracting to happily greet him like it was no biggie, that I was just enjoying the weather.

"I thought you were jumping into the shower?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah, but then I remembered I can't make it to the gym tomorrow so I decided to do a couple extra laps around the house, you know, to burn some extra calories." I lied.

"Right..."Dane folded his arms across his chest.

"Yup."

"You don't smell so bad." He commented.

"Yeah...I, um, I took that shower, a quick one, and _then_ realized I needed to fit in an extra run. So you know, it's not as bad." I shrugged, knowing he probably wasn't buying it, but that maybe he wouldn't bother pestering me for the truth either.

"You gonna invite me in, or are we going to hang out here 'til it starts to rain?"

"Oh, yeah come on in." I walked past him towards my door, pulled out my keys and stepped aside for Dane. He nodded as he walked in the door. As I closed the door, I noticed Tyler's Volvo was nowhere to be seen. He didn't leave the forest with me either. I wondered what happened to him and where his car was as I closed the door and escorted Dane to the living room downstairs.

Dane craned his neck upstairs before stepping downstairs, and then did the same when we were in the living room, stretching his neck out to inspect the other rooms of the house as we sat down on the couch, Dane on one end and me on the other. I repositioned myself so I was blocking his view.

"Looking for something?" I asked.

"No, not at all. I was just wondering where your family was."

"It's the middle of the day, everyone's gone."

"Right. This couch is just as comfortable as I remember it to be. Is the leather spill resistant?"

"Yep..."

"That's good. Black's good too, matches everything..."

"Did you come here to talk about my furniture?" I interrupted.

"No. I just wanted to see you."

"That's it? You sounded like there was a national emergency on the phone."

"Sorry, I was driving. You know how I get when I drive."

"I don't actually. Last time I drove with you, it was in your dad's old Buick, and you used to be pretty relaxed while driving it."

"Oh yeah, that was a sweet ride. I miss that car."

"What do you mean?"

"We had to sell it. Got a good amount for it too, it's like a collectable or something."

"Why on Earth would you sell it? You loved that car!"

"We didn't have a choice. We were behind on bills, and it's not like he left much behind. All of his money was in that car, so when things got too tight to manage we sold it."

"Dane, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's fine. Anyway, with the bike driving is just such a rush. It's great. I'll take you for a ride sometime."

"No, thanks. I value my life too much to risk being flown off a little bike."

"C'mon! It' s safe, I promise."

"We'll see." I answered. Dane nodded, his eyes dropping to his fiddling hands. This was getting awkward.

"Honestly, though, why did you come here?"

"I – " Dane cut himself off with a deep sigh. "I thought you were with him."

"Him? You mean Tyler? What is your problem with him? I don't understand why you are so against him. Maybe if you met him and got to know him you –"

"You know what, can we just not talk about this? He's not here, I was wrong, let's move on." He rose his hands, surrendering the subject. I was surprised that he was the one changing the subject. Before, he jumped on any chance he could to tell me how horrible Tyler was, but this time he didn't. This was progress, I thought, this is good.

"Okay, let's just forget about him. It's funny, we have so much to catch up on, but I can't think of anything to say." I laughed.

"Yeah, it's weird. We've never had to do this before."

"Yep...how's life been treating you?" I asked, hoping to get the ball rolling.

"It's been okay, a little rocky, but okay. After my dad died there was a lot I didn't really understand and things were happening to me that I couldn't even begin to grip. I know you aren't a fan of the guys, but they've really been there for me. They carried me through this past year, helped me understand a lot about who I am. I don't know where I'd be right now without them there to guide me. They've become my family."

"I'm glad they could be there for you when I couldn't. I still don't understand what happened, but I'm glad you're doing okay with whatever it is."

"Yeah, they're really a great group of guys. Me and Caleb are so much closer now, too. You should meet them on better terms some time, maybe we can all grab dinner or something."

"I'd like that." I smiled, a warmth filling me as the old Dane shone through his new physique. I loved that he wanted to include me in his life again, that he was willing to make the effort. I wasn't exactly thrilled with getting chummy with his new 'family', but I figured the guys who helped him through whatever it was he went through are worth giving a chance to.

"What about you, how's life?" He asked.

"It's okay, kind of boring but I can't complain. I got into Acadia and have basically been there all year, studying. School kind of took over my life for a while, then I had a break for summer and now I'm back into it again."

"Oh yeah, you're a college girl now." He laughed. "Is university what you expected it to be like?"

"Sort of. I had this image in my head of rigorous studying and brain bending exams and assignments, but it's actually not as hard as I thought. It didn't change me much, either. I thought I'd have some kind of metamorphosis, you know? But, I didn't. Everyone else seems to have changed, though. Like Jessica, remember her?" Dane nodded. "During first year, she went out of her way to be this exaggerated version of herself and to meet new people, which is fine, I guess. Then a week ago she picks up that book series, Twilight, and starts hanging out with all of these new people and ignoring me. It really sucked, besides you she was my best friend. But then Tyler showed up one day out of the blue and changed everything, made me feel important again." I stopped when I noticed Dane tense, realizing mentioning Tyler was a mistake.

"Have you read New Moon?" He asked. I stared at him peculiarly for a moment, sure I hadn't even mentioned New Moon. I worried he'd start gushing about how amazing it is like some twi-hard, but when his jaw slowly clenched and his fingers curled into his palm, forming a fist, I knew what he thought about the series wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.

"No, but Lindsey already put it in my room with a box of tissues she insists I'll need." I chuckled. Dane rolled his eyes.

"Why are you reading that garbage anyway? You used to be into dudes like Hemingway and Sartre, now you're reading Twilight?" He said, spitting out 'Twilight' with disgust.

I explained how I never liked Twilight to begin with and refused to read it, even when bombarded with it everywhere I went. I told him about Lindsey's obsession with it, about her blog and about The Stella Project. I vented about how Jessica, the one person out of the loop with me, eventually gave in and became a twi-hard, one of them, leaving me all alone among the non-readers and boys who have yet to succumb to the Twilight madness. The deal breaker, though, was Tyler. I knew I shouldn't have brought him up, but by the time I did, it was too late.

"Then Tyler brought it up and I got curious so I read it." I said, finishing the long journey to how I eventually gave in to the Twilight craze and read the first book. Dane huffed and shook his head.

"Of course he did." He mumbled.

"What do you mean by 'of course he did'?" I asked.

"Because..." He shook his head. "He's a pansy ass."

And just like that, our conversation turned from better to worse. He was slowly regressing back to the new Dane I wasn't too sure I wanted to know and burying the old him behind this tough guy attitude. I glared at him.

"Sorry, I just – I wish you could see what he really is." He said, staring at his fidgeting fingers.

I sat in silence and watched him fidget. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wouldn't stop seeing Tyler, which is what Dane wanted. I knew Dane wouldn't tell me why I should stay away from Tyler, so there was no point in asking again. My eyes filtered over his hunched form on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees as he picked at his fingers. I found the scar on his left arm, a jagged, white line near his shoulder reminding me of one of the many escapades Dane and I had together.

"I remember when we were eight, it was the middle of October and all of the trees were bright with red and orange leaves and there was that one leaf that was yellow in the middle and the edges were red, making it look like a flame. And I pointed at it and told you I would give anything to have that leaf and then you ran to the tree and started climbing, and you shimmied down that branch like a caterpillar on a wire." Dane and I were both laughing as we remembered his little body clinging to the branch, scooting himself further and further until he reached the leaf.

"Yeah, and I fell and landed on a piece of glass from a shattered beer bottle." He said, rubbing his scar with his right hand.

"You were bleeding all down your arm and I was freaking out. You just smiled and handed me the leaf. It was in perfect condition, too. You were a crazy kid."

"I wanted to make you happy." He said simply, a corner of his lip tugging up into a smile.

"You did." I whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder. He gulped and inhaled then, turning to me.

"What do you see in him?" He asked. I looked away, sighing at the fact that we were back to talking about this. I didn't want to argue with him anymore.

"Dane, please don't." I muttered.

"I just want to know. What is it about him that you like so much? Help me to understand this."

I took in a deep breath as I tried to explain in a way that wouldn't be confusing for him, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't find the words.

"Honestly, I couldn't explain no matter how much I want to. It's electric with him, I feel ways I've never felt before. When he looks at me, it's like he knows me through and through and I feel so...secure? I guess. I don't know. There's just this understanding there between us, we don't even have to talk, we can just be together without the silence getting awkward. He's different, intriguing...it just feels right."

"Okay." He whispered. I was stunned that he wasn't going off about how that was all wrong and I didn't know what I was doing.

"Okay?" I repeated.

"Yeah. Don't take this the wrong way but, a relationship is so much more than just feeling things, Stel. You have to know each other, I mean _really_ know each other. You don't know him."

"Maybe not yet, but we're getting there."

"Whatever, you know I don't like it. If you're going to keep seeing him then promise me, when you do, that it's in a public place with lots of people around, okay?"

Did he think I was meeting some pedophile from the internet? It was just Tyler. And it's too late for that kind of advice, any time I've ever been with Tyler besides the first time we hung out has been alone.

"Sure." I lied.

"I should go. I have to meet Caleb." He stood up, reaching his hands to the ceiling to stretch before walking towards the stairs. I followed him upstairs and out the door to his bike. It had begun to drizzle outside now, the droplets cold as they hit my skin.

"Maybe I should give you a ride. It could be dangerous riding around in the rain." I offered as he put his helmet on.

"I'll be fine, it's not too bad."

"Call me when you get home, so I know you got there in one piece."

"Okay mom." He laughed, then swung his leg over the bike. "I'll see ya." He said before zipping down my driveway and into the street.

I nodded to myself, agreeing that all in all, Dane's visit went pretty well. I hoped that he was finally coming around to the idea of me seeing Tyler, regardless of whatever it is he thinks he knows about Tyler. It wouldn't happen overnight, but in time, I thought, maybe they could even be friends. Maybe I was shooting for the moon a little, but these days I'm starting to believe that anything can happen if the proper risks are taken.

* * *

**A/N:** This chapter is a bit longer than usual, I did some rearranging and ending up putting the Dane visit in too, instead of saving it for the next chapter. I hope you guys liked this chapter, I had fun writing it. The title is from the song 'It's You' by Annie Stela. The silent movie, City Lights, with Charlie Chaplin is on YouTube if you're interested. The scene from City Lights that Tyler mentions will come up again. To wath that scene, type in ' City Lights - Luci della Città (Charles Chaplin) 1931' in the search bar and it should be the first video. The movie itself is great, if you have some time to spare I recommend watching it. Charlie Chaplin is hilarious and the story is beautiful. Also, there's a poll on my profile right now because I've been toying with the idea of making a Twitter account for my fanfiction acocunt, just for updates between posting chapters and to get your input and ideas for what you'd like to see happen next. So if you're interested in one, let me know and vote. And finally, reviews are greatly appreciated. Have a good one, see you next Tuesday! :)


	10. So Contagious

**9. So Contagious**

After Dane left, I lingered in the foyer of my house, taking in its emptiness. The family room to my right was rather filled, with a chair by the ornate fireplace that blended in to the beige color of the walls, the paisley, cream coloured sofa in front of the window and the massive grand piano dominating the left side of the room. No one in our family can play the piano, and the room was rarely ever used. It was a room we were to only look at and to impress guests with when they walked in the front door. Secretly, I used the room whenever my parents were out of the house. I'd lay on the couch with a good book and read by the window, or tap some keys on the piano just for fun. What's the point in having a room if you can't use it?

Behind the family room on the second floor was the kitchen, which was rather plain for its size. Our round, dark wood table was in the center of the room, with nothing but empty space surrounding it. The walls were painted a grey-ish green, which made our light coloured wood cabinets stand out. It was very earthy, decorated in toned down browns and greens.

Looking down the stairs to the basement, I couldn't see a thing. The blinds down there must have been closed, because it looked pitch black from where I was standing. Normally, I love every chance I get to be home alone, but it was kind of depressing how much life my house lacked when no one was here. Without my oblivious parents, my obsessively insane sister and funny jock brother, this place was nothing.

The buzz of my phone startled my silence. I pictured a scene from a horror movie, of the main character alone in a dreary looking suburban house like mine, answering the phone to hear some eerie voice on the other end whispering something terrifying. What would it be? Do I have seven days to live or does someone know what I did last summer?

"Hello?" I asked as I hesitantly answered the phone.

"Stella, oh my God this is the greatest day of my life!" Jessica screeched. I sighed, laughing silently at myself for having even an inkling of fear. But boy, was I grateful for Jessica's squeal.

"I bet! Where'd you two go after class?" I asked.

"He bought me coffee and then we just walked around campus talking. He told me he's liked me for a long time and he just wanted things to be natural with us. My heart literally just stopped beating when he said that. We talked about everything, like really deep and personal stuff that I never talk about with anyone. And he's such a good kisser, Stel! My goodness..."

"That's so great, I'm very happy for you two. It's about damn time!"

"I know. I'm glad it happened now though. If it would've been before this, I'm not sure it would be the same, you know? I was so obsessed with him before, I probably would've acted like some fangirl meeting Robert Pattinson. Lately, I haven't even thought about Mike, I was starting to accept him as just a friend and move on. The timing for this is amazing!"

I realized, as she explained how perfect the timing was on Mike's move, that she was right about not thinking about Mike anymore. A couple of weeks ago, every other sentence she spoke had his name in it, or some reference to him. But then she got distracted and she stopped acting like a psycho stalker. Twilight helped Jessica and Mike finally realize they should be together. Holy Moses, Twilight serves a purpose in this world!

"Well, I'm glad things worked out the way they were meant to." I said.

"Yeah, me too. Anyway, I better go change my Facebook status! Or should I wait until he does it first to make sure? I can just do it right? Or is that too forward?" I rolled my eyes as she went back and forth with herself about whether she should change her relationship status on Facebook.

"Jess, I really don't think it matters."

"Ok, I'll just wait."

"Okay, you do that." I answered. I gasped upon hearing two quick knocks on the door behind me. Michael Meyers?

"Stella?" She asked.

"Yeah, someone's at the door, I'll call you later."

I slipped the phone in my pocket and inched towards the door, staring at it the centre of it as if I could see through it if I just stared long enough. I grasped the gold door knob and turned it to the right, peaking my head through the gap as I opened the door. Tyler was standing on my porch with his back to me, looking out into the street. I swung the door all the way open and just watched him for a minute before coughing. He turned, presenting me with a wonderfully crooked smile.

"Hello." He said. I licked my lips as his scent filtered towards me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, impressed by his impeccable timing.

"I said I'd be back."

"Right, but how did you know when?"

"I told you, I take good educated guesses. For example, you're going to invite me in now."

I raised an eyebrow at him, maintaining my position in the door way.

"However, because I just said that, you'll think twice and make me wait. People don't like to do things when they're told they're going to do so. They like things to be in their control. Telling you you'll do something takes away the control and deters you from wanting to perform the task, even if you were going to do it anyway." He leaned forward as he spoke, barely lifting his feet as he moved closer to me, until our chests were almost pressed together.

"You're not going to come in." I said, testing his little educated guessing theory.

Tyler's crooked smile shifted into a smirk as he pressed his chest into mine. His hands were extended out to either side of the door as he pressed further, gently pushing his way inside. I found myself stepping backwards, answering his push my gripping my hands into his sweater and pulling. He managed to slide one foot past the threshold, my mouth hovering in front of his, threatening to take his lips into my own. His eyes fell to my lips and he nudged at my nose flirtatiously, then tilted his head to the side, sliding it next to mine so that we were ear to ear and lifted his other foot through the door. He let his hands down from either side of the door and placed them on my back, his fingertips pressing lightly in a line along my spine. I pressed my nose to his sweater and breathed in deeply, taking in his smell and relishing in the way his hands felt on my back. He slid his fingertips up and down, keeping them placed along my spine. It amazed me how well his fingertips fit in a line down my back, how strategically he had placed them, as if he knew I would enjoy it. Never has a hug felt so intimate before.

I felt Tyler nestle into the crook of my neck, his nose nudging my hair and breathing it in. He moaned a little and sighed.

"You were right." I whispered as I pressed my ear to his chest, searching for the beat of his heart, wondering if it matched mine like in those romance movies. Normally, I'd roll my eyes at such predictable cheese, but in the moment it almost seemed important.

"What's that?" He murmured.

"People do the opposite of what someone tells them they're going to do." I spoke slowly, still listening for his heart beat. All I could hear was myself inhaling and exhaling. I held my breath for a moment and could hear my own heart slowing. Tyler pulled away.

"Why aren't you breathing?" He asked, the expression on his face concerned.

"I was listening for your heart, but all I could hear was mine."

"Silly girl," He muttered. "That's because they're both beating together at the same time." He took a hand and swiped my bangs off to the side. I smiled, chuckling under my breath, partly because it was sweet of him to say, but also because he was the one giving the line. Either way, it was nice to hear.

"What do you suggest we do with the rest of the day?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter to me, all I want to do is to be with you." I felt a warmth fill my cheeks and I shied away from his eyes.

"Do you want to come upstairs?" I asked. I realized how suggestive that sounded and hurried to clarify. "I mean, just to hang out. In my room... but on opposite sides of the bed, or I could sit in my computer chair or –" He placed a finger on my lips and nodded yes to going upstairs. I turned towards the stairs, stepping up the first three and then looked behind me to make sure he was following. He lent his hand out and I took it, leading him up the stairs and down the hallway to my room.

Upon entering my room and realizing it's horrible condition I was mortified that I'd asked Tyler to come up here. All of the contents of my closet were strewn about the floor and on my bed, dirty clothes were collected in a pile in the corner behind the door and water bottles cluttered my desk.

"I'm not normally this messy..." I muttered.

"It's alright. I don't mind a little clutter." He said politely, like the tornado that appeared to have whipped through my room was just a little breeze.

"A little?" I huffed under my breath. Tyler laughed.

I zipped into action and threw the clothes that were on my bed onto the floor, patting the free space for him to sit. He smiled, removed his hands from his pockets and sat down very properly with his back straight and his hands placed at his sides. He seemed very composed in his entire body, except for his fingers. He tugged on my purple sheets, rubbing pinches of it in between his fingertips, then releasing it and pulling up the fabric again. Then his fingers tapped against the mattress in a fluid manner, like he would if he were pressing keys to a piano. His fingers never stopped moving.

He sighed and glanced around my room until his eyes fell on the New Moon book on my night stand. He got up, walked around to the other side of the bed and picked the book up.

"Have you read this?" He asked as I placed the laptop on the desk.

"Not yet. I know what happens though. You've read it, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"Did you like it?"

"No. I didn't like the rest of the series after the first book."

"Really?" I asked, surprised that the man who sung Twilight's praises in the first conversation we had would have disliked the rest of the series. "Why?"

"Edward was written very out of character, in my opinion. He would never leave Bella in the first place, let alone at a time when she would have been most vulnerable and where danger was still present, especially after killing James. From what I've read, vampires mate for life and can be rather territorial and possessive, so killing Victoria's mate would not have gone unpunished. He would have known that killing James was only a temporary solution to her safety, that eventually Victoria and Laurent would have to be taken care of to ensure there was absolutely no danger posing a threat to her. From then on, the rest of the series seemed very unrealistic to me."

"It's not supposed to be realistic, it's vampire fiction. If Edward killed all three of them, then there wouldn't be a conflict in New Moon or Eclipse. The entire series would have collapsed. Stephenie Meyer was being strategic with who got killed so that she could carry on the series."

"Well, I didn't appreciate her strategy." He said, huffing angrily. I almost wanted to laugh that he was getting so worked up over a story. Tyler was great, except for his knowledge of all things Twilight and his opinions about it. It's almost worse than the obsessed twi-hards. I didn't want to spend the rest of the night discussing something that isn't even real.

"Okay, well everyone's entitled to an opinion, but the books are already printed so..."

"I know. I just don't want you to see Edward as some flighty jerk when you read the book. He would have never left Bella." He said, pressing the issue.

"Okay, I'll keep it in mind." I agreed.

Tyler looked down at the bed, his eyes squinting as if he were in pain. He looked away and sighed heavily as he brought the book to his chest and then lowered it to my night stand. He looked up at me then and a warmth returned to his eyes, their golden color glowing. He continued to stare deeply into my eyes, speaking silent words I didn't understand. I lowered my eyes and broke his gaze, but when I looked back up he was still looking at me with this fire in his eyes. I wondered what he was seeing when he looked at me, what it was that had him so captivated.

"What?" I finally asked, the burning silence no longer bearable. Tyler smiled and shook his head bashfully. His body went rigid, as if something beneath his skin wanted to escape and he was keeping it at bay.

"Reading Twilight hasn't affected you at all, has it?" He whispered.

He had no idea how reading that book affected me every time my eyes found the page, of the things it made me feel. It's seeping into my subconscious and taking over my dreams and thoughts. He hadn't the faintest clue how every time I read it I could smell him, feel him and hear him, that he had become my Edward for some strange reason. It irked me that he thought I had read the book without an ounce of emotion being evoked in me. He didn't know how much emotion _he_ evoked in me. Maybe it was about time he knew, even if it was too soon or too quick for whatever relationship it is we have.

Being this close to him in a small room was driving me crazy, not because it was uncomfortable, but because I couldn't stand being so close while not being able to touch him or feel him. The pull I felt around him was even stronger now, encompassing my entire body. I just wanted him to hold me, to curl up in his arms and let him consume me. All of this talking was irritating when all I wanted was to just be with him, to silently take him in. My wants took over as I stood up to meet him at the other side of the bed. He took a step back, tensing more as I got closer.

In my moment of impulse I realized that I didn't care whether things were happening too quickly. I'm so tired of fighting with myself over whether we're moving too fast or whether I'm falling for him too soon. For some reason which I do not understand, I want him so badly in every way. Every time I see him I feel like I should be running into his arms, kissing him all over and telling him I love him, like I should savour every second because it could be taken away from me soon. For some reason, my heart seems to recognize him. I'm tired of logic interfering with what I want and what's clearly meant to be. I've decided to give up the fight and give in to my urges, to finally take the risk.

I ignored Tyler's tension and wrapped my arms around his neck, flinging myself into him with every ounce of force I had. He hesitated at first, but then wrapped his arms around me, squeezing tightly. He let out a great sigh, as if relieved that I had made the move, and swayed me from side to side. I could feel his smile widen and his cool gasps on my neck as he laughed. He lowered me and cupped his hands around my face before moulding his lips to mine. His touch was cold and his body rock solid, but I didn't question it. If it were any other way it wouldn't have felt right. Even though logic told me this was all wrong, that his skin shouldn't be cold and his breath shouldn't feel like a cool breeze in the middle of winter, I knew that if he would have been warm it just wouldn't be right, he wouldn't be the one.

We parted lips and stared at each other for a moment, both of us amazed at what was happening and how incredible it all felt to just risk it all and fall fast into whatever this was.

"I don't know what's happening." I admitted with a laugh. Because in all honesty, I didn't. This didn't make sense, this wasn't the natural progression of a relationship. But all logic aside, this did make sense and was absolutely natural. My mind was all over the place but my heart and my body were in check.

"I know it doesn't make much sense right now, but it will in time." He reassured. Every time I was off the wall trying to figure us out, he seemed to know exactly what was happening, like he had all the answers.

"What do you know that I don't?" I asked jokingly, but in all seriousness I was dying to know. He simply shook his head and kissed my forehead. I wasn't going to get any answers from him tonight. Trying to figure him out just made everything even more confusing. I needed one straight fact to calm my mind.

"So, what are we exactly?" I asked.

"Homo sapiens." He answered smugly.

"Ha-ha. I mean, us, together. What are we? I'm not sure what to call you."

"Ah, well I suppose you could call me many things; male suitor, companion, lover, admirer, beau...or simply your boyfriend."

"My boyfriend." I repeated, my smile stretching as far as it can go. Giant birds flapped their wings in the center of my stomach, building up a fangirl squeal I would not allow to be released.

"And, as my girlfriend, it is customary to meet the family." His words jump kicked the birds in my stomach and replaced them with ostriches that can fly and stomp around my innards at the same time. He wanted me to meet his family. As in, his doctor father, home maker mother and five adoptive siblings that he's very close to. I could only imagine what they'd think of me. They seemed like the perfect group of people under one roof, and I am far from perfect.

"Your family?" I gulped. "Aren't they in Washington?"

"Actually, they've decided to relocate to Nova Scotia to be closer to me. My father recently acquired a job at a hospital in Kentville. Some of my siblings may be joining us at Acadia, too."

"Really? Wow, that's..." My head swayed as I wrapped my mind around the news. It just seemed so odd that his family would move all this way just to be close to him for the next two years of his education. And the thought of meeting his parents just made things feel so much more official for Tyler and I.

"I know it seems extreme, but we're very close. The distance became a bit tiring. We were due for a move, anyhow. We've outdone our stay in Washington, it's time to move on."

"Do you guys move around a lot?" I asked.

"Yes. We like to experience new surroundings, so every few years we move to another location. We remained in Forks much longer than we usually stay in one place."

"Forks?" My ears perked up at the mention of the little town in Washington. Tyler turned away, gulping before looking at me again to answer.

"Yes, Forks. It's become such a tourist destination, much too crowded for our liking."

I scrutinized his expression as he spoke, his nervousness apparent in his flighty glances and frequent swallows. I laughed quietly, realizing what was making him act this way.

"Don't be embarrassed. So you like Twilight and just so happen to be from Forks, it's not a big deal. It's kind of cool, actually. You got to experience Twilight every day, Lindsey would kill for that."

Tyler sighed as his lips slowly stretched into a smile and nodded.

"Anyway, they'll be arriving this coming weekend. We'd be honoured to have you in our home. I know Allison is just dying to meet you."

"Allison? One of your sisters?"

"Yes."

"You talk to her about me?"

"I have. I hope you don't mind. I was very excited to have met you, and Allison could tell something had changed in me. We're very close, and she is very intuitive, I couldn't keep it from her."

"That's cool, I understand. I can't wait to meet her and the rest of your family. I guess that means you should meet mine?"

"If you'd like me to."

"Of course I would like you to! How about tonight? You can stay for dinner."

I got more and more excited as the image of Tyler filling the sixth seat at the dinner table played around in my mind, of us holding hands secretly under the table, of him asking me to pass the potatoes and chatting with my dad about old books. I knew my family would love him, although Lindsey is somewhat of a concern due to her love of Twilight and claims that Tyler is Edward Cullen. But she could be dealt with, or bribed, either way this dinner was going to be fantastic!

"Dinner?" He asked apprehensively.

"Yeah, you know, the third meal of the day, in which you eat food of various shapes, colors, textures, sizes and smells."

"Sure, I suppose I could stay for dinner." He said, coughing on the word 'dinner'. I checked the time, noting it was almost three in the afternoon, meaning Lindsey would be home any minute, followed by Zack and then my parents around five. Lindsey, I knew, would require a major debriefing that would take some time to get through. There wasn't much time to waste.

"Okay, I need you to go and come back around six. Is that alright?"

"Sure. I'll have to work on how to make an entrance." He said as I ushered him out into the hallway.

"Trust me, just being there in the doorway is entrance enough." I said as we reached the stairs. I swung open the front door and was trying to push him out when he turned to face me.

"Wait, you're forgetting something!"

"I am?" I looked back at the stairs, trying to figure out what he could have left in my room. He placed his fingers around my chin and turned my head to face him, then lowered his face to mine and kissed me.

"There. All set." He smiled.

"Okay, now go! Six o'clock, don't be late!" As Tyler hopped down the two steps of my front porch, Lindsey's school bus came to a stop at the corner. I ran out the door, linked arms with Tyler and began to pull him to the street, when I realized his car wasn't there.

"Where's your car?" I asked, frantic. Lindsey would be here any minute, she probably already saw him, she was going to freak out.

"Relax, I parked on the next block just in case Dane stopped by again, so that he wouldn't see it." I looked at him for a minute, wondering why he'd say that when I'd never mentioned much about Dane to him, let alone his dislike of Tyler. But, I didn't have time to question him about it now, it would have to be another time, because I could see Lindsey's sparkling black, white and red checkered backpack making its way across the bus.

"Okay, just hide in the –"When I turned to tell Tyler to hide behind a large bush in our neighbour's landscaping, he was already gone. I peered down the street, thinking I'd see him running, but he wasn't. Maybe he was already one step ahead of me and hiding behind the bush. I ducked down, thinking I'd see his feet but I couldn't.

"Stella, what are you doing?" Lindsey's voice erupted at its full pitch behind me.

"Hey, oh nothing I just thought I saw a chipmunk run in there."

"A chipmunk! OME they're so cute! Where'd it go?" Lindsey ducked her head down and walked towards the bush. I clutched on to her backpack and pulled her back.

"It's gone, I don't think it was even a chipmunk, probably just a mouse or something." My fingers dug into the bag, willing her to just forget about it and go inside.

"Whatever. Hey, hands off the merchandise! This took me forever to make." She removed her backpack from her back and held it to her chest. "Ugh, Stella! Look at all the sparkles on the road. Now I have to go put some more on!" She whined, shot me a dirty look and stomped her way up the driveway and into the house.

I skipped into the middle of the road, looking left, then right, then left again, hoping to see a trace of Tyler. I even whispered his name like someone calling for their lost dog, hoping he'd pop up somewhere if you just called their name with enough enthusiasm. I decided to give up, head inside and let Lindsey know what was going on. I dreaded interrupting her as she feverishly sprinkled sparkles over the white squares on her backpack, which were supposed to be representations pieces of Edward Cullen's skin. She'd be in full on, angry fan-girl mode, which was way worse than just regular fan-girling. A pissed off fan-girl is a dangerous fan-girl. By confronting her at such a time, I was risking my life. But, it had to be done.

Upon entering Lindsey's room, newspaper, a shoe box full of art supplies and her beloved backpack were already set in place on her bed as she rummaged through her closet. Although I couldn't see her, the shoes and pants flying out of the closet at full force let me know she was in there. It was either that, or we've got a poltergeist on our hands.

"Ugh, where is the glue?" Oh, it was definitely Lindsey, screeching her disdain to the world.

"Mom was using it to fix the binding on a book the other night." I said. There was a big thump, then Lindsey appeared on her hands and knees, with one hand on her heart as she exaggeratedly caught her breath.

"Don't ever do that again! I thought you were outside in the middle of the street looking for the chipmunk that wasn't really there. You should go to therapy." She advised as she rose up from the floor.

"Thanks, I'll consider it." I said sarcastically. "Listen, I need to talk to you."

"It can wait, I'm busy." Here comes the hostility. Fan girls are so unreasonable when they're angry.

"It really can't though, this is urgent."

"Urgent? Really? You want to talk about urgency, Stella?" She took long, slow steps towards me as she huffed and puffed through her words. "Look!" She whipped her arm out, stiffly pointing her hand to her bed and the bag I'd supposedly ruined. "Do you see that? It's supposed to be blinding, but thanks to your grubby hands, it's barely a twinkle! I have school tomorrow, if I don't do this now then the glue won't be dry enough and I can't use it. I can't go a day without my bag, Stella! Think about my education!"

"This will just take a minute."

"I do not have sixty seconds of my life to spare right now. I need to find the glue. The day I become immortal I'll spare all the minutes of time for you and your 'urgencies'."

"Tyler's coming over for dinner." I blurted as she shouldered me to get to the door. Lindsey stopped and turned to face me. Her eyes were wide and her jaw slowly began to widen. Her chest began to rise as she inhaled.

"No, no, no!" I muttered, hoping to stop the massacre of my hearing. It was too late, she'd already begun the scream, a high pitched, trilling sound from the pits of hell that went on longer than naturally possible. I felt horrible for any dogs within a fifty mile radius.

"Stella! OME!" She said excitedly, followed by another, shocked 'OME' as she hurried to the mirror and held her hair out at either side of her head. "I look like a beast! How much time do I have?"

"He's coming at six."

"THREE HOURS? Stella, that's not enough! I need more time!"

"You look fine. Lindsey, I need you to listen to me, please. Tyler is really important to me and I need you to not be crazy for just one night, please. I'm begging."

"I'm not crazy, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not the one in the middle of the street looking for imaginary rodents."

"Just don't bring up Twilight, okay. No lectures on Bella and Edward's love, no Twilight references when you pour yourself a glass of fruit punch or wishing out loud that the beef ravioli was mushroom ravioli. And don't ask him questions about it either. And please, for the love of all that is good in this world, do not call him Edward." Lindsey tapped her foot and rolled her eyes as I listed off my instructions.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, I won't be openly passionate about something I love. No matter how soul crushing it is, I'll do it, because I know it's important to you. Now if you don't mind, on top of fixing my bag, I now have to shower and curl my hair. Do you still have that blue dress with the ruffled neckline?"

"I have a blue dress with a ruffled neckline?"

"Yeah, you know the one you wore to that cousin's wedding, what's her name...the wedding was outside. Remember?" She asked as she searched through her closet.

"Carol?"

"That's the one!"

"Carol's our only cousin on mom's side. How could you not remember her?"

"Here it is!" She said, pulling out the dress in question. I guess that answers why I didn't remember it, she had it. "What do you think?"

"It's nice. A little dressy for dinner though, don't you think?"

"It's a sun dress."

"Yeah, in the middle of October."

"I don't have any other blue dresses." She said as she held the dress up to herself in the mirror, turning her head from side to side. It seemed to fit her body, even though she's significantly thinner than I am. I remembered now, that she asked my mom to shrink something for her during the summer and even came to me with it on, and I hadn't even recognized it as mine. I wasn't a fan of it anyway, I kept pulling it down all night at the wedding, in fear it was too short.

"You have that cute black one, with the puff sleeves. You could pair it with a cardigan, that's weather appropriate." I was impressed with how well I was putting an outfit together for her, maybe the fashion genes were starting to rub off on me.

"No, I wore that outfit last Tuesday." She huffed, still fiddling with the blue dress. At least my memory is still intact. "I don't have any other blue clothes that are nice."

"You don't have to wear blue, Linds."

"Yes I do." She grunted. "You wouldn't understand. What are you wearing?"

I looked down at my current outfit, consisting of dark denim jeans and a white, graphic t-shirt featuring James Dean's face.

"This." I shrugged. Lindsey chuckled. "I like this outfit, okay? Plus, I don't have to go out of my way to impress him, he likes me just fine, James Dean and all."

"Whatever makes you sleep better at night..." She mumbled as she passed by me and disappeared into the bathroom.

Lindsey's attitude towards Tyler coming to dinner was making me nervous, not only for how she would act around him but also because she was going out of her way to try to impress him and he wasn't even coming here for her, he was coming for me. Shouldn't I be buzzing around the house trying to look my best, too? I eyed a curling iron Lindsey had on her dresser and wondered if I should put at least a little effort into my appearance tonight by curling my hair. I sighed and trudge over to the iron to turn it on, knowing I'd be wasting the next forty minutes primping and curling. This better pay off.

As I primped and scrunched my head of wavy curls and showered it with a few squirts of hairspray, Lindsey re-entered her room with the blow drier in hand and a new look of determination. She was on a mission, and I did not want to be here when she was on it. I heard the garage door slam to a close and took that as my cue to leave.

Zack was kicking off his sneakers in the foyer, along with Bryce. I grunted to myself, knowing that Bryce would most likely be here for dinner, whose appetite would account for the bulk of the food at dinner, plus anything remaining in the fridge. It also meant that a seventh chair would be added to the table, shattering my little day dream of Tyler filling the sixth chair to complete the tablet set. Maybe this was a bad omen, that I should call Tyler and cancel. Checking the time, it was already almost five o'clock. It felt too late to cancel, plus I really did want him to meet my parents, even if it meant it happened in the middle of chaos.

I hopped down the stairs after Zack and Bryce, who already had his head poking through the fridge downstairs. Zack heard me behind him and nodded at me.

"Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked. Bryce's head rose from the depths of our refrigerator. He then walked over to Zack and I, throwing an arm around Zack's shoulders while chomping on a slice of left over pizza.

"What's going on, Stel?" Bryce said, the pizza in his mouth swirling from side to side.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked. Bryce's face lit up and he smiled wide, revealing more of the chewed up pizza.

"Well, if you insist!" He exclaimed. I think I just invited him to dinner?

"Okay then. Listen, I'm having someone over for dinner –"

"Is it that Jessica chick? She's hot." Bryce interrupted.

"No, it's not Jessica. It's..." I wanted so badly to just say 'hey, my boyfriend is coming over for dinner' but I just couldn't do it. It felt so weird to say that to my brother, plus Bryce who is a piece of work all on his own.

"Spit it out." Zack urged.

"My friend Tyler is coming over for dinner. I just wanted to let you know, so you know, you can be nice and such."

"You invited a dude over for dinner? That's a first. Is he important?" Zack asked.

"Yeah, he is."

"Okay, we'll be on our best behaviour." Zack assured.

"Scout's honour!" Bryce said, placing a fist over his heart. I nodded and went upstairs, just in time to meet my parents coming through the front door.

My dad struggled through the doorway carrying a large box which I assumed was full of books, most likely new arrivals from a collector he worked with to get old, used and rare books. I hurried to place my hands underneath the box and helped him lower it gently to the floor. My mom came in after him with a tray of coffee in her hand.

"Thanks hon." My dad said as he stretched his back.

"Sure. Um, do you guys mind if I have someone over for dinner tonight?" I asked.

"Of course not, you know Jessica is always welcome." My mom said as she hung her coat in the closet. I grunted. Why does everyone assume it's Jessica?

"It's not Jessica. His name is Tyler."

"A boy?" My dad asked, like I just told them I'd be bringing an axe murderer with the swine flu over for dinner.

"A boy!" My mom exclaimed, throwing her arms around me. "Stella, this is so exciting! Oh, I have to cook! What do I cook?" She hurried up the stairs in a flurry, mumbling to herself about this recipe and that one. My dad stared me down with a hand on his hip.

"A boy, huh?" He says again.

"Yep...he collects books, old ones like you." I mentioned, hoping to win Tyler some points.

"Does he now? Hm. Are you two, you know?" He tapped his fingers together.

"Dating? Yes, dad, we're dating."

"And you really like this feller?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'll be on my best behaviour." He said, straightening the lapels of his suit jacket. "He better be ready for some hard hitting questions." He said with a chuckle. Then he patted me on the shoulder and went upstairs, announcing he'd whip up his famous scalloped potatoes.

As time ticked away and the aroma of food cooking filled the house, anxiety began to build and eat away at me. I sat on the stairs, staring at the door as I waited for Tyler's knock to come through from the other side. Zack and Bryce zipped past me when the delicious smells drifted their way so that they could get first dibs on whatever was on the table. I was too nervous to think about eating. Out of nowhere, my mom whipped out a whole chicken and decided to oven roast it, along with a platter of rice, salad, Dad's potatoes and a cheesecake she had in the freezer. She even had Zack and Bryce cutting cheese and placing them on crackers for an appetizer. There was so much commotion going on behind me that I could barely focus on my own thoughts. I began to feel so isolated and distanced from it all, off in my own little world where none of this was happening, it was just me outside somewhere on a crisp October morning, laying in the grass and staring at the sky.

My foot started to tap as the anxiety built even more. I checked the time on my phone, noticing that it was a few minutes past six. It's not a big deal, he's not late. I just wanted him to be here so we could get tonight over with. I've conjured up this nightmare of a night in my mind, one that I wanted to prove wrong. But the more I thought about Tyler being here, I knew that even if my dad grilled him with questions, if Zack and Bryce teased and pestered him, if my mom gushed over him and if Lindsey does numerous Twilight related things, if he's there holding my hand under the table then the rest of it really won't even matter.

Three knocks echoed through the door, sending my heart pounding into overdrive. It was him. He was here, standing just a few steps away on the other side of the door. I heard My mom, Zack, Bryce and my dad shuffle into view so that they could see our anxiously awaited guest. I rose from the steps and made my way to the door, taking in a deep breath. I could already smell him, his scent so strong it made me shiver. When I opened the door all of my anxiety melted away at the sight of him standing in front of me, dressed in jeans and a black blazer over a white t-shirt with two bouquets of flowers in his gloved hands, one of white roses and the other multi-coloured daisies. He smiled at me and gave a slight nod, as if to tell me it would all be alright. I had the greatest urge to step outside and close the door behind me, to tell him to take me out somewhere, but I could feel the burning stares of my family behind me and knew I couldn't. I bit down on my bottom lip and stepped aside to reveal Tyler, my boyfriend.

His eyes stayed on mine, not even fleeting to above the stairs where my family stood. He closed the door behind him and then leaned into me to kiss my cheek.

"It's going to be okay." He whispered in my ear, placing a second kiss on my cheek.

"These are for you." He said, presenting me with the roses.

"Thanks, they're really pretty." I said, pressing my nose to their petals to smell them. They didn't smell much like roses. All I could smell was Tyler. He looked up the stairs to my parents and waved.

"Hello." He greeted them, then placed his hand on my elbow to lead me upstairs.

We both stepped up the first step when we heard clacking coming our way. Lindsey appeared in the blue dress she picked out earlier, paired with a cream coloured cardigan and black Mary Jane's. Her hair was curled to perfection, parted in the middle with two strands clipped back. Tyler and I continued up the steps.

"Hi, you must be Tyler. I'm Lindsey." She said as she clacked her way to us at the top of the stairs. She held a hand out to him and Tyler politely shook it.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Lindsey."

Lindsey stared up at him with bewilderment, her jaw slowly dropping as she took in the colour of his eyes, or rather, his contact lenses. She looked at me, her smile creeping up her cheeks. I gave her a warning look, praying she wouldn't mention his eyes.

"Is it chilly outside?" She asked, nodding to his gloved hands.

"Yes, a bit. My hands are still cold." He answered. Tyler looked up at the rest of my family and made his way towards Zack.

"You must be Zack." He said as he extended a hand to my brother.

"Yeah, how's it goin'?" Zack asked, slapping his hand into Tyler's and shaking aggressively.

"Very well, thank you. And you are?" Tyler asked, moving down the line to Bryce.

"Name's Bryce, I'm like the second brother from another mother." Bryce explained in his own, colourful way as he too slapped a hand into Tyler's and shook it. Next in line was my mom, who could barely contain herself.

"Mrs. Swift, it is so lovely to meet you." Tyler said, again extending his hand and handing my mom the bouquet of daisies. My mom put them to her nose, then looked up at Tyler and smiled.

"Oh, come here and give me a hug!" My mom exclaimed as she let out a little wiggle and then threw her arms around Tyler, giving him a big squeeze. I felt so embarrassed for Tyler, but mostly for myself. I was so ready to whip out the shovel and start digging myself a hole in the backyard, because I was surely going to die of shame by the end of all of this. Tyler moved on to my Dad, who tried to appear big and manly as he held out his hand to meet Tyler's.

"Nice to meet you, Tyler."

"Likewise, sir." Tyler said.

It was all very formal and so very fake. My family has never behaved this way before, especially with all of them in a line ready to greet the newcomer. I worried about what dinner would be like, whether it would be stiff and awkward. Tyler returned to my side and placed a gentle hand on my back that calmed my nerves.

"Come on, have a seat dear!" My mom slipped her hand into Tyler's elbow and lead him to the chair next to the head of the table in front of the patio door, where my dad would sit. I quickly followed, claiming the chair next to Tyler's. Lindsey click-clacked to the chair across from Tyler, with my mom wedged in an extra chair between Lindsey and Bryce, and Zack claiming the opposite head of the table.

Dinner was already set at the table, with the chicken sliced in the middle, the rice to the right of it and Dad's scalloped potatoes to the left, along with a salad carelessly placed in between my plate and Zack's.

"Okay, dig in!" My mom instructed.

Bryce was one step ahead of her, with a scoop of rice already in his plate. We were all picking up a scoop here and a slice there of what was on the table, all of us except for Tyler. He eyed the food for a minute, his mouth scrunching together. I swiped my thumb across his elbow to get his attention subtly, and nudged towards the food. He smiled and helped himself to the potatoes, then a slice of the chicken. He poked at it first before finally taking a bite. He swallowed slowly, as if he just took in a mouthful of rusted nails.

"These potatoes are magnificent!" He said. It didn't look like they were magnificent from where I was sitting.

"Thank you, Tyler!" My dad said. He put his fork and knife down and squeezed Tyler's shoulder.

"So, Stella tells me you own a bookstore in town." Tyler began.

"That's correct. It's just a little shop my wife and I manage together. We've got lots of great treasures in there."

"I haven't had the chance to stop by, but I'd love to see what you have. I love books, I have quite the collection and am always looking to add to it."

"You should stop by. We'll give you a discount, since you know out Stella." My dad said, making a point to wink at me.

"That's very generous of you. I have a few manuscripts I'm looking to re-home, actually. Perhaps you'd be interested?"

"What have you got?"

"I'm not sure how much it would be worth, but I have a first edition copy of Thomas Gray's '_An Elegy Wrote in a Country Church Yard_'. It is a piece I hold very dear, and have been searching for the right hands to place it in." When I heard Tyler utter the title, I knew my dad would be extremely interested. It was a piece of literature he's been talking about for as long as I can remember. It's been a favourite of his since he first read it when he attended Acadia University and majored in English. While the poem can be accessed in libraries and online, he always wanted to own a first edition. I never understood the importance, if it were me I'd just print it out. In fact, I did just that one year for his birthday, and bound it in a distressed, green leather cover to make it look old. He appreciated it greatly, but it's not his beloved first edition.

"You have a first edition of Thomas Gray?" My dad asked. "How on Earth did you manage to get your hands on that?"

"It was a gift from my father years ago."

"That is one expensive and valuable piece of literature. Are you sure you want to sell it?" My dad asked, although he was only being polite. I knew he was already clearing a display case in the store just for the first edition Thomas Gray.

"I'm positive. _'Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere, Heav'n did a recompense as largely send; He gave to Mis'ry all he had, a tear, he gain'd from Heaven ('twas all he wish'd) a friend.' _See, I've read it so many times it's committed to memory." Tyler said light-heartedly after reciting a verse from the poem my dad loved so much. My dad's eyes watered, tears so close to breaking through the corners of his brown eyes.

"How much are you asking for it?" My dad asked.

"It's a gift."

"I couldn't possibly accept..." My dad's face brightened at the thought of getting this gem as a gift.

"I insist. I can't put a cost on finding it an owner who will appreciate it." Tyler said, as if he were re-homing a dog, a beloved member of the family that he can no longer keep.

"Did you hear that, Helen? The boy is giving me Thomas Gray! Thomas Gray!" My dad cheered to my mom.

"I heard him, honey. That's just wonderful, isn't he wonderful?" My mom nudged Lindsey.

I smiled widely before taking another bite of potatoes, which were heaven. I was so impressed with how well things were going and how great Tyler was with my family. Tonight couldn't be any more perfect. It amazed me that out of all of the things he could have brought up, he offered to give my dad a first edition of his favourite poem, free of charge. And just when I thought I couldn't be happier, he slipped his hand into mine underneath the table, just like I'd imagined it.

"So, Tyler," Lindsey said, interrupting the perfection of this dinner. I glanced at Zack who was also anticipating the subject of her conversation. "you seem to be well versed in old things, judging by the fact that you just quoted some guy who's probably ash by now. Tell me, ever come across the Spanish influenza in your lifetime?"

I slapped a hand to my forehead, knowing very well what she was trying to do. Edward Cullen had the Spanish influenza. I shook my head angrily, more so at the fact that she went against everything I pleaded with her to do. Tyler choked on the water he just took a sip of.

"Um, no I can't say that I have." He said as he lowered his glass to the table, his hand remaining lightly cupping it.

"How do you feel about mountain lions?" Lindsey asked.

"I've never really given mountain lions much thought, to be honest."

"I see. You haven't touched your chicken. Are you a vegetarian?" Lindsey leaned her head towards him swiftly, like some horrible detective hoping to get a confession from an innocent suspect.

"I am, actually. But, I didn't want to be rude and refuse the lovely dinner your mother prepared."

"Oh, that's very kind of you Tyler, but don't go bending your beliefs for me." My mom stepped in. I hoped she'd take over the conversation and curb Lindsey's Twilight questions.

"Interesting." Lindsey mumbled. "Do you know any Italian?"

"Si, ho studiato l'Italiano un po'." Tyler answered impressively.

"Right, I'll take that as a yes. So you know what 'bella' is then?"

"Yes."

"It's a nice name, hm?"

"It is."

"Would you say you're a fast runner?"

"I suppose so."

"How fast?" Lindsey persisted.

"Uh, I'm not sure..."

"Uh, so, Tyler, are you into any sports?" Zack jumped in. Thank goodness.

"I enjoy baseball. My family likes to play every so often." Tyler's answer made Lindsey almost shoot out of her seat.

"What do your parents do?" My mom asked, cutting Lindsey off from making an even bigger fool of herself.

"My father is a doctor and my mother is a home maker."

"Oh, how nice." My mom smiled sweetly, placing both of her hands on top of each other on the table in front of her plate.

"Tyler's family is moving here, actually." I said.

"Your father wouldn't happen to be Carl McCulley?" My dad asked.

"He is."

"Well how about that?" My dad turned to my mom. "Pete came into the store today, saying they got a new doctor up in Kentville. What a small world." My dad said, piercing a piece of chicken.

Pete, a local fisherman, is always coming into the bookstore with the good gossip about people in town. It gets annoying after a while, but you sympathize with the old man, knowing he's pretty much alone since his wife died after having battled cancer for years. He always stinks too, like rain and fish. Just the thought of it made me wrinkle my nose. Anyway, if anyone would know firsthand who's coming and who's leaving town, it's Pete.

"It certainly is a very small world." Lindsey said sarcastically. I took it upon myself to kick her underneath the table. She yelped, but got the message.

"So, how long have you known my sister?" Zack asked.

"Not very long, I'll admit. But she's certainly made an impression on me." Tyler answered. My mom rested her chin on her hand and sighed, smitten as she stared at Tyler.

"You hear that, Stel? You left an impression on the man." Bryce said as he ripped into a piece of bread. Zack leaned towards me.

"Do I want to know what kind of impression you left?" He whispered.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, it's not that kind of impression." I scolded. Zack rose his hands in surrender and backed off. I could feel Tyler's thumb moving back and forth on the back of my hand, burning tingles into my skin.

Lindsey began collecting plates and piling one on top of the other in front of her. Then she rose up from the table and placed the pile in the sink. She returned to pick up the glasses, carrying more than she should be. She spilt water on the floor on the way to the sink.

"Oops!" She said, swivelling around the puddle and placing the glasses in the sink. She returned to the table, ignoring the spill, and picked up the remaining two glasses. Tyler eyed her footing and, realizing how dangerously close her click-clack heels could get to the puddle, swiftly plucked a napkin from the table and hurried to wipe the spill.

As Tyler passed behind me, Lindsey took a step back, swivelled in her heel and stepped towards the sink, only to teeter backwards. The glasses shattered against the tiled floor, the water sent in sharp spikes with the shards of glass underneath my feet. When I looked to my right, Tyler was holding Lindsey, with his hands under her arms to keep her from the ground and the many sharp pieces of glass. He then carefully moved his left arm under her legs and carried her away from the broken glass, placing her on her feet behind me. They both stared at each other for a moment as the rest of us watched in silence. Lindsey looked both terrified and astonished, while Tyler just looked guilty. It was like they mutually understood something out of all of this. Tyler then looked down at his hands as if everything that was wrong in this world was their fault.

"Excuse me." Tyler said before turning into the hallway.

The closing of the bathroom door broke the silence in the kitchen. My mom got up from her seat to look for a broom while Zack, Bryce and my dad tried to soak the water up in napkins and collect the larger shards of glass. The water was running in the bathroom for a long time. I decided to sneak away and wait for Tyler outside of the bathroom. The water was still running as I stood outside of the bathroom door. After a minute or two it finally shut off and Tyler appeared in the doorway. He smiled and stepped towards me, placing his hands on my cheeks. His hands were warm, really warm. He then left a kiss on my forehead, his cool breath staining my skin, before he walked back into the kitchen. I followed him and watched as he placed a hand on Lindsey's arm and asked her if she was okay. She nodded and stared at his hand on her arm like something was wrong with it, but then quickly shook her head and returned to her perky, insane self as she turned from side to side to make her blue dress flow at the bottom.

"Do you like my dress?" She asked, a flirtatious smile playing about her lips.

"It's pretty. Blue is my favourite color." Tyler responded. Lindsey smiled wider.

Everything was back to normal in the minute after Tyler came out of the bathroom. It was so strange, like I was sucked into the twilight zone and the last five minutes never happened. I checked the time on the stove, expecting to see that it was 7:46 PM again, and not 7:53 PM like it was.

"Hey man, nice save!" Zack patted Tyler on the back and started talking about reflexes and how a guy with good reflexes would be great on the football team, that all Tyler would need to do is bulk up a bit. Tyler kindly refused, saying that he wasn't much into aggressive sports. Zack respected his answer, and moved on to other topics of conversation, like what kind of car he drove and what girls in Washington were like.

My dad wiggled in to the conversation circle formed around Tyler and continued talking about old pieces of literature that he would love to get his hands on, most of which Tyler said he owned and would be happy to show him. Then my mom got into it and asked him about his family, which Tyler spoke very highly of. It was like he was a magician, pulling the magical answer to every question thrown at him. What was even more incredible is that he was being completely honest, he really was that incredibly amazing that he was all of these things in one. I wondered how on Earth I got so lucky, that a guy like this would just plop into my world and gravitate straight for me at first glance. I would like to think that this was fate, that luck finally decided to shine its luck on me, but I couldn't help but be a little sceptical. Nothing is perfect. Everything and everyone has a flaw.

* * *

**A/N:** Another lengthy chapter, I was going to split it up but then decided against it. The McCulley's (ehm ehm) will be in the picture very soon. The ending to the chapter I'm kind of on the fence for, since I sort of just wrote it... It's been a busy weekend and i didn't get a chance to write much. The title is from a song called So Contagious by Acceptance, which I think is _the_ song to explain how Stella feels about Tyler, and even the other way around. Important news: I just got a twitter for my fanfiction account, so I'll be tweeting sneek peaks and what not on there, and could definitely use your help along the way with what should happen next so feel free to tweet me with what you think should happen or about anything at all. My username on Twitter is JoanneDff , I'd love it if you followed me :) And finally, reviews are always welcome and greatly appreciated. Have a good week guys, and if you're starting school (bummerrr, I know) have a great year!!!


	11. Never Think

**10. Never Think**

I hadn't seen much of Tyler since he met my family Tuesday night. He'd been helping his family move into their new home, the location of which I still don't know. He says it's a surprise. I'm not sure why, it's not like I'll be living there or something, but he insists I not see it until I meet his family on Saturday, when the house will be fully furnished and ready for guests. I could picture Tyler and I alone in an empty house, laying on the living room floor, our voices echoing off of the empty walls. Then his family of six walks in on us with boxes and furniture and taints everything with style and feng shui.

Oh God, his family, which I'll be meeting in a few days. Just the thought of it made me queasy. I wondered what they were like, if they were anything like Tyler. I assumed he'd be the odd one out, he's just so different. They couldn't all be that well rounded and beautiful. Tyler was a rarity, a diamond carved out of stone. Even so, when Tyler speaks of them, he makes them sound immaculate. I mean, with a doctor for a dad, a stay at home mom and siblings with such unique and bright personalities, how can anyone possibly measure up to that? How would I measure up to that?

They'd probably compare me to Tyler's ex-girlfriend, the one he says brought him back to life. I can't even imagine Tyler in such a dark place like he says he was in, a state that he'd need to be revived. It's just inconceivable to me that this risk taker could have been dead inside at one point. If he was, then this girl he was with must have been pretty darn special. Insecurity crept back as I conjured a picture of her in my mind, of this angelic beauty with long, brown hair that flowed in waves like a never ending, chocolate river, with perfect skin that glowed because it was so perfect, and with long, model legs and a slender body, with curves in all the right places. Her mental image haunted me, reminding me I can never be what she was for him. It was pretty depressing. Thinking about it just put me in a major slump.

Jessica keeps calling me, but I keep ignoring it. I'm not in the mood to listen to how wonderful Mike is, how he treats her like a queen, yet is like her best friend too, how she feels like she doesn't have to try so hard to impress him and that it's the greatest relationship of her life. I can't fake happiness right now. I shouldn't even have to fake it, I should be happy. I've got it pretty good. But insecurity is like the plague, it can kill even the strongest, happiest, brightest mood in seconds.

I don't try very hard for Tyler. Actually, I don't think I try at all. But to have a man of his calibre, shouldn't I be trying to impress him more? I mean, he seems to like me just fine, but maybe I should step it up. Maybe I should do my hair nicer, or dress better to match him, to attempt to compete with the image of his ex-girlfriend in my mind. But, that would go against everything I believed a relationship should be. If he can't love me at my worst, why should he get a chance with my best? And he seems to be doing pretty well with my everyday self. I'm probably just over-analyzing this entire thing. I have too much time on my hands, too much time to think things over and over until they become distorted.

I pushed my thoughts aside and just stared at my ceiling, focusing on the white paint. I forced myself not to blink, to let the ceiling move and morph into something else. It expanded and swayed, looking more like a thick goo than painted dry wall. I dove deeper and deeper until my eyes began to water, a tear falling from the corner of my eye and grazing my ear. When I blinked the ceiling became solid and flat again. I turned to my window quickly, doing a double take when I noticed something move. I squinted my eyes, trying to make out the figure, but it was too late. I stood up, stretched the blinds open with my fingers and scanned the backyard. It was too dark to see anything, but I searched anyway.

The feeling of eyes watching me washed over me, making me feel uncomfortable. I backed away from the window and left my room, speed walking down the hall and down the stairs to the living room next to the foyer. I kept my eyes on the stairs as I walked over to the couch by the window. I turned to sit down, making the mistake of looking out the window. Dane was standing directly outside of the window, soaking wet and in the dark, with a palm pressed up against the glass. His body was blurred in the window because of the rain, but I could tell he wasn't wearing a shirt, just the black sweat pants he always wears. I tripped over my own feet at the sight of him, landing on my butt on the floor. Even after the loud thump of my fall, no one came to see what had happened. Nice.

I got up and opened the front door for Dane, but he wouldn't come in. He just stood there in front of my porch in the pouring rain, not saying a word, just dripping water in silence.

"Dane? Come inside, it's freezing. You'll get sick." I held my hand out, hoping he'd take it and get out of the rain.

"Stella, I don't –" He began, his voice sad and pleading. "I can't stay." He lowered his head, then looked out to the road. His bike wasn't here, and other than the neighbour's car, there were no other vehicles in the road. I didn't know how he got here, or why he wasn't wearing any clothes, but I didn't bother to question it, I just wanted to get him inside before he got himself sick.

"Get inside, now." I stepped out on to the porch to grab him, only he grabbed me first. His large hands gripped my arms, pulling me close to him, his drenched chest and clothes squishing between us and soaking into me. His grip was rough and firm, desperate. He breathed heavily before pushing his scolding hot lips onto mine, forcing my lips to part. He kissed me roughly for a minute, pressing harder again, darting his tongue in my mouth as if he were searching for something. I just remained in his grip, lifeless and shocked at what was happening. This was Dane, the boy I grew up with, someone I was like a sister to. This was just so wrong. But I couldn't reject him, even though I wanted to, I didn't want to hurt him in his moment of desperation. Once he let me go, we could figure this out, but right now, for whatever reason, he needed this.

Finally, Dane released his grip on me. I stepped away from him, into the doorway. Dane was breathing heavily, his head drooping towards the ground. He licked his lips, shaking his head continuously.

"I'm sorry, I just needed to try. I – Jesus I'm in idiot." He mumbled, still looking down at the ground. "You probably think....shit."

"It's alright..." I said, trying to be supportive and sympathetic, even though I felt strangely violated.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I can't even – even if I did, you wouldn't – " He kept going on like that, starting to say something but then stopping, because I couldn't or wouldn't something.

"Try." I pleaded. "You haven't even tried to explain anything since we started talking again. Try this time. You owe me that much."

"Stella." He looked up at me this time.

"Come inside, Dane. Please. Or at least on the porch so you're out of the rain."

Dane stepped up on to the porch and stood on the opposite side from where I was standing.

"The kiss, it wasn't what you think. I'm not into you. I mean, I love you and you're an amazing girl, but –"

"I get it." I laughed, relieved that my best friend wasn't in love with me.

"This might not make any sense to you, but it's all I can say. There's this girl, her name's Sophia. She used to live on the res, but her parents split and she moved away, but now she's back."

"I remember her, I think. She moved to Toronto, right?"

"Yeah, that's her. Anyway, I saw her for the first time today and it's like, I don't know. Like anything I ever loved or cared about doesn't even compare, like she's the only thing that matters. I just wanted to run up to her and hold her, take care of her, be with her... I really believed I was in love with her. But then I thought, it can't be that easy, like love's not a switch that just flicks on when you see somebody. But, Jesus I just ache for her. But then I'm like, how do I know for sure? How do I know that's what it is? So then I thought, the closest I've ever gotten to love was you. I won't lie, during those pubescent years I had a bit of a crush on you. So I figured, if I go back to what love was for me, if I throw myself into it and remind myself what it actually is, I'll know for sure if Sophia's the real deal. But then I got here, watched you come down the stairs and remembered all the crap I put you through, and it's like, do I want to put her through it? Can I really be that selfish? I was going to leave, but then you saw me and it was too late to turn back and go home. So I did what I came here to do, to figure out if Sophia's the one."

I let what Dane said sink in before responding. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved that he wasn't kissing me because was in love with me, or to be offended because he used me to make sure he was in love with someone else. I figured the former was better than the latter, but still, knowing you're being used kind of stings.

"And? What are the results?" I asked out of curiosity.

"I think she's it. Not that I don't love you, because you know I do. But, Sophia...I can't even explain it Stel. It just takes over my mind, my body, everything. Like something is latched to my guts and pulling me to her." As he explained what he felt when he saw Sophia, I smiled, knowing that I related to that feeling so much.

"I get it, you know. You may think I won't understand things, but I do. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but that's what I feel whenever I'm with Tyler." Dane rolled his eyes.

"Let's not ruin this, k?" He said as he folded his arms across his bare chest.

"Why aren't you wearing any clothes?" I asked.

"You –" I cut him off, knowing already what he was going to say.

" – wouldn't understand, I know."

"I should go. Thanks for everything." He stepped towards me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I smiled and watched him walk into the pouring rain until I couldn't see him anymore. I didn't know why he was practically naked in the rain, why he was walking in it or how he possibly made it to my house on foot from the reservation, but something told me not to ask, to just let it go because even if I did ask I wouldn't get an answer. It's just one of those things you don't bother questioning, like God or aliens, because the answer is never going to be straight forward, or even the truth.

That night I returned to my room and climbed into bed with the feeling of being watched burning stronger than ever. I turned away from the window and hid under the covers, pulling it over my head to ignore the eyes I just knew were outside of my window, watching me. I eventually fell asleep and had more Twilight dreams, with Tyler as Edward again. The first was like ones I had before, of he and I talking in the meadow. It got so intense at one point that I woke up in a cold sweat, streams of the stuff dripping down my face.

In the dream it was summer time, although the sun was hidden. The meadow was alive with tall, green grass and flowers here and there. Edward and I were sitting in the grass and he was kissing me with one hand on the back of my head, curved to its shape. He gently laid me down in the grass, his body hovering over me so he wouldn't crush me. I pressed my hands into his back, telling him to lower his body on to mine, but he wouldn't budge. I just wanted to feel the coolness, to feel skin touching that's never been exposed to the others temperature before. I pulled his shirt up, throwing it behind me. Edward ran his hand under my shirt, pressing it to my stomach and making me quiver. His kisses travelled up my arm to my collarbone, my neck, my mouth.

"Are you sure?" He asked. I nodded. "I'm afraid." He whispered, raising his body above mine even further.

"It'll be okay. I trust you." I reassured. He nodded, willing to try, sending trails of kisses burning into my neck. That's when I woke up. I was panting like crazy. I had to switch sides on my bed since I drenched my usual side by the window with my sweat.

The last dream I had was so strange, I couldn't even begin to explain it with a dream dictionary. I had full control of myself in this one. I was in a tiny, old looking video store with Edward. He came up to me, wearing a pale blue blazer and flared pants with a copy of The Last Waltz in his hands.

"Bella, I found it!" He said, holding it up for me to see. I looked at him strangely, eyeing his clothes and the movie in his hands. He walked over to the counter where a young girl, probably seventeen, was smacking her gum. She stood up straight, shoved the gum to the back of her mouth and smiled at the sight of Edward. She was wearing a long sleeved blouse and high wasted, belted pants. There was a calendar on the desk, claiming the date was September of 1978. Edward disappeared into the snack isle, leaving me at the counter with the hippie girl.

"Can I ask you something?" She leans over the counter. I nod. "Is your son seeing anyone?"

My son? What? I just stare at her as she smacks her gum and eyes Edward like a piece of meat she'd love to rip her teeth into. But more than that, why on Earth would she call him my son? Was I his mom in this dream? And why is it 1978? I turn to look out the window and see a middle-aged woman with flared pants and a button up shirt with longs sleeves and a ruffle at the neck. I look away, only to realize her head moved at the same time I did. I turn to face the window, realizing the woman is me. I walk towards it, examine the wrinkles that begin to branch out around my eyes and the deepened laugh lines around my mouth. I must be in my thirty, maybe even creeping close to forty. Then he appears behind me with a hand on my shoulder and says,

"You're just as beautiful as the first day I saw you." Then I woke up.

Thursday began like any other day, even after what happened with Dane last night and after the weird dreams, life still went on as per usual, and after a while Dane's kiss felt so minor. If anything, I should be glad he actually made the effort to explain something to me, after numerous time of hearing 'I can't tell you' and 'you wouldn't understand', he finally let me in a little. It doesn't explain what's happened to him, but it explained _something_. The dreams, on the other hand, completely baffled me. I'll never know what my subconscious is trying to tell me with every one of these whack Twilight dreams.

When I walked into my philosophy class, Sandy and her groupies were sitting in the third row as per usual, except this time Jessica wasn't with them. They all had their Twilight books out, with sticky notes jutting out of them. I remembered then that today was the vampire discussion. I rolled my eyes and dragged my feet up the steps to the back row, where Mike and Jessica weren't. Instead, they were in the corner, canoodling all over each other as if they were alone and not in a filling classroom. Sandy and the fang gang didn't even spare one glance in Jessica's general direction, they were too busy scouring their beloved books for vampire facts. So, I took my usual spot alone today, strumming my fingers on the little desk as I waited for Tyler to get here. Students scuffled through the door, the professor came and even wasted ten minutes emptying the contents of his bag on to his desk before beginning the discussion, and still no Tyler. Class began and we discussed the un-dead, a class full of many Twilight references and even readings from the books to explain points further. And even more bizarre, the professor went with it. I couldn't wait to get out of there, to be done with school for the week and just relax for a few days. Of course, that conjured up a different anxiety when I realized this brought me closer to Saturday, the day I'd be meeting Tyler's family.

I hated meeting parents, even when I met Jessica's parents I was freaking out. It's just so awkward and there's questions and all that getting to know you stuff that's just such a hassle. What's worse is I can't even consult with Jessica about this because she's too busy with her mouth suctioned to Mike's to even breathe let alone coax me through this.

I tried to calm myself by reminding myself that there was still another day and a half to get through before Saturday. Hopefully the minutes will tick by at a meandering pace and prepare me for the day to come. But, since luck seems to hate my guts, Friday arrived with a snap of my fingers and then zipped past me before I could blink my eyes twice; my very wide awake eyes. I couldn't sleep a wink all night. I just tossed and turned, forcing my eyes closed while thoughts ran marathons in my mind.

Saturday afternoon, Tyler was at my door promptly at two o'clock like we'd agreed. He was a bundle of excitement, not even his thick, grey pea coat could contain it. On the drive to his mystery house he continually told me how excited his family was to meet me, that his sister Allison had so much pent up energy and excitement that she went nuts decorating every room in the house so that it would be finished before I got there. His brothers, Jason and Emmery, were forced to help Allison, but even through their irritation they were equally as excited to meet me. He also warned me about his other sister, Rosa, who wasn't particularly thrilled about my arrival. Tyler assured me not to take it personally, that it just took her a while to warm up to people. His mom, May, has been baking all day for the occasion, with his dad, Carl, helping where he can. It seemed like they were going all out for this, which made me even more nervous for when I shatter every one of their expectations of me. I was glad Lindsey insisted she curl my hair, at least it was decent and looked like I made somewhat of an effort. I wasn't wearing anything special, just jeans and a t-shirt as per usual. Should I have dressed up? Whipped out the heels? Ugh, I just wanted to get this over with.

Tyler made a sharp turn into a gravel road that swerved left and right like a snake, then down a long bend and another curve until we reached his house. My jaw dropped at the size of this house and in amazement of its location in the middle of a forest not too far from Peck Meadow. It was incredible. It was a very modern home, not the ordinary boxy, rectangular homes you see you any residential street. This one had odd angles and shapes to it, and with so many windows you could see right through the front to the back. I couldn't see anyone inside at first, but then, one by one, his family appeared coming down the stairs and to the front living room. Tyler turned the car off and took my hand in his.

"It's going to be okay, they're going to love you." He said, caressing the back of my hand with his thumb. I nodded and stepped out of the car. Tyler met me on my side of the car, took my hand and led me to the door. We hadn't even raised our feet to step up the first step when someone already opened the door and came running towards me. Before I knew it, a body was slammed into mine, hugging me so hard I couldn't breathe.

"Alice!" Tyler called out, prying her arms from my neck. She stepped away and stared at me like she was about to cry. She had short, choppy hair like a pixie cut. She was petite and very fashionable, judging by her outfit. She wore dark denim skinny jeans, black boots, a black t-shirt, a leather bomber jacket that definitely wasn't pleather, and a red and black plaid scarf tied loosely around her neck. Her hands were covered with black, suede gloves that fit perfectly to each of her slim fingers. Lindsey's been talking trends all season, something about leather jackets and plaid...this girl seemed to have all of that down. She was really pretty, in a sweet and innocent kind of way. Her skin was pale like Tyler's and she had the same contacts as he did. Maybe these two were biological siblings and the rest adoptive?

"I'm sorry, I'm just so excited to meet you!" She said, her smile wide and sweet.

"It's okay." I laughed. I liked her already. Something about her was familiar and just being around her made me feel light and happy, even a little giggly and girly. I just had this urge to link arms with her, stroll down the road and gossip. "I'm Stella." I introduced myself.

"Oh, I'm Allison." She said, looking to Tyler when she said her name. Tyler nodded subtly. "We're going to be great friends, I just know it!" She said, raising her shoulders. She turned to look behind her where a guy stood in the doorway and waved him over. He cautiously and stiffly stepped down to the front steps and put an arm around Allison. He had blonde, curly hair that stopped at his ears. His eyes were also the same golden colour. He was tall, wearing jeans and a black blazer over a green button up shirt.

"Hello Stella, it's a pleasure to finally meet you. I'm, uh,"

"Jason. This is my brother Jason." Tyler stepped in. Weird.

"It's a pleasure to meet you too." I said, borrowing his words. I noticed how he and Allison stood together, with his arm around her, bringing her into his side, and her hand on his chest.

"Are you guys together?" I blurted. Crap. Allison giggled and they both took in a deep breath.

"Yes, we are. It's really not that strange, we're not biologically related and we didn't exactly grow up together..." Allison tried to explain. I guess it made sense, I mean it's not incest or anything. But still, they lived together. I tried hard not to be judgemental and to just go with it, but it still seemed so odd. Whatever floats their boat, I guess.

"That's cool." I replied.

"Come in, I want to show you the house!" Allison took my hand and pull me up the stairs into the house.

It was gorgeous inside, wide open and very white. The floors and walls were white, the couches were a white leather, with a glass coffee table in the centre with a shiny black base. There were black and white paintings on the walls, black vases filled with white roses on accent tables. Everything was black and white; very classy and modern. There was an air of familiarity here. It didn't feel like I was walking into a house I've never been to, I felt very at home here. I had a hunch that if I walked up the stairs to my right leading to the second floor, I'd find some sort of study or library in front of the stairs, along with three bedrooms, guest rooms and a bathroom along either side of the hallway. How I knew this I wasn't sure. Was I thinking of a house I saw on an interior design show? Probably.

It smelled of cookies as we neared the kitchen towards the back of the house, around the wall hiding the stairs. In the kitchen, the rest of Tyler's family stood around the island in the middle of the room, which had a white base and a black, marble countertop.

Seeing Tyler together with his family was astonishing. They all had the same pale complexion, the same aura of perfection, even the same coloured contacts. That was weird. Maybe it was a family trend, some people get charm bracelets or rings, these people get coloured contacts. It's unique. Standing there in front of all of them together, I had an eerie sense that I knew them. It's like when you catch a glimpse of a familiar face but can't place where you've seen that person before. Only this time it was with six people, not just one. And it's not like they had ordinary faces, they were rather extraordinary, really. I guess I should be stunned by their beauty but it really doesn't faze me, it's just the feeling that I've seen them before that's irksome.

The woman I assumed to be his mother walked over to me, oven mitts still on her hands.

"Stella, it's so wonderful to meet you! Tyler lights up every time he speaks of you."

"Does he?" I laughed, glancing at Tyler. "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. McCulley."

"Oh please, call me May."

"Okay." I agreed.

"This is my husband, Carl." She said, reaching an arm behind her for the tall, blonde-haired man behind her. It was so blonde it practically blended into his skin.

"Hello Stella, welcome to our home." He said, wrapping an arm around May.

"Thanks, it's beautiful."

"Thank you!" Allison chirped from behind me. A muscular guy walked over to me, dressed much more casually than the others, opting for a cream coloured zip up sweater as opposed to a button up shirt.

"I'm Tyler's older brother, Emery. This is Rosa." He said, pushing forward a drop dead gorgeous girl. She was tall with a body that screamed perfection, and had long, luscious blonde hair. She belonged on a runway somewhere. It was so weird being around such pretty people, especially standing in front of Rosa. Everyone in Wolfeville is so ordinary compared to the McCulley's.

"Hi." Rosa said coldly, avoiding eye contact.

"Hey." I said meekly.

"We've got chocolate chip cookies in the oven, they should be ready soon." May stepped in.

"Oh, that's so nice of you. It smells amazing." I said. Tyler stood behind me, placing a hand on my lower back.

"Shall we go to the living room?" He said. He nodded and I followed him, along with the rest of his family.

"Are you hungry or thirsty?" Allison asked, linking an arm in mine.

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

"Come sit by me!" She said, pulling me towards the longer couch. Jason sat to the right of Allison and Tyler sat to the left of me. Emery and Rosa sat in the love seat and May took the single chair, with Carl perched on the arm rest.

"So, how has your life been?" Allison asked.

"Um..." I mumbled, surprised by such a heavy question. "It's been good?"

"What have you been doing? What do you like?" She continued.

"Allison." Tyler warned.

"Oh hush, I'm just trying to get to know her."

"It's okay, I don't mind the questions." I said. "I go to Acadia university, I'm an English major in my second year. I like to read and listen to music, just not both at the same time. I like seventies pop music, it's so upbeat it always puts me in a great mood. Like The Smiths, I love them. I like movies from back then too." I stopped myself, realizing I was rambling about oldies stuff that they probably didn't care for. They seemed to be so modern, how could they?

"That's so fascinating!" Allison said genuinely.

"What is your family like?" May asked.

"My dad owns a bookstore in town. He sells pretty much everything, but his real passion is for rare pieces of literature. My mom works with him and helps him manage the place. I have an older brother who's the jock of the family, he plays football for Acadia. Then there's my younger sister, Lindsey, who's obsessed with Twilight." They all gave each other apprehensive looks when I mentioned Twilight.

"Twilight, that's that popular, um, vampire book series, isn't it?" May asked.

"Yeah, I don't really see the fascination with it, though. I read the first book and it was good but I'm nowhere near as addicted and obsessed as some of these people out there." I explained, hoping they didn't think I was some die hard twi-hard.

"Yes, it has grown into quite the phenomenon, hasn't it?" Carl added. I nodded.

"Would you like to see the rest of the house?" Tyler asked out of the blue.

"Sure." I stood up with him and followed him to the stairs.

"I don't think it's her." Rosa whispered to Emery as Tyler and I walked up the stairs. I looked at her, wondering what she meant by that. Did she not think I was the one for Tyler? Allison caught me staring and quickly followed me up the stairs. She placed a hand on my back.

"Don't pay attention to Rose, she's just a bit snotty." She said, her voice slightly louder than a whisper. I nodded. Tyler turned around when we reached the top of the steps and lead me into the first room, which was a very large study. The walls were lined with shelves of books, some very old looking, others new. There was a desk with a flat screen monitor on it and files stacked behind it. There was a brown leather couch on the other side of the room with a book laying open on it. By the couch was an ancient looking cross leaning up against the wall.

"This is the Carl's study. He's still unpacking and organizing. It's the one room Allison wasn't allowed to touch." Tyler explained. I heard a humph behind me.

"It would look so much nicer with a few accent pieces, maybe a painting above the couch. But, he refuses to allow me to work my magic in here." Allison said. Tyler looked at Allison for a long time, then he coughed. Allison tilted her head back, letting out a breathy 'oh', as if something had just occurred to her.

"I'll be downstairs. We'll talk later, Stella." She said, squeezing my arm before she skipped down the steps.

"Sorry about her."

"Oh, don't be sorry. Allison is great, I really like her."

"I knew you would." Tyler said, leading me down the hall to the last door on the left. He opened it and let me go in first. Instead of walls, two giant bay windows met at the corner in the back of the house. The walls that weren't windows were painted a light gray, with one wall behind a shelving unit with all of his books and music. There were books everywhere, most ancient looking. There were records, actual vinyl records, piled up by the shelves. There was a long, black leather couch-like thing that didn't have arm rests. There was no bed. I figured it was like his chill out space, a place to be alone. I wished I had something this cool to retreat to at my house.

"This is my room." He said.

"Oh, like your room-room? The one you sleep in?" I asked. He chuckled a little.

"Yes, technically." He answered. I furrowed my brows, unsure what he tried to imply by 'technically' but whatever. He was just a mystery man, I knew it from the beginning. Lately when he says something strange like that I just accept it as who he is and what he does.

"It's cool. You have a lot of stuff."

"Yes. Ah, here's the Thomas Gray I told your father he can have." He reached for an old looking thing on the couch. The cover was a brown, distressed leather that began feathering at the edges. Tyler carefully opened the cover to reveal the large, printed pages. It looked ancient, the paper was brown. I was afraid to touch them, worried they'd crumble to dust at my slightest touch.

"My dad is going to freak out when he sees this." I said, carefully skimming my finger down the leather binding. "Your family is really great." I added. "It's funny how much alike you all are."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you all look alike. Even though you're adopted, you guys all have really pale skin. And the contacts, is that like a family bonding thing?"

"Our contacts?" He asked, having no idea what I was talking about.

"The colour of your contacts, you guys all have the same one."

"Oh, right. Yeah, it's a family thing..." He tensed up and looked nervous.

"I think it's cool. It's different." I said, trying to save myself from looking like an idiot. I looked at the window, reflexively walking towards it to check out the view. "I can't believe you guys live in a forest. It's so beautiful out here." Tyler came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"You have a forest behind your house, it's much of the same isn't it? Trees are trees."

"Sure, I have trees to look at from behind, but to my left I also have my neighbour's pesky kids running and screaming and to my right is my other neighbour's dog that barks non-stop. Here, you're completely surrounded and you don't have to worry about any of that stuff."

"You may be right, but if an axe murderer shows up we're doomed." Tyler breathed into my neck. I turned to face him, our lips brushing. He then parted my lips with his top lip, sucking on my bottom lip. I fisted my hand into his hair, pulling him closer. We continued kissing, each one becoming more passionate. I closed my eyes and began to feel like I was in a different place. We weren't here in his room, we weren't even in Wolfeville. I could feel grass tickling my ankles, a breeze flittering through my hair and his cold hands on me.

"I love you, Bella."

It was barely a whisper, but I swore I heard it. It was like an echo in the wind. Maybe I was making it up, even though it's a really messed up thing to just make up in my mind. I opened my eyes, looking at the packed shelves in front of me and feeling his cool lips on my neck. I shivered and pulled away. Tyler stepped away. I looked at him, questioning him with my stare. Was it him? Could he have said that?

"Stella?" He asked. It was definitely his voice I heard. Wasn't it?

"Sorry, I just zoned out, I guess..."I said, still watching him, expecting him to admit to it or something. It couldn't have been him. He must have said Stella, I just misunderstood. Even if he got my name right, telling me he loved me already was a lot to swallow. He looked confused. He didn't say it, my mind is playing tricks on me since I obviously didn't get much sleep last night.

"I'm just tired, I keep imagining things." I said, trying to laugh it off and lighten the mood.

"What kinds of things?" He asked.

"It's stupid, really. It's like when you fall asleep with the TV on, and then you start dreaming about whatever was on, except instead of TV it's a book."

"Are you dreaming about Twilight?" He asked. It was less like a question and more like an accusation, like he already knew.

"Yeah.."

Tyler stared at the ground for a long time, his brows furrowed. His mouth opened, then closed.

"Tyler?" I placed a hand on his arm.

"Stella, there's something –" Allison ripped through the door, cutting Tyler off.

"Tyler! Carl wants to see you in the study." She said, slinking her arm through Tyler's. "C'mon Stella, you can hang out with the rest of us downstairs."

We left Tyler at the top of the stairs and skipped down to the living room. We literally skipped. Allison is very perky, but of the tolerable variety. It was just enough without being annoying. May was in the living room with Emery and Rosa, talking to them about gardening and her plans for the landscaping.

"Stella, come sit, dear." May said, patting the space beside her on the longer couch.

"Thanks." I said as I took a seat. Allison sat next to me, her arm still linked in mine like an old friend. I didn't so much as hug Jessica, we didn't do hugs. But with Allison it was comfortable to be so close. I felt like I had this strong bond to her, meanwhile I've only just met her.

"We just love Wolfeville! It's such a delightful little town." Allison beamed.

"Yes, it's very quaint." May agreed.

"It's just like any other town we've ever lived in." Rosa said sourly.

"Do you miss Forks?" I asked. May gasped and Allison looked shocked. Rosa whispered a 'does she know?' to Emery.

"Tyler told you we're from Forks?" May asked.

"Yeah. Well it kind of slipped when he was telling me you guys were moving here. I hope that's okay?"

"Oh yes, perfectly fine. We just didn't know you knew we were from such a..._well known_ town. I suppose I miss it a little, but it was time for a change." May said.

"I can understand why you'd move. I'd hate it if tourists started crowding Wolfeville, snapping pictures and squealing over fictional beings."

"Yes, the attention became a bit much for us. Wolfeville is a nice change." May then stared at me for a long time, her eyes burrowing into mine. Her smile grew warmer and she tilted her head, like a mother seeing her newborn baby for the first time. Then she placed her hand on my knee.

"I am so happy Tyler found you." She said quietly.

"So am I." I said, patting her hand twice. Rosa made a gagging noise.

"Babe, be nice." Emery said to her.

"Stella, we must go shopping together! I stumbled upon the cutest little boutique in town." Allison chimed in.

"Varmello's Vintage Boutique?" I asked.

"That's the one! Do you shop there?"

"Once in a while. I don't have that much money to spare though, their stuff can get pricey."

"I'll treat you to something when we go. It'll be like a house warming gift." She held her hands intertwined with each other in front of her, pleading to let her buy me something from Varmello's.

"A house warming gift?" I laughed. "But you guys are the ones who should get house warming gifts, you just moved here."

"Well, we've already gotten everything we need here. I insist."

"We'll see." I said, not sure how I'd feel about her spending a lot of money on me.

"I'm looking forward to it! We'll pick you up from school on Monday, we can go from there."

"Okay." I shrugged. Allison hugged me, squeezing before letting go.

"Well, I'm glad Allison has a new shopping buddy." Emery said, stretching his arms over the back of the couch. I laughed. Allison didn't look too impressed. Emery reminded me of my brother a lot.

"Do you play football, Emery?" I asked.

"A little bit here and there. Baseball's more my thing, though."

"We all play when the weather suits us." May added.

"Tyler mentioned that before, that's really nice that you all do something together like that."

Tyler emerged from the stair case with Carl and Jason behind him. I didn't remember Jason even being upstairs, I was surprised to see him there. Tyler stood behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him, only to catch him staring down at me. We both smiled at each other and for a minute we were the only ones there. Then someone coughed and I looked away. Carl was staring at us. It was awkward to be under his gaze. It was like he was analyzing every part of me, trying to figure me out with his eyes.

"So..." I said, hoping he'd lay off with the intensity. These people did that a lot, just stare at me and get all weird. They were nice, and Allison was a hoot and a half, but they were so strange. It kind of made sense though, Tyler fits right in with them. I began to tap my foot as the silence lingered, anxiety growing in me. My shoulders tensed and I began to wrap my arms around my stomach. Jason grunted, so I looked up at him. His eyes were closed and he breathed in deeply, then slowly exhaled. All of a sudden my anxiety was gone. My foot stopped tapping and my arms relaxed to my side. It was like something was released inside me, flushing through every part of my body until I was completely calm. The awkward silence no longer bothered me, it was actually even a little comfortable. The tension in my shoulders was released.

"Jaz." Tyler whispered. Jason nodded, keeping his eyes on Tyler. Tyler then shook his head.

"Do you still read Wuthering Heights?" Allison asked, a glimmer of hope beaming in her golden eyes.

"Um..." I mumbled. It was an oddly phrased question. Did I still read Wuthering Heights? Didn't she mean to ask if I have read it? "I read it in high school for an English class. I haven't opened that book since then."

"Oh..." Allison turned away. Jason whispered something to her.

"It used to be her favourite." Allison whispered. Everyone started coughing and grunting at the same time. Allison turned to me and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry. You remind a lot of a good friend of mine back in Forks, she loved Wuthering Heights." Allison explained.

"It's okay. Moving so far away from your friends must be hard. I've never had to do it, I'm not so sure I could. Wolfeville's small, but it's home."

Allison smiled. Then she turned to Jason, grasping his wrist. She went completely stiff like a statue. Everyone held their breath. Then, as if the life had been breathed back into her, Allison inhaled deeply and turned to look up at Tyler. Tyler furrowed his brows and tilted his chin down.

"We should go." He said as he walked around the couch, offering me his hand.

"O-okay." I stuttered, looking back at Allison. I didn't want to leave her. I just knew something was wrong, that whatever happened to her wasn't normal. Shouldn't Carl be doing something? He's a doctor, isn't he? This immense gust of worry took over me. I couldn't leave her here when she clearly just went through something traumatic. I needed to be here for her. I slinked my hand away from Tyler and sat back down next to Allison.

"Are you alright, Alice?" I asked. Her entire being lit up, her eyes widened and she threw herself on to me like she had when I first arrived.

"I guess that answers my question." I laughed.

"I couldn't be better." She whispered.

"Allison." Tyler barked. She let go of me and shrunk into Jason's side.

"Why don't you come with us? I can show you around town and we can take that little shopping trip." I suggested, still holding on to her hand. Allison glanced up at Tyler, then back at me.

"I'd love to, but I can't. We'll spend Monday together, right?" She asked.

"I'll even skip class for it, the entire day is yours." I smiled, cancelling my entire day on impulse. How could I refuse her? Plus, I kind of wanted to blow a day to just hang around town.

"I'm looking forward to it!" She beamed, hugging me once more. I stood up and glanced around the room at the familiar faces I still couldn't place. Well, now I knew them as Tyler's family, but I still could've sworn I've seen them somewhere.

"It was great meeting you all." I said.

"You too, honey. Come by any time." May stood up and gently hugged me, her arms barely touching me, merely hovering around my body.

"Thanks." I said, nodding to Carl who continued to stare at me strangely. He didn't say much. Maybe he was the quiet type. Emery waved goodbye, while Rosa glared poison from her eyes as I walked out of the door with Tyler.

Tyler and I silently walked toward the Volvo. He opened the door for me robotically, closing it when I got in. He turned the car around and drove down the path towards the road without saying a word. Something was definitely up.

"What happened to Alice back there?" I asked.

"It was nothing. She blacks out sometimes. It's not serious."

"It looked serious. It was scary to see."

"It is at first, but as you become familiar with it, it's fine. My family adores you."

"Except one." I grumbled.

"Don't mind Rose. She's just cautious, it takes her a while to warm up to people."

"So I've heard. Are you sure everything is okay?" I asked. He wouldn't look at me.

"Yes. Really, Stella, what happened to Allison was very minor."

"Are _you_ okay?" I asked.

"Of course, why do you ask?"

"You just got so distant all of a sudden. I mean one minute we're in your room having a moment, the next you won't even look at me."

"I'm sorry. There's just a lot on my mind right now."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, turning myself towards him, pressing my back into the door. Tyler smiled, reached over to me with his right hand and swiped his thumb across my cheek. I closed my eyes in response to his touch.

"When the time is right, I will tell you everything." He said, his voice creeping to a whisper. I sighed, but understood his need to think about whatever it was that needed his attention. I hated when people pestered me about things, I didn't want to do the same to him. He'd tell me when he's ready.

"Okay." I said.

"You know, in the little time I've known you I've grown to care for you so much. It baffles me. How could it have been mere weeks? I feel like I've known you lifetimes ago." He said, intertwining his fingers into mine.

What he said now reminded me of what I thought I'd imagined him say to me in his bedroom. Could I call this love? Rationally, no. But is love even rational? Can you really apply realism and rationality to such an abstract concept? I feel so strongly for Tyler it burns inside me. I dream about him every night and think about him all of the time. Why can't I call this love instead of continuing to refer to it as this 'feeling'. Duh, the feeling is love, right? Love. God, I do. I love him. Just acknowledging it for the first time made my body burst with energy. It was like I sprouted a thousand new nerve endings, all of them sparking fireworks into my heart. I pressed my free hand into my chest and let out a little 'huh' at the realization of it all and how incredible it felt. Sweet Jesus, I'm in love!

"I am..." I whispered, thinking out loud.

"Hm?" Tyler asked. Holy crap. My stomach definitely just twisted in on itself. I gulped, unsure if I was ready to tell him. I looked at him as he drove, then down at our hands clasped together, then at my lap. I can't tell him something that huge, this soon, in a car.

"Can we go somewhere?" I asked, feeling suddenly rejuvenated and awake. Tyler noticed my newfound energy and laughed at my restlessness.

"Sure. The meadow?"

"That's perfect." I said, sinking into my seat. I was going to do this. Screw what's supposed to be right and normal for a relationship, I'm telling him.

Tyler turned around and drove back down the road, turning into another to get to Peck. I stared out of the window, beginning to feel a little queasy. The drive felt hours long, when only minutes had passed. I knew this was detrimental to my original plan, because as time slowly crept by I began to second guess myself. Maybe I rushed into this decision, I didn't really think it through. Even if I did tell him, it's not guaranteed that he'll say it back. Although he did say he cared for me earlier. But does caring equal love, or is it an emotion way before love? Is this love, really? Or is it just infatuation? Crap. I don't even really know that much about him. I don't know his favourite book or his favourite band. Did that stuff even matter?

"What's your favourite book?" I blurted.

"Hm... I've always quite enjoyed The Stranger, by Albert Camus. Older works hold much more meaning to me than modern ones. Like the piece by Thomas Gray, that is one of my favourites."

I nodded. He's really cultured and intellectual. He's not your regular guy who does half of his best in school, plays sports and hits on girls at bars. He's different. It's what I loved so much about him. Love. There's that word again. I do love him. I love being with him, I love who he is and that he makes me think, always keeping me on my toes.

"Favourite band?"

"I prefer instrumental music to beats and lyrics mashed together. An orchestra carrying a melody reaches so much deeper than words ever can. Like when a violin carries a vibrato, my hands tremble with it." He explained, his hand trembling underneath mine. "You should try reading while listening to a piano solo. It'll intensify every word on the page."

"Ha, yeah right. I told you, I can't read and listen to music at the same time. It's impossible."

"Nothing is impossible, Stella." He said, squeezing my hand. We turned into a side road and stopped. I remember the trek to Peck Meadow and pursed my lips at the idea of trudging through moist grass. "We're here." He said, sliding his hand from mine. He stepped out of the car and quickly walked around the hood to my side, opening the door for me.

"Thanks." I said as he shut the door.

"Shall we begin walking?" He held a hand out to me.

"Actually, why don't we just stay here." I said, pointing to a log by the side of the road. Tyler shrugged and followed me towards the log. I threw my leg over to the other side and sat down, straddling it so that I could face Tyler. He did the same.

"What's up?" He asked.

"What you said in the car, about caring for me..." I began, staring at my fidgety fingers.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you off, I just – "

"No, no you didn't, it's not that." I laughed. He knew me, he knew that I was worried things were moving too fast, even when it was always just right. How can it not be love?

"What are you thinking?" He asked, taking my hands into his.

"When you said you cared for me, it made me realize how I strongly I really feel about you."

"Okay..." He said, trying to pull it out of me.

"I think – no, I _know_, that... I love you." I hesitantly looked up, afraid he'd have a look of horror on his face. I could just hear it already, the dreaded 'I'm flattered but, it's not you it's me' speech. But then his face broke out into the most delicious, crooked smile I've ever seen on him. He'd been holding out on me. He pulled me to him so hard I was laying down on his chest. He kissed me so passionately, confirming how much I did love him. I could sit here in the spitting rain for the rest of my life if it meant I'd be in it with him. God, this is so crazy and not normal, but it's so right, I can't deny it anymore. I don't even understand this, I don't know why it's electric and magnetic with him or why I know him so much, yet don't at the same time. I just know that we fit, that it's supposed to be like this. Some things you just know and this is one of those things.

"I love you so much. You don't know how much I've wanted to tell you, to shout it to the world and let everyone know that I am yours and you are mine." Tyler breathed. I let out a girly laugh, feeling like Romeo and Juliet or something romantic like that, except without the tragedy part.

"Ditto." I said.

"Pardon me for possibly ruining the moment, but what happened? I thought you wanted to take things slowly."

"I did, but that's only because this was so different and foreign to me that I didn't know what else to do. I've never known love before, it was kind of scary at first, you know? But I don't care anymore. I just want to be with you all the time and take you in. Enough with the slow and steady business." I kissed him again.

"Sounds good to me." He said when I moved from his lips to his neck. I could feel the rain drops getting thicker and harder, pelting into my back and soaking us. We didn't care. Rain was not going to ruin our love parade, no matter how torrential.

* * *

**A/N:** Surprise! It's not Tuesday yet but, in light of Labor Day weekend, I thought I'd post the chapter early. The title is from the song Never Think by Robert Pattinson (how fitting, right?). Just a reminder, you can follow me on Twitter for sneak peeks and updates and such, my username there is JoanneDff so check it out :) Things are going to heat up soon and all will be revealed sometime in the next few chapters. I hope you're all having a good weekend, enjoy the day off tomorrow if you get one. And, of course, reviews are greatly appreciated :)


	12. The Lion and the Wolf

**11. The Lion and the Wolf**

Admitting my love for Tyler was the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. I didn't know happiness before that moment. I feel invincible, like nothing can break me because I have him. Our relationship went to a whole other level and less is a mystery with him. It's so much easier to be with him without questioning every move and every word. Everything just flows. And surprisingly, it's only been a few hours. Time doesn't even exist with him, an hour could be days and days could be minutes. Nothing makes sense and it's magnificent.

Tyler drove me home shortly after I told him I loved him, something I still can't believe happened. I keep having to ask him, to make sure it really happened and that I didn't just dream all of it. We were completely drenched from head to toe, soaking the seats of the Volvo. The rain had lightened as we neared my street. I felt sick knowing he was going to leave now. I wanted him to stay, not just tonight but every night. Being apart sucked. When I wasn't with him, I was thinking about him wishing I were with him, so why waste the brain power when I could just be with him already?

Tyler pulled up by the curb across the street from my house. It was almost five, which meant everyone would be home soon. If I could just get us to my room, no one would have to know. They all go out on Saturday nights anyway, it would be perfect. Tyler stepped out of the car, walked around the hood and opened my door. I stepped out, closed the door behind me and pressed my back against the wet Volvo. Tyler smiled, stepping down from the curve and pressing is damp body into mine. He kissed me playfully.

"Stay with me tonight." I said as he grazed his nose by mine.

"Tonight? What about your family?" He asked.

"No one's home right now. We can go to my room, no one will have to know. They'll leave again soon, anyway."

"I don't know, Stella. I want to, I _really_ do." He moaned as I kissed his neck. "Why must you torture me so?" He whispered.

"Because I can." I snickered.

"You really want me to stay?" He asked.

"More than anything. Please. Do I need to beg?" Tyler tilted his head to the right.

"Well, it couldn't hurt." He smiled. I clutched the damp fabric of his grey t-shirt in my fists, pulling him closer. I pecked his lips, then kissed him flirtatiously, then again, deeper and harder.

"Please, spend the night with me." I pleaded in a whisper which I hoped was seductive. I was never that great with being seductive. The last time I tried was with Derek when his parents were away for the weekend and he invited me over. He told me I sounded like I was constipated and in pain.

Tyler let out a breathy laugh.

"Well, when you put it that way, how can I refuse?" He said, kissing my cheek. I squealed a little, a teensy little one that I couldn't contain. I was just too excited to have him to myself overnight. I grabbed him by the hand and ran him across the street to my front door, fumbling around for the key in my pocket. I heard the neighbour's dog barking like crazy next door, but it was normal so I didn't pay attention to it. The next door neighbour's door creaked open, causing me to panic. The key just would not get in the hole. Tyler steadied my hand, getting the key in and turning it. There was a loud panting behind us and then a dog barking that sounded dangerously close. I turned around to see the neighbour's black lab, Toby, barking at Tyler.

"Dogs never seem to like me." He said, shuffling his feet to the door.

"Stella? Is that you?" Mrs. Hastings, Toby's owner, called from her porch.

"Yes, Mrs. Hastings, it's me. Can you call Toby, please?" I asked. Instead, she came waltzing on over across the lawn. She hooked a leash to Toby's collar and told him to sit.

"Well, I see two teenagers running from an unfamiliar car to your house, what am I supposed to think? I've never seen him before. You know you're supposed to inform me of new people. As the neighbourhood watch of this neighbourhood, I have the right to know." She said, giving her speech with one hand on her hip. Mrs. Hastings took the little sticker on her front door very seriously, keeping an eye on the neighbourhood at all hours of the day. She even set up a camera that she could review in the mornings of what goes on at night, even though we lived in a perfectly safe suburban neighbourhood. A lot of people around here slept with their front doors unlocked. Crime is a rare thing here.

"Of course, I apologize. This is Tyler, he's my boyfriend." I said, nudging Tyler. Mrs. Hastings looked him up and down.

"Hm. Well, you know the rules. Next time I won't be liable for Toby's actions. C'mon Tobes." She jerked the leash and Toby followed her across the lawn and into her house.

"See what I mean about neighbours? They're so annoying, you're lucky you don't have any." I groaned to Tyler as we stepped into the house. I kicked off my shoes, as did Tyler, and ran up the stairs to my room, completely forgetting about Mrs. Hastings and all of my neighbours for that matter.

When I opened my bedroom door I was surprised to see my room was clean. My mom must've done it today. Perfect timing, really. I closed and locked my door, taking the extra precaution just in case Lindsey decided to storm into my room when she got home from her friend's house, who just so happens to be a fellow Twilighter, as if Lindsey would spend a substantial amount of time with anyone less than that. Tyler sat down on my bed in the same spot he'd taken the last time he was in my room. He was much less fidgety this time. In fact, he was very still, so still his chest didn't even move as he breathed in and out. I wasn't even sure what to do now that we were here.

"What do we do?" I asked as I sat next to him, bouncing a little.

"Anything." He shrugged. "How about twenty questions? But this time, I'll ask the questions."

"Oh boy."

"What's your fondest memory of your childhood?" He asked.

"It's not really a specific thing, but most of my fondest memories are of my Dad when he first started his business. I was little, like four or five, and the place was huge and practically empty, so I'd always run around and spin, making sure my feet touched every square inch of the space. He'd be behind the counter with boxes of books, organizing and pricing things. But every so often he'd get a piece he'd gotten from a collector or from an auction and we'd sit on the floor in the middle of the store and open it together. Then he'd read it to me. He was always reading to me. He has such a good reading voice, it always put me to sleep. I remember waking up in the car as we drove home every time."

"You care a lot about your father." He said.

"Yeah, I do. He's a pretty cool guy. I mean, he's a little old fashioned and weird but he's pretty great. Next question!" I urged.

"What was your favourite birthday present?"

"Oh, that's easy, my car. It's no shiny Volvo, but I got it for my 16th birthday. It's what every 16 year old wants for their birthday and I got it. It's the best gift ever. It actually used to be my uncle Steve's, but he was getting rid of it to get a new car, so my parents bought it from him."

"Most embarrassing moment?"

"Ha, okay so you know how there's always a story about a kid who throws up at the annual school play? Well, mine is kind of like that, except worse. I was in first grade and it was nearing Father's Day, so all the kids were making these pencil notepads from scratch for our dads. Well, the day of making these special gifts I wasn't feeling too great but I went to school anyway. There's ten kids at a round table working on their little pencil notepads, tying string to a pencil and gluing it to the notepad and there I am, swaying back and forth until I puke all over the table. I ruined all of their Father's Day gifts. Then I had to borrow spare pants from another girl in class. I was mortified." Tyler laughed at my embarrassment.

"That's terrible." He said through fits of laughter.

"Thanks, I can feel your sympathy, really, my six year old self appreciates it." I said sarcastically.

"Aw, come on. I bet you were the cutest six year old in your class."

"Want to see?" I asked, eyeing my closet. I had a shoe box full of pictures of me growing up. I got up and retrieved the box, sat back down next to Tyler and opened the lid, fishing for a picture of me in first grade that the teacher had taken on the first day of school.

"This is me with my Aladdin lunch pail." I said proudly, handing him the picture.

"You're adorable." He said, running his thumb across the picture. I rummaged through the box, coming across old pictures I'd since forgotten.

"Aw, it's me with Zack and Lindsey on Halloween." I said as I pulled out the picture of the three of us decked out in costumes my mom made us. Lindsey, the youngest, was a bunny rabbit, I was a cheer leader and Zack, naturally, was a football player. I handed Tyler the picture. He stared at it for a long time, running his index finger along my nine year old self.

"This is all of us at our cousin Carolyn's wedding this past summer." I said, handing him the family picture.

"Isn't that the dress Lindsey wore the other night?" He asked, recognizing my blue dress.

"Oh yeah."

"You look so beautiful."

"Thanks." I blushed. "Hey, next time I go to your house you better whip our your embarrassing kiddy pictures. I've shown mine, you have to show me yours."

Tyler tensed, then gulped.

"Uh, heh, I uh, don't have any." He said quietly, staring down at the box full of pictures that depicted my life. "We had a house fire before moving to Forks, it destroyed everything." He spoke quickly. I imagined it would be difficult for him to remember it, to see the things that symbolized your life being burned to ash.

"I'm sorry, that's horrible." I said, placing a hand on his arm. Tyler put the family picture back into the box and put the lid back on.

"It's alright."

I eyed my digital camera sitting on my computer desk, sparking with the idea to take a picture with Tyler, to freeze today in a photograph I can keep forever. I got up, swiped the camera from my desk and sat back down, flipping the camera in my hands. Tyler eyed it, cracking a smile.

"What do you think? Are you up for a little photo shoot?" I asked.

"With you? Of course." He said, scooting closer to me and putting his arm around me.

I snapped a picture of us smiling, another of us looking intently at each other, an accidental shot of us laughing, another of me kissing him on the cheek, and plenty of us just goofing off. My favourite though, is a candid of Tyler that I caught as he threw his head back in a fit of laughter. His smile was wide, his cheeks pushing up and making his eyes squint because he was laughing so hard. I stared at it on the screen as I flipped through the pictures we'd taken, admiring it. It's one of the few times he really let loose and allowed himself to be vulnerable without mystery and intrigue, just this raw innocence.

"I like this one." He said, pointing to the one of us looking at each other. "Can you get me a copy of that?"

"Sure."

Tyler tensed then and shot up from the bed.

"What?" I asked. Before he could answer, the front door slammed shut. I could hear mumbling, a woman's voice that sounded much like my mother's. My parents were home. I laughed at Tyler's tense form standing rigid, eyeing the closet. My parents wouldn't suspect a thing. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, then down the hallway, getting louder as they neared my door. There was a quick knock and then my mother's voice.

"Stella? Are you in there?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm here." I shouted.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing, just um, watching TV."

"Do you feel like spending a night with your old parents? We're going out to that new Italian place that just opened up." She asked.

"I would, but I've got a stomach ache. You guys go ahead."

"Okay, there's frozen pizza if you're hungry. We won't be out late!"

With that, she walked away, changed her clothes and was out the door again. The house was quiet, Tyler and I had it all to ourselves.

I laid out on my bed, fluffing the pillows underneath my head. Tyler decided to hop over me to get to the other side instead of walking around the bed. He hovered above me for a moment, teasing me with his lips, and then laid next to me. I settled into his side and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, running his fingers up and down my arm. It was already dark outside, even though it was barely eight o'clock. My eyes grew heavy and I yawned several times. I forced myself to stay awake, to take in the time I had with Tyler alone. He smelled so good. I kept nestling my nose into his shirt, breathing in deeply until I couldn't put any more air into my lungs, exhaled and then did it all over again.

We didn't say a word as we laid together. It was nice not having to have a verbal conversation, to just lay there and feel, both physically and emotionally. Tyler ran his fingers through my hair and tickled my back, his fingers always touching me. I drew little circles on his chest, making him giggle every so often when I reached his sides, where he was most ticklish. I laid my hand flat on his chest over his heart, which I still couldn't hear. I didn't fret over it or try hard to find its beat, it didn't matter. He left a kiss on my head and squeezed me closer to him.

"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me in my entire existence." He whispered. "I never imagined finding you. Sometimes I don't believe it."

I mumbled a lazy 'mhm' as I grew sleepier. I tried fighting it, but he just made it so easy to relax and doze off. I felt safe with him. There were no eyes watching me tonight, no eerie feelings. Feeling him next to me, I knew I was safe and loved. Tyler inhaled deeply, his lips parting with a quiet slap.

"The laughing flowers, that round them blow, drink life and fragrance as they flow. Now the rich stream of music winds along, deep, majestic, smooth and strong." He spoke quietly, his voice enchanting. He paused and then recited another verse.

"Sovereign of the willing soul, parent of sweet and solemn-breathing airs, enchanting shell, the sullen cares. And frantic passions hear thy soft control." I recognized the poem, remembering it as one my dad once read to my mom.

"The muse has broke the twilight gloom to cheer the shivering native's dull abode."

"Thomas Gray." I mumbled drowsily.

"Thomas Gray." Tyler confirmed

I woke up to the sun's brightness intruding on my closed eyes. It didn't even feel real, how could the world shine this bright? It was blinding. I put my hand over my head.

"Ugh, it's too bright." I groaned as I hid my face into Tyler's chest, only to roll over on to the other side of the bed, my face plopping into the mattress. I sat up and stared down at the mattress, thinking he'd appear if I just stared or if my eyes adjusted to the light. I looked to my right, but he wasn't there either. He's gone.

I stumbled out of bed, intending on going to the bathroom when my computer beeped. I stopped and sat down, noticing I had an instant message from Tyler.

**tylEr says:**

Good morning, love. I'm sorry I'm not there. May called and needed me to come home. You're so beautiful when you sleep, it pained me to have to leave you. I've attached the video of the scene from City Lights I told you about before, the one with Charlie Chaplin in it. I hope you enjoy it.

PS: Just a reminder that you told me you loved me yesterday, you didn't dream it. I love you too.

I smiled at his little side note, then clicked the link he sent. It brought me to a YouTube video of a scene from City Lights with Charlie Chaplin. It was in black and white and there weren't any words. A guy that looked like a bum sees a girl selling flowers. He recognizes her but she doesn't seem to recognize him. She thinks he wants a flower, so she gives him one along with a dollar, but he bashfully refuses and walks away. She follows him and insists, so he finally takes the flower. Then she takes is hand and places the dollar in his palm. Upon feeling his hands she recognizes him and looks at him lovingly, like she'd just found her true love. It was a beautiful scene. I ended up watching the entire movie, come to find out that the girl used to be blind when she first meets the bum, who is friends with a drunk rich guy that unknowingly gives the bum money, along with his car, so that when he sees the blind girl and buys all her flowers and takes her for a drive, she thinks he's actually rich. They fall in love. Then they stumble upon an ad in the paper for this surgery that could get her sight back, which she gets done. But obviously she wouldn't recognize the bum if she saw him, and he doesn't want to reveal his true self to her, so he leaves her be. But then they see each other again and she recognizes him and doesn't care that he's a bum on the street. I cried tears of joy at the end, seeing the scene for the second time. I have to admit, the scene was much more magical when I thought it was two long lost loves rediscovering each other by touch. And really it was, but once you watch the entire movie, her blindness to him was literal and not metaphorical.

I hurried to instant message Tyler and tell him my thoughts on the movie.

***Stella says:**

So, I just spent the entire morning watching City Lights. I loved it! The scene you sent me was beautiful, how she recognized him when she touched his hand. Thanks for sharing that with me.

**tylEr says:**

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

My phone buzzed in my jacket pocket. I turned around in my chair, searching for my jacket that seemed to be playing hide and seek with me. The sleeve poked out from underneath my bed. I let out an 'a-ha!' and pulled it out, getting my phone just in time. It was Dane.

"Dane, what's up?"

"Hey, listen can you come down to the res?" He asked. He seemed annoyed when he asked, like he didn't actually want me there.

"Now? Why?"

"Yeah. Can you come or not?" He asked, his voice aggressive. I looked down at myself, still in the clothes I wore yesterday, my hair in knots from sleeping on it without it being tied up.

"Um...I'm not ready. How about after lunch?"

"Hold on." There was some mumbling and scuffling.

"Stella? This is Chaske. I need your help."

I remained silent on the phone, surprised that Chaske was on the other line and that he needed my help. What could he possibly need me for? I don't know him and he doesn't know me, the only thing we have in common is Dane, and to be honest I'm not really a fan of Chaske and his little posse.

"Stella? You there?" He asked.

"Yeah. Why do you need my help?"

"I just need you to trust me when I say I can't tell you. But it's extremely important."

"What would you need me to do?" I asked groggily, hoping to get him off my case as quickly as possible.

"I just need you to answer some questions and give us as much information as you can about the McCulley's."

"The McCulley's? Why are you asking about them?"

"I can't disclose that just yet. Please, Stella, we really need you. You don't have to come all the way down to the reservation, we can do this over the phone if you'd like." I had an peculiar feeling about this, like I was making a deal with a criminal or something.

"Ask and maybe I'll answer." I said plainly. I wasn't going to walk into his trap. If he can't tell me things then maybe I can't tell him things.

"Are the McCulley's living in Wolfeville?" He asked. I shrugged. It was a simple question anyone could answer. Most of the town already knew, so what the hell.

"Yeah, they live here."

"All of them?"

"Yeah..."

"Do you know where?"

"Yes. If you're asking for their address, I can't give it to you."

"You don't know it?"

"No, I know where it is, I just can't tell you." Chaske grunted and sighed, not satisfied with my answer.

"Okay then. So there are seven of them, three females and four males?" He asked, sounding as though he were asking about a litter of puppies.

"Yeah."

"Why are they here?"

"I don't know, they wanted to be closer to Tyler, I guess."

"Tyler? That's the youngest male, right?"

"Um, yeah I guess so..."

"How long are they staying?"

"I don't know."

"Have any of them seemed strange to you or try to do anything to you?"

"What? You're kidding, right?"

"Stella, this is not a time for jokes. This is serious."

"Am I being Punk'd? Is Tyler there asking you to say this?"

"Believe me when I'd say I'd never so much as glance at it, let alone have it in this house." Chaske said defensively.

"It?" That's a strange thing to call a person. I mean, sure you call unborn babies 'it' when you don't know the gender yet, but to call an actual human being 'it'? That's messed up. There was more shuffling and mumbling.

"I told you this was a bad idea." Dane said. The phone crackled. "Stel?"

"Dane, what's going on?"

"Have you been to their house?"

"Yes. Why are you guys asking so many questions about them?"

"You went there with the seven of them alone?" His voice got angrier.

"What's the big deal?"

"Damn it, Stella, you promised! You told me you would only see him in public places!"

"Are you seeing Sophia in public places? She just moved back, should I be giving you the third degree about her?"

"Don't start, Stella. I don't have time for this. Stay put, I'm coming over."

Before I could object, Dane hung up. Forty five minutes later he was knocking like a mad man on my front door, sending Toby in a barking frenzy. Mrs. Hastings started yelling about nudity in a family neighbourhood when she saw that Dane was carrying his shirt in his hands, opting to go shirtless when it was freezing out. He didn't say a word to me when I opened the door, he just walked right in. He was making me feel like I had done something wrong.

"Where is he?" He asked, looking around the house.

"He's at home." I answered. Dane looked outside at the bright, sunny day we were having, one of the few we get per year. I was amazed it was sunny this close to November.

"Figures. It's sunny." He mumbled. "Caleb's bringing my bag over later."

"What?"

"I'm staying." He said simply, like it was obvious.

"I didn't invite you to."

"Stella, please don't be difficult. Just once, do what I tell you so you won't end up killed, or worse." He started walking upstairs on his own. I was still standing in the foyer, stunned by his choice of words. What could possibly be worse than death?

I went upstairs where I found Dane in my doorway with his nose wrinkled.

"You've got to be kidding me." He whispered.

"Something wrong?" I asked, coming up behind him.

"Do you have Febreeze? Windex? Anything with a strong scent?"

"There's a bottle of air freshener in the bathroom under the sink."

Dane slipped past me and into the bathroom to get the air freshener. I inhaled deeply, trying to find the stench. Instead, I was met with Tyler's heavenly smell. I closed my eyes, taking it in when Dane started spraying like a mad man. I coughed and stepped out of the room. It made me a little sad that Tyler's scent was gone, as if he hadn't even been here.

"Your room reeked. Seriously." He said, still spraying.

"Okay, I think you got it." I lowered his arm and took the bottle away from him. He threw himself onto my bed and swiped the remote control from my night table.

"Anything good on tonight?" He asked as he flipped through channels.

"It's Sunday, nothing's really on..." But then it dawned on me. "True Blood! It's Sunday, True Blood is on tonight!" I tried to grab the control from Dane so that I could set the TiVo, but he wouldn't let me.

"Don't tell me you watch that garbage. It's disgusting."

"It's good. You don't know what you're missing." I cooed.

"I'm not missing anything. But you are. You're not watching that shit while I'm here."

"Why are you here?"

"It's for your own good."

"Whatever, I'm going to take a shower." I said, leaving the room.

I was so annoyed with him and his mood swings, being an ass one minute, to being his old self, to being vulnerable and then back to being an ass. It's driving me crazy. Not even the hot, soothing water of a shower could calm my nerves, I was too annoyed to relax. When I got back to my room Dane was sitting at my computer. He minimized something when he heard me walk in, then watched me as I grabbed clothes from my drawer and went back to the bathroom. When I changed into a fresh pair of jeans and my favourite James Dean t-shirt and returned to my room, Dane was back on the bed flipping through channels. There was a large growl coming from Dane's stomach.

"Dude, I'm starving." He sat up, rubbing his stomach.

"The kitchen's over there, you're not stranger to it. Go help yourself." I shrugged. Dane got up and strolled over to the kitchen. I took this as an opportunity to check up on what he was doing on my computer. I took my laptop into my parents' bathroom, locking the door. I opened the lid, remembering I'd left my chat box with Tyler open. He probably read it. I shook my head angrily. I was about to go back to my room when the conversation box blinked. I opened it. There was an entire conversation between Tyler and I that I never had with him. The things being said were confusing and horrid. I scrolled up to the beginning, to the last message he sent me and where the new messages begin. An anger boiled inside me, sending a surge of tears to the corners of my eyes.

**tylEr says:**

I can't stop thinking about last night. I wish I could see you today, but I'm tied up.

***Stella says:**

Don't think about me. Ever. I don't want to see you. Too bad the sun isn't out every day so that you'd always be 'tied up'.

**tylEr says:**

What? Stella, is that you?

***Stella says:**

People aren't always what they say they are, you should know that better than anybody, leech.

**tylEr:**

Dane, I don't want any trouble with you. Just leave Stella and I alone. She knows who I am.

***Stella says:**

If she knew what you were she'd run away screaming and you know it. Get your family and get the hell out of Wolfeville.

**tylEr says:**

That's not true. We love each other. We share something you can't understand.

***Stella says:**

Leave her alone, you hear me? I've never torn apart a leech before, but I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant protecting Stella.

**tylEr says:**

I would never hurt her. Her safety is just as important to me. We're not here to wreak havoc on your town, Dane. I'm here because I love her.

***Stella says:**

That's bull shit. You don't even know her.

**tylEr says:**

I know her more than anyone. This doesn't have to be a war. Surely you've heard of Jacob, that we can all live in peace.

***Stella says:**

Jacob was a pussy, he was whipped. He didn't know how to keep her safe then, but I do now. I won't let you win, not this time.

**tylEr says: **

I don't think you know exactly what you're talking about or what you're dealing with. I'm not going to fight with you, this isn't a battle. In the end it's up to her.

I stared at the screen for a while, trying to figure it out, to piece things together and make sense of it but nothing even came close to clarity. I wished I could just sit them down together and make them work out whatever it is they have against each other. Judging by the conversation, all of the hostility is coming from Dane, not Tyler. I hated having two of the most important people in my life fighting against each other like this. It got me thinking of if I'd ever have to choose between the two.

The crazy thing is that I would be able to. I don't even have to think about it. Dane has Sophia, he has his friends and his family. He doesn't need me. I know what life is like without him, it wouldn't be so hard the second time around. But, I'm not so sure I could handle being without Tyler. He ignites something in me I've never known before and I can't let it go, not now that I know what it's like to have your other half standing next to you. I need Tyler. Life before him was like City Lights, it was black and white and silent. But with him, it's like fireworks, feeling the boom shake the ground and the pit of your stomach when they go off one after the other. I can't go back to the black and white, silent life again. I won't. This tug of war has to end, and it either ends civilly with a mutual tie or it ends with one person being the winner and the other losing me forever. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

**A/N: **This chapter's a little shorter, but things are starting to near the twist. The title is from the song The Lion and the Wolf by Thrice. Now that school is starting (tomorrow for me) the day I update might change. I'm not sure yet, so for now it'll still be Tuesdays, but depending on how things work out with studying/homework and stuff like that, I may change upates to the weekend, probably Sunday. So, just in case I post this sunday or skip Tuesday and post Sunday, that's why. Have a good one! As always, reviews are greatly appreciated :)


	13. In This Hole

**12. In This Hole**

I used to hear people say they felt like a prisoner in their own home all the time. My sister would say it when she's grounded, friends would say it when their siblings took the family car, leaving them stranded at home, but I never really took it too seriously. I mean, how can you be a prisoner in your own home when you could very easily walk out of your front door? Otherwise, they're just making themselves the prisoner by keeping themselves at home or deliberately associating prison with home when they could associate it with sanctuary or safety. But after this weekend my entire view on the expression has changed once _I_ became the prisoner in my own home. The only difference is I have someone physically keeping me on lockdown.

Dane hasn't allowed me to leave his sight in three days. The only time I have to myself is in the shower or the bathroom, but even that is interrupted if he thinks I take too long. Somehow he thinks I can escape, even though the only feasible way is through the skylight, which is way too high to even attempt to get to, and is too dangerous anyway. He took my cell phone, screening my calls so that I couldn't talk to Tyler if he tried to call or text me. He watches over my shoulder when I'm on the computer to make sure I'm not talking to Tyler. He won't even let me answer my own front door without coming with me and standing in front of me when I do, just in case Tyler decides to show up and rescue me, or in Dane's mind, to corrupt and hurt me.

What's worse is that I'm starting to hate and resent Dane. Just the sight of him makes me cringe and my muscles start to tremble in fury. I need to see Tyler, to hear his voice and feel his fingertips on my back. I can't even see him in my dreams anymore. It's like Dane's put this parental block on my subconscious, keeping me from having anymore dreams involving Tyler. The closest I got to him was when Dane was hot and opened the window, letting a cool breeze drift in. I could smell him. His scent was so strong. But then Dane slammed the window down and grabbed the Febreeze, spraying my room like a fireman dousing a burning house with water to kill the flames. I glared at him, tears pooling at the rims of my eyes, hoping he would find some form of sympathy for me, but he didn't. He shrugged, said it was for my own good and returned to the TV.

I thought maybe Tyler would be at school to whisk me away, but he never showed up. Instead, Dane sat fuming beside me, waiting for Tyler to dare to walk through the door. He insisted on coming to school with me, since I refused to stay at home to make his policing more convenient. He just assumed my life would stop because he thinks I need saving. I even had to miss spending Monday with Allison because he claimed she was dangerous. He texted Tyler on behalf of me to tell him any plans we'd made before were now cancelled. I felt so horrible for having to miss it and it made me sick to think that Tyler might assume I don't want anything to do with him, or that maybe Dane is just too much to deal with just to be with me and that it's not worth it. I decided to take today off since Thursday's usually aren't busy at school, maybe it'll make this guarding thing more bearable from the comfort of my own home. I'm not sure how much longer I can take of this.

I can't breathe. Sometimes I just stop. My heart begins to slow and its beats pound in my ear. It's like I just forget how to breathe until it's almost too late, then reflexively suck in so much air it's too much, sending me into a coughing fit. If Tyler were here he'd put a cool hand on my back and tell me to breathe, simulate the motion until I caught my breath again. Then he'd hold me, rocking me back and forth. The daydream sends me rocking on my own. Everything feels so empty and grey.

It's pouring rain today, thick sheets of it falling to the ground and blurring the world. I stared at it, hearing it faintly through the patio door. I place a hand to the glass, searching through the blurred trees for a way out. Dane's asleep, I could just slip out right now, stand in the middle of the rain and get away from this. I slowly pushed down the lock, slid the door open and slipped out, running to the middle of my backyard. The grass was slippery and mushy, making my feet slide. I planted my bare feet into the grass, sinking my toes into the mud. I couldn't hear anything but the rain slapping against leaves and tree branches and splattering into the moist ground. I closed my eyes as the water drenched me. My hair stuck to my face and my clothes suctioned to my body, weighing me down. The world didn't exist anymore under the sheets of water falling from the sky. The houses were gone and every living being was extinct, leaving just me and the rain. Then he snaked his arms around me, his fingertips pitter-pattering across my stomach, meeting in the middle. His lips graze my ear and he whispers something, but I can't hear it because of the rain. The rain is drenched with his scent. I angle my face up to the sky and let the droplets drown my face. But the drops get smaller and less forceful, the noise disappears and I hear a car driving down the road. The houses reappear and the rain is just a sprinkle. I put my hand to my stomach and his hands are gone. I turn around. He's not here. I fall to the ground as lightly as the rain drops, the life being sucked out of me, seeping into the ground with the rain. I spread my hand out in the grass, the mud pushing up in between my fingertips. I feel drunk and empty.

Dane's shouting at me, but its distant. He picks me up in an instant, like I'm as light as a feather. I don't even respond, I just lay limply in his arms as he carries me through the door and into the house. Water taps against the tiles in the kitchen. I'm dripping. He places me in my bed and starts tugging at me, muttering things I don't understand. I closed my eyes, falling into the blackness behind my lids, forcing myself away from here.

When I woke up the house was eerily quiet. I could hear Dane breathing over me, his hot breath spreading over my face. He smelled like cedar chips. I pulled away from it.

"Stella?" He whispered. He sat at the edge of the bed beside me, one arm over my legs. I

I try to sit up, noticing my clothes are different. The sweat pants and t-shirt I had on earlier are crumpled in a pile in the corner. They look wet. I don't remember changing into plaid sweat pants and a tank top. I just know that I could feel Tyler and I could smell him. I was so close to him and then he was just gone. I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach, knowing how close he was and how easily he had vanished.

Dane was silent, staring at me. He was breathing slowly and heavily. For a moment, there was a twinge of sympathy in his eyes, like he was actually sorry for doing this to me, that he was wrong. Then he looked away and took it all back.

"What were you thinking?" He asked, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I don't know." I whispered, tears threatening to spill if I spoke any louder.

"Jesus, Stella." He muttered.

"It didn't even feel real when I was out there. I was staring out the window, watching the rain, hearing it and thinking how much I hated you for this. It was so inviting, like a way out. It's like it wasn't even me doing it." I mumbled my explanation as I swallowed back tears, wanting so badly to go back to that moment when he was there and everything was okay, wishing it was real.

"You sound like a crazy person, you know that?" He said, sympathy seeping through his anger again. "I know you hate me right now, but one day you're going to see why I did this and you'll be grateful." There was a force behind his words, but it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself of it more than he was me.

"You can't keep me here forever, you know." I muttered.

"If forever is what it takes, then yeah, I can."

His words bubbled inside me, fuelling the flame of fury that's been growing this past week. I hated to hated him but right now I really did with every fibre of my being. I've finally given in to irrationality, finally taken a risk and began to enjoy the benefits and he took it all away.

"You have no right to do this!" I shouted.

"Yes I do."

"Really? And why is that?"

"Because I do."

"Because of what Tyler is?" I asked, using what I knew from his online chat with Tyler. Maybe if he thought I knew and that I didn't care, he'd leave us alone. Dane looked at me, his eyes wide in surprise.

"You know?"

"He told me everything." I declared. Dane stood up from the bed and stepped back, his eyes moving from side to side as he searched the floor for an explanation.

"Why didn't you tell me you knew?" He asked.

"Because I don't care. It doesn't matter to me." Dane squinted his eyes, scrutinizing me.

"You _would_ care." He whispered. His face lifted into a smirk. "Nice try."

"Don't you miss Sophia? Don't you wish you could be with her instead of me all week?" I jabbed. This had to tug a string or push a button.

"Yeah, I miss her, but she understands that this is something I have to do, that your safety comes first right now."

"Why does she get to know everything that's going on and I don't? She's not even a part of this."

"Because she's my girlfriend and I can tell her."

"You barely know her!"

"I know her more than anyone, and she knows me."

"After a week, you know each other so well?" I asked, heavy on the sarcasm.

"What's your point?"

"You are such a hypocrite. I can't even look at you." I turned away, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Whatever. I'm going to take a shower. Don't try anything while I'm gone. I'll be six minutes. Don't think I can't hear you." He said as he walked around the bed to the door. He paused in the doorway, looking at me. I turned the other way, refusing to look at him. He sighed and then went into the bathroom. A minute passed until I could hear the shower come on.

"I'm just opening the window for some air." I shouted so he could hear me. I knew if I didn't announce my every move he'd think I were trying to escape and go nuts on me.

"Fine." He shouted back.

I lazily hung my legs off the edge of the bed, hoisting myself up on to my feet. I took the two steps to my window and opened my blinds all the way. I gasped when I saw Tyler standing in front of my window with a crooked smile on his face. My heart was pounding. It couldn't be him, I'm just delusional. I rubbed my eyes. When I opened them he was still there. He waved at me. I opened my window all the way, ready to ask him what he was doing here when he placed a finger over his lips. I glanced over to the wall at my right, knowing Dane was on the other side. I had exactly four minutes to get out of the house without him knowing. I looked to Tyler, who pointed at me and then jabbed his fists in the air. I punched out the screen to my window and watched it fall to the ground. I hurried to the flip flops that were near the pile of wet clothes and slipped my fingers through them, making sure I had a good grip on them. I went back to the window, hesitating before lifting one leg out of the window, then the other until I was sitting on my window sill. I stared down at the distance below me, panic arising in my throat. Tyler appeared underneath me with his arms extended. He nodded and mouthed 'I've got you'. I closed my eyes and pushed myself out of the window, anticipating my fall. Tyler's hands caught me at my hips, lowering me to the ground slowly. I threw my arms around him, squeezing him as tightly as I could to make sure he was really here. He kissed me quickly, then nodded towards the side of the house. We ran out to the front, where a sleek, black car with tinted windows was parked, waiting. *

The window to the driver's seat rolled down, revealing Allison. She smiled and waved at us, then nodded towards the back seat. Tyler opened the back door for me, then slid in next to me. The car lurched forward before Tyler closed the door.

I turned to look back at my house, waiting for Dane to burst through the door and stop me, but he didn't. He took my cell phone, so he has no way of contacting me either. He's going to be so angry.

Tyler placed a hand on my cheek and ducked his face under mine.

"Hey." He whispered. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I smiled, not caring anymore if Dane would be angry or not. He deserved this, anyway. He couldn't keep me under lock and key forever. I stared into Tyler's golden eyes and was so grateful that he came to my rescue. He was like my knight in shining armour. I laughed at myself at the reference, but it was so true.

"Thanks for coming to my rescue." I said. "How'd you know I was being kept hostage?"

"I had a hunch. You hadn't spoken to me all week, so I got worried."

"Good hunch." I said. Tyler leaned in and kissed my forehead, his lips remaining there for a beat longer than usual. I needed to be closer to him, to feel him and know that this was real. I crawled into his lap and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me, rocking me as he ran his fingers up and down my back.

"Where've you been all week? You weren't in school." I whispered, hating to ruin the moment but needing to know.

"I'm sorry, love. I had to go back to Washington briefly to pick up something of May's. I wanted to tell you, but then Dane got in the way."

"You were all the way in Washington?" I asked, unsure of his alibi.

"Yes, it was a last minute trip."

"Okay..." I sighed, putting it behind me. There was a muffled cough from the front seat. I'd completely forgotten that Allison was driving, it felt like Tyler and I were alone. I realized that I'd pretty much ditched Allison earlier in the week and owed it to her to make it up to her somehow.

"Allison, I'm so sorry about Monday. I really did want to go shopping with you." I said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"It's alright, I understand. We can reschedule." She said cheerfully.

"Where are we going?" I asked as she turned down what seemed like a never ending road lined with forest on either side.

"My house. We'll be safe there." Tyler whispered in my ear, his lips grazing my earlobe. Shivers ran down my spine. I held him tighter. I felt safe already.

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**A/N: **If you've read my profile before my posting this, you'll know I wasn't going to update today because I hadn't finished writing the big reveal, which was supposed to be a part of this chapter. But I just couldn't do it, skipping a Tuesday was like skipping out on your favorite show, it just messes up the entire routine. So, I decided to split up the chapter and post what I'd written that was complete and save the big reveal for next Tuesday. I'm trying to get it just right, and so far what I've written doesn't fit quite right, so we'll have to wait another week. Anywho, I hope you're all having a good week so far. Reviews are greatly appreciated :) Oh and the title is from the song In This Hole by Cat Power. Have a good one!


	14. In The Dark

**A/N: **Surpise! :) I'm updating with this chapter a couple of days early because if I were to put everything in one update it would be ridiculously long and there would be way too much going on. This isn't the big reveal, but it leads up to it. The big reveal is still happening Tuesday. The title is from a song called In The Dark by The Changes, it's pretty great and describes tyEr and Stella pretty well. I hope you guys enjoy the surprise update, have a great weekend! Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated.

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**13. In The Dark**

Tyler's house was deserted, like an empty glass shell. Seeing it without any movement inside made it look like a display case, with it's perfectly designed living room and classy, black and white theme. Allison claimed she had errands to run and therefore wouldn't be joining us. Before she left, Tyler went to the car window to speak to her. There was a lot of nodding, then Tyler hung his head low and there was a muffled 'it has to be done'. Tyler backed away and Allison turned the car around, speeding down the dirt path, the wheels of the car kicking up mud as they grinded against the moist earth.

Inside of the house felt even worse. Without anyone here to fill it, it felt like a museum. I was sure not to touch anything, not even the banister leading upstairs, and felt as though I had to whisper.

"Where is everyone?" I asked.

"They've all gone out to dinner and to have a night out on the town. We have the house to ourselves." Tyler explained.

I loved the idea of spending today alone with him, but as he slinked his arm around my waist suddenly everything felt colder and tense. I couldn't help but worry about Dane again, to wonder what he was doing to try to find me right now. I felt like I should enjoy this now before he really locks me away.

Tyler led me to his room, gesturing towards his couch. I walked over to it, waiting for him to sit first. I sat down next to him, folding my legs underneath me and curled into him, my body quivering. He pulled a grey blanket from underneath the couch and wrapped it around me, then he rubbed his fingers up and down my arms, leaving it up to friction to warm me up. I knew not to question why his skin was always cold, I even liked it, but right now his temperature was even more apparent. Inside he can't blame it on a chilly day. His touch alone should be able to warm me. He should be warm.

"Being away from you was agony." He whispered with a faint chuckle, breaking me from my thoughts.

"You have no idea. I've never felt so lost."

"I'm sorry." He said under his breath, his voice filled with a deep sadness and regret.

"It's not your fault. It's just so powerful, this love thing. It takes over and suddenly it's like I need you beside me or else I can't breathe." I rambled, my mind reliving the gut twisting loneliness and need I felt without him. It reminded me of when I read through Twilight, that sense of loss when I read it. Tyler filled that void for me, but without him I was right back to that place and I couldn't stand it.

"Like it's keeping you alive." He said.

"Yeah, exactly." I nodded. Tyler placed a gentle finger under my chin, lifting my face up to his.

"You make me alive, Stella." He said, his golden eyes gazing deeply into mine. His eyes seemed a little different. The shade was much brighter, there was more yellow than orange in them, making it look as if they were glowing. Tyler placed his hand on my cheek, pressing his palm into its curve. It fit perfectly there, like puzzle pieces carved to fit into each other to create a beautiful image. Tyler's face inched closer to mine until his lips gently pressed into mine. I parted my lips and kissed him back stronger, feeling this deep urge to have him, like I've been starved for weeks and this was my first taste of sustenance. I sat up on my knees on the couch, towering over him. He slowly laid back, our lips still moving together. I began to unbutton his shirt, sliding my hand down his perfectly sculpted chest, a treasure hidden underneath all of those layers. Tyler squirmed and pushed me away, stopping me.

"Stop." He muttered under my urgent lips. "I can't. I'm sorry."

I got off of him and sat on the furthest corner of the couch.

"It's not you. I want to, I do, but I can't." He continued to try to explain, his frustration apparent.

"It's fine, Tyler, really." I said, figuring it was some kind of chastity thing.

"I've ruined this, haven't I?" He asked. I turned to look at him and quickly melted at his disappointed expression. I scooted over to him and slipped my arm into his.

"No, you haven't. All I need is to be with you, I don't care how." I said as I placed a hand on his cheek and turned his head to face me. I fell into his eyes again, the color drowning me."Just hold me." I whispered, falling into his chest.

Tyler laid back down on the couch and I laid next to him, resting my head on his exposed chest. He ran his fingers through my hair, twirling strands and then dropping them. All of my senses were being tested as his sweet scent intoxicated me after every inhalation, as my skin prickled under his touch, as the taste of his lips rested on my tongue and as the pretty melody he hummed drifted into my ears. I easily fell under his spell, no matter how illogical any of it seemed. I've given up questioning everything with Tyler attached to it, it's no use. One thing I am absolutely certain of is that I love him, regardless of how I got there, I do. And I need him like I need water, like tweens need texting, like Lindsey needs her copy of Twilight on her night stand, like my dad needs Thomas Gray. Life loses its lustre without them.

"What are you thinking?" Tyler asked, planting a kiss on the top of my head. I wriggled into him, nestling my nose in the crook of his neck.

"About some mysterious guy that came into my life out of nowhere and made love happen." I shrugged, like it was no big deal. I felt his smile widen in my hair.

"Or perhaps the love was already there and merely flourished when you and said mystery man's eyes found each other again." He suggested.

"This is sounding a lot like our 'think outside of the box, Stella!' conversation." I said, noticing the similar tone and direction this conversation had with one of our first conversations. Tyler sighed.

"How else can one explain the unexplainable, unless it is linked to something else that's equally unexplainable? Love is the eternal mystery, you cannot describe or measure it with science. You have to think outside of the box to even begin to try to define what it really is."

I looked up at him, his expression completely serious. I knew if I got him going he could talk about this forever, and I wasn't in the mood for an intellectual discussion. I just wanted to feel him here, with his arms wrapped tightly around me and feel like nothing else in the world mattered, even for just a little while.

"Okay." I said, waving a hand in the air, surrendering. Tyler laughed and continued to run his fingers through my hands again.

"Her love is like to ice, and I to fire. How come it then that this my cold is so great is not dissolved through her so hot desire, but harder grows the more her I entreat? Or how comes it that her exceeding heat is not allayed by my heart-frozen cold, but that she burn much more in boiling sweat, and feel her flames augmented manifold? What more miraculous thing may be told, that fire, which is congealed with senseless cold, should kindle fire by wonderful device? Such is the power of love in gentle mind, that it can alter all the course of kind." Tyler let out a quick, breathy chuckle when he was finished reciting a poem I hadn't recognized. I could hear him recite literature every second of the rest of my life, he had such a knack for it. He filled the words with the emotion they required, so that he wasn't just regurgitating words, he was breathing life into them.

"I love that, what's it called?" I asked quietly, feeling completely relaxed.

"It's called 'My Love is Like to Ice' by Edmund Spencer." He revealed. "However, I did rearrange some of the words so that it was more relevant to us. In the poem, he is fire and she is ice." As he said that, I ran my finger along his arm, the tip burning as it conflicted with his cool skin.

"Wow." I whispered. "Accurate..." I realized how very accurate it was, that he was ice and I was fire, a fact I'd avoided for a while now. As badly as the rational voice in my head begged me to question it, to take Dane's insane behaviour seriously and get some answers, I didn't want to. This moment was too good to be true, our love was too good to be true and I wasn't about to ruin it for some silly suspicion.

"Stella, there's something I need to tell you." Tyler said, his words cautiously spoken. I looked up at him, my chin resting on his chest.

"Hm?" I hummed. Tyler looked away, his eyes scanning his shelves of books and albums.

"I'm afraid –" He stopped himself, bringing his hand to his mouth as he shook his head slowly from side to side. I smoothed his hair from his forehead to calm him. He removed his hand from his mouth and took in a quick breath. "I'm afraid once you see the truth you won't want this. I cannot bare to lose you, but I can't for you to stay with me either."

I looked up at him in silence for a moment, seeing that whatever it was he was keeping from me was twisting him up inside, haunting and threatening him. I was curious as to what it was that he had to say that could possibly make me leave him when I know I never could. Maybe he was just overreacting over something small like he'd been arrested before or, worst case scenario, maybe he's moving back to Washington. Whatever it was we could work through it, and it could also wait.

"Then don't." I said. He looked at me, surprised I wasn't asking him to reveal all.

"What?"

"Don't tell me. At least not tonight. Let's just enjoy this. Whisper some Thomas Gray in my ear, we can deal with whatever it is tomorrow."

"You're sure?" He asked.

"Yes, please, forget about it just for tonight."

"If that's what you want."

"Yes, it's what I want." I pulled myself up so that my face was hovering directly over his. I guess when they say great minds think alike they aren't kidding, because his lips were all over mine in a heartbeat.

After that we lived on pure emotion and instinct, on lust's hypnotizing and undeniable high, like taking a bite out of the forbidden fruit, teetering on the edge of sin. We breathed life into each other with every kiss. We stripped ourselves of the clothes constraining us. I gasped as I pressed my body into his, like skinny dipping in a freezing cold pool. My insides were trembling and my fingers curled into my palm. Our bodies moved together continuously, thrashing and pressing, rearranging and twisting out of control. His hands grazed every inch of my body, exploring every plain and curve. My hands imprinted into his chest, travelling up to his neck and his face, holding it in my hands. His lips burned in my skin, venturing into regions that have never been exposed to another's touch before, let alone lips. I was sweating buckets, yet was freezing cold. The blanket Tyler wrapped around me earlier had slid down to the small of my back, covering only our legs. Our lips parted and hovered in front of each other for a moment. Tyler's eyes were so warm, his smile wide. It was like he was recognizing something in me, something he hadn't really seen before, as I did in him. While this was the furthest we'd ever gone physically, it didn't feel new. It was exciting and exhilarating, but also familiar. We didn't go all the way, but that was fine because we didn't need to. I just needed to feel him, to know he was here in his entirety.

I settled into his chest, catching my breath and recovering my heart rate. Tyler's body was tense, his hand barely resting on my back. His chest wasn't rising or falling as he breathed. I knew something was wrong, that he needed a moment, I just didn't know why. I slid to the side and pulled the blanket up to my neck, allowing him to get up and do whatever it was he had to do to be fine again. He gathered his clothes and quickly slipped on his pants, carrying his shirt in his left hand as he walked towards the door. He looked back at me, smiled and shook his head in amazement, like he didn't expect me to understand what he needed.

"I'll be right back." He said before disappearing down the hallway. His footsteps were so light down the stairs I could barely hear them.

I sunk back into the couch, mouthing a 'wow' as I reminded myself that the last ten minutes actually happened, that the last hour had happened and I wasn't just having some desperate dream under Dane's watch. I don't even feel like myself right now. It's like Tyler extracted this other identity in me, some hidden personality hidden deep within me. One month ago I was still trying to find myself and was trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do in this life. I would have much rather stayed in my room alone than with someone, hating having to try to be fun to be with. I would have rather lived in a book than actually enjoy real life. But now, all I want is to live in the moment, I want to share that moment with someone I know I don't have to try so hard with. I've never felt so aware, so alive, like life is tingling through my veins and out of my fingertips. He gave me a life full of vibrancy and electricity, he led me to the self I was searching so hard to find and he became the answer to my purpose in this world.

Tyler appeared in the doorway out of thin air. He leaned into the doorway with his wrist at his forehead, watching me. He then sauntered over to me with a seductive smile on his face, reclaiming his spot beside me on the couch. I scooted over, holding the blanket to myself. Tyler put his arm around me as he plopped down, crossing his legs at his ankles. His shirt was only partially button, with most of them left undone to expose his chest. As I nestled into him, breathing him in, my eyes scanned is form. At first I didn't notice anything, but when I wrapped my arm around his torso I saw the smear on his shirt in between two of the buttons. It was dark now, absorbed by a dark blue strip of fabric in his blue, white and grey plaid shirt, but I could tell that it was red. The stain wasn't there before. I inched my eyes closer, pinching the fabric in between my thumb and index finger.

"What is this?" I asked myself curiously, my voice barely a whisper. I swiped my finger along it, feeling it was wet. When I looked at my finger a red, liquid residue stained my fingertip. I sat up, examining it. I held it up to my nose and could smell the metallic odour coming from it. I looked at Tyler, who looked guiltily at me. I pressed my thumb to my stained index finger, rubbing my fingertips together.

"I had a nose bleed. I get them from time to time." He said, the words fumbling out of his mouth.

"Oh." I said, scrunching my nose at the fact that his nose bleed blood was in between my fingertips.

"I should take you home soon." Tyler said, letting out a sigh.

"I know." I groaned, not wanting to leave and knowing what was waiting for me once I did get home. "Can't we just run away somewhere no one can find us?" I said as I settled back into his chest.

"Someday." He said, his fingers working through my hair again. "We'll be together."

"Don't tease me." I muttered.

"I'm very serious. Someday we'll be somewhere brilliant without a care in the world." He spoke out into the distance as if he were imagining it. "But for now, there are obstacles we need to overcome, one of them being to get you home before your friend turns this town upside down."

"What if he keeps me from seeing you again? I can't go back to that." I confessed.

"You won't. I'll be here this time, I'll fight for you."

"Promise?" I asked, looking up at him. He raised my chin up, bringing me closer to his face. His lips parted and slid into mine.

"I promise." He mumbled, our lips still touching.

The car ride home seemed to zip past me. Tyler drove slowly, even though it annoyed him to be moving at what to him is a meandering pace, which just so happens to be the speed limit. Even so, it felt like I was teleported home, like the car ride didn't even happen. Tyler parked by the curb across the street from my house. All of the lights were on and I could see Lindsey walk into the kitchen. It seemed normal, but for all I know Dane could be in there, fuming with anger, waiting for me to walk through the door to unleash his wrath.

"It's okay, you can go in." Tyler reassured, caressing my cheek with his thumb. I shook my head.

"This sucks." I sighed. Tyler laughed.

"I know, but I'll be back soon." He leaned over to me and kissed me on the forehead, then gestured toward the door. I opened the door, about to step out when his hand grasped my arm.

"I love you." He said, his words clear and concise.

"I love you too." I smiled, stepping out of the car. I closed the door and watched him speed away down the street. As he turned out of the street my chest muscle constricted, like my heart was breaking off and was being pulled out of my chest on a string latched to Tyler's car.

When I got inside, I walked in on my family eating dinner as they always are. I just watched them for a moment, each member of my family in their claimed spots around the table, and realized that this is the one crumple of normalcy in my life at the moment. Nothing else seems to make sense, everything is happening so fast and my emotions are all over the map, but then I look at my family in the kitchen and everything is so well put together, so ordinary.

"What happened to Dane? Is the plumbing at his house fixed?" My mom asked, referring to the story he fed my parents about his plumbing being out of whack and needing a place to stay, hence my 24 hour guard dog.

"Uh, yeah, I guess so." I replied, not really sure what was going on with 'the plumbing' and whether he'd still 'need a place to stay'.

"Well, that's good. It was nice having him around, though. It made me feel more secure knowing you weren't alone all the time." My mom said, piercing her fork through a piece of broccoli.

"Oh yeah, he was security alright." I mumbled sarcastically.

"Where've you been?" My dad jumped in.

"Um." Crap. I couldn't say Tyler's, that could potentially find its way to Dane's ears and he would be furious. "Jessica." I blurted.

"Jessica?" My dad looked up, one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, she came to get me so we could hang out for a while." I explained, fumbling through my words. My dad tilted his head, then pursed his lips and shrugged, buying my alibi.

"I should call Dane and find out about that plumbing." I said as I backed out of the kitchen. Lindsey eyed me with a 'why would I care?' expression on her face, Zack wasn't even fazed by my presence, and my parents nodded, their eyes on their plates. Oh, how I've missed the normal, nobody cares what I do vibe of my family.

I found my phone in my bed, hidden between folds in my comforter. Obviously it was carelessly tossed on to my bed, most likely when Dane realized I was gone. When I picked it up it was dead. I plugged my phone into its charger and dialled Dane's phone number, my heart thumping in my chest. I was actually afraid to talk to him. Things really have changed. The ringing stopped, someone had answered, but they remained silent.

"Hello?" I asked nervously.

"Damn it, Stella! Do you understand what I've been through trying to find your uncooperative ass? What the hell happened to you?" Dane was shouting so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear.

"I'm sorry, I was ambushed." I tried to explain, reminding myself to stick to the alibi I fed to my family.

"Oh, I'm sure he ambushed you. What'd he do? Scale the side of your house and pull your out like God damn repunzel? What did he do to you?" Dane's voice went from angry to concerned, with a furious edge.

"_He_ didn't do anything to me. It wasn't even Tyler. Jessica came over, she wanted to hang out. I didn't think you'd be opposed to her."

"Right, Jessica came to your window for a couple hours of girly chit chat. I'm coming over. This is not happening again." He huffed. There was a scuffle and a girl's voice in the background.

"Is that Sophia?" I asked.

"Yeah." Dane grunted.

"Look, I know you'd much rather spend the night with her than me, so just trust me and know that I don't need you to guard me anymore. I get it, Tyler's bad news. I'm done with him."

"Really?" He asked, his scepticism clear. I gulped, praying I could pull this off.

"Really. After not seeing him for an entire week, I realized how stupid the whole thing was. He's not even my type." I lied. Dane sighed deeply into the phone.

"I'm giving you one chance, Stella. If you break my trust again, consider me your new roommate." He warned.

"Yes, oh mighty watchdog, I understand." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Don't call me that."

"What?"

"Don't call me a dog." He said sternly.

"Dane, I was kidding." I chuckled in disbelief that he was actually offended.

"Goodnight, Stella. Behave." Dane warned before hanging up.

I stared at the phone, amazed that he was letting me off the hook tonight. Maybe it was because Sophia was there, a person I didn't know but of whom I was entirely grateful to at the moment.

* * *

**A/N: **Just a note about the poem My Love is Like to Ice by Edmund Spencer, found it completely by chance through the great powers of 's a beautiful piece, check out the original if you get a chance. It's very Edward and Bella, except reversed. I'd post the link here but everytime I try it always takes it out, so if you want to read the original just google the title and author's name and it should come up. :)


	15. Don't Tell Me

**14. Don't Tell Me **

I jumped into my bed, feeling as free as the bird in my last name, glad to finally have some privacy and my room to myself. I eyed the copy of New Moon on my night stand, its pages calling to me. I missed the feeling Twilight gave me when I read it, even though Tyler brought those feelings out in me pretty easily. But, he wasn't here right now and I needed a fix. I swiped the book from the night stand and cracked it open to the first page.

The first chapter was eerily like the dream I had of me and Edward, or Tyler, I can't even tell the difference anymore, in the video store. My stomach twisted as I put myself in Bella's shoes, until I reminded myself that this was fiction. I laughed to myself and continued to read about Bella's birthday, her attitude towards which was ridiculous. How do you not like your birthday? It's the one day devoted to you, where you're the centre of attention. Even the shyest of hermits enjoys her birthday. Then the paper cut happened and everything turned south. I read up until Edward left, refusing to go on. As Edward explained his family was leaving, I felt like someone had punched their hand through my chest, slinked their fingers around my heart and squeezed as hard as they could. I could see now why Tyler didn't like New Moon or the rest of the series, angered by the fact that Edward was all for staying after Bella had been bitten by a vampire, but then leaves at the first paper cut. It was complete bull shit. I closed the book and returned it to my bedside table where I could pick it up again should I choose to put myself through that a second time.

I turned off the light and closed my eyes, breathing in and out slowly, repeating the words 'in and out' in my mind like a mantra. The blackness behind my lids dissipated, bringing me to a world outside of my bedroom. I was walking down a trail in a forest, the leaves bright reds, yellows and oranges above us, coloring the sunless world. Out of nowhere a pair of hands pinch my sides, the most ticklish part of my body, sending me into a fit of laughter. I fall back into something hard, the hands now wrapped around my waist, their coolness penetrating through my light jacket. We're both laughing as we roll over, Tyler hovering above me. He sweeps hair out of my face with his hand, kisses my forehead, then presses his lips to mine. His face hovers above mine again, a vision with the trees behind him.

"You're something else." I whisper. He chuckles.

"You of all people know that, Bella." He says.

I opened my eyes and sat up in bed abruptly, looking over to my clock which informed me that it was only 9:37 PM. I had, however, slept for a good three hours. I dropped my head back to my pillow, my hand to my forehead. The dreams are back, still not making any sense at all. I stared at my ceiling, its beige color looking more like a dark taupe in the darkness. The lights in the backyard came on, probably from an animal walking by, a possum or a rabbit perhaps, the light tattooing the silhouette of the blinds into the wall. I glanced up at my window, noticing a round-ish shadow invading the shadow of the blinds on the wall. I sat up again, squinting at the window, swearing that I saw the shape move. I carefully removed the blanket covering my legs and hung them over the edge of the bed.

_Tap. _

I held my breath at the sound, curling my legs back under the covers. I felt like I was being watched again, a feeling I was getting very tired of. Maybe there was a stalker lurking outside of my window right now, just waiting to catch me asleep so he can strike.

_Tap. _"Ssstella" He grunted. He knew my name. There was another sound, like something sliding down the brick. I reached for my 'Live. Laugh. Love.'cylinder lamp, ready to use it as a weapon if it came to that.

"It's Tyler." He said, his hand pressed to the glass. My heart dropped to my stomach as I sighed in relief. I put the lamp down and hurried to open the window, where I found him hanging on to the frame by his fingertips. He had planted his feet at the base of my window sill, his legs crouched and is fingers clutching to the sides of the window frame. I pushed my window open slowly, afraid he may fall.

"Hello." He said, smiling my favourite crooked smile.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

"I told you I'd be back." He grunted. "Are you going to let me in?"

I stepped aside and watched as he gracefully slid into my room from the window. I glanced down outside my window, amazed how he managed to hoist himself up to the second floor.

"I can't believe you're here. I guess that puts Dane's trust out the window. I told him I wouldn't see you again." I revealed.

"He'll live." Tyler smirked. I slinked my arms around his waist, clinging myself to him. Tyler responded by putting an arm around me and his hand at my head, cradling me to his chest. He kissed the top of my head, lingering there for a moment.

"Will you stay?" I asked. "And actually be here in the morning?" I added.

"If that's what you want. But we need to talk first." He said, pulling away gently.

"Can it wait? My parents are still awake, so is Lindsey and she has ears like a dog."

"I've put this off long enough." He sighed.

"I guess we could go to the backyard." I suggested. Tyler motioned to the window.

"Oh no, I can't." I said, stepped away from the window.

"You've done it before. I'll be there to catch you."

"That was in a moment of desperation." I said as Tyler swung his legs out the window. He sat on the sill for a minute, smiled back and me and then leapt. I rushed to the window, poking my head out, expecting to see him sprawled out awkwardly on the ground. But, he was standing at the bottom with his arms out, looking up at me.

"Ta-da!" He cheered. "Come on."

I awkwardly hung my leg out of the window, then leaned back to get the other one out. I sat on the sill, looking down. This looked much further up than it did earlier today. Tyler held his hands up to me, ready to catch me when I fall.

"Do you trust me?" He asked.

"Yes." I replied, my voice shaky.

"You can do it." He encouraged. "There's a kiss waiting for you down here." He smiled. Well then, I couldn't waste any more time sitting in my window when a kiss is waiting for me. I shrugged, squeezed my eyes closed and pushed myself from the window, holding my breath on the way down. As he did the first time, Tyler caught me and lowered me to the ground slowly. He held me to him, tilted my face up to his and kissed me. It was passionate and desperate, his hands moving from my waste to cup my face. We fell back into the wall of the house, the ridges in brick poking into my back. When Tyler pulled away I was breathless.

"Well, that certainly was worth it." I breathed. Tyler chuckled, one hand sliding just underneath my jaw line, the other relaxed at his side. The silliness drifted and Tyler's face froze into a serious expression, his brows furrowed as he gazed deeply at me, as if he were committing every detail of my face to memory.

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked, his expression worrying me. Tyler backed away, walking towards the edge of the forest. He turned his head to the side, his eyes closed and his mouth in a tight line. I walked up to him, placing a hand on his back. He turned to face me.

"I haven't been completely honest with you about who I am. It's time you knew the truth." He explained, his eyes targeting mine. A bubble rose in my throat. Dane was right, Tyler was keeping something important from me. A whimper escaped my throat.

"The truth?" I repeated, my voice cracking.

"This may be a bit hard to believe but I assure you it is every bit of the truth."

My lips parted as my breathing quickened. Here it comes. Every muscle in my body tensed. I clenched my teeth, preparing for whatever this truth was. Tyler licked his lips and sighed.

"My name is not Tyler McCulley." He began. I looked at him peculiarly. "My name is Edward Cullen." He spoke each word slowly and concisely. I heard what he had said but it just wasn't registering properly. When it hit me that he claimed he was a fictional character from a book I almost wanted to laugh.

"Okay, _Edward_." I said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. "I'll bite." I shrugged. "You _are_ like my very own Edward Cullen. Everyone's been saying it since the day we met." I smiled, swaying my shoulders from side to side.

"Stella." He uttered my name, his voice filled with sorrow, like he was begging me to understand. But I did, didn't I? He's trying to tell me he's like Edward to me. I can't deny it, heck he's even been Edward in my crazy Twilight dreams. Tyler stepped closer to me, lowering his gaze. "Listen to me, I _am_ Edward Cullen. My family, we're the Cullens, just like the ones you read about in the book. Don't you see it?" He widened his golden eyes inches from mine. "Can't you feel it?" He placed his hands on my upper arms.

I gulped and took a step back, away from him. His hands were freezing, a fact I'd always been aware of but had chosen to ignore. His eyes were a strange color, and I never could see the rim to his contacts, even when I was close to his face. His entire family looked just like him, with pale skin, golden eyes and striking beauty. Suddenly every ounce of information I knew about Tyler came rushing to the forefront, from when he messed up his last name the day I met him, to his fascination with Twilight and the love story it harboured, to letting it slip that he's from Forks, the town the Twilight books are set in. He brought me to a meadow for Christ's sake. Had it always been this obvious? But this is ridiculous. If he's Edward Cullen then he's trying to tell me he's a vampire and vampires do not exist. Edward Cullen doesn't exist. This is insanity that I refuse to believe. The more seconds that passed, the crazier this all seemed.

"You're delusional." I huffed, shaking my head.

"Please. Look at me." He begged, but I couldn't. When I looked at him all I saw now were his eyes and his skin, chills tickling my bones. This has to be another whack dream, this isn't reality.

"I know this sounds insane, but just let me explain, please." He pled.

"What is there to explain? You think you're a character from a book." I sneered.

"You can't refuse how cold my skin is, or the color of my eyes and what that means. Think about the blood you found on my shirt today, Stella. Being so close to you was becoming difficult, I needed to turn away the hunger."

My eyes widened in surprise as he revealed the obvious signs. Coming from his mouth made them more real, more apparent. I wanted to deny it, but for the life of me I couldn't. My insides were at war again, my mind and my heart vying for center stage. This was literally impossible, he couldn't be a vampire, let alone one from a book.

"My family, they're all like me. Surely you noticed the resemblance. Alice warned me that you wouldn't take this well, but I know that you can see through this, that you can remember. Our love is stronger than this." He insisted, his voice getting louder the more desperately he tried to convince me of what he was telling me.

I gave in and stole a glance at him, his eyes pleading with me to see and accept him. But all I saw when I looked at him was a stranger. The Tyler I thought I knew was no longer there. I whimpered again, trying to fight back the sob that grew at the base of my throat.

"I – I can't believe this." I breathed, stepping towards my house.

"Stella, wait! Just let me explain everything from the beginning. You have to remember. You have to know who we are!" He yelled after me, but I kept walking.

I opened the gate and walked towards the driveway, knowing he'd follow, my bare feet slapping urgently against the cool, damp pavement. I couldn't deal with this right now. None of it made any sense. One minute I'm in love with this incredible guy and the next it all melts to muck. It was too much for me to handle. This past week had been agony, paired with this made it one of the worst weeks of my life. I began to crave normalcy, to go back to life before Tyler, when I was just coasting through existence until something good comes along. Of course, I thought Tyler was that good something, but now I wasn't so sure.

I stopped in the middle of my driveway when I realized the Volvo wasn't parked across the street like it usually was when Tyler came over.

"I didn't drive here." His voice echoed from behind me. I hadn't heard his footsteps following me, it was like he appeared out of thin air.

"Just stop it, Tyler, Edward, whoever you are." I shouted and walked towards my front door.

"I can prove it to you if you'll let me. I'll show you how I got here." He called after me. I stopped, fear rising in me. I didn't want to see his supposed way of travel which I knew, for a vampire, was running at high speeds. No wonder he always hated driving at the speed limit. I pinched the bridge of my nose, amazed I was actually rationalizing his behaviour according to vampires. It amazed me even more that it actually made sense, everything I found mysterious before now became perfectly clear if I gave in to this vampire thing. But I couldn't, not really. That just isn't me, I knew better.

"No. Just leave. Please." I turned to look at him, my heart aching at his wounded face. His usually tense, at ease stature was loose and slouchy. He was defeated. I bit down on my bottom lip as the ball in my throat rose again. My heart was being pulled on that string again, attached to him. But my rational mind knew to end this now, that what he was claiming was pure insanity, that the Tyler I fell in love with, that I thought I knew so well, was a lie.

"I'm sorry." He muttered.

"Me too." I whispered as I turned towards my front door. Luckily, my parents never locked the door until they went to sleep. Keeping my hand on the door knob, I looked behind me to the driveway one last time. He was gone. A tear rolled down my cheek, past my jaw and down my neck at the cruel reality that this seriously just happened.

I sat on my porch, staring at the empty space in my driveway that he was standing in before he disappeared. I felt so lost. My mind was clouded, failing to formulate a coherent thought. I just stared blankly at the driveway, wishing I could take it all back. I wished I never read that stupid book, that I could go back to my blissful ignorance, that he never showed up. But I knew that was crazy, that I would be miserable. I was miserable before him. Life was a series mandatory tasks that I completed robotically up to the standard that was expected, and when I wasn't doing that I was reading, trying to escape into another world. But then he showed up and I started living.

I hung my head in my hands, which quickly moistened from the tears that fell into my palms, that seeped into their creases and lines and collected in between my fingers. A rush of memories flashed before my closed eyes, of Tyler. But they were memories I didn't recognize. We're driving in an old silver car, we're laughing in a meadow, we're wrapped in blankets hugging each other in an unfamiliar bed, he's sliding a ring onto the second last finger of my left hand, he's telling me he loves me, he's calling me Bella.

I rose my head, opening and closing my eyes to get the images out of my mind. Now all I can see is the house across the street, their landscaping withering in the cold. The street is filled with fallen leaves that have since turned brown and glossy from the rain.

I felt so stupid. How did I miss all of the signs? Dane had been trying to warn me from the beginning not to get involved with Tyler. Or Edward. _Him_. I should've just listened to Dane. I hated to say that he was right, but he was. I wished he could have just told me, but still, he knew and he tried to keep me safe. I've been such a bitch to him, all for a guy who's lied to me.

He broke my trust, made me believe he was someone he isn't and yet my heart feels like it's cut open and spilling out on to the interlocking brick of my driveway, sinking into the creases and flowing out to the street like skinny red seas. The ghost of his touch lingers around my waist, his scent drifts through the breeze and his taste is still on my lips, refusing to go away no matter how many times I swipe my tongue across them. I feel broken without him. Despite everything, I still need him, I still want him. I love him.

Edward Cullen. I repeated the name over and over in my mind, trying to make myself process it. I thought back to when he first showed up in town, how everyone kept calling him the real life Edward Cullen. They all saw it, but I didn't. His name didn't even generate results on Google. Well, his supposed alias didn't, anyway. But Edward Cullen gave me millions. Even Google was trying to tell me. Even _he_ tried to tell me in subtle ways, like the way he spelled his name in instant messages and texts; tylEr mCculley – EC.

I pressed my hand to my forehead. It made sense, in a doesn't make sense kind of way. He said it himself: how else can you explain the unexplainable, unless you explain it with something that's equally unexplainable?

I decided to go inside when it began to rain, a typical occurrence for Wolfville. Maybe if I slept I could think more clearly in the morning, maybe I'd wake up and find out it was all a dream. Even if it was, I'm not so sure it's something I can bounce back from.

I've had many restless nights before, but none like last night. Every time I shut my eyes he was there, staring at me, reaching into my chest and placing his cold hand on my heart, freezing it. After the third time this occurred I stopped trying to sleep. Instead I buried my face in my pillow and cried. It was like all of the water in my body went to my eyes and poured out, a never ending flow of salty drops drenching my pillow. Tissues began to cover my carpet after the numerous times I had to blow my nose, until the point where all I could see when I looked down were a deep sea of crumpled, soggy tissues.

I'd gotten tired of laying there crying for reasons I wasn't even sure of. It was early morning, probably around four. It was still dark out and everyone was asleep. I snuck into Lindsey's room and took her copy of Twilight, bringing it back to my room where I locked myself in again. Sitting in the centre of my bed, I opened the book, scanning the pages for him. He was there, in every description and every bit of dialogue. The line between Tyler and Edward blurred and suddenly they became one. I could deny, deny, deny but it didn't keep it from being the truth and I knew it. He is something beyond human. He is otherworldly. I've known it always, since the very first time I saw him, from the first time his cold skin collided with my warmth. He made up excuses but I didn't bother questioning because it was right in its wrongness. But even now I'm not sure what any of it means.

How is this possible? How is he what he is? I want to know, but then I don't. Maybe it's better to leave it be. But I can't. The world is a dark, cruel place without him now. I'm afraid; of him, of what he says he is, of what all of it would mean for me. I'm afraid to admit that I believe it, because if I do it goes against everything, science and nature, reality.

I have so many questions, so many untied ends. Why did he choose me? He could have anyone, why did he want me? What did he see when he looked at me the way he did sometimes, with his eyes drilling deep into mine and extracting a part of me I didn't know existed?

How did Bella accept it so easily in the books? How could she just throw herself into it without a second thought? I can't do it. Even if I could, it's too late now. He revealed himself and I rejected him, he's probably long gone. I wished I gave him a chance to explain, but in that moment it was like someone telling me the world didn't exist. It just wouldn't process, no matter how much I tried to consider it, it was just not feasible. When he tried to explain it was like my brain had completely shut down and all I could think of was that I'd been lied to and betrayed, that I'd fallen in love with someone who isn't really real. Now I wish I would have listened, but it's done and, although vampires may exist, you still can't turn back time.

Knocks rang in my ears, quiet and then louder and louder. Then someone shouted my name. I opened my eyes to the grey brightness of a new day, not sure when I'd fallen asleep. I became aware of the tapping of the rain outside. I groaned and sat up in bed, Lindsey's Twilight book fumbling to the floor.

"Stella? Are you in there?" Lindsey asked again. I opened my mouth to reply, but wasn't sure anything would come out. It was like I hadn't the strength to speak.

"Yeah." I moaned. I could hear Lindsey fumbling for something to unlock my door with, then the jiggle of the door handle and finally the whoosh when the door opened.

"You look dead." She said, placing a hand on her hip. I stared blankly at the wall, not acknowledging her. She walked towards me. "What happened? Is it Tyler?"

I twitched at the sound of his name. Lindsey sat down beside me, put an arm around me and held me, rocking me from side to side.

"It's okay, Stel. He wasn't all that in a bag of chips. He was like, those giant chips you're surprised fit in the bag. What you need is a wish chip, the real prize, the unique one out of all the other regular chips." She said, caressing my hair. I let out a quiet giggle.

"He was a wish chip." I mumbled.

"What happened?" She asked again, her voice a sympathetic whisper.

"He told me something about himself, the truth. I couldn't believe it, so I made him leave." I explained, trying to be as general as possible.

"Did he explain why he lied?" She asked. I shook my head.

"I didn't really let him explain." I admitted.

"Oh. Well, do you think maybe he had a good reason for it?"

"I don't know. I guess." I shrugged.

"You love him right?"

"I do. Very much."

"And he loves you?"

"Yeah."

"Since he loves you enough to tell you the truth, maybe you should let him explain. This could all be for nothing, you know? It could be a small little thing that won't matter after he tells you why."

I looked up at my little sister, thirteen years old and way wiser than I am. She was completely right. If I loved him as much as I say I do then I would have given him the chance to explain. And maybe it is something small, maybe he didn't mean what he said literally and I'm just over reacting like I usually do. But as the hope fell from my face, I realized I may have lost my chance.

"What's wrong, Stel?" Lindsey asked.

"It's too late, I think." I answered.

"There is no such thing. Just call him." She insisted, handing me my cell phone. I took it from her, staring at it like it was covered in spit. I wanted to let him explain, but I was scared of what his answers may be.

"It doesn't hurt to take a risk every once in a while, Stella." Lindsey said as she stood in my doorway to leave. I looked up to her like she just rose her hands and spoke the gospel that changed my life. Take a risk, Tyler's favourite thing to say. Maybe it was some kind of miraculous sign, maybe it was fate, whatever it was it was pushing me to find his number in my phone and hit the call button.

The ringing was tedious to listen to, like death loomed closer after each ring, making me feel even more nervous after each tone. He wasn't answering, he's ignoring me, I wounded him. I'm not ready to face him yet anyway, I concluded. I hung up the phone, left it in the middle of my bed and left my room. I needed to not think about this, to compose myself. I shuffled past Lindsey's room, hoping she wouldn't catch me. Thankfully she was listening to her iPod and typing feverishly on her laptop, probably another blog to profess her Twilight love.

It occurred to me then how obvious Tyler should have been to Lindsey. In fact, I think she did catch it. She grilled him when he came over for dinner, each question specifically about Edward Cullen. And Tyler barely touched his food. But after he saved her from her fall, Lindsey was completely normal, like she hadn't suspected a thing. Maybe _I'm_ being delusional.

I hopped down the stairs, thinking being around Zack would somehow make me forget about all of this for a while.

"Hey honey, you're up early." My dad's voice came out of nowhere as I stepped into the foyer, turning to head down the second set of stairs to the basement. I turned around, my hand over my heart.

"Dad, you scared me to death." I said, walking towards him. He was sitting on the couch in the 'just for looks' family room, reading from an anthology of English literature, one of his favourite things to do. He, too, took advantage of the never used room for reading.

"Sorry." He laughed. He waved me over, patting the spot next to him.

"What are you reading?" I asked as I sat down next to him. He put his arm around me, holding me close with a proud smile on his face.

"Well, my wedding anniversary is coming up, I wanted to find something lovely to write on some parchment paper as a card for your mom." He explained. "Tell me what you think of this," He cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders. " This was the way with them: they were like honeysuckle which you see wrapped around a hazel tree; when it takes hold there and has bound the trunk with tendrils all around, they will live, both vine and stem, but should someone uncouple them, then the hazel quickly dies, and the honeysuckle likewise." He looked at me when he finished, a questioning look on his face. "Romantic, or morbid?" He asked.

The lines resonated in my mind, 'should someone uncouple them, then the hazel quickly dies, and the honeysuckle likewise'.

"What's that called?" I asked, still deep in my own thoughts.

"Lanval by Marie de France. It's a nice little romance, you should read it sometime." He recommended. I nodded.

'They are like honeysuckle which you see wrapped around a hazel tree. Should someone uncouple them, then the hazel quickly dies, and the honeysuckle likewise.' I repeated the line in my head, the words echoing louder and louder. He's become so entwined in my life that without him I'll die. I've been without him once and it was shrivelling my heart to nothing. What makes me think I can go an entire life without him, when just a week was killing me?

"Are you okay, sweetie?" My dad asked, shaking me.

"Yeah, I just remembered I have to make a phone call." I said, standing up. "Use that for mom's card, she'll love it." I added before running up the stairs to my phone.

I swiped the phone from my bed and turned it on to make the call when I noticed I had one missed call. He called back. My heart lifted and for a minute I forgot about everything he told me, I just wanted to see him in front of me. But I couldn't get ahead of myself, he had a lot of explaining to do and I needed to listen. With that, I dialled the number, waiting only one ring before he answered.

"Stella?" He asked. My throat closed at the sound of his voice. "Stella, are you there?"

I nodded, realizing he can't see me. "Yeah." I muttered.

"It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry that I scared you away, I didn't mean to, but you needed to know the truth." He began.

"It's okay, I should've let you explain. That's why I called. Can we meet later and talk about this?" I asked, getting straight to business before I freaked out and hung up.

"Of course. Tell me when and where and I'll be there."

"Peck Meadow at three?" I suggested.

"I'm there. Thank you."

"I'll see you." I mumbled before hanging up. I was afraid if he told me he loved me now I just might crumble to pieces.

I glanced at the mirror, at my slept on hair and uneven face. I couldn't see him like this. I groaned as I made my way to the shower. I turned the water hot, just as I liked it. It burned my skin and relaxed my muscles, but it wasn't as comforting as I thought it would be. I turned the knob towards C and let the shock of the temperature hit me full on. This was comfort. This was home. It brought me just a little bit closer to him. I humoured the idea of just taking cold showers for the rest of my life instead of going to see him today and getting sucked back in to him. But I couldn't live like that, I'd be taking cold showers every hour of the day. I needed him longer than that, deeper than that.

I blew out my hair, not bothering with a curling iron but making sure it was still presentable. When it came to picking out an outfit my frustration bubbled to the surface. I've never felt like I had to try to impress him before, but now it's like I have to pull out all of the stops. Maybe I should pull a Jessica and do a little giggle fest here, a muscle grab there. This was ridiculous. But maybe he wouldn't want me if I was just my regular self and he was this Edward Cullen mythical God in the flesh. I ended up wearing grey jeans, a white t-shirt and my leather jacket, my usual attire. I did my hair and makeup, that should be enough. The man lied to me, I shouldn't have bothered getting dolled up at all. But I'd feel so inferior if I didn't, a matter I never had to deal with when he was just Tyler, that mysterious dude I fell for too fast.

When I got to the little gravel road before Peck Meadow, the Volvo was already there. My heart stopped in my chest at the idea of him sitting inside waiting for me, but when I pulled up beside it, it was empty. I hesitantly got out and began walking through the trees, grateful that it wasn't raining. It was fairly gloomy today, maybe even a little gloomier than usual.

I stopped at the edge of the trees before the meadow when I saw him standing there, his back towards me but his head turned to the side. He heard me coming, I was sure of it. He didn't move or say anything. It reminded me of the first time I saw him in the meadow, thinking he belonged there, how I'd never see the meadow in the same light after seeing him at the centre of it. I bit down on my bottom lip and chewed on the inside of my cheek, anything to keep me from crying. I took a deep breath and walked towards him. He turned slowly, his mouth cautiously smiling, his brows furrowed. His scent permeated the air, both comforting me and tensing me. I was at a loss for words.

"I wasn't sure you were going to come." He finally said.

"Neither was I." I admitted. It was so hard to look at him, I had to keep glancing at the ground, but I also couldn't keep my eyes off of him.

"I realize what I told you was a lot to handle, but it is every bit of the truth." His eyes pleaded with me.

"That's what you keep saying." I muttered.

"Do you have any questions about it?" He asked.

"I just don't understand. I don't even know what to call you."

"Edward. Please, call me Edward." He insisted.

"Okay." I agreed. "Edward." He closed his eyes when I spoke his name, a smile creeping across his face.

"It's been so long since I've heard it." He said. I pressed my hand to my forehead, trying to remain patient and open minded, but this was freaking me out.

"I just can't – it doesn't make any sense. You want me to believe you're a..."

"Vampire." He said, finishing my sentence. "I know it's hard to grasp, but it's what I am. A lot of things exist that humans assume are fictional."

"Don't tell me; werewolves too?" I asked sarcastically. Edward laughed. It's so hard not to call him Tyler, but Edward just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? It feels good saying it for some out of this world reason.

"Fine, let's say I believe you. Where's Bella?" I asked. Edward licked his lips, a crooked smile shyly appearing.

"I'm looking at her." He said simply. I gulped, taking a step back. Something inside me flickered to life and warmed my soul as if he were right. But I knew he wasn't, I know who I am. It made this even more weird, to the point where I wanted to run through the trees to my car and leave.

The smile fell from his face as he took in my reaction to his words. I suppose he was expecting me to be showered with joy, to run into his arms and tell him to take me, but it's not that easy.

"Don't you remember? Even a little?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper. I shook my head, although a part of me was screaming yes. I didn't want to believe it, but I had had memories that weren't my own as early as yesterday.

"Maybe." I admitted. "It just doesn't make sense. It's not possible." I insisted.

"Are you ready to hear the full truth from the very beginning?" He asked, his hand held up, hesitant to touch me. I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest.

"The Twilight books were written for a purpose, based on my life with you." I flinched. "With Bella." He added. "My family had settled back into Forks during the 1950s, a town we'd lived in once before. I didn't think this time would be any different, until I met Bella in 1953. At first it was her blood that had drawn me in, a scent so potent I wasn't sure I could control myself around her. Then I realized I couldn't read her mind, which made her much more fascinating to me. She was different, unlike any human I'd ever met. She challenged me, made me feel alive. Despite everything our love went against, we knew we couldn't survive apart. After high school, we decided to go to Dartmouth together, I proposed after our college graduation and we married shortly after. It was a small service with just family."

He stopped there, staring at his fiddling fingers. I wanted to put my hands over his, to comfort him, but I couldn't allow myself to. His story rang in my ears. As he told it I could see it, every bit of it. Images flashing before my open eyes of things I'd never done, of a life I'd never lived. To say I was terrified is an extreme understatement. But as much as it scared me, I didn't want him to stop. I wanted to know what happened, how his supposed life played out, how any of this is possible to begin with.

"Then what happened?" I asked meekly. His eyes shot up to meet mine, a warmth penetrating through them.

"We spent every moment of every day together, blissfully in love. She begged me to turn her many times as her age creeped past my physical age, but I refused take her life or subject her to my existence. We discussed it seriously once on her thirtieth birthday. By then she decided she was okay with growing old, as long as I didn't mind the wrinkling and the sagging." He laughed, looking off into the distance as he remembered. "She grew older, but she was always the same, seventeen year old Bella to me. I knew death was inevitable, but I never expected it to happen so soon."

My head started to hurt, the pain concentrated towards the back of my head, to the right.

"She had a brain aneurism when she was forty-two. November 17th, 1978." The pain in my head dissipated then as he told me the date this supposed Bella died.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, unsure of what else to say. He nodded, then took in a deep breath.

"I planned on joining her, knowing I couldn't exist without her. But Alice came to me, claiming she saw me reunited with Bella. At first I didn't believe it, I knew Bella was dead. She explained that she wouldn't look the same on the outside, but the moment she saw the girl's eyes she saw my Bella." Edward paused, took a step closer and looked deeply into my eyes. "She saw _you_. And as crazy as it may sound, I see it too. I knew right away it was you. But if your eyes weren't any indication, the fact that I can't read your mind certainly is."

"You read minds?" I asked, dumbfounded. He smiled his crooked smile, making me melt in my moment of confusion and fear.

"Yes, I am Edward Cullen, after all." As he said it again, it didn't seem as shocking.

"Right." I mumbled. "Then what happened?"

"I decided to postpone my plans to join Bella in the afterlife and vowed I would find you. I have to admit, I didn't think I would. Alice isn't always right, things change course all of the time. But I had to try. I knew I couldn't just walk up to you, hold you in my arms and tell you who I am and who you were, you'd think I was insane. I needed a distant, yet effective approach, something that would tell you everything and hopefully revive your memory of your past life without scaring you away. Although right now I'm not sure I've entirely prevented that." He said, letting out a breathy, cautious chuckle. He cleared his throat and continued.

"Alice had more visions of you and told me you were always reading in them, that a book would be the perfect vessel. At first, I'd planned on writing it myself, knowing that firsthand accounts of our life would be best, but Alice warned that its accuracy would expose us, should we be put in the public eye directly. I'd considered dropping the book on the doorstep of a writer, to allow them to take credit for it while still getting it out to you somehow, but then it would be subject to inaccurate changes that could ruin everything, so I decided against that. In the meantime I had been experimenting with my ability, realizing I hadn't even tapped into its full potential yet. I figured if I could penetrate into a mind and read it, then maybe I could manipulate it too. I practiced until I knew I had a good handle on it, with the intention of using it when I found a writer that I could trust with our story. I knew that the one I needed to influence would have to be a person far away from where we were from so as to not conjure suspicion. Arizona seemed fitting, since it's fairly sunny there, where a vampire could not safely be during the day without being exposed. I came across this hobby writer by chance. She had a mind full of creativity and a great imagination, so I knew that, if I laid the basics, she could run with the rest. This way, I'd get the gist of the story into it while she added whatever fiction she wished, so as to not make it blatantly obvious who we once were. One night as she slept I tapped into her mind, whispering words into her ear to inspire her dreams. I never expected for her to tap into my own mind, to dream the meadow so vividly. It was exactly the way it happened between you and I, so long ago. For a moment, I felt like I was back there with you as I watched it occur through her mind. We were discussing the impossibility of a relationship between us. I was so afraid of hurting you, but I knew I could never stay away from you."

He gazed deeply at me, his eyes pleading for me to remember. At first I was too wrapped up in the impossibility of it all, no matter how much it sounded like the truth. But then it occurred to me that I knew the dream he claims he manipulated Stephenie Meyer's mind to have. I had that dream. I held my breath, thinking he'd manipulated my mind to have the dream too, that he's taking over me somehow, until I remembered he can't read my mind. I had the dream all on my own.

_Impossible_, I thought. There is no way two characters from a vampire book actually existed, let only that one of them died and then was reincarnated. But it makes sense of everything, of every moment that occurred after meeting Tyler, or rather Edward, but he was Tyler at the time.

"Ha." I breathed, realizing I was starting to believe it all. It sounded crazy, like psychopath crazy, but for some reason I knew he wasn't lying. He recognized something in me from the very first day we met, I felt it. And I recognized something in him, I knew him, I felt safe with him, even though at the time it made very little sense, it was all based on intuition.

"I don't know what to think or what to say." I confessed. Because while some of it became clear in my mind, a part of me was still sceptical. "What about the rest of the books?" I asked out of curiosity. If there was a reason for the first, who's to say the rest weren't built with hidden messages too?

"That was all Stephenie. I never influenced her after Twilight. Well, not about us anyway. Jacob, however, insisted that I make sure she get the Quileute's and the werewolves right."

"Jacob Black? He existed too?"

"He _does_ exist. Werewolves don't age while they're werewolves. He looks much older than sixteen because of the growth spurt, but physically he still looks the same as he did back then."

The image of a face I didn't recognize appeared in my mind, of an angular face with russet toned skin, jet black hair and dark brown, almond shaped eyes. Jacob.

"Where is he?" I asked.

"He's been travelling with his wife, going where he's needed."

"His wife?"

"Yes, he imprinted shortly after you and I married." I flinched again as he referred to me as Bella. To me, we were two separate people.

"I'm sorry, I mean Bella and I. I know this is strange for you." He said.

"Yeah, strange isn't a strong enough word to describe this." I sighed.

"Does any of this trigger any memories? Anything?" He asked.

"I don't know." I mumbled, knowing it wasn't true. "I mean, I guess. It's just so hard to believe. But I did remember things, I think. I had dreams of us, but I just thought it was from reading the book. Which I guess it is, but I never thought any of it was true, I –" I stopped as my I got tongue tied and confused myself more than was necessary.

"It's alright, you don't have to explain." He said, holding his hand out to touch me, but then taking it back.

"So, just to recap; you're vampire Edward Cullen, your family are the Cullens and I am Bella Swan reincarnated and you put the idea for the books into Stephenie Meyer's mind hoping they would get to me, I'd read them and then remember I'm Bella. Yes?" I asked.

"Basically, yes." He answered. "Maybe if I showed you what I am it'd be easier to believe." I tensed, linking showing what he is to drinking blood, and considering I was the only one there with blood, a phrase such as that can be quite frightening.

"Relax Stella, I'm not going to feed on you." He laughed. "Once you got used to my speed, you loved it. You said it was like flying." He explained.

"You mean Bella?" I corrected.

"Yes. Would you like to go for a ride?" He asked, holding his hand out to me. I hesitated, but then slid my shaking hand into his. It was like zaps of electricity were going off into my palm as it pressed into his. "You're safe, I've got you." He assured as he stepped towards me. He crouched down, bending his knees as he turned his back to me, his hand still holding mine. "Grab on to my shoulders." He instructed. I slinked my arm over his shoulder, pressing my hand into his chest. He then began to rise, his back bent, lifting me. "Wrap your legs around my waist and close your eyes." He said as he stood up straighter. He then kissed my hand, gripped my arm and began to run.

At first it was terrifying, my stomach rose to my throat, my heart thumped hard and fast and I dug my fingers into him, holding on for dear life. But instinct told me to relax and when I did the speed was exhilarating. I rested my head on the back of his shoulder, giving up all of my control. I took in his scent and revelled in his cold skin, feeling like this was where I belonged. And now I knew his skin wasn't cold because of the weather, or that he wore contacts, I knew why he hated going slow when he drove and why never ate anything around me. He's a vampire. The word makes me wrinkle my nose and raise an eyebrow, but I'll be damned, it's true.

Edward began to slow down as we neared the meadow again, carefully coming to a stop. He let me down gently, still holding on to me in case I fell back. I was perfectly fine though, like I'd done this a thousand times. I had though, hadn't I? If I was Bella then there's no wonder why I'm so used to this. God, it's so weird to even consider it, that I had this iconic past life. It's like telling someone they were Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn in their previous life, except without the books telling your life to thousands of obsessed tweens, and without the vampires and the werewolves. It flips your world upside down, like a stellar explosion, a supernova, blasting life as you know it to shreds.

"So?" He asked curiously.

"So, I believe you." I announced. "It's...I don't even know what, but I clearly can't deny it. There's one thing I don't understand, though. Why would you risk exposure like that? Every day you're risking it, and for what?"

"For you. For us. It was a risk I had to take and a risk my family understood came with possible consequences. At first it was just that we had to move from place to place much sooner than usual. But when the books became this phenomenon we decided to live in Denali for a while, to remove ourselves from society until the hype died down and we could begin to integrate ourselves back into as close to a normal life as we can get."

"I can't believe you did that for me. You could've been killed if people found out what you were."

"If I didn't find you then it was a fate I would have gladly accepted. I understood that from the very beginning."

I let his words sink in, realizing without me he'd rather die. If we were to do this, to be together, wouldn't history just repeat itself? And then what? It'll be a never ending cycle. What if I don't want this? My life may not have been all that exciting before him, but it was still mine. I made plans for myself, I had my own path to follow. Just because he's Edward and I'm this Bella reincarnate doesn't mean I'd want to do it all over again. I love him more than anything, but eventually that love will come with a cost and I'm not so sure I'm willing to pay it.

"What now? If I believe that you're Edward and I'm Bella, where do we go from here? I have a life here, I'm an entirely different person."

"I realize you're different, but in so many ways you're exactly the same. I don't know where to go from here, either. I suppose we could always ask Alice." He chortled. "I knew that you not choosing a life with me was a possible outcome. Your happiness is all I could ever ask for."

His words resonated in my mind, 'choosing a life with me'. His life and mine dance along one fine line: death. Again, I was reminded of the cost that would eventually demand to be paid. The shock of what he'd told me was leaving me paralyzed. I needed to let this sink in, to really think about what all of this means, to let my mind grasp the fact that the Twilight book is real and that vampires and werewolves exist, that I had this past life with the vampire standing before me.

I wondered how happy I could really be without him. It's obvious that when he's not with me, I'm thinking about him and yearning for him. Would that need fade over time? Would I be able to forget him? Or would I be living with the regret and the guilt of what could have been? Or could the fact that he's a vampire, that he's Edward Cullen, get any easier? Could I remember our life more clearly and be able to fully believe? What about him? How would my decision affect him? Could we even make this work?

"What about you?" I asked.

"What about me?" He asked, as if he didn't matter.

"What if I leave here and realize this is too crazy for me to even begin to grasp? Or what if I do, but don't want to have another life with you? What will you do?"

"I'll always be here if you need me. But, when your time comes, I suppose so would mine." He answered with a deep sincerity.

"Don't say that." I mumbled.

"Stella, you and I, we're like honeysuckle wrapped around a hazel tree. Take them apart and the hazel dies –"

"And the honeysuckle likewise." I whispered, reciting the end of the verse from the poem my dad had read to me earlier.

"You know Lanval." He said. I nodded. "I can't survive in a world where you don't exist." I felt sick now that his life lied in my hands too.

"Give me time?" I asked. "This just needs to sink in. It's a lot to learn in a day."

"Of course. I don't want you to feel rushed. I just needed you to know the truth."

"You know it's funny, when I first met you there was something so familiar about you. When you first touched me I didn't bother to grill you about it because, well, I almost expected you to be cold, it didn't faze me. I covered it all up with rationalizations to make things seem less bizarre, but I knew you were different and I knew that I knew you. It's just taken me this long to see it. I guess I just needed it to be pointed out to me, to stare me right in the face where I couldn't try to make sense out of it or run from it altogether." I explained.

"You don't know how happy it makes me to know that you recognized me, even in a small way." He smiled.

"Edward Cullen." I repeated, astounded by this reality. Edward laughed.

"Stella Swift." He said, mocking me.

Suddenly I realized, despite the huge bomb he dropped on me today, it's still so easy to be around him. Yeah, the fact that he's a vampire makes things a little strange and tense, but it didn't matter so much. Still, I was curious.

"You know, I've never seen your eyes any color but gold." I stated, remembering that a vampire's eyes are supposed to change when they haven't fed.

"I feed constantly. If my eyes started changing colors on you, you'd catch on right away just like you did the first time."

"The first ?– _oh_, you mean Bella." I corrected. I had the feeling I would have to do that a lot now that all of this is out in the open. Edward nodded. "So your entire family knows about me? I mean, that I was..." I couldn't even say it. I creeped towards believing as time passed, but to actually admit to it out loud was a challenge. I felt like I was being sarcastic, like when someone assumes they're someone important and I'd retort by saying something along the lines of "oh yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheebah".

"Yes, they've known since Alice saw you in a vision for the first time."

"They're real names are like the ones in the books, right?" I asked, curios since he kept referring to Alison as Alice.

"Yes. We change our names every time we move, just to be safe."

"How old are you now?" I asked.

"One hundred and eight." He enunciated the words slowly, staring at the ground.

"Wow." I breathed.

"Do I smell the same? I mean, my blood."

"No." Edward shook his head. "Your genetic makeup is different. But your blood isn't why I love you. Actually, it's much easier to be with you without having to try so hard to control myself."

"Oh. Well, that's good, right?"

"Yes." He chuckled. I nodded. A rain drop fell on my nose, then another on my forehead and another close to my eye. I glanced up at the sky, the bulbous grey clouds moving their way overhead.

"I should probably go. I'll call you, when I'm ready." I said, turning towards the trees.

"Of course. I'll be waiting." He assured.

I stopped before I reached the cluster of trees before the road where my car was parked, feeling his eyes on me, a question burning in my throat. I abruptly turned around.

"Were we happy?" I asked. "Back then, were we happy?" Edward's face broke out into a warm, crooked smile.

"Very." He said. I smiled, satisfied with his answer, and continued to my car.

Happiness has always been my main goal in life, no matter what I ended up doing. To know I was happy with him before let me know that happiness is definitely possible with him again. But the cost of a life with him loomed over my head, warning me that eventually one of us will have to pay for our love.

I contemplated this as I weaved through the trees, fishing my keys out of my pocket. I kept my eyes on my feet, counting _one, two, one, two_, in my head after each step. I walked beyond the trees towards the gravel, my eyes still on my own feet when another pair appeared before mine. I dropped my keys, my eyes gazing up his long legs covered in black sweat pants, to his hugely muscled bare chest, to his stunned, almond shaped brown eyes staring back at me.

"Jacob."

* * *

**A/N: ***crosses fingers* Here it is, the big kahuna. I've been working on this since the day I wrote the first chapter, and no version ever seemed to fully embody what I wanted, but this is the closest I could get. I went through so many different versions, some more angsty, others more sappy, none quite Stella enough. So, hopefully I did it justice. The ending is a bit of a cliff hanger, I'm evil I know, but it makes things that much more interesting, don't you think? Title of the chapter is a song called Don't Tell Me by Florence and the Machine, it's a piano version of their song 'I'm Not Calling You a Liar' you can hear it on YouTube. The piano version is much darker than the true version of the song. Another song that's kind of fitting by the same band is called Cosmic Love, it's pretty great. I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, and that it explains things that maybe were unclear in the beginning. Maybe when this fic is over I'll post the different versions of the reveal, just for fun. Have a good one! Reviews are greatly appreciated :)


	16. The Art of Falling

**15. The Art of Falling**

The moment I saw his face I knew him. I'd never met him before in my life, but I _knew_ him. I felt this devotion to him, like I'd just been reunited with a long lost sibling. My heart filled with warmth and it took every ounce of control I had to keep myself from hugging him and running my hands over his face to make sure he was real. My palms and fingertips tingled, as if rough fibres were being brushed underneath them, my body filling with heat just at the sight of him.

Aside from recognizing Jacob at first glance, it also confirmed everything Edward had said to me in the meadow. I really was Bella Swan, or else how would I know him? How I could I have pictured him before even seeing him? He's my Jacob, my dearest friend. And yet I knew nothing of him, except for what I read in the books. Maybe memories of him would come back soon too, but for now it was all just emotion seeping out of my pores, my heart weighed down with joy and relief to see him alive, to see him at all.

"Oh my God." He mumbled. "I can't believe it."

We stood a foot apart, just staring at each other, amazed that any of this was possible.

"Bella?" He asked, his head moving from side to side as if he were searching for her in me.

"It's Stella, actually." I corrected. He shot me a questioning glance.

"I just found out about all this like a minute ago, so..." I tried to explain how new this was to me, that I was still on the fence about all of it, but I couldn't find the words.

"But you're her, I mean, you have to be." He searched my eyes again, seeing someone else in me that I hadn't fully recognized yet.

"So I've been told." I shrugged.

"Christ," He shook his head. "This is so weird."

"Tell me about it." I chuckled.

"How are you?" He asked, still searching.

"I'm okay. Confused, but okay." I answered. "How about you? What have you been doing all these years?" Jacob shrugged, shaking his head bashfully. I smiled, amazed at how comfortable I was with him, even in this awkward situation it was easy to be myself. Maybe it was the comfort of familiarity that made this conversation less strained and more natural.

"Not much. I've just been travelling around, helping other packs – oh" He stopped himself.

"You're a werewolf, I know." I chocked on the word, feeling strange to admit to the existence of a mythical creature. Jacob let out a sigh of relief.

"I wasn't sure if he told you. This must be pretty freaky for you, huh?"

"Nah, I get told I'm the reincarnate of a fictional character all the time." I shrugged. "Sarcasm helps me deal with things." I explained. Jacob laughed.

"Yeah, I know. Bella used to do that too." He said, smiling at the memory of the Bella he knew. I smiled, appreciating that he didn't refer to Bella as me, that he knew there was a difference.

"So, how'd you know I'd be here?" I asked.

"I had to come to Wolfville to work with a pack in Horton 35. They said they had seven vampires down here, and I knew the chances of them being the Cullens were pretty high. When I got to their house Alice told me Edward was meeting you here."

"So you knew about me before?"

"Yeah. I didn't believe it, not until I saw you for myself just now. You even have the same mannerisms."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Bella used to chew on her bottom lip all the time, whenever she felt awkward or was nervous, or just bored. Her bottom lip was always in her mouth." I released my bottom lip from the grasp of my teeth the moment Jacob pointed it out. I did have the habit of chewing my bottom lip. Bella mannerisms aside, something Jacob mentioned caught my attention.

"Wait, did you say you're going to Horton 35?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Holy shit." I breathed, realizing what that meant. "Of course." I mumbled to myself.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"I think I know who you're going to see. Caleb's the guy on top, right?"

"The alpha, yeah. You know him?"

"Sort of. I used to be really good friends with Dane." I said, chewing on my bottom lip again.

"Dane's a little hard ass, isn't he?"

"Oh yeah. I just can't believe it." I whispered. It was another thing that should have been so obvious, yet I never saw it. Dane was a werewolf, too. Was Jessica going to end up being a witch? Maybe Mike's a leprechaun.

"You didn't know? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lay another bomb on you."

"It's not your fault, I should've seen it coming." I shrugged.

"No, you shouldn't have. Nobody should see vampires and werewolves coming, they aren't supposed to exist."

"Ugh, I feel like my head is going to explode." I moaned. My brain just wasn't wired to grasp things like this. Maybe if I tried to be more of a hopeless romantic or a dreamer like Lindsey I could accept all of this in a heartbeat, but I just can't.

"Let's change the subject, I'm sure you've heard enough of that stuff for one day." Jacob suggested. I smiled, grateful that he understood even though he was sort of a part of the 'stuff'.

"So, I hear you're married." I blurted.

"Yeah." He said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Leah's great."

"_Leah_?" I asked. I hadn't read far enough in the Twilight series to read about her, but Lindsey had informed me enough of the hot headed, female werewolf.

"Yeah. She's not really like her character in the book. She didn't want to see her life depicted in a best seller, it was weird for her."

"What is she like?"

"She's amazing. She takes really good care of me."

"So you, um, you know, that thing you do, on her?" I asked, the word for it on the tip of my tongue. I'd heard Lindsey scream about Jacob doing this to the human/vampire spawn, but for the life of me could not remember the word.

"I imprinted on her, yeah. And for the record, I did not imprint on an infant." He laughed.

"Glad to hear it." I chuckled.

"So, what have you been up to in this lifetime?" He asked.

"Not much, just regular stuff. I go to Acadia university for English, that pretty much ran my life before meeting Ty – I mean, Edward."

"He called himself Ty this time?"

"Tyler." I muttered, my throat constricting around his name. It should hold little meaning to me, especially now that I know who he really is, but when I think of the name Tyler I think of who I thought I was in love with. Sure, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but when the rose claims to be a joe shmoe of the garden and then reveals it's the cream of the crop, it changes things.

"I guess I should let you go." He sighed. "This is something else, seeing you like this. Bizarre, but really good."

"It was good seeing you too, Jacob." I smiled.

Jacob nodded to the trees behind me, then took slow steps past me.

"Wait." I called out, turning to face him. I couldn't let him walk away. I felt like if he did then this wouldn't have been real. I walked up to him, hesitantly extending my arms up, wrapping them around his neck. Jacob gently wrapped his arms around me, squeezing tighter when he realized it was okay. A tear streamed down my cheek, knowing this was really him.

"You're just like I remember." I whispered on impulse. Jacob pulled away, studying my eyes again.

"Bizarre." He breathed, cupping his large, warm hand around my cheek, smudging his thumb under my left eye. "I'll see you again." He assured, taking a step back. I nodded, then he sped up into a sprint, disappearing into the trees.

I walked back to my car, staring at the Volvo before opening the door. Edward hadn't left the meadow, or maybe he did and I just couldn't see it because he was going so fast. I wondered what he was doing amidst the trees. Was he running? Was he going home? Was he feeding? I shuddered at the image of him crouched over an innocent deer. But it wasn't only because it was grotesque and heartbreaking, but also so unbelievable still. I knew who and what he was but it still just seemed so out there.

I sat in my car, remaining idle for a few minutes as the events of the past hour sunk in. The information was there, but it was like fitting a square peg into a round hole – impossible. Sitting here, nothing felt different, but I knew my life had changed dramatically.

Edward appeared through the trees, walking towards his own car. I started my car at the sight of him, afraid he might tap on my window and want to talk some more. I became anxious and fearful of him, even though I knew I shouldn't be. I sped out of the gravel road, my tires screeching as they turned into the road and jolted forward, driving much faster than I ever would down the long, narrow, forest lined road. I kept checking the rear view mirror, imagining the Volvo behind me, paranoia setting in. But every time I checked, the road behind me seemed deserted, a never ending yellow line trailing behind me.

I ran straight to my room as soon as I got home, shutting myself away from the world like I always did when life presented me with a problem. None have ever been as severe as this one though, and I wasn't so sure my old methods would still calm my nerves. I slid my window open, letting the chilled air drift into my room. I kept the light and my TV off so that my mind wouldn't be distracted. The grey hue of my room was a dull comfort for me. I laid down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, searching for it to reveal the answers to me.

Images of Edward swam through my mind, of the wonderful moments we had and of when he revealed himself, both visions colliding into each other. When I thought of the other night, of lying bare with him, feeling every inch of him, my heart yearns for him. But then the memory of him telling me his real name interrupts the good memory and clenches my heart with anxious fists.

I whimpered, not knowing what to do or what to think. I could hear Zack coming through the front door, a few booming voices following his. I sighed, annoyed that he chose today to have friends over. But it wasn't so much that I hated the company or the noise, it was that it was an image of the normalcy I craved right now. His worries amount to getting a passing grade in his classes and football scores. I suddenly felt like the black sheep of the heard. No one can give me advice on this, I'm all on my own. How does one deal with the fact that their love from a past life has reappeared in their new life, awakening this old self you never knew you had? Is there even an answer to that?

I shook my head, deciding to go outside to escape the distracting voices and TV announcer below me. I tiptoed down the hall, down the stairs and out the front door, thankful that I wasn't heard. I was in no mood for chit chat, for pretending I'm just my old self, because I'm not, not anymore. I walked around to the side of the house leading towards the backyard, where I stood in the centre of the grass, staring up at the sky. The clouds billowed white and gray, moving in one great clump overhead.

I glanced into the trees, wondering if he was in there watching me. I couldn't feel eyes on me like I had so many times before. Maybe he was giving me space, or maybe he was just really good at hiding. I plopped down in the grass, not caring about the moist dirt or grass staining my clothes, it didn't matter. I plucked stems of grass from the ground, throwing them in the air like confetti. Images of vampires in cloaks, giant werewolves walking on two feet, green faced witches and goblins running around the forest filled my mind, all of these imaginary monsters existing on the other side of my lawn, so close to humanity. It was like breathing life into my worst nightmare, shattering truth and reality as I knew it.

I laid back into the grass, pressing my hands into the dirt, grounding me to the earth. When I closed my eyes I could feel him next to me, his presence calming my every muscle and nerve, shooing all of the monsters away and filling my heart with the liquid gold in his eyes. His cool fingers drew waves up and down my arm and neck. His lips nudged my ear and kissed my neck, turning my head to the side as he revealed his identity, his fangs. I opened my eyes abruptly and looked to either side of me, my heart calming at the realization that I was alone. For a moment I had forgotten what he was, it didn't matter. But in reality, it did. It's what he is. I've been walking hand in hand with death. The knowledge of it has left me terrified, and yet my heart cries out for him. I could tell him to leave and I could find someone else that I could be content with, but I'd always be thinking about him. If I lie with a human husband and his warm hand caresses my cheek, I'll always be thinking back to how his cold touch burned into my skin. When cologne wafts through the air, I'll be thinking of his intoxicating scent. When I taste spearmint gum mid-kiss, I'll be thinking of the taste of his lips, no sweet gum required to leave that sugary taste on my tongue.

He'll always be a part of me, I'll never be rid of him. I can't survive that way. No matter how bizarre and terrifying this all is, it's right. I felt it was right from the moment his skin brushed against mine for the first time, feeling like that was home. If opposites attract then I've truly found my match. Life and death is the ultimate opposite and Edward and I certainly do attract. People search their entire lives for a love like this. Mine has followed me from one life to the next. Can I really throw it away or try to replace it?

Perhaps I can try to make this work, to push the fact that he's a blood drinking vampire to the back of my mind and remember the parts of him I fell in love with. Maybe we can continue where we left off or build something new somehow. I'm not sure how it would all work out, but it's worth it to try, isn't it? For love? But when is love simply not enough? At what point are the risks just too risky?

And then I realize he thinks I'm his Bella. He's waiting for her to emerge from deep within me. Sure, I've felt flickers of a ghost reawakening inside me, but what if I'm not what he's been searching for? What if she stays submerged? Will he settle for the me of this lifetime?

The trouble with that is I don't even know who I am anymore, this is like the ultimate identity crisis. Is my true identity who I was or is it who I am now? Before this I thought I was finally getting a handle one who I was, but now I don't have a clue. What if all of this is one huge mistake, if I've just somehow convinced myself I'm remembering things when I'm really not? I wish there were some way to know for sure, a fact that I could rely on. All of this is based on feeling and intuition, on fate. While I want to believe and to be with Edward, I can't shake the feeling that it will all come at a great cost.

When rain began to fall I sighed and went back inside, glancing into the trees one last time before closing the door behind me. My mind was buzzing with unanswerable questions and things I just couldn't deal with, like vampires, werewolves and life and death. It became so overwhelming and ungraspable that I stopped thinking about it. I swiped a book from my dad's night stand and began reading, falling into another world. It wasn't working. My mind continued to ask the questions over and over again. I tossed the book aside, deciding to focus on homework instead. I had a lot of textbook reading to catch up on anyway. It seemed to help for a little while, keeping me focused on the task at hand. But then it got boring and I glanced out of my window, wondering if he was there.

My eyes wandered to the Twilight book laying open on my floor. I stared at it as if it were poison. I wanted it gone, out of my sight. But I found myself gravitating towards it, opening to a random page and seeing my life in it. The words conjured images in my mind, showing me my past life in a waking dream. I could feel, hear, smell everything. His hands, his lips, his scent in the wind, our laughter intertwining to make a symphony of sounds. We're driving in his car and I see myself in his rear view mirror, only I'm different. My lips are thinner, sweeter, more delicate. I'm much more petite and pale, looking like a delicate little flower. My face is more oval, my forehead's longer. My hair is a lighter brown. But my eyes, they're exactly the same and for a moment I see the me that is now when I look into them. I dropped the book, stepping away from it, tripping over my computer chair on my way to the door.

As I walk down the hallway I keep glancing behind me, as if the book would be levitating behind me, following me and haunting me. I fumbled down the stairs, towards the voices and the cheering, the football announcer repeating the scores. When I reach the basement I catch Lindsey sitting grumpily with a copy of the Twilight movie in her hands. I shudder. She sees me and lights up, following me. It's coming after me, taunting me everywhere I turn. I need to do something with my hands, keep my mind busy. I grab a pot and fill it with water, placing it on a burner on the stove and turn it on. My fingers tape anxiously on the counter as I wait for the water to boil.

"What are you doing?" Lindsey asks, bobbing up and down on the balls of her feet.

"Nothing. I don't know." I respond quickly, my eyes on the DVD. All I want is to forget it, but it won't let me.

"What's wrong with you? Is it Tyler again?" She asks. I get winded at the sound of his name, his alias.

"No. Yes. Just – it's nothing. Nothing's wrong." I stutter.

"Whatever you say." She sighed. "Mom's been calling, they need help with something at the store." A wave of relief rushed over me at the opportunity for distraction.

"What kind of help?" I asked.

"I don't know, I guess they got some books in and wanted help with inventory and stuff." Lindsey shrugged.

I rushed past Lindsey, towards the stairs, anxious to get to the bookstore.

"Stella, the water!" Lindsey yelled.

I kept going, out the door and to my car. I got in and started the car, speeding out of my driveway without looking. And there he was, at the end of my driveway, his black eyes pleading with me. I jolt forward in my seat and the car stops. I hit him. Oh my God. I hit him. I rip the keys from the ignition and get out of the car, tears falling from my eyes at the thought of having hurt him. But when I turned around he wasn't there. My neighbour's car, however, was.

"You kids, never watching where the hell you're going, always driving like God damn Speedy Gonzales!" He yelled, his feet crunching against the broken glass shattered on the road. I cupped my hands around my face, shocked at how any of this was possible. I'm always a careful driver, nothing like this has ever happened to me. He was there, I saw him. Didn't I?

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Harris, I – " I mumbled, appraising the damage. The back door to his car was dented in with the imprint of my bumper, which was slightly crunched in. The window to the back door of his car had shattered completely. Neighbours began peering from windows and from their porches. Zack, Lindsey and his friends had just begun to come out of our house.

"Reckless kids like you should not have a licence!" He continued.

"My head is just elsewhere today, I'll pay to have this fixed."

"You're damn right you are. This is ridiculous. Can you believe this?" Mr. Harris asked our neighbour across the street, who walked over to the scene. Zack appeared behind me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I don't know what happened." I muttered.

"It's okay, Stel. We'll take care of it." Zack assured.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, my parents' car appeared at the end of the road, slowing down as they reached the scene at the end of our driveway. They parked by the curb across the street where Edward used to park his Volvo, both of them approaching with worried expressions on their faces. My eyes couldn't leave that spot on the road. It's like he's there, even though he isn't. As I glance around the neighbourhood, of the people standing on their lawns to gawk at us, all I can see his face among them. This has to end, I can't force myself to believe and I can't force myself to forget.

I was being ushered inside the house by my parents and Zack, without any knowledge of having taken care of things with Mr. Harris. It was like one minute I was outside, the next I was seated at my kitchen table, with my parents in front of me and Zack and Lindsey taking over the end seats of the table.

My parents both leaned towards me, their hands folded on the table top.

"Stella," My mom sighed. "What has gotten into you? You're always such a careful driver." I shook my head.

"She's been acting like she's seen a ghost." Lindsey commented. I stared her, assessing her comment. In a sense, I kind of have seen a ghost. I see one everywhere I turn, I see one when I look in the mirror. I'm surrounded by the supernatural. A hand tapped mine on the table. I turned to look at my dad.

"Stella, I hate to have to do this but, you're not longer permitted to drive, at least not for another month. Understood?" My dad explained. I nodded. "Do you want to talk about it, honey?" My dad asked, reaching his hands across the table to grasp mine.

_Yes_, I want to say. _I don't know what to do and I need help_, I want to plead. But I can't say that. No one can ever know and no one ever will. Even if they did, they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't even believe me. I don't even entirely believe me. No matter how I phrase it in my mind, it always sounds insane.

You know that Twilight book? It's actually a depiction of my past life with Edward, the love of my existence, who influenced the writing of the book in order to find me again. I read the book and actually started remembering this other life I had, and the love I had. But the thing is, I don't know what to do with it. Not only does it make me aware of the existence of vampires and werewolves in this world, but I don't even know who I am anymore. And what troubles me even more is that I feel like this life isn't even my own anymore. Everything I thought I wanted seems so foreign now, like I shouldn't want them. But I still do, I want the same things, I want to live my own life, I had plans. I wanted to do the school thing, get a job and then do something I love on the side, I wanted to meet someone and have a family, I wanted to see the world and experience life at its fullest. It all seems null and void now. I don't know what to do.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? It sounds more like schizophrenia or split personality disorder than a miraculous occurrence of reincarnation. Here I am, smack dab in the centre of the most remarkable love story and I feel like it's a nightmare. I mean, I died and he waited for me and then searched high and low to find me again to be with me, you can't get any more romantic and devoted than that. I should be with him, celebrating instead of wallowing around questioning my entire existence, right? So why can't I?

"Stella?" My dad asked, waiting for a response.

"No, I'm fine. It's probably just stress." I shrugged. "I should go call Jessica about getting a ride to school." I mumbled as I scooted back in my chair and walked down the hall to my room.

I called Jessica, asking for a ride to and from school every day for the next, to which she immediately agreed.

"It'll be like old times!" She cheered, referring to when I used to give her rides to school before she got her licence.

"Yeah." I replied, enthusiasm clearly lacking.

"So, why are you banned from your car? Your parents catch you and Tyler in the back seat?" She giggled. I bit down on my lip. There's that name again, I should probably get used to it.

"No, I hit my neighbour's car when I pulled out of the driveway." I explained.

"Oh. My. God. Stella! You're like, the best driver in Wolfville! How'd you manage to hit another car?" I rolled my eyes, sick of hearing how I screwed up.

"I don't know, I just did. Listen, I have to go. Thanks for the ride." I said, quickly ending the call before she could go on and on about how surprised she is, or recount a story of how her sister's best friend's brother's cousin rear ended someone once and was punished much harsher than I was.

Sleep that night was absolutely impossible. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him staring back at me, and if it wasn't his face it was an image of him and Bella in a deep embrace, smiling at each other, scenes of that life pushing through into this one. It was something I wasn't ready to face, no matter how much it kept pushing through, forcing me to look it straight in the eyes and accept it.

After trying to sleep and failing for hours, I decided busying my mind with something completely unrelated to any of this would keep the images away and keep me from thinking about it anymore. I read from textbooks and took notes until the sun came up, realizing I hadn't even thought his name in those hours. That's the solution to it all, just bury myself in work. It's better than driving myself crazy trying to wrap my mind around all this. Maybe it'll all become clear if I just stop thinking about it.

Jessica arrived promptly at 10:25AM, all perky and raring to go. I sighed as I sat in the car, hoping she wouldn't be talkative this morning. Of course, talkative and Jessica go hand in hand, to expect anything less would be nonsense. I could play along for a little while, maybe it'll even help me not think about the craziness surrounding me right now.

"It's freezing!" She blurted, shimmying her shoulders as if she were shivering as she turned out of my street. I nodded. "It's going to start snowing soon, I can feel it." I nodded again.

"I swear, I stepped outside today and the cold hit me so hard it felt like my skin was burning." She continued. Now that I thought of it, my skin did burn in the cold when I stepped outside today. It was magnificent. I found a new appreciation for winter.

"Ugh, we're going to have to trudge through the snow to get to class soon too." She whined. "My black suede boots were covered in salt stains last year, they're completely ruined."

I stared at the trees whisking past us, closing my eyes and imagining I was going much faster. His voice echoes in my ear, his scent wafting to my nose. I open my eyes and I'm back in the car with Jessica chattering away about getting new boots before the snow comes.

"I mean, I am so sick of Uggs, I see them everywhere, they're overdone. I want a killer pair of boots, ones that nobody here has seen. Maybe I'll go online and see what I can find." She babbled.

Where would I be right now if I accepted him on the spot? What if I sank into it immediately and whole heartedly, knowing for sure it was the right path to take? Would we be halfway to some amazing destination by now? Would he be showing me the world he's already experienced time and time again? Would we be laying together on a beach, maybe even making love? Would we be planning our lives together? It all sounds so tempting, yet so surreal. Maybe it wouldn't be so glamorous, perhaps we'd go on with our lives here as it was before he told me his true identity, except without the secrets and mystery.

"Stella? Hello? Are you even listening to me?" Jessica's voice rang through my ears.

"Yeah, sorry. I just zoned out...anyway, you were saying, about boots?" I asked. She gave me a questioning glance, but then continued on with her mindless banter.

"I'm thinking, instead of a full boot, to get those ankle high ones. Like little booties, you know? I was asking Mike, but he couldn't care less. He pulled that whole 'anything would look good on you, babe'. I mean, it was sweet but sometimes he's just too indifferent. Don't get me wrong, I love him he's so amazing, but geez I'm asking for a critical opinion, saying anything would be good on me just makes me so much more frustrated." Her jaw flapped non-stop, with one hand occasionally lifting from the steering wheel, gesturing to prove her point further.

I looked at her for a moment, my lip tugging in envy. I wished I could be worried about what boots I'm going to buy instead of whether my life is really mine, or if I should accept this vampire thing and risk it all for the apparent love of my life, or lives, whatever. Listening to Jessica go on and on about boots and her ever so normal relationship issues made me feel so abnormal.

Pulling into the parking lot, a lump rose in my throat in fear that he would be in class today. He has no reason to be, he's had a century's worth of education right? But, I still couldn't shake the feeling that he would be in there, waiting for me. I walked towards the building, my body shaking. I wasn't ready to see him yet, I wasn't ready to face it all. I stopped at the doorway, trying my hardest to peer inside to see if he was there. Jessica stopped and turned to me, waving me into the classroom.

"Stella, come on. What are you waiting for?" She asked.

"Nothing." I stuttered, slowly sliding my feet inside, my body relaxing in relief that he wasn't there.

Once class began I was fully attentive to the lecture on the human condition. While others were gossiping, couples canoodled and others instant messaged on their laptops, I was completely submerged into the content of this lecture. I even participated. I can't remember anything I said, it was completely robotic, but people seemed impressed. It must have been all of the reading I did this morning. Even Jessica nudged me and mouthed 'wow', surprised that I was taking an active role in class, something I rarely did unless called upon by the professor. By the time class was over I realized I'd gone almost two hours without a single thought about the personal issues I was facing.

The week followed a similar pattern, with me getting very little sleep, burying myself in school work so much that I actually got ahead in all of my classes. When there wasn't much work left to do for school, I started busying myself by helping my parents with the bookstore, doing inventory, stocking shelves and putting in orders. Of course, there were moments of vulnerability where he would wiggle his way into my mind and set me spiralling downward, wondering about him and about everything we'd been through, wondering about my life and who I am. But a textbook was always near, a task was always at hand when I needed it. I wasn't ready to face it yet, I reminded myself, I'm just not ready.

The weekend brought with it an obstacle: free time. Weekends were when I did most of my thinking, which was detrimental to me now. Maybe it was time, I've put it off this long, I should try to figure out what I'm going to do. But, I'm not ready, I reminded myself, I can't do it yet. But just because I'm not ready to face the issue doesn't mean it isn't ready to face me.

I had another restless night Thursday and decided to read in the forbidden family room until the sun came up. Unfortunately, I fell asleep and slipped into a dream I'd been running from all week.

It's our wedding day, we're standing at the altar in front of our families, staring deeply into each other's eyes. He has my hands in his and he whispers something to me but I can't hear it. Then it echoes so loudly the ground shakes.

"I will love you forever." He says, handing me a ring. I'm looking inside it, reading an inscription: _Amor vincit omnia_. "Love conquers all" I whisper, looking up into his golden eyes, glancing at the smile spread across his face before I take it in my hands and kiss him. There's clapping and cheering, but when I look at the chairs where our families should be, they're empty. It's just he and I, together, in love, conquering all.

When I woke up I couldn't help but thinking, that's it! Nobody else matters, it's just him and me, forever, that's where I'm supposed to be. But then I hear my parents chatting over coffee upstairs and my sister waking up and reality hits me, telling me that there's more to it than that, that it's not that easy to jump.

I had gotten up from the couch by the window when there was a knock at the front door. My heart stopped, my mind jumping to the conclusion that it was Edward and that he'd planted the dream in my mind to make me remember. Silly, he can't penetrate my mind, but the thought still terrified me. A chair slid against the ceramic in the kitchen and the patter of slippers tapping against the floor echoed towards me. Lindsey appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Ooh," She cooed. "Mom is going to kill you." She hopped down the stairs. I placed a finger to my lips, hoping she wouldn't squeal on me. As she opened the door I stared at the ground, waiting for a voice to break through.

"Dane!" Lindsey exclaimed.

"Hey, is Stella here?" Dane's voice came through, warming me just at the sound of its deepness. I stood up from the couch and scooted Lindsey out of the doorway, stepped outside and closed the door behind me. I wrapped my arms around myself once met with the bitter cold.

"Here," Dane shrugged a light wind breaker off of his shoulders, exposing his bare chest, and placed it around my shoulders. His warmth penetrated through the inside of the jacket.

"Aren't you freezing?" I asked.

"Nah." He shook his head. "So, we kind of need to talk." He muttered.

"I guess..." I shrugged. Looking at him now I almost feel betrayed that he'd kept something so huge from me. But on the other hand I'm grateful now that I see the toll knowing too much has taken on me and on my life. Maybe he really was just trying to protect me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Honestly, not really. This is all a bit too much for me." I admitted, the tone of this feeling slightly familiar. For a moment I wasn't reminded that he was this new Dane, the werewolf Dane. It was like talking to my old buddy.

"I know this is insane. I guess you know that I..."

"Yeah. I know what you are." I said, finishing his sentence for him. He nodded.

"Right. Is that okay?" He asked. I shot him a look.

"How am I supposed to know? It's not even supposed to exist." I said, sounding much too harsh. "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand it. It's not easy."

"I know. I get it if you're angry. It's cool."

"I'm not angry at you, I'm frustrated with the situation. I just don't know what to do."

"You mean about Edward?" He asked.

"Yeah. So you knew too?" I asked, not exactly surprised.

"Not at first, no. All I knew was that vampires were in our turf and needed to be taken care of. Knowing one was especially interested in you made me crazy. So I tracked him down and eventually he told me everything. I couldn't let him ruin your life. If you are who he said you are then he took your life once, I wasn't about to let him do it again." He explained, his hands curling into fists as he spoke. But what amazed me was how naturally he spoke of vampires, like it was an everyday commodity.

"When did you know what you are?" I asked.

"You know that night everyone came to my house to say goodbye to my dad and he asked for me?" He asked. I recalled that moment vividly, when he walked in there one person and came out another, something that has always been a mystery, now unsolved. "He told me everything then, that I was something extraordinary and I would have great responsibility. He told me to stick with Caleb and the guys, that my brother would show me everything I needed to know. That was it."

"How did you accept it so easily? I mean, the books were out then, how could you be so calm about being a fictional creature?"

"I don't know. I never really saw it that way. It's just what I am, you know? I can't do anything about it. I don't really think about it. It just is. My dad always used to tell me he expected great things from me and when I turned, I knew this was what he meant. It's almost like a piece of him that he gave me, like a legacy. I have to fulfil it and that's that." He shrugged.

"Yeah, but don't you feel like your life was taken from you? Now you have to be this thing, you can't have a normal life anymore." I argued.

"No, I feel like this was the way my life was supposed to be. I was a kid, I barely knew myself let alone what I was supposed to do, but when I changed it was like everything made sense and I knew what my purpose was in life; to protect you." He said, running his warm fingers down my cheek.

"So, you believe it then? You think I'm Bella?" I asked. Dane raised an eyebrow.

"Do you? It sounds crazy to you, but being a werewolf, not much surprises me anymore. The signs have been there, if you think about it. Especially when we were kids, those imaginary friends you had. Everyone thought you were such a weird kid, but now it all makes sense." I knew the imaginary friends he was referring to, and let out a sigh of astonishment that I hadn't picked up on it before.

When I was little I used to run off by myself, talking to friends that weren't there. When confronted by my mother I told her I was with my seven greatest friends, but they had a secret. They were vampires, but they were good ones, they didn't kill people. My mom was terrified by it and didn't let me play with them anymore. Then I grew out of it, but I never forgot their secret. Funny how I should forget it when it matters most.

"Wow." I sighed. "I don't know what to do, Dane. I don't know what's mine and what's hers. I don't know." I vented, spewing everything out that I couldn't reveal before. It was a relief to have someone who knew and who could understand. Finally, someone could help me.

"Stella, you aren't her anymore. You are Stella Swift, nineteen year old English major at Acadia University, you have a family and friends who love you for being Stella Swift, not Bella Swan. Do you get it? You're your own person, Stel. Whatever happened before, it doesn't apply now. You have a life to live, don't throw it away." His eyes pleaded with me to see it his way, but I couldn't ignore the parts of her that seeped into me now, or that Jacob recognized her mannerisms in me. Maybe we aren't separate, maybe we're one person. It was clear Dane's position on the issue is to forget Edward and live my life the way I'd planned to before him, but he doesn't understand how I feel about him, he never did.

"I want to believe that, but I can't help but think she's a part of me still. I mean, I recognized Edward when I first saw him. There was something about him but I didn't know what. It makes sense that she was recognizing him. Or when I just knew him, when I really didn't. That was all her." I explained, coming through the shadows and finally seeing the truth of it all.

"Fine, let's say you're the same person, don't you think there's a reason you came back? This is your chance to have a normal life, Stel. Don't throw it away for an empty life with him. A life with him comes at a high cost."

"I know." I said, reality hitting me again, reminding me of the cost I'd have to pay to be happy with Edward. I still cringe at the idea of seeing him standing in front of me, yet I can't get him off of my mind.

"Don't do anything irrational, please." He begged, taking my hands into his.

"I won't." I whispered, still trying to work through this. Dane kissed my forehead, then stood in front of me with a playful smile.

"You want to see it?" He asked, referring to the wolf side of him. I scrunched my face.

"Not really. Maybe some other time." I said. He nodded and turned to leave when I remembered the time he and I saw two giant beasts that appeared to be tearing someone apart.

"Hey Dane?" I called after him. "That time in the woods when we were kids, and we saw those two – "

"Yeah." He nodded, knowing exactly what I was talking about. They were two werewolves taking care of vampires who had ventured into their turf. I gulped, remembering the horrendous scene. It was right in front of me this whole time and I couldn't see it.

After Dane left, I spent my day like I had the days before it, by burying myself into work. Even though I'd finally come to terms with the fact that Bella and I are one in the same, I still couldn't figure out what to do next. I knew whatever I decided would change the course of my life. I wasn't sure I could see Edward the same way anymore, wondering if whenever I looked at him I'd always see a vampire, instead of the man I love.

I'd be risking my life every moment I'm with him. One day he could be ravenous and, not realizing what he's doing, feed on me. What if he stops, mid-feed and changes me? What if he wants me to be like him? What would something like that entail? What kind of life would I lead? Am I even capable of that?

All of these questions ran through hoops in my mind, all going unanswered. Before I knew it, the sun was down and it was time to face another sleepless night. Night time had become the time of day I despised and dreaded, knowing the discomfort it brought me. I laid in bed, thinking about him. The more I did, the more I wanted him. It's like my heart doubled in size, clumping Bella and I into one. My emotions were that much more intense, taking over everything. But then Stella stepped in, reminding us both that it can't be that easy to just choose. Everything has a consequence and I need to be wary of it. I can't forget what he is and what that means. But then my heart flutters and for a second it doesn't matter. I was a bundle of confliction. I tossed and turned, dipping in and out of dreams of my life with him, then and now, of images of just his face, to an empty meadow. I was sweating, the heat in my room suffocating. But sleep wouldn't allow me to slip through its grip, not this time. I needed to escape the heat, it was becoming hard to breathe. The heat became so overpowering that I began to dream it.

It was a lucid dream, where I had full control over myself. My hair was getting damp and my legs stuck to the sheets. I get out of bed and stumble towards the window, where I see his face staring back at me, only he realizes he's been caught and is about to flee when I press a hand to the glass and stop him. I slide the window open, grab a hold of the collar of his shirt and pull him inside. He cups his hands around my face, then follows me to the bed. I get in first, scooting over so that he can get in beside me. I fumble with the buttons of his shirt, until he takes over and unbuttons them himself, exposing his chest. I curl up against him, pressing my face and the palm of my left hand into his cold skin, sighing at the relief from the heat. He puts his arm around my shoulders, the sweat evaporating against his chill touch.

There were no other dreams after that. It was the first dreamless sleep I'd had in months. The only other time I'd ever slept this well was with Tyler – er, Edward. Of course, the sleep couldn't be absolute perfection. My eyes fluttered open, becoming aware of a scent so strong and delicious. It was still dark. Something cold was underneath me, penetrating into the comforter that was wrapped around my body like a cocoon. I looked up drowsily, gasping at the sight of him.

"Edward." I whispered. He stared back at me, mouth open, his eyes squinting as if he were in pain.

"I'll go." He muttered, about to get up. I pressed my hand into his shoulder and shook my head. My heart fluttered, butterflies flapped in the pit of my stomach and a whimper grew at the base of my throat at the sight of him, at the proximity of him. He was really here, it wasn't a dream. I could feel him and smell him. When I looked at him all I saw was love, not a vampire, not a monster, just Edward, just pure love.

"Stay." I insisted, nestling my head into his chest. I shivered as a breeze drifted into my room, bringing with it a burst of cool, winter air.

"The window." He whispered, nudging towards it.

"Leave it." I said, not wanting to feel him leave, worried this was a dream after all.

"You're shivering, I'll be right back." He said, gently removing himself from me to close the window. Just as he promised, he came back into bed with me, wrapping the blankets tighter around me.

"You should stick to that side of the bed, I'll be here." He suggested.

"No, I want to feel you." I protested drowsily. "I'm sorry." I whimpered.

"It's okay, love. Go to sleep." He whispered as he ran his fingers through my hair.

In that moment of vulnerable sleepiness, with Edward her beside me, I realized the answer was in front of me all along. I'd avoided it again and again when I should've just sucked it up and listened. Love conquers all. _Amore vincit omnia_.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm so so so sorry this is late!! This past week has been hectic for me, and I think it will only get busier now that midterms are on the way. With that said I think I might change the update days to the weekend, when I'll have more time to write because during the week I'm usually doing school stuff. Ah school, always getting in the way, hm? Anyway, I'm really sorry about the late update, I'm trying my best to keep with the schedule. The title of the chapter is from the song The Art of Falling by Greg Holden, check him out he's pretty awesome. And the quote 'Amore vincit omnia' is latin for love conquers all, which I found while reading Chaucer's Canterbury Tales for one of my classes and knew I just had to use it. So, that's about it. Sorry again for the delay. Reviews are greatly appreciated :) PS: Jacob's part was a little small this time, but there will be much more Jacob later on, this was just to kind of introduce him into it. Have a good one!


	17. Metal Heart

**16. Metal Heart**

Dreams are usually the best part about sleep. You get to escape to a different world, to be someone else and see incredible things, all the while never leaving the comfort of your bed. But, dreams can also take a haunting turn, reminding you of something you'd rather forget. All week my dreams had been filled with ghosts of a past I once lived that I was afraid to admit to. It became so much to bare that I decided not to sleep at all, to distract myself instead. But last night, with Edward here, the dreams disappeared. Maybe it was because my dream was right there next to me, or maybe because I'd finally realized what's important out of all of this and have begun to come to terms with it. Whatever the cause, I know it's him that keeps the monsters away. For a while I assumed he was the monster I was running from, meanwhile he's the guardian keeping them away and keeping me safe.

I hadn't expected him to be there when I woke up. Even as I drifted to sleep I knew I wouldn't see him when night turned into day, especially if the sun blared through the clouds. When I woke up I was on the other side of the bed, facing the wall, still cocooned in blankets. There was a second blanket that wasn't there before and my closet was open, which was strange since I always make sure to close it before I go to bed. I shifted and squirmed, turning my body to face the other side when my foot got free and grazed something hard and cold. I stopped my squirming and stared in amazement at his perfectly still form, arms laid across his still chest, his eyes closed. He looked like a corpse, one that had been dipped in cement and frozen in time, with its features contoured in a dull purple, from his eyes to his cheekbones, everything perfectly chiselled.

I still couldn't believe it. It's so obvious, especially now, but it's so unbelievable. My mouth widened as I watched him, drawing my breath in and out slowly and controlled, as if the slightest hitch could disrupt the rotation of the world. He's so beautiful, so impeccably perfect, so unimaginable and he's here. Even knowing his reasons for being with me, I still found myself questioning why he was here at all.

The truth to the situation began to forge itself to the front of my mind. There is a vampire lying beside me. Repeating the sentence over in my mind made my heart pound a little faster. His eyes opened instantly and his lips parted in a gasp, as if the life were being breathed back into him. His head slowly turned to face me, his eyes blinking once as a smile reached them. Looking into his eyes, the scary vampire thing floated away. There were the bright, warm, golden spheres of home.

"Good morning." He uttered, his voice silvery and clear, nothing like the hoarse, man voice I have when I wake up in the morning.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." I whispered regretfully. His chest jerked subtly as he let out a chuckle.

"I don't sleep, Stella, my body doesn't need it. I was just closing my eyes, it's the closest I can get to sleep."

"Oh, right. That sucks." I groaned. "Do you not need to breathe either?" I asked.

"Not necessarily."

"Weird." I nodded. "Then again, it's not like you're human or anything."

"But it's sort of convenient. I can't go drowning myself in a lake like you fragile humans." He smirked. I laughed, but found it fading. How am I talking to him about what he is so casually? This still freaks me out and there is a lot that needs to be discussed. But, ignoring the issue hasn't exactly helped either. Maybe this casual joking will make it easier to handle.

"Yeah, yeah, you're _so_ amazing with your make-believe self." I rolled my eyes. Edward chuckled, the smile remaining on his face as he stared deeply into my eyes, like he was finally seeing what he'd always been so intently searching for every time he'd looked into my eyes before.

"So, back to you not sleeping, which is so unfortunate, us 'fragile' humans have an advantage over you with that. Do you get to dream when you do your closing of the eyes, not breathing thing?" I asked.

"Nope. No dreams. Day dreams, sure. But not a real, honest dream of my own."

"That's sad." I muttered.

"I suppose." He sighed.

"So, what'd you do all night? Lay there with your eyes closed?"

"No, I watched you." He said, tapping his finger to my nose.

"I see." I said, not sure how I felt about being watched as I slept. I couldn't help but imagine that creeper who has his hands cupped around his face on the other side of a window of a girl's room, his breath fogging the window as he watches her. But then I remembered it's Edward, not some creepy, obsessive stranger. Maybe it's even a little sweet. I mean, you must really like someone to stare at them drooling all night. Oh God, did I drool? I quickly reached behind me, sliding my hand over the pillow to check. Thankfully, I was in the clear.

"Isn't that kind of boring? You could've watched TV if you wanted."

"Not at all, you're fascinating to watch. You're quite the peaceful sleeper, which is new. Bella used to talk in her sleep, it was hilarious." He laughed, staring off into the distance at the memory. "Watching you do something I can't is quite amazing." He added.

"I wasn't exactly _doing_ anything." I shrugged.

"But you were. How do I explain?" He sighed, letting out a quick 'ah!' when an explanation came to him. "Think of it as watching an artist paint of seeing them bring a blank canvas to life by each passing brush stroke. It's fascinating to watch them see the world and create in a way you can't, leaving you amazed and curious. You want to see it be done again and again just to feel even a sliver of its magic." He explained, using his hands and squinting his eyes every so often to emphasize the fascination and the emotion he wanted me to feel. I smiled. He was so cute when he explained things to me. I freed an arm and reached over him, scooting closer. I caught a glimpse of my alarm clock, realizing it was almost ten in the morning.

"Crap." I muttered as I sat up quickly. "My family will kill me if they see you here." I muttered, struggling to get free from the blankets that were so tightly wrapped around me.

"Stella, relax." Edward said, putting a cool hand on my bare shoulder, sending a shiver through me like lightening branching out from his fingertips underneath my skin.

"Stella, relax." Edward said, putting a cool hand on my bare shoulder, sending a shiver through me like lightning.

"No, you don't understand, they'll – "

"Zack is sleeping, Lindsey is in her room listening to Taylor Swift and blogging, your mother is looking for a five letter word for 'frolics' and your father is reading. No one suspects a thing." He said, his eyes staring off into the distance, squinting here and there as he revealed what each member of my family was doing.

"How would you know?" I asked sceptically. Edward quirked an eyebrow at me. "Oh, right." I mumbled, remembering he can read minds. "You win." I sighed. "Darn vampire." I grumbled. "Still, I don't think we can stay here. Too many people around, you know?"

"I suppose you're right." He agreed as he sat up and began buttoning the top buttons of his blue plaid shirt that I'd quickly unbuttoned last night in my moment of dying heat and sweat, desperate for coolness.

"You wear a lot of blue." I commented. Edward laughed subtly as he nodded his head and finished doing up the last button, leaving the top two open.

"Haven't you paid attention to the book? Blue is my favourite color." He said, his eyes flashing up to meet mine. I placed a hand on his shoulder and smooth my thumb against the fabric.

"Hm, it suits you." I said.

Edward eyed me playfully, then reached out to grab my waist, pulling me on top of him and urgently pressed his lips to mine. My mouth widened in a smile mid kiss. I hoisted myself further up to meet his lips, with one of my hands pressed into the mattress and another in his thigh. Something hard and round poked through his pants and into the palm of my hand, the pain burning too much to keep my hand pressed into it, but kissing him was just too good to let go of. But, it became too unbearable, and in a sigh of defeat I lifted my lips from his and released my hand, collapsing onto his chest. I held my hand up to examine it, the imprint of a circle blaring red at the centre of my palm.

"What's in your pocket?" I asked. He turned my hand so he could see, his chest rising and falling slowly as he realized what I'd discovered. He reached into his pocket, keeping the treasure concealed in the grasp of his fingertips. He glared at his hand, as if he didn't want to show me what it was, like it pained him to reveal it. When he looked up at me his eyes softened and the corner of his lip tugged up into a faint smile. He pushed the mystery object up in his fingertips, revealing a plain, silver ring. I gasped at the site of it, my heart tugging for it.

"May I?" I asked, reaching for the ring. Edward nodded. I took it carefully into my fingertips, instinctively looking through it to the inside. _Amor vincit omnia_ was inscribed on the inside. Love conquers all. "Is this?" I asked, staring at the ring in amazement.

"Yes." Edward confirmed. "It's been in my pocket ever since the day you were gone, reminding me of you and everything we'd been through and conquered to be together. I always intended on returning it to you when the time was right." He explained. "You don't have to wear it, or keep it if it's too weird for you. I understand."

"No, I want it." I nodded. Edward's face broke into a smile.

"You do?"

"Of course." I said, glancing down to his hand. "Is yours still in the little mahogany box?" I asked casually, still examining the ring.

"What?" Edward asked, pulling away from me as he stared at me in surprise. I glanced up at him, surprised at my words too. In my head there was the little wooden, mahogany box with the lid open, the inside lined in green velvet with his ring inside. But I had no idea where that image came from. "You remember the box? Did you see it when you were in my room?" He asked.

"No, I don't know how I know that." I muttered, lowering the ring as I tried to figure out how I knew about this box.

"My ring is in the box, yes. Bella had gotten it for me. I used to take my ring off when I went hunting so that I wouldn't break it or lose while I was, for lack of better terms, in the zone."

"You always left it on our dresser, drove me nuts." I said without thinking. When I caught myself speaking and realized what I was saying, I stopped, widening my eyes in shock. It was like for a brief moment someone else had entered my body and was speaking through it. I glanced at Edward, who looked just as surprised as I was at what I was saying.

"Stella, you're remembering." Edward said in amazement, a smile widening further than I'd ever seen him smile.

"I guess I am."

In our moment of shock, amazement and downright weirdness, the distinct creak of Lindsey's bedroom door opening shattered the moment. I sat frozen, holding my breath to listen for the sound of her footsteps, praying they wouldn't near my door. Two steps later I knew she was coming. I went into a panic, pushing at Edward to get out of sight. He smiled wide, trying not to laugh as he got up and opened the window.

"I'll be down soon." I whispered, waving at him to go. He disappeared in seconds. I hurled myself off the bed to the window, expecting to watch him as he ran off, but he was already gone. I pressed a hand into the cold window pane, still amazed at how quickly he could disappear.

My door knob jiggled, with Lindsey's voice calling my name on the other side. I hopped back into bed, waiting for her to open the door. She stared at me strangely, her eyes glancing around my room and behind the door as if she were looking for something.

"What's up?" I asked innocently.

"I heard talking." She said, still searching.

"Oh, you must've heard the TV." I shrugged.

"But your TV isn't on." She insisted, staring at me sceptically.

"It was, I just turned it off."

"Right..." Lindsey nodded, not sounding too convinced.

"Yep. Alright then..." I sighed, trying to get her to leave so I could get dressed and meet Edward.

"What are you hiding?" She asked bluntly.

"Me? Nothing."

"You're acting like you're trying to get rid of me." She accused.

"No, not at all. I just need to get ready, I have a school thing I need to get to."

"On a Saturday?" She placed a hand on her hip, still not buying it.

"I have a group project. Now, if you don't mind..." I said, waving a hand at her to shoo her away.

"Whatever. " She rolled her eyes as she left, closing the door behind her.

I waited for a moment, listening for her footsteps as they reached the stairs, plopping carelessly one after the other down the steps to know for sure that she had gone. I leapt out of bed, hopping around to get free of the blanket that was still wound around me. Edward really secured this thing. Finally, it loosened and dropped to my knees, allowing me to step out of it. I swiped a pair of grey jeans and a white t-shirt from the floor, throwing them on as quickly as I could. I swept my hair up into a ponytail, not worried about fussing with it, grabbed my leather jacket and sprinted down the hallway, hopped down the stairs and slid to a stop at the door, stepping quickly into a pair of sneakers as I hollered to my parents to let them know I was leaving.

I felt a surge of giddiness and playfulness as I opened the door and ran through the brisk air, around to the side of the house towards the backyard. I felt like a little kid seeing the entrance to Disney World for the first time, with all of this excitement shooting through my limbs and propelling me faster, sending giggles from the pit of my stomach as I lurched forward. I glanced behind me as I ran through my backyard, watched anxiously for a member of my family to catch me. I quickly weaved past the trees, slowing down when I knew was far enough into the forest to go unseen. I stopped and turned around on the spot, searching for him.

"Edward?" I called out. I listened intently for him, but all I could hear was my steady breathing as my heart rate relaxed. My breath billowed from my lips in a cloud, its warmth mixing with the chill air. Winter was clearly on the way, the refreshing coolness of fall hardening with the shrivelling chill of winter air.

"That was quick." His voice sang behind me. I gasped, clutching my pounding heart. I turned around to face him.

"You really need to stop creeping up on me like that, you're going to give me a coronary." I warned. Edward smiled.

"We wouldn't want that." He said, raising an eyebrow at me.

His chest rose and fell steadily as he breathed, yet his breath didn't materialize in thin air as mine did. It was little things like that that reminded me of what he is. It's so easy to forget, even by looking at him, his appearance giving away everything he is and yet the thought escapes my mind. But then his skin will graze mine, or his chest will stop moving indicating he's not breathing and I remember, he's a predator. He's not human. For a split second I return to that fear and uncertainty, of not knowing what to think of it, but then he smiles at me and I look into his eyes and it all fiddles away. Maybe it's not as big of a deal as I thought, or maybe I just don't know enough about it to truly know where I stand on the subject. Whatever it was, it just didn't seem to matter, not right now.

Edward's hand reached up to sweep away a stray strand of hair that fell into my face, gently slipping it behind my ear. I twitched as his cool finger brushed against the tip of my ear. As he pulled back his left hand, resting it at his side again, I noticed an addition to it.

"You got your ring." I said, staring at it. He seemed complete now with that tiny accessory on his finger. I fingered my ring in my pocket, not quite ready to slip it on but not ready to part with it either. I truly felt tied to him now in more than just a tug at my gut whenever he was near, or the tension in my heart whenever he left. Now the bond was tangible.

"Yes, I thought it was about time I wore it again. I've felt so empty without it." He said as he brought his hands together, his fingers sliding back and forth against the ring placed on the appropriate finger on his left hand that let the world know he was taken, that he was mine. I slipped the ring on my finger in my pocket, feeling like I should but also because I wanted to. I wanted to be bound to him. I already was, in a crazy, magical way. Once the cool silver hugged the second last finger of my left hand, I too felt whole. It were as if I'd spent nineteen years of my life walking around with a piece of me missing. I meandered through life, never truly knowing who I was even when I thought I did. Slipping this ring on my finger was like pressing the last piece into a puzzle, when the picture finally becomes clear and complete. I released my hand from my pocket, dropping it to my side. Edward's eyes gravitated towards it immediately, his eyes shooting back to meet mine, widening as if asking if I was sure I wanted this.

"Let's do this." I said with a nod.

"Yeah?" He asked, a smile growing wider on his face. I nodded again, taking a step towards him. I gripped either side of his black pea coat, pulling him closer to me.

"I'm ready to be happy." I whispered, staring at his neck, watching as his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. Edward leaned forward and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering for a beat longer than usual.

Real life seemed eons away. I was suspended into this fairytale, this dream that was larger than life, larger than anything else. Impulse scratched underneath my skin, begging me to put my hand in his and let him lead me anywhere in the world, to have romantic rendezvous' at sunset and stay up to watch the sun rise again, to spend days in bed together just laying there talking, to walk down the streets of huge cities jammed with people and show him off, show the world I'm with him and he's with me. It could be incredible. It would be careless and free. That's what life is like for them, isn't it? Maybe we could have that together.

The trilling of Edward's cell phone broke through the moment. He sighed as he reached into his pocket and answered it.

"Hello?" He asked. "Yes, I'm with Stella." He paused. "No, she's fine." Another pause. "Jacob, can we talk later?" He paused again. "Of course, I'll see you later." He said before hanging up.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Yes, of course. Jacob was just asking about you. He'd like to see you." I smiled as Edward said Jacob wanted to see me. My heart felt a little heavier now with a sense of longing. I missed my friend. It's been so long, too long since I'd seen him. I hadn't remembered much else about him, but the way I felt towards him was never a mystery.

"Can we go?" I asked, eager to talk to Jacob.

"Right now? I suppose we could. I'll have to call him back to make an arrangement."

"An arrangement? For what? He's down at Horton 35, isn't he?"

"It's not that simple, Stella. I can't go there. The wolves have certain boundaries that I'm not permitted to cross."

"That's stupid, I'll just call Dane. Or maybe Jacob can do something about it, he's the big wolf on campus now, isn't he?"

"It doesn't matter, there's nothing we can do. It's just the way it is."

"That's so unfair." I huffed.

"Not necessarily. Not all vampires are like me, Stella. In fact, most are extremely dangerous. While the wolves can be vile and thoughtless creatures, they protect you. I may not be able to walk on their land, but it's a measly fee to pay for your protection."

"Alright," I sighed, knowing he was right. While it annoyed me that Edward couldn't come to the reservation with me, the prospect of being able to speak to Jacob alone began to seem much more appealing to me. While I loved spending time with Edward, an hour or two with Jacob couldn't hurt. "Hey, do you mind if I just go down there myself? I really want to talk to him. I won't be long."

"Of course. I know how much Jacob means to you. I can bring you to the edge of the boundary and have Jacob meet us there, if you'd like."

"Running, huh?" I contemplated the idea, remembering what it felt like a week ago when Edward told me the full story about who he was. He was pretty quick on his feet. "Okay." I shrugged. Within an instant, Edward swung me over his back, instructed me to hold on tight and took off.

Jacob was standing in the middle of the road with his arms crosses, a dirt bike behind him when Edward and I emerged from the woods. He looked so tall and macho, like a bouncer that meant business. Edward stopped before Jacob, and the two stared at each other for a moment, as if having a silent conversation. I was still clutched to Edward's back, recovering from the quick trip and the sense of weightlessness created by the speed and ease of Edward's run. I could barely feel his legs pumping beneath him when he ran, he was very light on his quick feet.

"This is as far as I go." Edward whispered. I nodded and released my legs from around his waist, easing myself to the concrete. Edward held on to my hands, steadying me as I regained my footing. He turned to me and placed his hands on either side of my face.

"You'll call when you need to be taken home?" He asked.

"Sure." I nodded.

"You know, I can take her home later." Jacob announced. Edward tilted his head to the side to acknowledge Jacob's offer, then looked up at me again.

"It's up to you, love." He whispered.

"Maybe it'll be easier if Jacob took me home after, save you the trip?" I offered, hoping I wouldn't offend by choosing Jacob to take me home.

"It wouldn't be trouble, but if that's what you want, that's alright with me." Edward nodded, taking a step towards the woods. I reached for his hand.

"Edward, wait." I pulled him close, standing up my tiptoes so that I could reach his ears. Edward wrapped his cool arms around my waist, smiling in my hair as if stopping him to give him one last hug was an unexpected gift. "Come over tonight." I whispered, pressing my lips to his cheek before sending him off. Edward flashed me a crooked smile, then disappeared into the trees.

I swivelled towards Jacob, a smile spreading wide and goofy across my face, puffing up my cheeks so far towards my eyes they were almost closed. I was so happy to see him, the recognition of his face growing more and more with each passing second that I got to see him in the flesh. I couldn't contain myself anymore, I ran towards him, leaping at him. Jacob bellowed in laugher as he caught me, wrapping his arms tightly around me and swinging me from side to side. I took in his scent, of wet bark with a hint of spice; he must have been running around outside a lot today, he was drenched in the scent of the woods. I nestled my head into his warm shoulder, cozying up to his heat.

"I missed you." I said.

"I missed you too, Bells. So much." He said as he cupped his hand around the back of my head. I pulled away slightly at the sound of my old name. I was still so detached from it, and hearing it to refer to me irked me, but for a minute I was kind of relieved. Maybe I really was settling into this whole past life thing better than I thought.

"I'm sorry." Jacob muttered, realizing his slip up. "It's just, you're so... _her_."

"It's okay, Jake. Really. In a sense I am her, aren't I? I'm different now, but she's still in there. I'm remembering things more and more every day. But I can't ever be her again, you know? Not really."

"I know. I understand, I'm not expecting you to be her. It's just so crazy amazing that I can have her back somehow. She meant a lot to me."

"I know. I may not remember things but the emotion is there. I love you so much, Jake, you're very important to me. I don't know exactly why, but I know that you must have meant a whole heck of a lot to her for me to still feel it now."

Jacob opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped himself.

"Let's drive over to the res, we can talk more there. It's much safer than standing in the middle of the road." He said, turning to the bike to pick up a helmet for me. He plopped it on my head and fastened it for me like I was a child incapable of doing it myself. I giggled as his fingers brushed against my chin, making me ticklish and squirmy.

"Where's your helmet?" I asked innocently. Jacob shot me a look and tilted his head back slightly to let out a chuckle.

"Come on, Stella." He said as he swung his leg over the bike and revved the engine. I looked at it apprehensively, before swinging my leg over the bike behind Jake, wrapping my arms so tight around his torso they began turning white. I'd always wondered what riding a motorcycle would be like, but the speedy, reckless abandon way Jacob handled the bike was not what I'd expected. When Dane's house came into view I couldn't wait to get off this thing.

"I think I'm good with cars with cushioned seats and seat belts from now on." I said, my legs wobbly as I stepped off the bike and unbuckled the helmet.

"It wasn't that bad." Jacob said.

"Nah, it was a cake walk." I said sarcastically. "So, you're staying with Dane?"

"Yep, just for a little while, until my work here is done."

"You're leaving?" I asked, a clump rising in my throat at the idea of him leaving already.

"Not for a while, don't worry." Jacob threw his arm around my shoulders and guided me towards the porch. We sat down side by side on the front steps, gazing out towards the driveway and the trees encircling Dane's property.

"What kind of work have you been doing with the guys?" I asked as I fidgeted with my fingers.

"Just wolf stuff, controlling phasing under anger, tying pants to their ankle so when they phase out they have something to cover up, strategies, stuff like that." He shrugged.

"Strategies?" I asked, knowing he wasn't referring how to keep their coats shiny and thick. Jacob shot me a glance and sighed, clearly not wanting to have to bluntly explain what strategies meant.

"Not all vampires are good. Most of them are dangerous and when the time comes for them to do their job their going to have to know the quickest, most effective ways to do it."

"Have you killed someone before?"

"They aren't 'someones' Stella, they're already dead."

"I'll take that as a yes..." I exhaled, realizing this was a touchy subject. "Tell me about you and Bella."

"Bella," he nodded. "She was incredible. Definitely not your typical girly girl, she was something else, something special. Before I changed and imprinted on Leah, I can honestly say I was in love with her. We had a lot of fun together. Our dads were good friends, so we were always around each other, pretty much grew up together. We used to go to First Beach all the time, just lay out, listen to the water and count the stars. Cullen complicated things, even after being with Leah, seeing her with the enemy nearly killed me." Jacob sighed and looked away.

"I never liked hurting you, you know." I whispered, the memory of guilt flushing through me. Jacob glanced at me like he'd just seen a ghost.

"What do you remember about me?" He asked, his eyes needy and desperate. I bit down on my bottom lip, wishing a memory could come to me now just so I'd have something to satisfy him with.

"Nothing concrete. Just feelings. Like, knowing you and caring about you. But I haven't had an actual memory yet. I'm sorry." Jacob's face already fell, my apology meaning nothing. The Bella in me didn't remember him and it was clearly devastating. I wanted to be her for him, for Edward, but I just can't be her, I'm not her, not exactly.

"It's alright, it's not your fault." Jacob said, his lips tugging into a slight smile, then retracted back to slight frown, his bottom lip pouted just a little.

"I feel like it is. I want to remember. Maybe if I see you more I will. I don't know how any of this works. Even though I'm starting to believe it now and it's all settling in, it's still so weird. Sometimes I find myself thinking I'm just crazy and that this is all ridiculous. I mean, how could it not be, right?" I rambled, revealing the feelings I haven't been able to confide in anyone with, not even Edward. Jacob seemed different, easier. He had a foot in both worlds, maybe he could understand or help me to understand.

"You shouldn't have to deal with any of this. You don't deserve the burden." Jacob said, staring off into the trees as he pulled apart a fallen, bright red leaf.

"Is that what it is for you? A burden?" I asked.

"Sometimes. I see people living these normal lives, completely oblivious and sometimes I wonder what it could've been like. I should be inching towards my death bed by now. I'm a 76 year old man with the body of a sixteen year old boy. It's just unnatural, you know? I mean, you grow up thinking things are one way and then one day it all goes away."

I began to light up as Jacob revealed how he felt about what he is and of knowing about this whole other world that for a while didn't exist to him because it was exactly the way I felt. I wanted to shout out '_Yes! Exactly! Me too!_' but figured it would be best to contain myself.

"How'd you deal with knowing that everything you thought was real and imaginary turned out to be completely false?"

"I don't know, I kind of just had to. I was the imaginary, it's not like I could just push it to the back of my mind and pretend it's not true. I couldn't run from it. It was tough at first, having to ditch all my friends and it was especially hard to lie to Bella. It was weird being pushed into this new group of people and having them automatically be your family. You just kind of accept it after a while though, I realized I had a purpose in life and being stronger, faster and being able to turn into a wolf whenever I wanted to wasn't so bad either." He chuckled.

The word 'wolf' resonated in my mind, the word itself taking form in block letters, pulsing red before my eyes. I blinked hard, squeezing my eyes shut to make it go away. I kept my eyes closed, watching as the words faded and twisted until the letters became a tuft of rough, thick, russet coloured fur. The image widened, the tuft of fur growing bigger and bigger until the entire creature was revealed, showing a massive wolf with friendly eyes: Jacob.

I opened my eyes and let out a gasp of relief. I was remembering. It wasn't much but it was something.

"Stella? Are you okay?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. I remember you as a wolf. And your fur, I remember feeling it."

"Yeah?" Jacob smiled. "Want to see it in the flesh?"

"Um..." I gulped, not sure I wanted to see a giant creature standing before me.

"Come on, maybe it'll jog your memory. Bella's ridden me a couple times." He said cockily.

I shot Jacob a questioning glance, bursting out laughing at his choice of words. Jacob looked at me peculiarly until he caught on to why I was laughing.

"You know what I mean, I've taken her for a ride a couple times." I placed a hand over my face, laughing again as I watched Jacob fumble over his words, trying to find a way that didn't sound suggestive.

"You just wait, Stella. I'm going to take _you_ for a ride." He winked, chuckling as he backed away from the porch. He pulled his black hoodie off in one swift motion, revealing his muscle ridden chest. Every square inch of his body was pure muscle, each one perfectly sculpted. They constricted and retracted with every step he took. A bead of sweat rolled down the back of my neck at the sight of him. I gulped, reminding myself that he was my friend and only my friend.

"Is that necessary?" I asked, my voice squeaking embarrassingly.

"It's my favourite sweater, I don't want it in pieces."

I licked my lips. "Pieces?"

Jacob laughed. "Close your eyes." He instructed, his hands already tugging at the waist band of his sweat pants. I quickly turned my head, afraid to even peak.

"Ready for this?" He hollered. "Here I go!"

There was the sound of fabric tearing, scuffling and a growl. I suddenly became afraid to look, like a kid who hears a suspicious sound in the middle of the night and hides under the covers, not daring to take a peak. There was a sniffle and the sound of paws scraping against the dirt. He was coming closer, I could sense it. I tensed, not wanting to turn around and be nose to nose with a beast.

"Don't come close. Step back, I'll come to you." I said, although I wasn't entirely sure he could understand me. He was an animal, right? How did this thing work?

I could hear him stepping back, stop and then groan. I cautiously lowered my head and turned slowly.

"Wow." I mouthed, not believing what I was seeing. This massive, furry, russet coloured wolf was laying down a couple of feet away from me, its giant head resting on its giant paws. This thing was humungous. No other words could come to mind except synonyms for big.

"J-Jake?" I asked hesitantly. He rose his head, tilting it playfully to the side. I stood up and began stepping towards him. I put my hand out in front of me, "Stay. Stay. Good boy. Good." I reached him, but made sure to keep my distance. I reached my hand forward, grazing his shoulder.

"Whatever you do, do not show me your teeth." I warned. I scuffled closer, feeling a bit more comfortable with the giant. He was like those dogs that were the size of horses, but super gentle. I pressed my hand into his fur, amazed at the depth and thickness of it, as well as the heat that was practically scolding. I reached towards his ears, which he tilted towards me, and began scratching behind them. I could head his foot thumping furiously on the other side and started to laugh.

"Stel?"

"Dane, you're home." I stepped away from wolf Jacob and stared at Dane's form in the doorway. His brows were furrowed and his arms were crossed across his chest, clearly not impressed with the sight in his front yard.

"Am I interrupting something?" He asked, stepping out on to the porch.

"No, he was just showing me –" I was at a loss for words, unsure what to call it. The wolf? Jacob? Jacob as the wolf? Phasing? What is the proper terminology for this stuff? Someone should make a dictionary of vampire and werewolf terminology, or maybe even a manual, that would be nice.

"I know what he's showing you." Dane said angrily. Jacob stood up beside me, his legs towering above me. I could walk under him without having to crouch, no problem. His stance was strong, with his head high, tilted towards the sky, and all four feet planted firmly in the ground.

"Turn around, Stel." Dane instructed. I nodded and obeyed, turning my back towards Jacob.

"Cool it, Dane." Jacob's voice appeared behind me. I turned around quickly, catching him just as he pulled up his pants.

"She doesn't want to see this kind of stuff, you shouldn't have done that in front of her." Dane said as he stepped down from the porch.

"You don't have the authority to tell me what I should and should not do. Besides, I would have never phased without her consent." Jacob said, taking a step towards Dane. Dane's eyes flickered over to mine, his stare boring into me.

"You wanted him to show you?" He asked, the expression on his face pulled in rejection.

"I – "

"When I wanted to show you, you said no." He said, cutting me off before I could explain.

"It was all so new to me then, Dane. I wasn't ready." I explained, knowing whatever I said didn't matter, he was already hurt.

"You should've come to me." Dane stepped towards me, stopping just inches before my face. "_I'm_ your best friend, Stella. I'm the one who loves you." He poked his finger into his chest, inching his face closer.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, those two words being all I could muster up. Dane wouldn't understand what I felt towards Jacob, how he and I had a history. But on the other hand, Dane was right. Jacob was Bella's best friend, Dane is mine, _Stella's_. It became clear then that I can't combine the two because with that you lose one or the other, and I can't keep them separate either because one seeps into the other. I'd have to choose, wouldn't I? I can't go back and forth like this forever. It's either this life or that one. My chest and shoulders dropped as all of the air escaped my lungs in realization of the inevitable cost that loomed closer and closer.

"Dane, you need to step away." Jacob interjected. "I know how hard this is for you, but you need to understand that Stella and I have a long past together."

Dane clenched his jaw, turning slowly towards Jacob.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people? You're screwing with her head, it's not right. You had a past with _Bella,_ this girl right here is not her. _I_ know her, you don't." Dane spoke through clenched teeth, getting in Jacob's face.

"Mind your place, Dane. I care about her just as must as you do."

"Yeah? Then why aren't you protecting her, huh? Why aren't you keeping her safe this time?" Dane yelled, his voice cracking as he began to cry. He bit back his tears, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. I just watched him as he passionately fought over me and as the hard shell he'd built ever since his dad died began to crack.

"She doesn't deserve any of this and you know it." Dane spat before stepping back towards the house.

"Dane, wait!" I called, running after him. Dane swung the door behind him to close it, but I pushed through it. I couldn't let him just walk away after that, I needed him to know I was still Stella.

Dane stopped, standing in between the kitchen and the living room. His shoulders rose and fell as he breathed in deeply and quickly, his fists clenched at his sides. I walked around him, standing in front of his defeated form. His stance was strong but I knew he was breaking. He turned to look away from me. I took his chin in my hand and made him face me.

"Dane," I whispered, swallowing back my tears. I hated seeing him like this and knowing I was the cause of it. "it's still me. I'm still Stella." I said, trying to convince him and myself of it. "What you said out there, I never knew you felt that way. I never want you to think I don't love you because of who I used to be and the people that are coming back into my life. You are one of the most important people in my life, never forget that."

Dane wouldn't look at me. His eyes would glare at the kitchen table, then the floor, the ceiling, but never at me.

"You're too fragile for your own good. You don't know what you're dealing with, Stella. You keep walking into the lion's den and they keep brainwashing you into believing what they want you to believe." I stood there speechless as Dane continued to sputter his true feelings. "You don't even see it. Stella, you're a fucking zombie, a shell of who you used to be. You think I didn't see how messed up you were last week after finding out who that leech really is? You think I can't tell what this is doing to you? This is not you. None of it is. They're all chasing after a ghost, a girl that isn't here anymore and pinning her existence on you. They're taking your life away from you Stella. Does that mean nothing to you? This will kill you, one way or another you'll be dead and by then it'll be too late." Dane stepped towards me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "I will not just stand by and let it happen. I won't let you throw it all away for some sick fantasy."

I looked up into Dane's eyes, passion and determination burning behind the black spheres. One of his hands gravitated to my cheek, his warm palm pressed into the left side of my face. I closed my eyes and nestled into the warmth of his hand, wishing all of this would stop, that the world would just stop turning for a minute and that everything would freeze so that I could think.

Dane's lips pressed into mine, forcing my lips open. I was so lost in my own thought that I didn't even see it coming. He pressed further and further until I was tripping backwards over my own feet. Dane's hand pressed firmly into my back to steady me, his tongue forging a way into my mouth. I stabbed my fists into his chest and squirmed in his grasp but he was relentless.

"Hey! Get off her!" Jacob threw the door open, grabbed Dane by the back of his shirt and threw him into the living room. I fell backwards, hitting the linoleum hard.

"I know you're hurt but this is not the way to go about mending the pain, Dane." Jacob scolded Dane as he helped me up from the floor.

"Does death taste better?" Dane asked coldly.

"Yeah, and it actually has the decency to ask before kissing me." I mumbled. Dane stood up with a sigh, his face no longer hard and angry. Jacob stood in between us, holding his hand up to Dane's chest to keep him from me.

"Stella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that, I just don't want to lose you to them."

"You're not going to lose me. You just can't keep doing things like that, it's not making this any easier."

"I should take you home." Jacob said, lowering his hand from Dane's chest. "Come on, we'll take the car." Jacob turned towards the door, looking behind him to see if I was following. I looked at Dane one last time, my mind shooting in all directions after what he'd said. I bit down on my lip, forcing myself to look away as I followed Jacob outside.

Jacob led me towards a red Mazda 3 parked beside the house, branded with a bumper sticker that read 'Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf' with a cartoon wolf on it. I stopped in front of it and laughed.

"Leah got it for me." Jacob explained, shaking his head in embarrassment. I nodded and made my way to the passenger's side of the car, glad not to be riding on the motorcycle again.

I settled into the back of my seat and pulled my seat belt across my chest, tapping the buckle once I snapped it in. Jacob didn't bother with his seat belt. As we backed out from the side of the house, I could see Dane watching from the window. Everything he said kept repeating in fragments in my mind.

'_I'm the one who loves you Stella. Why aren't you keeping her safe? You're a shell of who you used to be, they're brainwashing you.'_

On the one hand I was on the defence. Edward loves me, he would never do anything to hurt me. All he wanted was to find me again and let me know who we once were, that we loved each other and that we could have that again, do it better this time. I feel safest when I'm with Edward, no one needs to keep me safe from him.

But on the other I couldn't help but begin to agree. Dane's been there with me my entire life. He knows me, Stella, better than anyone else on the planet. Maybe they aren't telling me the entire truth, Lord knows I don't have a clue about any of this stuff. Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew. Maybe love isn't enough. They're all things I've considered before, Dane was just bringing them bluntly out into the open. Unfortunately it just made me even more confused. I've taken one step forward only to take two steps back.

His outburst made me realize that he's the only one looking out for me, Stella. Edward and Jacob, they care about me now but what they really want is their Bella back. And sure, I may have her eyes and I may have been her, but that was the past, I'm different. Can they ever see me as just Stella, or will they always pin Bella's ghost on to me?

"Is that Bella's ring?" Jacob asked, glancing down at my hand then back up at the road. I looked down at the plain, silver band on my finger, having forgotten that I had it on in the first place.

"Oh, yeah." I muttered.

"You thinking about what Dane said?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Have you ever wondered if maybe you came back for a do-over?" He asked, his hand clenching and unclenching around the steering wheel.

"What do you mean, do-over? Like, no Edward?"

"Sort of, yeah. Maybe this was your chance to have all of the things you didn't get to have last time."

"Like what? What happened last time that deserved a do-over?" I asked, concern clear in my voice. I shifted in my seat towards Jacob. I was under the impression Edward and I had a happy life together, but the way Jacob was talking made it sound like something was wrong with it. Jacob sighed and stretched his neck from side to side.

"Jake, please. Tell me." I pleaded.

"Edward and Bella were really in love, they were a match, there was no doubt about that. But life with a vampire isn't easy. She had to leave everything in Forks behind to be with him. After college, they moved from town to town every few years, changing their names and blending in. At first Bella liked the change, but after a while she began to resent it. She'd find the perfect house, a great job, get attached to new people and then have to pick up and leave at the drop of a hat. Getting older bugged her too, but Edward refused to change her, which I was grateful for, but for her it was tough to have a husband that was forever seventeen. And Bells, she was never really the mothering type but around her thirties she started eyeing kids like candy. She had a pregnant neighbour in one town she lived in that she got really close with, and when her friend had the baby Bella was always there helping. I dropped by one day and she opened the door with a baby in her arms, I almost had a heart attack until she told me she was babysitting. Bella had to sacrifice a lot to be with Edward. She was happy, sure, but her happiness didn't come without a price tag on it. All I'm saying is, maybe you came back to do it differently." He shrugged, wrapping up his view of my life with Edward.

I felt scared again. The cost of being with Edward always came up, forcing itself back into the limelight and reminding me that every minute with him is adding another penny to the price. I began to turn the ring around my finger, sliding it up and then back down as I worried about the consequences of having its weight on my finger. All I could think was, _but I love him_.

"What you and Edward have is special and unique, your souls are attached and I think you'll always find each other, no matter what. But just because you're each other's match doesn't mean you should be together. The person you love the most could be the death of you. This is your chance to have a normal life, away from creatures that go bump in the night. You'll always be a part of each other, but there's more to life than just Edward. You have a life here, you have family and friends and you have so much going for you, you'll have to give it all up eventually if you stick with him. I'm not saying this to hurt you or scare you, I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into. You don't know how many times I'd wished I'd tried harder for Bella, to let her have the normal life. Like, maybe if she wasn't with him she never would've died, not so soon. She concerned herself with things she should've never been aware of in the first place, it consumed her. I don't want that to happen to you. You have a choice, Stella."

"Really? Because right now I don't feel like I do." My voice quivered as everything Jacob told me settled, complicating things even more, but also clearing things up. There was that cost again, its price finally revealed. All I have to pay in order to be with Edward Cullen is everything. I'll have to hand over my life to start a new one. As appealing as it sounded to have a clean slate, to be able to go somewhere else and establish myself as someone different, I hated having to leave the comfort of Wolfville, the small town I love full of people who've known me since birth. I hated that I'd have to leave my family and friends without explanation, with the possibility of never seeing them again.

I shook my head in frustration as I gnawed my bottom lip raw. Edward Cullen is the character from a book given the title 'perfect man', people are ditching the fairytale prince and putting Edward in his place. Well, if that's the case then where's my happily ever after? Because right now it's all looking pretty hopeless.

"I'm sorry, Stella, but you need to know." Jacob said, placing a hand over mine on my knee.

"I don't know what to do. I feel like everywhere I turn I'm faced with another barrier. I wish I could be with him without all of these complications. Why does this have to be so hard?" I cried, throwing my hands up in the air.

Jacob turned into my street, the wet pavement glistening under the street lights. I stared up at the dark sky, wondering where the day had gone. _Down the toilet, _I thought.

"This is it, right?" Jacob asked, pulling into my driveway.

"Yeah. Thanks for being honest with me and for everything today. I really liked spending time with you, despite the interruptions."

"Me too, it was really good seeing you. Call me if you ever want to talk and sort things out, okay?" Jacob said, pulling me into a hug. "Don't stress, Stel. It'll work out." He whispered before kissing the top of my head.

I got out of the car and waved goodbye as Jacob zipped out of my driveway and down the road. I sighed heavily and dragged my feet up the driveway to the front door. Lindsey was coming down the stairs when I came through the door. I rolled my eyes as I shut the door, knowing she'd be nosey.

"How was your 'group project'?" He asked, using air quotes around 'group project'.

"Fine."

"Oh yeah, I saw how fine your group project was in our driveway. Does Tyler know about your group project?"

"He was just giving me a ride home, Lindsey. He's a friend. Drop it." I tried to walk around her to get to the stairs, but she held her arms out, refusing to let me pass.

"What's wrong? This morning you were high on life, now you're little miss mopey pants again." She asked, sounding more concerned than prying and annoying.

"School's just complicated right now. When you get to university you'll enjoy mood swings too. Now will you let me get by?"

"Whatever." She sighed, moving to the side so that I could go upstairs.

I unzipped my jacket as I walked down the hall, pulling it off my arms, ready to throw on the floor once I opened the door. I pulled the door handle down lazily, letting the door wobble open. I threw my jacket inside before I entered the room, but didn't hear it hit the ground. I peaked my head in, only to see Edward standing by the window, my jacket hanging off of one of his fingers. Upon seeing him, all of my worries and questions were dropped outside of my door, shut out and forgotten. I hopped over my bed and leapt into him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. Edward wrapped his arms around me tightly, his lips gently pressing to my neck and shoulder.

"Hey, love." He whispered, sighing into my hair. My skin began to prickle under his coolness and I shivered, but I didn't care. I lifted my head from his shoulder and lowered my legs, touching my feet to the ground. I slinked my arms around his waist as we stared at each other.

"I know it's been a difficult day. If there's anything you want to know, just say the word." I placed a finger over Edward's lips, stopping him from saying any more. I didn't want to hear any of it, I didn't want to be pulled back into stories of the past, I wanted to be in the here and now, just he and I.

"You know what Jacob and I talked about in the car?" I asked.

"Yes, I could see it in his mind as you two were in the driveway. I wish I could claim it untrue. You do have a choice, Stella. I will always be here, no matter what, but I'm not here to take your life from you."

"I know." I nodded. "Let's just not talk about it tonight. You'll stay, won't you?"

"Of course. I'll always stay with you, Stella. Always."

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**A/N: **Sorry it's late, I had a mid-term and a couple of tests last week and didn't have the chance to write much. I think updates might be a bit more sporadic from now on because of school, but I'll try my best to update on Tuesdays if I can. It may not be every week though, depending on how much I have going on. Sorry guys! I do have this week off though, so if all goes well maybe I can update before next week. Thanks a bunch to all of you who are reviewing and for sticking with this story, means the world to me! The title is from the song Metal Heart by Cat Power. Have a good one, and as always reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated :)


	18. The Ballad of Love and hate

**A/N: **Sorry it's been a while since I last updated, I've had midterm exams these past couple of weeks and didn't get a chance to write much. This chapter was a bit tedious to write too, I actually have what happens after this figured out and partially written, this chapter just gets some technicalities out of the way and introduces an issue that makes things a bit more interesting. Also, I'll admit this probably isn't one of the greatest chapters I've written, but it gets the gist of the vampire stuff out of the way so we can move on with more Stella and Edward :) Also, we're reaching the home stretch for Supernova, I'm thinking about 4 or 5 more chapters until it's done, give or take one depending on how things work out. The title for this chapter is from the song The Ballad of Love and Hate by The Avett Brothers. I hope you enjoy it, and reviews are always really appreciated. Have a good one! :)

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**17. The Ballad of Love and Hate**

The following week, all I could think about was Edward. I wanted to spend every moment with him, to soak it up and enjoy it while I could, while it was still fresh and pure. To my surprise, we did normal things that normal couples did. He took me to dinner, where I got him to eat a piece of ravioli and watched as he made the funniest face as he forcibly swallowed it. We went to a movie night Acadia was holding, projecting old movies on to the side of a building for all to see for free; one of which was City Lights with Charlie Chaplin. We spent nights laying in the crunchy, dead grasses of the meadow and watched the stars. Every day was new and exciting, yet familiar and comfortable at the same time. I grew to love him more each day, remembering more about our life with more time that I spent with him. But, what I treasured most was that he wanted to spend time with Stella, not Bella. Not once did he ask me about her, or try to tell me about her. It was a great relief to feel secure in the fact that he loved me, not just because I used to be Bella, but because of who I am now.

But as another week came to a close and Edward had taken off for a while to hunt, I found myself plucked from the peaceful, ignorant bliss I'd been living in and into the pot of worries that had boiled underneath it all, waiting to be attended to. Jacob's revelation of the downside of Bella's life with Edward gave me a lot to consider and now it was about time I did just that.

Here I was living in the fairytale the books gave to me. Life with a vampire would be easy, I thought, he's rich, handsome and wonderful, he's got these vampire abilities; he's perfect, so our life would be perfect. He'd show me the world and give me the opportunity to do things I never would have been able to do otherwise. We'd live blissfully in love without consequence for the rest of my life, or even the rest of eternity if it should come to that. Sounds like a good deal, right? I guess that's why they say some things are too good to be true.

While Wolfville's size and lack of things to do irked me sometimes, and even though I often dreamed of living in a busy city like New York, I've always loved the cozy familiarity of a small town and being surrounded by people I've grown up with. Moving from one gloomy town to the next doesn't sound too glamorous. And while I've always hated the idea of pregnancy and giving birth, every time I imagined myself settling down there were always two kids in the mix. Jacob made it clear that you can't have kids with someone who's technically already dead.

Then there's the aging thing. He'll be seventeen forever. I'm the one who'll wrinkle, sag and shrink. I'll be in my fifties having hot flashes while he's being fawned over by teenage girls. I'm already physically older than him by two years. Sure he looks a bit more mature than a seventeen year old boy and he certainly acts more mature than that, but dress and groom him right and he'll look the part.

I still don't know how a lot of this works. Will he be repeating high school all the time like in the books? At Thanksgiving do I substitute cranberry sauce with blood? If I cut myself chopping carrots, is that the end of me? If I move around with them, do I have to ditch my family or can I call them and visit? Do they have special holidays in vampire land? What will other vampires think when they find a clan of vampires and a human together? Do I say I'm the family pet, just like they say they're human? There are all of these questions that seem stupid, yet are so important. I don't know anything about what being a vampire means.

I sighed, knowing it was time to stop avoiding what was right in front of me and start asking the questions that have been bubbling underneath every smile and kiss, to get to the bottom of what all of this truly means.

Just as I reached for my phone to call Edward and tell him we needed to talk, it started to ring. I jumped, dropping my phone on to my bedroom floor. I stared at it as if it were possessed, slowly creeping towards it to take a peek at the number. It was one I didn't recognize and figured it must be a wrong number. When it stopped ringing I picked my phone up to call Edward, only to have the phone start ringing in my hand again. It was the same number that had called before. I told myself not to be a chicken, to just answer it. The sooner I answered, the sooner I could call Edward.

"Hello?" I asked hesitantly.

"Stella, don't worry, it's Alice!" Her sweet, cheery, voice rang in my ear.

"Oh, what's up?"

"I'm outside. Hurry and get dressed, we have a lot to discuss." She answered calmly.

"You're outside? Of my house? Why?"

"You have a lot of questions that need to be answered. My family and I are more than happy to fill you in on the ins and outs of vampire life." My eyes widened as she so casually spoke the V word on the phone. I immediately swivelled around to see if anyone was there who could have heard.

"Relax, Stella. It's okay, nobody heard me." Alice assured.

"You know, I'm hearing 'relax Stella' quite a lot this days and it never makes me feel any more relaxed." I grunted. "I'll be out in a minute."

I hit the end button on my phone and began rummaging through the clothes I had lying around, hopped into a pair of jeans and pulled on a t-shirt. My phone began ringing again. This time I knew it had to be Alice.

"Yes, Alice?" I asked.

"Don't wear that shirt. How about the nice, silk top with black lace you have?"

I pulled the phone away from my ear, staring at it as if Alice were crazy. I don't even remember owning anything sounding remotely similar to that, let alone that I'd actually wear it.

"Alice, I don't know what you're talking about or how you see me right now, but I'm fine." I said, ducking my head from side to side as I tried to look for her outside of my window.

"I see the future, Stella, and in the future you're wearing that blouse and Edward loves it."

It dawned on me then that my mom had surprised me with a white and black lacey thing before school started, claiming it was much more mature and suitable for a young lady in her second year of university. I'll admit, it wasn't hideous, but for a girl who dresses for comfort first and style second, it was not something I'd wear on a regular day.

"You've got to be kidding." I huffed into the phone as I opened my closet and began searching towards the back for the shirt in question. I found it and pulled it out, recalling now why I wasn't a fan. The front and back collar was lace, as well as a line of the stuff that ran from the shoulders, down to and around the elbows of the 3 /4 length sleeve, making it itchy and uncomfortable. The rest of the shirt was an ivory silk.

"Come on, I'm wasting finite resources sitting idle in your driveway. Plus, your neighbours are staring at the Porsche."

"You drove a Porsche in Wolfville?" I asked. Anyone driving anything that isn't an SUV or a regular, run of the mill car is automatically seen as either an outsider or a show off to residents. I groaned at the realization that I would be riding in that Porsche.

"Well, the Alice in the book got one, so I figured why shouldn't I? Now, put on that blouse and get out here." She said, her orders sounding as polite and perky as a kindergarten teacher.

I sighed, staring at the blouse and eventually giving in. I quickly put it on and hurried outside, calling to Zack to let him know I was leaving as I walked out the front door.

Just as Alice had warned, the neighbours had all slowly crept out of the their homes to stare at the shiny, red Porsche in my drive way. Out of all the colors for this car to be, she had to pick the loudest, most attention grabbing one. As I approached the passenger side door I noticed Mr. Harris, the neighbour whose car I hit a couple of weeks ago, glaring at me and the shiny car I was about to get into. As if he couldn't hate me anymore than he already did for wrecking his car, he now probably thinks I have it pretty good getting rides in an expensive car like this. This did not earn me any points to getting back on his good side, not at all.

I opened the door and sat down into the black leather seat, which screeched when I sat in it. Alice smiled at me before revving the engine and speeding out of my driveway like a race car driver. Everyone's head turned in the direction of the car, watching it as we turned out of my street. I reached underneath the collar of my coat, scratching my neck that itched underneath the lace of my blouse.

"I'm glad you took my advice and went with the blouse." Alice said.

"Oh yeah, I love that I'll be all red from scratching later." I rolled my eyes.

"It's not that bad, Stella. You look great! Edward will be very impressed." I noted that Alice kept saying how impressed Edward would be, how much he'd love that I wore a blouse instead of a t-shirt. It made me wonder about Bella and what she wore. Maybe she was into blouses and that's why Edward would like this so much, because it would make me that much more like her.

"Did Bella wear stuff like this?" I asked.

"No, she had a very relaxed wardrobe, like you."

"Oh." I mumbled. "But, you see Edward liking this?" I asked, pinching the lace.

"Yes, it'll be a great surprise for him to see you all dressed up!"

"If you say so." I shrugged. I wasn't about to doubt Alice, apparently that's a no-no. Lindsey would have my head if I doubted her for even a second.

"This is all so strange for you, isn't it?" Alice asked as she sped down a long, tree lined road towards the Cullen house.

"It was. It's getting better though, I guess. I'm remembering a lot more."

"Have you remembered anything about me?" She asked, hope clear in her voice.

"Yes." I laughed. "You were always trying to dress me. I confided in you a lot, and you were always there for me. I remember you staying with me whenever Edward went to hunt." As I gave a general overview of my memories of her, a warm smile spread across Alice's face.

"I'm so glad to have you back, Stella. I always knew you'd come back somehow, that you weren't really gone. Edward took it so hard when Bella died, but I didn't because I knew it wouldn't be the last of you." She said, placing a hand over mine on my knee. I stared at the contrast, her pale hand against my olive toned skin. It was like seeing black and white. I kept thinking about that fact that Alice could see the future, that she had all of the answers. If I could just ask then I could know what would become of Edward and I.

"Alice?" I began, unsure how to ask someone about my future without making her sound like Miss Cleo. "Edward and I will be okay, right? It works out, doesn't it?"

Alice turned into the dirt road that lead to her house, her eyes remaining on the winding road in front of her. She quickly glanced at me before reverting her gaze back to the road. She pulled into the garage and turned off the car, then turned to face me, taking my hands in hers.

"It'll be okay, Stella." She said. I nodded and turned to reach for the door handle, only the door was already open.

Edward stood in front of me, a hand extended towards me. I placed my hand in his and wrapped my other arm around him, holding him close and nestling my nose in the crook of his neck, taking in his scent. Edward's fingers aligned themselves along my spine and he kissed the top of my head.

"Hello, love." He whispered into my hair. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't let go. It were as if I hadn't seen him in ages, like he was going to leave again. He pulled me aside and closed the door of the Porsche, then lead me inside. Edward slid my coat down my arms, revealing the blouse Alice made me wear.

"You look stunning." He breathed as he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, placing a cool kiss on my neck.

"Alice picked it out." I shrugged. Edward chuckled and weaved his fingers through mine to take me to where this family discussion was going to take place.

We walked through the living room, towards the kitchen then to the dining room adjacent to it, separated from the kitchen by a wall. Edward's entire family was seated at the sleek, black table, with two empty, plush white chairs set aside together for Edward and I. As I took my seat, I felt like I was entering into some kind of serious business meeting. The room was completely silent. When they weren't looking at me, the Cullens were casting glances at each other. My bottom lip began to quiver as the atmosphere of the room made me even more anxious and nervous. All of a sudden, a wave of calmness took over me. My lip stopped quivering and my breathing became more relaxed and controlled and I wasn't so worried anymore. But I knew this wasn't how I really felt. Edward leaned into me, his lips brushing against my ear.

"Don't be alarmed. Jasper's ability allows him to pick up on other people's emotions and to affect them." He whispered. I nodded, not sure I liked the idea of someone else controlling my emotions.

"So, Stella, what would you like to ask us first?" Carlisle asked.

"Um..." Now that I had the chance to ask anything I wanted, all questions escaped my mind. So, I decided to start from the beginning. "How did you become what you are?"

"Our stories are quite similar to the books. I was turned in the 1600s when I found a coven of vampires. Edward was dying of the Spanish influenza in 1918 when I found him and turned him. Esme had tried to commit suicide when I found and turned her. Rosalie had been badly beaten by her fiancé when I found and turned her. Rosalie found Emmett after he'd been attacked by a bear and brought him to me to turn him. Alice and Jasper are the only two who were turned by a vampire other than myself, and later found us and became a part of our family." Carlisle explained. I clutched Edward's hand as Carlisle spoke of how he found all of them after having gone through such traumatic events in their lives.

"How do you become a vampire?" I asked, although I wasn't quite sure I wanted to know the answer. However, I needed to.

"We all carry a venom. When a human is bitten and not completely drained, the venom spreads and the changing process begins." Carlisle answered.

"Process?" I asked.

"It takes roughly three days for the change to occur."

"Does it hurt?"

"The pain is agonizing." Carlisle answered bluntly. I held my breath, squeezing Edward's hand tighter.

"So what, are there vampires living in towns everywhere?" I asked.

"No, our way of life is rare. Most vampires are nomadic and drink human blood." Carlisle answered. The rest of the Cullens remained silent, their silence acting to affirm Carlisle's answers.

"How is that even possible? Don't they need money or something? Jobs? They can't just go around murdering people and breaking the law left and right, how does that keep them hidden?" I asked. None of it made sense to me outside of the Cullen's way of life. Blending in and feeding on animals seemed comprehensible, a way to be a part of society without letting anyone know what they really are. But how does a nomadic vampire live? There would be no records of them, they'd have nowhere to go. It seems like the world would be their playground as they killed whenever and whomever they wanted without consequence or guilt.

"Vampires have a government and laws, just as humans do. Without them, vampires would surely run amok. In the books they are called the Volturi. In reality, they're Le Volterre. They're made up of the oldest, most powerful vampires there are. They aren't as ruthless as they are made out to be in the books. They are a very religious group, referring to themselves as The Divine. A lot of human religion is mimicked from vampire beliefs. We even have our own creation story. Le Volterre believe that vampires are the first humans created by God, our race beginning with Amadeus and Evelyn. They were given great speed, strength and senses much sharper than any other creature. When placed on Earth, they became corrupted by Satan and made blood drinkers. Amadeus and Evelyn killed off many of God's creations and were therefore banished to the darkness so that God could fix what went wrong. This is where your human Adam and Eve come from, they are the renovated version of God's original human creation. Le Volterre feel quite righteous because of these beliefs. They value humanity, viewing each feed as a symbol of the sacrificial lamb. They believe that just as animals were created for human sustenance, so were humans for vampires. However, because of human intelligence and how similar humans are to vampires, one must exist without knowledge of the other, or else the world would face a great war. That is why there is only one important rule set forth by Le Volterre, which is to keep the secret." Carlisle explained.

"What happens if you break the rule?" I asked, anxiety rising in my throat. It was quickly turned away though, as jasper blasted me with another wave of calm. I glared at him, not liking this conflict of emotion between how I knew I felt and my body's opposite reaction to my emotions. I was panicked and worried, because the Cullens broke the rule. I know the secret. What would happen to me now because of it? They can't hide the fact that they let a human know forever, it'll come out somehow.

"The vampire would be taken care of, as well as the human with knowledge of us." Carlisle answered. My other hand reached for Edward's as I laced my fingers in his and squeezed his hand tighter.

"There is nothing for you to worry about, Stella. Le Volterre know about you. They'd been very fascinated by Bella's mind and at the prospect of finding that in a human again, they allowed Edward to find you by any means necessary. They considered Bella to be a gift of God, an act of evolution among the human race. They knew as a vampire her mind would do great things and were glad to hear the great mind would return. Plus, Arasmus, who would be Aro in the books, held a soft spot for Bella and Edward's love."

My heart began racing, but then was slowed by Jasper's ability. I fought to gain control of my emotions. I wanted to feel what I really felt, not some cover up emotion. Jasper's face twisted, his brows furrowed as he fought harder to calm me. He gasped as he gave up and my heart began to pound faster again. I looked at him apologetically, but was glad he was going to let me have my own emotions for a few minutes.

If these divine Volterre people were so interested in Bella's mind for what it could do, then they would be interested in mine. At the end of the day Bella and I are of the same mind, no matter how much I try to separate myself from her or insist we're different people, stripped down to the core of it all we are the same person. Le Volterre allowed Edward to find me because they want my mind. They want me.

"What do they want with me?" I asked, my voice shaking. Alice laced her arm around Jaspers and nodded to him. Another wave of calm washed over me. I didn't bother fighting it this time, I didn't have the strength to. Carlisle looked down at the table, his head hanging low. Esme placed a hand over Carlisle's on top of the table and looked at me.

"We aren't entirely sure, sweetheart, but it'll be okay. They're just curious, but they wouldn't do anything against your will. You are too valuable to them to harm." Esme assured.

"What if they want to change me and make me one of them?" I asked, the anger and fear distant from the tone of my voice. I scowled at Jasper for doing this to me. I hated how nothing on the outside matched what I was feeling on the inside, it was driving me nuts.

"When the time comes, we'll handle it. I won't let them hurt you or change you against your will." Edward said, cupping a cool hand around my cheek. All of this just got even more complicated and bizarre. Just when I started to settle into the idea of vampires existing, after I'd gotten used to the fact that my boyfriend was Edward Cullen, all of this has to happen and throw me far off the trail again. I began to feel like I couldn't breathe as I struggled for control over my own emotions.

"I need some air." I said as I stood up and walked past the table, through the living room towards the front door.

The crisp November air hit me like bullets. I stumbled down the front steps and gazed into the trees. It seemed so dark without the sun, meanwhile it was only late afternoon. The world was covered in a blue-ish haze which was calming and frighteningly mysterious at the same time. The chilled air felt good and refreshing down my throat as I took in slow, deep breaths. Tears began to form at the rims of my eyes as my evident fear and anxiety grew. I didn't know what to do here. There was no right answer, no correct thing to say. I didn't belong in their world, that was quite clear. But I belonged with Edward, that much I knew, but I could never be a part of his world when every inch of it scared me to death. Even casual expressions like 'scare me to death' are too literal for comfort now.

"Stella?" Edward's smooth voice echoed from behind me. I closed my eyes as I repeated his voice in my mind, wanting to commit it to memory. I couldn't turn to look at him, though. While he was my Edward and I loved him, if I were to turn and look into his eyes right now all I would see is vampire. That fact would exude from him like overpowering perfume and I couldn't handle that right now. I didn't want to taint him with that image, even though I knew that is what he is.

"I'm scared, Edward." I admitted. I felt his hands on my hips and his cool chin as it rested on my shoulder.

"I would never allow anything to happen you, Stella. You are safe with me. Not even Le Volterre could keep me from protecting you."

"What about you? You're all in danger as long as I'm still human, aren't you? They won't let you just walk away while I know what you are."

"We can handle them. Carlisle and Arasmus have been good friends for centuries, we'll be fine. I promise you that we're all going to be fine and nothing is going to happen to you."

I turned towards him as I slinked my arms through his, clinging myself to him. His chest was hard, durable. His hands were firm on my back. I knew he would keep me safe and that he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me. Knowing that made the fear dissipate a little, but it didn't go away entirely.

"Would you like to take a walk? Perhaps ask me some more questions?" He suggested.

"Okay." I agreed. I let my arms drop and took Edward's hand as he led me through the trees. The leaves crunched underneath our feet, the sound echoing in the silence amid the bare trees.

"If we're going to do this and be together, how is it all going to work? Can you stay in Wolfville?" I asked, hopeful that he'd say yes but knowing the answer would be no. It's not how their lifestyle works.

"For a while, if things run smoothly. But we'd have to leave sooner or later. We don't age, people will grow suspicious. We can't let that happen. The second there is a hint of suspicion, we have to leave. When that happens, I'd ask you to come with me."

"You mean, run away together? Just drop everything and go?"

"Sort of, yes. It's not easy, but it's what we have to do."

"And if I did go with you, what would we do in this new place?"

"We'd enrol in a high school, the younger the better. Then we'd live our lives there until we can't anymore. It's tedious, I know, but it's the only way. It gets easier with time." He assured. The idea of repeating high school a second time was dreadful. I didn't dislike high school, but one time through was enough for me. Besides that, I'm human, I can't keep repeating high school as a freshman when I'm in my late twenties and thirties. It'd be impossible

"I can't do the high school thing forever. Not only does that sound miserable, but I'll age." I said. Edward didn't respond.

"I thought it would be easier, you know? I guess I never considered the facts before. You being a vampire and me being human is a bigger complication than I thought it would be." I confessed. While I was faced with all of these reasons why it wouldn't work between us, my mind fought for ways that it could. I wasn't going to give up so easily, no matter how afraid I was or how impossible it could be, one thing I'd always been sure of is that I love Edward and need him in my life. It had to work somehow.

"If you stayed just two more years, I could graduate and then go away with you. I'll go to teacher's college in our new town and get a job teaching English in the next town. Teachers are in demand everywhere, it could work. Who knows, maybe I'll even be teaching one of your high school English classes someday. I wouldn't mind staying late to help you with your homework." I chuckled as I nudged him playfully. Edward remained stiff, without even a hint of a smile on his face.

"Edward? What's the matter? Isn't that a good plan? It could work that way." I insisted. Edward stopped to face me, cupping his hands around my face. His brows furrowed and he appeared to be in agony. Was I missing something? Was the whole Volterre thing more serious than they made it out to be? Should I be even more worried about it instead of dismissing it?

"It is a great plan, Stella, if only we could – " Edward stopped himself and looked away, back towards the house.

"What?" I asked, worried. I wanted this to work so badly, despite the fear, complications, cost and everything else that worked against us, I needed it to work. I needed to be with him. In that moment of desperation, in the middle of everything that terrified me about what he is, I realized that this was it for me. He was it. There is nothing else for me. Maybe it was the fearless Bella in me finally coming to the surface, the one that can take all the risks without a care in the world, whatever it was it was making my purpose in this world much clearer than it ever had been. Edward was my purpose, not matter what, he would always be it.

"We can't stay that long." Edward uttered the words slowly and painfully. At first, the implications of what he was saying didn't hit me.

"Why not?" I asked.

"People are noticing us more. They're realizing we're different and making connections with the books, it's not safe for us here."

"No." I refuted. "Nobody will find out, they won't think anything of it. They probably just think you look like the characters, like Jessica did when she first saw you. She never thought you were really a vampire, just that you looked like one." I said, sounding like a child pleading with him to reconsider this.

"It doesn't matter, Stella. Just because they think it's fiction doesn't mean they aren't guessing right. We can't take that risk. We have to leave." He insisted without trying to hide the pain in his voice.

"When?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, but soon." He muttered. My knees buckled and my legs felt week, my body growing heavy with despair. They couldn't leave, he couldn't leave me, not in weeks. It was supposed to be years, he was supposed to wait for me until I was ready to leave. It was going to work that way. I whimpered as the reality of it all set in. I was reminded of New Moon, or rather what Lindsey had told me about it, how Edward and his family left, taking every trace of their existence with them. He would disappear from me. He would be gone, as if he'd never existed.

"Stella, please don't cry. It's not even for sure yet, Alice's visions have been fuzzy, we're still trying to figure it out. The second I know anything, you'll be the first to know."

"I can't lose you, Edward. I can't." I whispered, my voice cracking as I held back my tears. Edward pulled me to him, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

"You won't lose me, Stella. You'll never lose me, I'll always be right here. I'm a selfish man, I love you too much to ever let you go."

"Edward." A voice appeared out of nowhere, one I hadn't heard often but knew it distinctively. I reluctantly separated myself from Edward and looked to Rosalie behind him. Edward turned to face her.

"Rosalie." He addressed her.

"I should take Stella home now." She said, her eyes communicating something else to Edward. Something was happening that they didn't want me to know about.

"Is it Le Volterre? Are they coming after me?" I asked, jumping to the nearest conclusion.

"No, of course not. It'll be alright, Rosalie will take you home. I'll come by tonight." Edward said, lifting my face up to his. "I love you, Stella." He whispered before gently placing his lips to mine. Rosalie huffed and began to tap her foot as Edward and I said our goodbyes. Edward took off to the house at a speed so fast it was like he disappeared in thin air. Rosalie watched me with impatient eyes.

"Let's go." She said, annoyance clear in her voice.

I followed her toward the house, where a black car waited for us in the driveway, the engine already running. Rosalie sat down into the driver's seat as I walked around the front of the car and took my place in the passenger's side. Rosalie turned the car around and sped down the winding dirt road that led to the main road. It seemed as though everyone in this family enjoyed ignoring the speed limit.

We drove in silence for a while, until a sigh from Rosalie broke the silence.

"It's not that I don't like you, you're fine, I suppose. But he had no right finding you and pulling you into our world." She huffed, the words flowing quickly from her lips.

"Um, okay?" I muttered, not sure what she was trying to get at. It still felt like she was angry at me for something. But I guess I should take what I could get, she was trying to apologize. Right?

"I didn't want Edward to find you. He had a life with Bella, just like he wanted. He shouldn't have found you and taken your life again. He should have let you lead a normal life without knowledge of us. You still can have a normal life. As long as you're human, the choice is there. Don't throw it away, it's not worth it."

"But I love him. And you all seem pretty happy. Like you and Emmett, you both look so in love." I said, hoping I wasn't overstepping any boundaries with her while she was being the friendliest she'd ever been towards me.

"We may be happy and in love, but we can't have the same things humans can. We'll never be a family with children of our own. We're always pretending to be something we aren't. If I had the choice, I would choose a natural death over this."

I sat there in silence, not sure how to respond to what she was saying because I knew she was right. When it came down to it, I wasn't sure where I stood in the line between being human and being a vampire. Given the choice, I can't without a doubt say what I'd choose.

"You're not like Bella, you're different. You're thinking this through with your head, not your heart. I can see that. That's why I'm telling you this, because I know that once you think it over you'll make the right decision." She said as she pulled into my driveway.

"Thanks, Rosalie." I said hesitantly. I wasn't sure what I was thankful for, she was basically telling me to forget Edward and live a normal, human life. But in a way I was grateful that she was being brutally honest with me instead of fluffing up vampire life. I felt like she was looking out for my best interests, which made me feel like she didn't hate me so much after all.

I stepped out of the car and watched as she sped away. The night was quiet. I looked up at the sky, noting that there weren't any stars tonight, just blackness. I got an eerie feeling, like this was some kind of omen. The dark stillness was like the calm before the storm. This wasn't the end of it. I had an itching feeling that things were about to get even worse.


	19. Everywhere I Go

**A/N: I assure you this isn't a dream, I've actually updated this story finally! I can't believe it's been about 7 months you guys, I am SO sorry. School was super hectic during the year and summer kind of slowed things down. But I've been working on this chapter on and off because I wanted to get it right. It might not be perfect but I didn't want to wait any longer to post. I've been dabbling in some chapters ahead too so hopefully updates will be more frequent. Thanks so much for sticking by this and reading, I appreciate it sooo very much! I hope you enjoy it and have a good one! :) **

**In The Previous Chapter: Stella had a little sit down with the Cullen family and learned a bit more about vampires and Le Volterre, the oldest, most powerful vampire clan. Stella goes outside to get some air and reveals a bit of a 5-year plan she's conjured up of her life now that Edward's in it, but Edward is less than thrilled since he knows the Cullen's time in Wolfville will be short due to the popularity of the books and their striking features. Out of nowhere Rosalie interrupts and insists on taking Bella home. Something isn't right. **

**The title of this chapter is from the song Everywhere I Go by Lissie. **

* * *

18. Everywhere I go

I stood in the foyer for a minute, taking in the comforting familiarity of home. It was so normal here, so typical. It was the ordinary feeling of home that made me feel like an alien because of everything I knew about the world that they didn't. I could hear Lindsey singing along to the New Moon soundtrack in her room, Mom was watching a Celine Dion concert special on TV and I was sure Dad was reading beside her as she sobbed over 'My Heart Will Go On'. Zack was most likely out somewhere with Bryce, drinking out of red plastic cups as girls flung themselves at them. I felt like I was looking at them through a glass, standing in crazy vampire land while they were meandering through real life.

I wanted to scream at them, to let everything I knew and everything I was dealing with out in the open. I could hear myself in my head, picturing the entire scene.

"Reality is a sham! There are vampires and werewolves out there!" I could see myself say. But it sounds insane, and I could never tell their secret. I'll always be on the other side of the glass watching oblivion from afar, both envying and pitying them at the same time.

I walked towards the stairs, quietly stepping up to the top step, turned and sat down. I wasn't sure what it was about the top of the stairs that seemed to clear my head and put everything into perspective, maybe it was the altitude; whatever it was, it usually worked, even if only temporarily. I rested my head against the wall and stared out of the bay window of the forbidden living room, the world seeming so much bigger to me now. I feel like I'm being swallowed by it. After knowing what I know, there's got to be even more out there. Sitting on the top of the stairs does this to me. It pulls me out of the tiny, insignificant life I lead and into this broader view of the world that I can't even begin to comprehend. That's what the past couple of months have felt like. I've been plucked from the ground and my view of the world grew further away, showing me things I was never aware of. I started out sitting on the top of a set of eight stairs and within months that stair case extended by hundreds of steps.

I pull my gaze from the window and am dropped back into home. Being home makes it seem like the conversation I had with the Cullen's never happened, almost like they don't exist. How could they in a place that feels this ordinary to me? Vampires don't exist here. I'm on the other side of the glass now. The view from this side is shocking. Thousands of perfect pale faces and striking eyes of gold, red and black are staring back at me. Massive wolves of different shades stand behind them, all of them staring at me. They're motionless, like statues, until they begin to separate in the middle, revealing Edward. He walks forward until he reaches the glass, his eyes dripping with sadness as he watches me through the glass that separates us. He presses his hands into it, his slim fingers curling into a claw against it. His body hardens and grows with tension, but his eyes remain the same. I gulp down the lump that grows and rises in my throat, feeling helpless.

I rested my elbows on my knees, placing my face into my open palms as I sighed. I didn't know what to do. I know I can never turn my back on Edward and go on trying to live a normal life, but I also knew that I could never hop on over to the other side without longing for the one I came from. I'd always be living with my nose pressed up to the glass.

My mind returns me to standing on the reality side of the glass, only this time there is nothing but a blank world behind me. On the other side of the glass is Edward, just Edward, his world blank too. He presses his hand to the glass and I do the same. When I do, the glass turns cold and wet. Water begins seeping through my fingers and the glass feels rough, like melting ice. I press my hand into the glass further, breaking a hole into it. I pull my hand away as cracks erupt from the hole I broke into the glass, and the entire thing shatters to the ground, becoming water at our feet. Edward and I take a step forward until we're standing where the glass was and our hands meet. Forgetting my world and his world, when it's just the two of us, nothing else matters. Maybe that's the whole point to it all. Who cares what kind of life I've lived before him and the one he lived before me. Now that we have each other, everything else doesn't matter.

Edward's eyes are looking behind me, his brows furrowing. I turn to see the world behind me morphing into something, no longer blank. When I look back, the glass is there again and Edward is behind it.

"Stella, come on, honey." I could hear my dad say. I opened my eyes, not entirely aware of what was happening. I don't even remember closing my eyes. I lifted my head from the wall and pulled myself up, with the help of my dad.

"So tired you couldn't make it to your room, eh?" My dad joked as he walked me down the hall. I smiled. I glanced back at the stairs to see there is no glass, just my front door.

"I've got it from here." I said as we reached my closed bedroom door. I waited for a moment, until my parents were settled in their own room, before going into mine. I opened the door, blindly feeling for the light switch and flicking it upwards as I closed the door behind me. When I looked up, Edward was standing in my room in front of the window. I stepped back, fumbling into my door.

"Edward, hi." I said, regaining my composure. I walked over to him, reaching for his waist. I burrowed my face into his shoulder, digging my fingertips into his solid back as I tried to convince myself that he was here and he was real, without anything separating me from him. He placed a kiss on the top of my head, gently resting his chin there as I hugged him.

"I'm glad you're here now." I sighed, relaxing my arms and looking up at him. There was a sad little smile playing about his lips, his eyes swimming with all kinds of emotion that I couldn't quite read into. It were as if his eyes were speaking to me in every language known to man, all at the same time so that it was just indecipherable noise. Edward placed a hand on my cheek, caressing his thumb along my cheekbone as he took in my tired eyes. He nudged his chin towards the bed, turning me and then lifting the comforter, motioning me to get underneath it. I smiled and crawled into bed, snuggling into the comforter he carefully placed over me, and then watched as he appeared on the other side and laid down next to me, his body not causing even the slightest shift in the mattress.

We laid there for a few minutes, just staring at each other. I rested my head in my hand, propped up on my elbow, and stared at him. This was it, I thought, this is it. It was moments like these that made me wish he could read my mind, so that he could see just exactly what I felt for him and what those feelings did to me. The thought of it brought a huge smile to my face. I held back a giggle, not wanting to ruin the moment. Edward smiled and tilted his head, questioning my shift in expression.

"What?" He asked, quirking an eyebrow at me.

"It's just, I've never felt so sure about anything before. Decision making is not a skill I have an affinity for. But with you there was no question, absolutely none. Being this assertive is different for me. That's why all of this scares me. It's not because of the vampires and all that woo woo cooky stuff, it's because I know I want to be with you, I have to be with you regardless of what you are and what that means. What scares me is how quick I am to dismiss all of these things I should be terrified of because I love you."

Edward stared at the sliver of space between us, his expression a puzzling one. His brows met in the middle of his forehead, the creases forming a triangle on his perfect face. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but something told me not to.

Edward's eyes flitted up to mine, his eyes shifting from left to right as he studied mine. In that moment I wondered what he saw when he looked into my eyes. Did he see her? Is that why whenever he stared into my eyes like this there was a glimmer of pain in his? I wished I could give him more of her, to be more like the girl he remembered, but I knew I couldn't, that it would be a lie and I couldn't do that to myself or him. Besides, there were things about me now that he loved just as much, I was sure of it. It was just strange to think that when he looks at me he half expects another person, even though we're one in the same.

Edward's eyes reverted back to the space between us for a moment, his lips pouting the way they do when he's thinking something over. His eyes met mine again, the pain still there, but masked now, as if he were pushing it away. I could see he was trying to ignore whatever it was he was battling inside his head, and while I was curious I felt it was best not to ask, he'd tell me in time. Edward raised his hand to my cheek, his palm hovering close to my cheek, but daring not to touch it. I put my hand over his and pressed it to my cheek, closing my eyes to the sharp, soothing coolness of his hand. Edward gulped, the triangle returning to the space between his eyebrows. I couldn't stand it any longer, I needed to know.

"What is it?" I asked in a whisper. Edward licked his lips, and then shook his head slowly.

"Earlier today, when I told you we'd eventually have to leave sooner rather than later – " Edward stopped, breaking eye contact with me. He dropped his hand from my cheek and began drawing circles on the bed sheet peaking through in the space between us. "It's impossible for us to stay in one place for more than a year or two now. Alice is always having visions of someone coming close to figuring out our secret, which is our cue to leave. Lately she's been having them here, but the'd never been clear until tonight. At first the visions were fuzzy, of a blurry face lurking around the house. Tonight everything came into view, showing two girls approach the house, telling Carlisle and I that they know what we are, copies of the Twilight book in hand. There's fresh snow on the ground, so Alice guesses mid-to-late November, which could be any day now. It's just not safe for us to stay here much longer. Nowhere is safe anymore. If her vision were to come true, it would trigger Le Volterre into action and their actions on the matter are unpredictable at this point, but it won't end well for any of us. Especially you. It's no secret they want you, Stella. If they were to come to Wolfville, to see you and your remarkable mind, they'd take you away forever. They can't ever meet you, and they wouldn't dare approach you unless something drew them. So you see, that's why Rose interrupted us and took you home when she did. I spoke with my family and it's been decided. We're leaving Wolfville, Stella." He said, his voice barely above a whisper when he uttered the last sentence. I just laid there beside him, thoughtless. I had heard every word that he said, about Alice's vision and Le Volterre possibly coming if it were to happen, but that last sentence was one I just could not comprehend in the moment. Leaving? What is that? What does that even mean? I couldn't accept this. He wasn't leaving. He couldn't. Maybe he wasn't finished; maybe he's going to say that he's not going. I waited. I could feel Edward's eyes on me now, but I refused to look into them until he finished saying what he had to say. There had to be more. The whole Le Volterre thing was just a speculation, an educated guess if that. Maybe he means they'll leave eventually. I always knew they were going to leave eventually, they had to, it was a part of the plan. Yes, there had to be more, then. He wasn't going to just leave, he can't.

"Stella?" He asked, waiting for a response from me. Oh God, that's it. He's leaving. There's nothing left for him to say.

"When?" Was all I could muster.

"They're packing up the house tonight. Rosalie and Emmett are leaving tomorrow with Esme. Once our place is secure in Alaska, Alice and Jasper will join them. Carlisle and I leave last. After all is said and done, we'll be gone within the week."

Reality came crashing into me like waves of stones, jutting into my skin and making it harder to breathe.

"A week? Alaska?" I mumbled.

"We're going to lay low for a while. Once the hype over the books blows over we'll begin integrating ourselves back into society again, but right now it's just too dangerous." He explained.

"But that could be years." I said, knowing that there were still movies to be released, and no one was about to forget the sparkly vampires anytime soon after all of the movies are done. It could even take as long as a decade before this thing blows over.

"I know." He said.

"What are we going to do?" I whimpered. Edward sat up and placed his hands under my arms, sitting me up with him. He took my hands in his and looked up at me with hopeful eyes.

"Stella, I want to offer you something I couldn't give you before." He said, his face and tone of voice completely serious now. "Come with me. Be with me forever."

My eyes shot up at him in surprise of the last two phrases that slipped past his lips. Go with him? Forever? Forever.

"Edward, are you saying – ?"

"I was too much of a coward to do it before, but I will not risk losing you again. Stella, if you asked me to, I would change you myself.

All of the oxygen escaped my lungs. I couldn't believe what he was asking me, what he was willing to give me. The cost of being with Edward had loomed over us ever since I found out what he was, and now it was finally time to pay up. The question was whether I actually could. Was I strong enough to risk it all for him, to be with him, to be like him, forever? He was offering me an eternal life with him and only him. It would be he and I, together for the rest of time. It was everything I could ever hope for, and the most terrifying thing to ever occur to me.

"I understand it is a lot to consider, but know that if you want it, I will give it to you. I will not make the same mistake I did the first time. I will not risk losing you again." His words were strong, he meant every syllable. The world's advocate for risk taking vowed not to take a risk. It was ironic, all the of risks he took to get me back lead to the one risk he wouldn't take.

I stared into his hopeful face as he waited for my answer. My heart began to pump blood faster. I became extremely aware of its beating in my chest, more so than I'd ever been before. It's always been a silent, invisible tool working to keep me alive, like a ghost I always knew was there but could never touch or feel as it worked. I'd never been aware of the blood coursing through my veins, being pushed further after each beat. It pulsed through my ears now, giving the once invisible muscle a sound, a voice. Now that it was hanging in the balance, a new light had been cast upon it. 'This is life', it seemed to say as it pulsed through my ears, in a voice that was more like an exasperated breath, it's essence omniscient and deep. Does love take precedence over life? Do I give it up, just like that? Could I? The truth was, I didn't know.

In the heat of the moment, against a ticking clock, yes I could and would. But I was never one to make rash decisions, even when I was sure about something. Rash decisions only lead to regret and 'what ifs'. Especially with a decision as great as life or death, it's not something I could take lightly and simply leap into, even if Edward would be there to catch me.

But I couldn't just turn away either. I'd always love him and always have this need for him. I would always be a part of him and him of me. I knew I could never love anyone more than I love him, this kind of love only happens once. Our love crossed unthinkable boundaries and brought us back together again, I can't just throw that away.

I began to feel suffocated underneath the weight of his offer. If only it were something simple like moving in together, or even marriage, then I could answer with a swift, crisp yes. But this? I couldn't take this lightly. It's not in my nature anymore, not like it was for Bella.

"I don't know what to say." I admitted, afraid to look him in the eye and see the pain residing there.

"You don't have to decide this second. I understand the weight of such an offer. I'll wait for you, no matter how long it takes. I've waited decades before, I could do it again. As long as I have you at the end of it all, the wait is irrelevant. I just wanted you to know that this time there is no option left unturned, that if you should choose to be what I am, I would oblige." He said, taking my hand in his and placing it against his silent heart – my potential future.

"But you'll be gone in a week. What if I can't decide by then?" I asked, allowing myself to look up at him. His eyes were filled with compassion and understanding, not a hint of pain. That just made it harder, I knew eventually they'd change and it would be at my hand.

"I'll wait." He reassured.

"But you'll be gone."

"Stella, I'm leaving Wolfville. I'm not leaving you. This isn't an ultimatum, it's merely an option. We have all of the time in the world, love."

"You have all the time in the world. The clock is ticking quickly for me."

"Which is why I proposed what I did. This is our chance to be together forever, just as we've always wanted. We can do it; nothing stands in our way this time." He spoke with such hopeful conviction, one I hated to shatter.

"I need to think about it, Edward, I'm sorry."

He nodded.

"But, if I don't – if I can't accept… it doesn't mean I don't love you or that I don't want forever with you. If it were up to me, there'd be nothing else I'd rather have. But it's not just me; there are so many other people involved and things to consider. I just need time to figure it out." I explained.

"I understand." He said, running his finger down my face, his cool touch sending shivers down my spine. Oh, how I'd miss that when he's gone. "I suppose I should go and allow you some time to think." He said as he stood from the bed and walked towards the window. He sat down beside me and leaned forward to kiss me. I expected him to kiss me on the forehead as he always had the habit of doing, but instead he went for my lips, pressing them gently yet urgently against mine. His hand cupped my face as our lips moved with each other as if in a dance, leading and following each other until Edward pulled away, his eyes wide and breathing shallow. He gulped, ceasing to breathe altogether.

"Even without her blood, it's still so difficult." He mumbled, as if it were his fault my blood aroused his instincts to kill. "I love you." He said, extending a hand toward my cheek, except barely touching it.

"I love you, more than anything." I said, folding my hand around his. Edward smiled, slid his hand away from mine and stood up, turned toward the window and climbed out. He clung to the window frame, sliding the window closed for me before leaping to the ground and disappearing into the trees.

I stared up at my ceiling, thinking about the implications of accepting his offer. If I were to be selfish, then I would do it in a heartbeat. I wondered if that's how it happened, that after a single heartbeat it would be done and I'd be one of them. Would I wake up the same old Stella? Would the world be the same from the other side? Could I handle killing living things to sustain myself? Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal. It would be worth it to be with Edward. It'll be instinctual anyways, it's not like I'd be killing something with a guilty conscience. I eat chicken, that's living off a living thing. I may not be the one killing it but I consume it, so sinking my teeth into a deer for its blood is the same thing, right?

But even with that reconciled, there was something about being immortal, part of the living dead that steered me in the opposite direction. That kind of life doesn't even seem real to me. Sure, I've been dating a vampire, but at the end of the day I always came home, to my home, with my very normal and human family. How could I just leave them? Is visitation allowed or is it an all or nothing kind of thing? All of these questions weighed themselves on my mind until I couldn't even think coherently. Every thought sprouted another question. I grunted, stuck my face in my pillow and hoped that after a good night's sleep, all would come together in the morning.

The following week was a complete blur, so much so that I barely remember any of it even occurring. Edward had spent his days helping his family pack and secure things in Alaska, so I didn't get to see him much. He called every so often during the day to check up on me, but the conversations were always strained. I could tell he wanted to ask me if I'd come to a decision, that he wished I'd answer the phone and tell him I'd figured it all out, but I hadn't. I had no idea and time was ticking by faster than I could keep up. I felt so stuck, just suspended in time while everyone else lives their normal lives. People were starting to notice that I'm seriously distracted. Jessica nagged me every morning on the way to school, saying that I seem vacant and have been acting like a zombie. I think my parents are beginning to assume I have an eating disorder, but I just haven't been very hungry lately. In fact, I always feel full. I'm full with worry and doubt, with anxiety and anticipation of the unknown, and of despair for the outcome of the decision I have to make. Either way, I lose. I have to choose between my life here with my family and friends and a life with Edward. This whole predicament is like one of those impossible questions where you have to choose who to save if your house caught on fire.

Now I'm a day away from the moment of truth and I'm exactly where I was when Edward told me he was leaving, sitting on my bed going over everything that's happened these past couple of months, trying to make a decision that everyone can be happy with. I need more time. But would that even make a difference? I wish he could stay. I wish I could go. I wish I didn't have to wish and that things could just work themselves out. I just don't know if I'm ready. Maybe if things were different, if I were done school or if I were a different person, if I could make snap decisions and then be happy with them later. I grunted in frustration, wishing for some kind of sign. If a plane could fly across my window right now with a banner attached that told me the right thing to do, that would be fantastic. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

I began questioning why any of this happened to me out of all people in the first place. Why couldn't this have happened to a twi-hard? One of them could deal with this so much better. They've fantasized about Edward Cullen appearing in their windows, and have thought about what they`d do if he should ever ask them for eternity. They're all prepared for this. I`m completely clueless. I feel like I`ve been given this amazing opportunity that I should be falling all over myself for, but don`t appreciate it. It makes so much more sense for this to have happened to someone who'd fantasized about Edward Cullen being real for years, for one of them to be the reincarnated Bella Swan. Maybe I should think like one of them. Edward and I were meant for each other, everything about us screams it. We're supposed to be together. All I need to survive is him. But then I remember life isn't a fairy tale and we can't have it all. It's always this or that. Stay in Wolfville and live with the ghost of him but have my life and family here, or leave and never turn back with the love of my life on my arm. There is no middle ground, no gray area or third option. If he were to stay any longer he'd be figured out and Le Volterre would do unspeakable things as punishment, plus take me and do God knows what. That part terrifies me, shakes me to the core. Edward and his family are the only vampires I know. They're sweet, kind, 'vegetarians' with every ounce of their humanity left. But Le Volterre are old, powerful vampires in every sense of the word. Worst case scenario, they'd probably turn me and use me as a lab rat to see how far my impenetrable mind can go. Then they'd recruit me or something and I'd lose myself entirely to become this cold, heartless creature. They'd keep me from Edward.

"Stop!" I grunted, pushing the nightmares away. I was scaring myself with my own imagination.

But the nightmarish imagining of what could happen to me sparked a new mystery. What would I be like as a vampire, period? The only image I can muster is one of an animal, a killer, someone or something that isn't me. Would that happen to me if Edward changed me? Would I still be me? Would I still love him? Would I still want him once everything changes and I have the world at my fingertips and time underneath the weight of my mighty vampire foot? Would being a vampire make me content about leaving my family and friends? I wondered if it would devastate them, if finding my room empty and cold would send them on a frenzy. But they would heal eventually, wouldn't they? People get over losing someone they love all the time. Yet I'd still be around. Could I live with the weight of lying to them? Could I just watch them suffer and miss me when I'm just outside their reach? Questions continued to pile on top of questions. At this rate I feared I'd never reach a decision, and then what?

"Stella?" Lindsey's muffled voice appeared from behind my closed door. I remained silent, hoping she'd think I were asleep and go away. "Stel? You awake?" She asked with a sniffle. She was crying. I sighed, assuming she had a bad dream about Edward leaving her like he left Bella in the woods in New Moon and needed consoling. Reciting that scenario in my head seemed bizarre now since I knew the real Edward Cullen and knew that he'd never leave me. Quite the opposite, he wanted eternal life with me.

"Yeah, door's open." I said. Lindsey poked her head through the door first, then quickly came in and shut the door, scurrying to the empty space beside me on the bed. I almost wanted to tell her not to lie there, since Edward's scent was probably still embedded in the pillow and sheets, but it was already too late.

Lindsey's face was streaked with tears, her eyes red and puffy.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I reached my arm around her and snuggled close to her.

"Henry broke up with me." She sobbed. My head jolted backwards at the mention of said Henry and his breaking up with her, when I wasn't even aware there was Henry to begin with.

"Henry? Since when did you have a boyfriend?"

"Since two weeks ago, you were too busy so I didn't tell you." She sniffled. Guilt flooded through me as I realized I'd been so caught up in myself and Edward that I'd neglected my sister. I hated to think of who else I'd neglected since my relationship with Edward began.

"Aw Linds, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"I just tried to help him. One minute I'm giving him a jar of sparkles from Hot Topic for our two week anniversary, the next he's whipping it to the ground, telling me he was sick of trying to be made into a fictional character. It got heated, we were yelling back and forth and then he just walked away and now all I have is this empty jar." She opened her hand and revealed the little jar, remnants of the sparkles shimmering in the jar and on her fingers.

"Well it's his loss, he's missing out on an amazing girl. Any guy should be glad to be your Edward, you deserve that kind of love and if some guy like this Henry can't be that for you then he's not worth it anyway." I said as I rubbed her back to comfort her.

"Thanks Stel, you always know what to say." She smiled, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She settled into the pillows and tucked her legs under the comforter. "You know, I was kind of nervous about coming to you, but I'm so glad I did."

"You were nervous?"

"Yeah, 'cause, well you know you've been kind of distant lately and I didn't think you'd want to hear me ball over some loser all night. But then I was like, ugh man I need my sister, so I came anyway."

Hearing Lindsey was afraid to come to me because I haven't been around stung my heart. I'd always taken pride in knowing I was a supportive sister, even if we didn't share the same tastes in things and fought from time to time, we'd always had a pretty solid relationship. To hear that the relationship had begun to crack because I was with Edward not only hurt, but put a lot into perspective. I had been distant. I'd turned into myself and shut the world away for Edward and I was still here in Wolfville, still going to school and doing regular things. What would happen to me and to my family, to Lindsey, if I left?

"Lindsey, you know I love you right? And that you can come to me with anything whenever you want to, I'm always here to listen." I said, hoping she really understood that I would always be here for her.

"Yeah, I know. I love you too, Stel. You may not be a twi-hard, but you're my best friend, you know? We're like two peas in a pod, like Bella and Alice, the sugar in my coffee, the –"

"I get it." I laughed, pulling her into a hug. I loved moments like this. I loved Lindsey and she loved and depended on me. I couldn't leave her.

Lindsey quickly fell asleep beside me. I watched her as she slept, amazed at how expression was smoothed from her face, leaving her with a look of utter serenity. Her chest inflated and deflated in slow, controlled motions. But it was there, at the centre of her neck that snatched hold of my attention. Right where her neck met her chest was a concave of skin, a smooth, porcelain valley. It was there that I saw it. It was like a spasm occurring continuously, as slowly and controlled as her breathing. It was her heart beat. I lay next to her, leaned over her ever so slightly as I watched this little dune at the bottom of her neck that housed the beating of her heart. The world seemed to fiddle away at the sight of this amazing thing. It was life right before my eyes in the simplest, most natural form. I suddenly felt very protective of this little bank in her neck, maternal even.

I raised my fingers to the base of my own neck, pressing them gently to the skin. There, I felt it. I gasped, never having felt it so profoundly before. Life was beating behind my fingers at that particular spot with such force and conviction, demanding to be preserved. It was as if each beat were a plea for survival.

I knew I wasn't ready to give up life yet. It was too precious and I wanted to live mine as best I could. But it didn't mean that being with Edward was out of the question. The heart may give me life but it also gives me love. It's an inseparable pair, without one the other ceases to exist. Before Edward I could barely call what I had a 'life', I was merely existing. But when he stepped into my existence, he evoked life in me with his love. I can't live without love. I can't live without his love.

I grunted, still not knowing what to do. There was no right answer here; there was no clear sign of what I would do. Either way, the end result comes with a high price. I just wasn't sure which was higher, or which I was more willing to pay.

I thought about the risks Edward took to be with me. He'd sacrificed everything – himself, his family, the entire vampire race, all just to find me. There was no certainty that he would or that when he did I would be what he was looking for. Despite all of that he risked it all for the slightest chance that it would be true, that I would be Bella and that we could continue where we left off somehow. I began to feel foolish and undeserving. He risked it all and I was here, unsure and undecided.

With that staring me in the face it should be easy. I should go to him. I'd always played it safe, wanting to be secure in my decisions. But where did that get me? My life is the truest form of ordinary and contentment is a far cry from true, blissful happiness. Sometimes in life you have to take risks to get what you want. Perhaps it was about time I took one.

I sat up, looking down at Lindsey asleep next to me as I carefully placed my feet on the floor and tried my best not to wake her as I got up from the bed. I picked up my phone and was about to call Edward when there was a tap at my window. I turned, pushing my curtains aside and saw him standing below my window, waiting for me. He already knew. I went to my closet and began to place some of my things inside when my phone vibrated in my hand. I quickly turned the buzzing off and read the text I'd received from Edward, informing me I could come back later to get my stuff. I dropped the bag and quickly scribbled a note on the notepad on my desk, telling my family I was with Tyler and not to worry, that I'd call to explain later. I almost wrote Edward until I caught myself and remembered everyone else knew him as Tyler McCulley.

I picked up my coat, slipped my arms inside and shuffled towards the door. I opened it slowly and squeezed through the slight opening before closing it behind me. I stopped in the hallway, listening for any sign that someone was awake. When the silence persisted, I decided the coast was clear and hurried down the hallway, jumped down the stairs and out the front door, straight into Edward's waiting arms.

"Are you sure?" He asked. I held on to him tightly, taking in his scent in gulps. I never wanted to leave this.

"I think so. Yes. Yes, I'm sure." I assured. I knew I had to do this, to at least try to be with him. I owed him that much, and owed it to myself to do what I wanted. I pulled myself away gently, keeping my hands on his chest, simply taking in the sight of him. I could feel his eyes on me as I watched him, curiously questioning why I was stopping just to look at him when we had eternity to look at each other. But I just had to stop time for a moment and remind myself that he was real and this was happening. I sighed, ready to go, when my gaze caught sight of the base of his neck. Edward was about to turn when my hand grasped his shoulder, turning him towards me. I fingered the place in his neck where his heartbeat should be housed. Instead of the warm sanctuary of the living heart, Edward's was a chip of ice with his heart frozen dead inside. My hand slinked down his chest, hovering over his silent heart. It made me ache for him, for his still heart. It felt as if he were served some kind of injustice. He didn't deserve his heart to be silenced. He was too good for that. Yet there it was, frozen asleep under my palm. Edward curled his hand over mine, his breath expelling between us.

"We should go." He whispered. I nodded. Edward lifted me on to his back, securing my arms around his neck before taking off in a swift run through the trees.

We reached his house in minutes. A golden glow emanated from the windows as every light inside was lit. Edward led me inside, which was practically empty now except for the couch and love seat in the living room. The Cullens appeared in an instant before us, with Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle carrying boxes in their hands. Esme stepped forward and wrapped her arms gently around me, with one hand curved around the back of my head.

"We're so glad to have you with us, sweetheart." She said.

"Thanks, Esme." I smiled. Esme stepped back and glanced at Alice, who was squirming in her spot. She pounced at me, squeezing me tightly.

"I knew you'd come! You're going to love Alaska!" She exclaimed.

"You would know." I chortled.

"Welcome to our family, Stella." Carlisle said with a nod and a smile. "Come on boys let's load the last of this up. You too Edward, give us a hand." He instructed. Edward placed a kiss on my cheek before relieving Jasper of one of the boxes he carried and followed them out to the garage. Alice slinked her arm in mine and led me to the couch.

"You look dreadfully tired, Stella. Why don't you sleep while we get things ready to go?" Alice suggested.

"I'm okay, really." I shrugged, stifling a yawn. Alice glared at me, knowing I was dead tired. I rolled my eyes and sat down, extending myself along the length of the couch, squirming to find just the right spot.

"I guess I could just rest my eyes."

The moment I sat down on the couch my body seemed to grow heavier, weighing me down and pulling me under. Suddenly, thoughts and voices in my head were stimulated, making them all open their mouths at once. They all seem to be saying the same thing, though. 'Are you really doing this?' they ask. 'Are you really here?' they pester. 'Is this right?' they judge. I thought taking leaps were easier. I always assumed you just cut your losses and leave them at the ledge and leap into your risky decision a free person. Instead, it's like somewhere in mid-air extra worries latched on to me, slowing me down and sending me plummeting to my death.

Alice watched me as she sat to my left, still holding on to my arm. I opened my mouth, taking in a snippet of air as I was about to speak, then stopped myself. It would've been so easy to ask her what happens, how it all pans out for Edward and I, but that would be cheating. Somehow I couldn't let myself do it. Either way, I'd have to decide which future I wanted, so it's not like it would help me. I grunted, frustrated with myself. I already decided. I looked into Edward's honest eyes and told him yes, I jumped on his back and let him carry me away to my new life. I already made my choice. But still, I sat here undecided. 'It's not too late' my thoughts remind me. Shut up, pesky Stellas in my mind, I can't think with you all there shooting phrases and questions at me like this!

A feeling began to grow in the pit of my stomach, nagging me from the inside. It was a familiar feeling, like the one you get when you're in the car, already halfway to your destination when you realize you've forgotten something at home that you absolutely need, but going back would mean being late to wherever you need to be, and not going back would mean putting up with this feeling of missing something all day and then not being able to get anything accomplished without it. The only thing was I didn't know what I was forgetting. Maybe it was my clothes and knick-knacks. I didn't get to grab any of my things before coming here. That has to be it. The nagger continued to grow, feeding off of my worry. The clothes aren't it. I patted my pocket, my fingers fumbling over my cell phone; that isn't it either. I began tapping my foot restlessly as I tried to place this feeling. I searched the spotless hardwood floor, following the creases until it finally came to me.

This isn't the 'I forgot something' feeling. It's the nagging feeling your conscience releases when you know you're doing something you shouldn't be. It's like that one time in eleventh grade when I had the answers to a final exam and was guaranteed not to get caught. The answers were hot in my hands, begging to be read when this feeling appeared out of nowhere. I couldn't do it. It was the one thing that ensured success, I'd get an A and be ecstatic, it would make my parents proud and I couldn't do it.

But love isn't a measly high school grade. I don't have the answers to it in my hand. I wish I did. Like maybe if my horoscope for today had said something along the lines of:

"_You will be offered something that will change your life forever today. Take the risk and start with a clean slate with the man you love."_

Or,

"_You are offered the chance to start anew, but may not be willing to leave the life you have. If you aren't sure, don't make any rash decisions. What you've got could be better than what you'll get." _

Maybe I should have read the rest of the Twilight books when I had the chance. I'm a fast reader but I certainly can't speed read through three massive books in one night. I sighed as I rubbed my hands up and down my face, trying to keep myself awake. I had to figure this out now; there was no time to waste.

Alice sat still next to me, her breathing barely causing a stir to her composure. She watched me with an empathetic twinkle in her eye. I had the feeling she knew about my sudden internal conflicts. I wonder if they changed her visions, if one minute the future is one way and the next it's completely different, all because I'm the most indecisive person in the world.

"I'm going to see if Esme needs help packing anything. I'll be right back." Alice said, patting my knee twice before standing up. "Oh and Stella, try to make up your mind soon. You're giving me a headache." She said with a wink. I chuckled. I knew it.

Alice was gone in an instant, using her super human vampire speed to get where she wanted to be in the blink of an eye. I settled into the back of the couch, crossing my legs and tapping my foot in the air in a slow, steady beat. An audible thump seemed to come out of nowhere, matching the rhythm of my foot tapping. I slowed my foot to a stop, realizing the thumping persisted. It was my heart beat. I focused on it in the silence, feeling the subtle contraction in my chest matching the pulsing in my ears. My eyes fluttered to a close as I listened – ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum…

I opened my eyes to find myself standing in the middle of the room staring at myself slumped along on the couch in the Cullen house. I lifted my hands up to my face, examining them, sliding my fingers in between each other, feeling skin against skin, ensuring that I was real. I looked back at the figure on the couch again. It was definitely me. I stared at myself inquisitively. I then realized I couldn't hear my heart pulsing in my ears anymore. My hand pressed instinctively to my chest. I'm dead, I thought, I'm a ghost. I sighed, my eyes travelling up my figure on the couch, from my toes, up my crossed legs and lifeless arms to my seemingly sleeping face. I jumped back when I saw my chest move. I inched closer to myself, leaning over and squinting as I witnessed my chest move ever so subtly as I breathed in and out. I leaned my head back and exhaled deeply in relief. I was alive, thank goodness! I must be dreaming, I ration, or else this is an extremely convincing out of body experience.

There's a rustling at the front door, someone is fiddling with the lock. I jump back, scurrying to the other side of the room, hiding behind a large, fake plant. The door opens and closes and I hear a familiar chuckle echo from the foyer. Edward appears and smiles at my sleeping form on the couch. He walks slowly towards the couch, taking in the sight before him, then sits down next to me so weightless and effortlessly that the couch barely adjusts to his form. Edward doesn't wake me; he just continues to watch me as the smile spreads wider across his face. He notices the strand of hair that's strewn across my face and approaches it with his index finger, lifting it and tucking it behind my ear. As he does this, I, still standing behind the plant, feel the tickle of something moving across my face and swipe it away. Strange, I thought. I, as an observer, can feel it if Edward touches the sleeping-on-the-couch me, which made this dream a little more interesting. Perhaps this was my mind's way of preparing me for telling Edward my decision, a kind of trial run. I nodded, more than impressed with this plan. My unconscious mind seemed to know what to do better than my conscious mind did.

I continue watching myself on the couch as I awake to Edward's face hovering above me. He kisses my neck, just below my ear. I feel a cool tingle there and find myself moving closer to the scene on the couch. I assumed they couldn't see me, for their eyes remained on each other. I smiled at Edward, but there was something devilish in that smile. She knew something I didn't. Edward reciprocated the smile. I watched, addicted and oblivious. I stepped closer, almost crouching, afraid to get too close, but urging to get a front seat experience of this. It seemed like everything froze as they remained smiling at each other. I relaxed and took a small step back, trying to figure it all out when their eyes shot up to meet mine. I stumbled backwards. They saw me. They could see me. The strange smiles remained on their faces. I looked at Edward as fear arose in me, hoping to find some solace in him. But something seemed to tarnish his golden eyes, and what appeared to be a speck soon fluttered into a smoke-like orb around his pupil, which then seemed to ground itself and expand, bursting and staining his eyes with a piercing red color, replacing the amber I had been so used to seeing there. With red eyes, Edward had never looked scarier. He didn't even look like Edward anymore, not my Edward.

My eyes averted to myself on the couch, amazed that she hadn't been experiencing the same fear that I was. Was she nuts? Is this some kind of vision of my alter ego? Am I really this strong, fearless person deep down? She leaned forward, placed her hand on Edward's chin and turned his face towards her. She nods and Edward's sinister smile widens creepily, his teeth appearing over his bottom lip. She tilts her head to the right, exposing her neck. Underneath her ear, where Edward had earlier placed a kiss, the skin had grown extremely pale, exposing tiny purple and blue veins extending from a large one. Edward slinked his fingers around her neck and swiftly broke the skin with his teeth. Blood poured around his mouth and down her neck. I could feel the warmth on my own skin, but when I put my hand to my neck there was no blood, not even a break in my skin as I was observing in her on the couch. The blood rolls down the couch and drips on the white carpet, pooling in a thick, scarlet orb.

A burning sensation erupts from my neck, spreading outward. I clutch my neck, which is met by sticky, wet warmth as I try to squash the pain. Suddenly I'm not observing anymore, I'm connected again to myself on the couch. Edward sits next to me, smiling with satisfaction. My heart begins beating faster, harder and louder as the burning nears it. The beating becomes so loud I press my fingers into my ears to dull its pleas. Finally the beats become hushed echoes as my heart slows, until it beats once more, twice more, and one last time.

I woke up gasping for air. I immediately pressed two fingers to my neck, searching for my pulse which met me clearly and forcefully. I breathed in deeply to calm myself, letting out a sigh of relief at each exhale. I was still alone, sitting on the couch in the same way I was position before I fell asleep.

I knew now what the dream had meant. It wasn't a helpful trial run; it was a clear and startling warning. I know for sure now that I could never be entirely okay with vampires, that still they terrified me, and I could never see myself as one. The idea was one I could never stomach, no matter how madly in love I am. I could never be madly enough. At the end of the day, I can never be the girl he's been longing for.

It made me sick how all along I knew I could never be what he wants, yet I allowed him to continue chasing after me. I hung on to the hope and idea of him just as much as he did to me. I'd tied his heart on a string like a balloon, refusing to let it go even as it deflated in my grasp.

Being together forever was never meant to be our destiny. He was brought to me to wake me up and bring me to life, and I was brought to him to snip the string and let him soar on his own. He deserves to be with someone who can take risks with him, someone who doesn't hesitate, who will just take his hand and jump. He needs someone without complications, someone who can take care of him and love him for all that he is. It's my job now to show him the path to that. Only then will he truly be happy, and his happiness is all I could ever really ask for.

So it was decided. He would leave and I would stay and that would be it. I reminded myself that while this is the end we had something spectacular. We shared a love that defied the impossible. That has to mean something.

"Stella, you're awake!" Alice's voice echoed through the empty house, scaring me out of my skin. "Ah, a little jumpy, are we? Maybe you should rest a bit more." She suggested, turning away.

"Wait." I called after her. I wasn't sure what to say or how to say it, but I felt as though I needed Alice and that she was the only one who could help, not because of her ability, but because she was my best friend. Alice's mouth parted into an 'O' as she realized which way my decision was leaning and that I needed her guidance. She smiled softly and sat down next to me, placing a hand over mine.

"Tell me everything." She said.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this." I whispered. "Even though I love him, there's just too much separating us. No matter how I look at it or try to rationalize this, there's always something holding me back that I can't ignore. I'm not strong enough for this. I'm not that assertive person I was; I don't even have all of her memories back. I'm barely half of the girl he was trying to find. I just keep thinking that maybe this time wasn't for us. I wonder if he'd be happier if I just set him free." I explained, hoping Alice would understand my scattered thoughts.

"You don't want to be a vampire." She stated. I shook my head, a tear rolling down my cheek. I felt almost ashamed for not wanting to be a vampire to be with Edward. Any other girl would be stretching their necks out for him and here I was about to walk away.

"I can't. I want to want it, I do, but it's just not for me. I thought I could deal with it or grow to like the idea with time but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. I'm so scared of what would become of me, which makes me feel even worse because I'm terrified of something that is a huge part of someone I love." I stopped, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip as my eyes burned with tears and my cheeks grew hot. "You know, Jacob said something to me that suddenly seems to make perfect sense. He said that maybe this time was a do-over, a chance for me to have a normal life. But I don't think the do-over was for me. I think it was for Edward. I mean, he's spent decades with Bella and me, _us_, as his main purpose in life. It's like loving me gave him tunnel vision, where he saw nothing else and I don't want to do that to him. He deserves to enjoy life, he deserves to really live and experience all of the opportunities he has because of what he is. I'll only hold him back. But at the same time letting him go would be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do and I know it'll hurt him. I just don't know what to do, Alice."

Alice placed her hand on my cheek, and then rested my head on her shoulder to comfort me. She stroked my hair and rocked back and forth.

"It'll be okay, Stella. Whatever you decide, it'll be just fine."

"Are you just saying that?" I asked, having heard the 'it'll be okay' comforting phrase many times before.

"Are you betting against me?" She asked playfully. "I've seen every option. I've seen you come with us, I've seen you stay, I've seen you changed…you're going to make the right decision."

"What would have gone wrong?" I asked, going against my better judgment of not knowing the what-ifs of my life and Edward's.

"Do you really want to know?" she asked. I nodded. "It's not that it wasn't good when I saw you coming with us. It's just that there was a lot of resentment that built up over time. Leaving your family and your life here would have been devastating for you. The guilt would infect your relationship with Edward eventually. And you know Edward, he would blame himself. That's not to say you weren't happy, it's just that it would become tainted." Alice explained. Her vision of the future revealed everything I had feared in my decision to go with them, and re-assured my decision not to. Still, I worried for him and what my staying would do to him. "You'll both be at ease this way. It won't be pure bliss, but you'll be happy." Alice said, as if reading my mind.

I gulped in hiccups of air as the reality of the situation settled into my bones. I was staying. He was leaving. This was it.

"I don't know how to tell him." I whispered.

"Just tell him what you told me. I won't lie to you, he won't be happy. But if he believes it will make you happy he'll be fine eventually."

"Thanks, Alice, for everything. I know I haven't spent much time with you since you've been here, but you'll always be my best friend and I love you very much." My bottom lip trembled as I said my goodbye to Alice.

"If I could cry at all, I'd be sobbing right now. But this isn't goodbye, we'll meet again someday. I haven't seen it yet, but I just know it'll happen." Alice promised as she threw her arms around my shoulders. Her grip softened as she pulled away, a stifled sigh billowing from her nose. "Edward's home." She said. "You can do this. Everything will be alright." Alice stood to leave.

"Alice, wait." I said, stopping her. "Can you look after him once you're gone? Make sure he doesn't try anything stupid. I know the second book isn't entirely accurate, but I just need to be sure nothing bad will happen."

"I will, don't worry." Alice assured before disappearing. I bit back tears, knowing that this was the last time I would ever see Alice. The sound of the front door opening and slamming shut seemed to slurp the tears back up, replacing them with anxiety and tension ripping apart my chest.

Edward walked through the front door, his eyes warm with satisfaction after a good hunt. When he saw me on the couch his eyes seemed to get even brighter as his smile reached them. I tried to smile, but I knew I was a bad liar and could never fake my emotions. A lump rose in my throat. He'd know in an instant something is wrong. Edward sat down next to me and pulled me close. He knows it's bad. He's never hugged me tighter. He placed his hands on both of my cheeks and pressed his lips to mine. His kiss was soft and gentle, not urgent like a plea for me to stay. He pulled his lips from mine, the smile returning to his face. He has no idea. My heart felt like it was collapsing in my chest, like a deflating balloon, with the outer layer folding in onto itself as the air escapes it. I looked away for a moment to rebuild my strength. I had to do this, I can't be selfish anymore. Leaving is the best thing for him.

"Stella?" His voice trickled through my ear like the wind blowing through a light rain. I would miss it. I forced myself to look into his eyes, the warm, golden spheres that felt like home, beckoning just inches away from my face. They moved from side to side like a metronome, devouring me with each swift motion. There was such hope and sincerity in his eyes, and the task I faced would no doubt burn that to a cinder. My bottom lip began to tremble without my consent. I had to say something, dragging this silence out seemed cruel. Maybe this could be a clean break; we could both go our separate ways and heal easily.

"We need to talk." I mumbled, finally. I hated sounding so cliché, uttering the four words anyone would dread to hear coming from the person they love. It is certain doom, yet Edward looked at me lovingly, with even a hint of a smile on his face. His hand cupped the back of my neck as he leaned in closer.

"What is it, love? Are you feeling alright?" He asked, caressing the hair flat on my neck. I shook my head no. Edward's hand stopped moving along my neck. It slithered to my back, pressed flatly between my shoulders. He looked away, letting out a sigh. His brows furrowed and his lips were parted as he searched for his words. "Are you having cold feet?" He asked, his words slowly prancing from his tongue. He asked the question while doubting it at the same time, as if it couldn't be true, yet the possibility remains. I gulped, my throat feeling suddenly dry.

"Sort of." I whispered, the strength disappearing from my voice. My foot began shaking, bobbing up and down and the ball of my foot. "Edward," Uttering his name felt like I was being punched in the gut. I hated doing this to him and to me, but I knew it had to be done. I mentally reminded myself that this is for the best, that we could walk away smiling somehow, we just had to get through this bump first. I parted my lips to speak, searching for the strength to utter the words. "I can't go with you." I said, finally.

"Oh." He paused, looking down at the floor for a moment before returning his gaze to me. "I understand. I know how difficult a decision this was for you. But don't worry, it'll be alright. I'll visit as much as I can while we're apart. It'll be almost as is I'd never left." He smiled, gliding the back of his fingers down my cheek. The smile fell from his face as he took in my saddened reaction to his seemingly happy solution.

"No. I mean that maybe this is the end of the road for us." I whispered.

"What?" Edward pulled away from me, his eyes moving rapidly from side to side as they searched mine. His lips parted slowly and his brows furrowed as he realized what I meant. "I don't understand." He muttered slowly.

"I thought I was fully prepared to go away with you, to spend forever with you. Even when I met you in the driveway to leave I was –" tears began free falling down my cheeks. I tried to suck them back as I continued to explain myself. "I was ready to jump into it with you, no matter what. But then I got here and something just didn't feel right when it should have. I couldn't figure it out. I sat here alone, prodding myself for some kind of explanation. I realized it didn't feel right because I'm not ready. I don't think I ever will be. I can never be what you are, Edward. I just can't. And even if I stayed human, there would always be this thing separating us. I'll never be able to fully understand you or do the things you could do with another vampire. I'll never be running at super human speeds, or hunting with you. I won't be seventeen forever with you. I'll never fit into your world. In the end, I'll only be holding you back." Edward coiled into himself as I spoke, moving further away from me on the couch. I noticed him twitch in objection to things I was saying. Watching him break under my words was worse than any physical pain I could ever endure.

"Stella, you could never hold me back. _You_ are what has kept me moving forward. I understand how quickly all of this is happening, but we can wait. I'll wait for you. When you're ready I'll be here."

"That's just it. I don't want you to wait for me anymore, Edward. You gave me my life back when you came to Wolfeville. You showed me there is so much more to this world that I had been too clouded to see. And now it's my turn to do the same for you. I want to give you your life back, Edward; I want to set you free. "

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose while shaking his head.

"Stella. Stella, I understand you aren't ready. Asking you to leave your family and your life here is a lot to ask of you to be with me. I'll wait for you. No matter how long. When you're ready, if you're ever ready, I'll be here waiting." He insisted.

"No. No, Edward that's not what I want for you. I don't want you to waste every day waiting for me. You've waited enough. I can't be the center of your world anymore, Edward, it's time you widen your perception of the world, past me, past Bella. Everything the world has to offer is in your fingertips, you should jump at the chance to explore it. You made sure Bella experienced every human right of passage there was. This is me making sure you have every vampire right of passage there is. You deserve so much more than this. You deserve to be with someone who can spend every hour of the day with you and see the world the way you do. You should be able to be with someone, _really_ be with someone, without being afraid of killing them. You should be able to look at them and see yourself and be content with who you are in their eyes. You need to take life by the horns and enjoy it with someone who can at the same capacity as you, someone without an expiration date." Edward continued to shake his head from left to right, disagreeing with my decision, yet remaining silent, respecting it. However, I knew nothing I said would make him do what I wanted. He'd never let himself be free of me. I had to make sure he would.

"I'll tell you what." I said, scooting closer to him and taking his hands into mine. "Let me wait for you this time. Go do your thing while we wait for this Twilight thing to blow over, be a vampire, be with other vampires, experience this world and when the time is right I'll come to you and I'll find a way to have forever with you."

Edward lowered his head, letting the silence linger. He then chuckled, his head bobbing up and down. I knew he doubted me, that I could possibly find a way to live with him forever other than his way. Or perhaps he chuckled at the idea of existing without me for awhile, something he hadn't done in a fairly long time. His eyes met mine, finally, filled with warmth. Following through with what I was asking of him may be on the fence, but I knew he respected what I wanted.

"That is what would make you happy? Out of everything else, that's where your happiness lies, with me being what I am?" He asked, rubbing his jaw.

"Yes. That's the only thing that would ever make me happy." I confirmed. Edward nodded.

"It's funny," He whispered, lifting his head. "I would have given anything to hear Bella say what you've said to me tonight. I can't blame you for wanting the one thing I've always cherished – your life." Edward ran his hands up and down his face, and then leaned back into the couch. It was the most relaxed, lazy form I'd ever seen him in. "Bella, she was always so insistent on being what I am and all I wanted for her was a normal life. But she wouldn't quit me and I was addicted to her." He said, his lips moving quickly as he spoke. He stopped and burned a hole into the carpet as he stared at it, pondering something.

"I never fully grieved for Bella." He admitted in a somber voice, gazing ahead. "I still miss her so much. It wasn't long after she died that Alice told me about you. I was so obsessed with having her back that I never came to terms with the fact that she was gone. And now here you are, and while I do love you so very much, I also see how different you two are. There are many similarities, of course, but it's not the same as it was. I suppose I assumed you'd look at me and just know, like she would emerge from you in an instant. Instead I got her in pieces, and found I was also falling in love with the parts you filled in. It surprised me, I didn't think I could ever love anyone other than Bella, but you proved me wrong, I can love again. Even so, I haven't healed. All these years, and I'm still an open wound." Edward finally turned to look at me. "I will move on because it's what will make you happy. I suppose there are some things I've yet to experience as a vampire, like caracal. I hear they're so delicious it's practically sinful." Edward smiled. It was a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. I wasn't feeling too happy for the caracal, but I was grateful that Edward was understanding. Now all that was left was goodbye.

I never imagined that it would lead to this. I imagined many different things, some wild and unreal, but never did I truly imagine goodbye. Now that it's here I'm not too sure how to proceed. It's a simple word, but does it all truly end at goodbye? Goodbye is so final, a clean cut, but I have a feeling this won't be clean. It will be messy and sloppy and definitely not final. My heart could never really say goodbye to his, no matter how much distance is between us.

Edward ran his hand through his hair with a sigh. I was choking up, the word lodged in my throat. I let the word go for a minute and scooted closer to him, resting my head on his chest. Edward wrapped his arm around me and placed a kiss on the top of my head, resting his chin there. I took in his scent, breathing it in deeper and deeper each time I inhaled as I fingered the buttons of his shirt. It didn't feel like goodbye. It didn't feel like anything. We were just here, now, together.

"I best take you home." Edward muttered. I sat upright, glanced at him and nodded. Neither of us could say it yet, even though it was happening regardless of whether we acknowledged it out loud or not. Edward got up first, lending his hand out to me. I slid my fingertips along the palm of his hand, wondering if this would be the last time I'd feel this cool, electric skin against mine just like this. Edward closed his eyes, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed in reaction to my warmth. He gripped my hand tighter, only to quickly release it and walk ahead of me towards the door.

Outside the air had gotten crisp and cold. My breath materialized in front of me as I followed Edward to the Volvo, my throat burning against each cold breath I took. Edward's skin took on a blue hue, matching the sunless early morning. I didn't even know what time it was, how much time we had left. It made me nauseous just thinking about that, the time we had left. It was supposed to be time we had to spend together, eternally, no limits, just time spanning out in front of us like a meadow that spanned out for miles it seemed to never end. It's funny that even now I can picture it. I can see us together somewhere just being together and it makes me cringe in pain to think I'm throwing it away. But then I look closer and realize she's not me. She's who I used to be. It's what she wanted. I need to take control of this life this time and allow Edward to have his. We couldn't be selfish anymore.

Edward flicked the door handle up and slowly opened the door to the passenger's side of the car. He paused, then dragged his feet around the car to the driver's side. He seemed lifeless and weak. The air beneath his feet that silenced his steps had disappeared. Looking at him, I didn't see a vampire. I saw a defeated man.

I sat inside the car and quietly closed the door, feeling stiff all of a sudden. I wanted to say something, to touch him and let him know that I'm here right now, that we still have time. But maybe that would only make it worse, like pouring salt into an open wound. The tension between us was unbearable and the silence wasn't helping. It drove me almost to the point of just taking it all back, reinstating my decision to leave against all my better judgments, anything to see the life breathed back into him right now. I knew he was hurting, past the sensitive understanding and acceptance of my decision, behind the whole trying a caracal and living it up vampire style, I saw right through him. I just never expected to see him break like this. I never thought he'd appear so fragile.

Finally, Edward put the key in the ignition, revved the engine and sped down the drive towards the main road. I noticed his hangs grip and release the steering wheel over and over as we drove down the pitched black and seemingly endless road. I glanced at the time which beamed a blurred green in the dark, 3:42 AM... 3:44 AM…3:47 AM. I began tapping my foot restlessly, watching the road underneath the headlights' beams. It felt like we'd be driving for hours. I couldn't take it anymore.

"You haven't said a word since we left the house." I mumbled. Edward shifted in his seat, leaning his body towards his window, and dropped one hand from the wheel.

"I just don't have much else to say right now." He said, placing both hands on the wheel again. Moist warmth emerged from my eyes. I dropped my gaze, hoping to catch the drops before they fell. I sucked them back, feeling pressed for time.

"Edward, we can't leave things like this. Please, talk to me."

"I don't want to say anything to you that I'll regret, okay Stella?" Edward huffed, shaking his head. "I understand your decision, I do, but you have to understand that you are everything to me, and to lose you twice – I just need to adjust. I'm not angry with you, not in the slightest. All I can think of is what I could have done differently, what I could have said that would have changed the course of what happened."

"Nothing. I think it would have always ended up here. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed it. You did everything right." I insisted, hoping he would see the silver lining in all of this and none of it was his fault. The more I tried, the more I found myself leaning towards the lame 'it's not you, it's me' excuse and I hated that.

"If we had more time –"

"We don't." I cut him off, hoping to sever the 'what-ifs' about to pour from his lips. "But, we have right now."

"It's not enough." He whispered.

"I know."

Edward pulled into my driveway, turned the car off and cut out the headlights. In the dark, everything appeared empty and dead. The windows of my house were painted black, giving no hints to life inside. Suddenly I was paralyzed. I couldn't move. I wouldn't. I glared at the clock, willing it to freeze. I hated time, loathed it with every fibre of my being. Nothing good comes of time. All the waiting, the aging, the flying, the cutting short… it's always let me down. I'm hanging on to minutes and seconds now, grabbing at them and squeezing tight until one after the other slips through my fingers and become lost forever. The minute before last doesn't even exist anymore. The moments we've shared will be gone forever. He won't exist anymore once time takes him away.

I tightened my jaw and composed myself. This is the right thing to do. He'll be better off because of this. He'll be happier, with the chasing behind him. He won't have to pine for me anymore, he can just be. That's what's best. This is right. Maybe he'll even thank me one day.

"Stella? Are you ready?" Edward asked, sadness and reluctance clear in his voice. I nodded. Edward sighed and stepped out of the car, appearing at my window in seconds. He opened the door and as I stepped out, a cold, wet thing landed on my nose. I looked up and saw millions of white clusters swaying from left to right as they descended from the black sky. It was the first snowfall of the season. I closed the door behind me and leaned against the car, mesmerized by snowfall I've seen every year. There's something about snow falling that makes me feel like I've stepped into a dream. The Earth is quiet as these tiny fluffs softly fall together, surrounding you in a kind of haze. It's so very somber and magnificent at the same time. Watching the snow fall, it feels like time has stopped.

I looked up at Edward, my eyes wide like a child's seeing snow falling on Christmas morning. The snowflakes cling to the wool of Edward's coat, remaining frozen. I pulled him closer and glanced down at his lapel, marveling in the shape of the flake. Close up, they really do look like tiny little stars. I'd never stopped to notice before. Time has never allowed it until now, slowing me down just as the sand burns through the hourglass at a daunting pace.

Edward smoothed his thumb across my cheek, sending shivers up and down my spine. I looked up into his golden eyes, which seemed to have paled out in this light. He hesitantly put his lips to mine, gently parting them, then lingered there, putting his forehead against mine, breathing heavily. His breath smelled so sweet.

"Stay." I said in barely a whisper.

"Okay." Edward nodded as he lowered his head, pressing his cheek to mine. I didn't want to move. If only we could just stay here, if this moment could be encapsulated into a snow globe forever, frozen and without time, just the two of us in our own little world. Edward's cold hands cupped my face as he kissed my forehead, then took a step back, offering his hand to me. Moment over. There it goes, melting away into the ground like the very first fallen snowflakes already forgotten.

I put my hand into his and let him lead me to the front door. I hesitantly turned the knob to find it was still unlocked from when I had left earlier. I stepped aside, letting Edward in first, then hopped over the threshold, carefully closing the door behind me. I slid out of my shoes and began to tip toe to the stairs when a hushed chuckle came from behind me. I turned, taking in Edward's amused expression at my attempt to be sneaky. He came up behind me, lowering his lips to my ear.

"I think I have a better way." He said, scooping me up. We were at my door in no time. I felt a bit light headed but he certainly got the job done. Edward had his hand around my door handle when I remembered Lindsey was sleeping in my room.

"Wait! No!" I said in a harsh whisper. "In here." I took his hand and guided him to Lindsey's room, opening the door to the Twilight frenzy inside. I closed the door, feeling relief that we made it, as if we were playing tag and this was home-free.

"Before I turn on the light, I'd just like the warn you about the mass amount of Twilight stuff that is plastered and on display in here." I said, flicking on the light to the mania.

"I'm surrounded by myself." He said as he took in the multiple 'Edward' posters.

"You're way better." I said, wrapping my arms around his waist as I let a yawn escape.

"You should lie down, come on." Edward took my hand and lead me to the bed. I crawled in and immediately found my place on his chest next to me.

"Oh." Edward muttered.

"What?"

"If it weren't for that calendar I wouldn't have realized what day it is."

I looked up at the wall where the Robert Pattinson calendar hung proudly, displaying the month of November.

"Oh, God." I mouthed. Out of all the days of the year to make the decision to part, it had to be this one.

"November 17th." Edward nodded. "Life knows just when to cue the dramatic irony." He scoffed. "I hadn't even thought about it. Every year it hits me, but this time it almost slipped away. The memory of her lifeless in my arms, feeling the warmth leave her body haunts me every time." Edward stared at the date on the wall, his eyes fixated on the little box with the number 17 inside.

"Edward, I'm right here." I said, propping myself up on his chest, cupping his face in my hands to get his attention. "I'm right here." Edward tightened his arms around me, took my hand from his face and placed it over his heart.

"I know." He sighed, dropping his gaze down to his hand cupping mine on his chest. "I'll have to leave soon."

I wish he hadn't reminded me, I was already beginning to forget.

"Then…"I began, only to stop myself, feeling awkward for having to ask, but also feeling the pressure of time breathing down my neck. "Then kiss me. Don't think about it, just do it. Forget I'm human for two seconds, because, honestly, that's all we have."

Edward parted his lips, his eyes questioning me and himself. He was thinking about it already, worried if he could allow himself to forget about staying in control, worried if he could risk it. And I knew he wouldn't. He would never risk it, even if he knew it meant missing out on our last kiss.

"Forget it." I shrugged, shrinking back to my side of the bed. Edward groaned, and before I could blink he was hovering above me like a ghost, his body welcomingly invading my space. He nudged my nose with his playfully. There was something about that simple gesture that made me giggle. It was so primal, yet so sweet. I could feel his smile stretch against my lips. He placed a soft, plush kiss at the corner of my mouth, and then the other. He lowered his lips to my ear and whispered,

"I love you, Stella Hayes. I love you with everything that I am." Then, he rushed his lips onto mine, darting his tongue in my mouth, allowing it to wrestle freely with mine. His hand clutched my side, cold fingers digging into my skin. Waves of euphoria and passion were pouring through me, thoughts completely escaping me. Flashes of bed sheets and wet kisses, the ghost of a touch in untouchable places, of cold breath against newly bare skin all unfolded before my eyes as I remembered what it was like to truly be with him. I wanted to feed the urge, to relapse into my addiction to him, but I knew if I did it would make goodbye even harder, maybe even impossible. But my body didn't care about what my mind thought was best. I was fighting against myself, thinking cautiously and acting impulsively at the same time.

"Stella." Edward groaned, pulling himself away. "I'm sorry." He quickly retreated to the foot of the bed, then turned around and walked to the wall. He leaned his head against it, with his fists clutched on either side. I sat up and watched him, feeling sorry; sorry that I'm human, sorry I made him feel what he's feeling now because I asked him to give up his control, sorry he's a vampire, sorry that will always come between us. Sorry. I've been thinking and saying that word a lot lately. I'm sorry, he's sorry; love shouldn't make you feel sorry, should it? But then forbidden love, well, I guess that's just a different story.

Edward turned around and stepped towards the end of the bed, pressing his knees against the mattress. He stared at me, into me, asking me one more time to run with him. Run away. Just go. We'll figure the rest out once we get to wherever we're going and we'll be fine because we have love and love is all we need. How can we see any other way in life except with each other? We belong together. Run. Run away. Go. Don't think, don't rationalize and hesitate. Just go. Run, Stella, run. But I can't. I won't run. It's not like I want to stay, to be here with all of the debris of what's left of us, to piece my life back together, but I can't go. Not this time. I looked away from his pleading eyes as they shimmered and glowed, enticing me to just leave it all. I had to be strong enough for the both of us now. Our forbidden love story would end far worse if I left. We wouldn't be over in a fit of passion or selfless act of love, it would end tainted by resentment, regret, guilt – poisonous emotions that would kill any love we have for each other. This way our love remains intact, epic even, while we go our separate ways, and he can fully grieve Bella and I with a happy memory of us. He needed this, he just can't see it yet.

I glanced up again, and could see the shift in his gaze. He understood, let out a sad tug of a smile and nodded once. I was glad, mostly, but a part of me, a small part deep inside, wanted him to plead one more time. Once more and that part would burst through and give in. But he didn't, and that tiny gleam wishing for a fairytale dwindled down to a faint shadow lurking in the corners of my mind.

Edward sat down at the edge of the bed next to me, took my hands, kissed them, then held them against his heart. He kept doing that, placing my hand there, as if branding himself with it. I have his heart in the palm of my hand and he has mine. Always.

"I keep catching myself thinking 'I wish things could have turned out differently,' and then I remember that wishing doesn't change anything. I could wish on stars and eyelashes, but it doesn't matter. I don't _want_ to say goodbye, but…" I shrugged, not knowing what more I could say, since nothing, no amount of words, could ever make a difference.

"We have to say goodbye." Edward whispered.

"Yeah." I agreed. Edward closed his eyes, inhaled and held his breath. He opened his eyes slowly, his face rigid, fighting tears that would never descend.

"Now. We have to say goodbye now." He said, his voice cracking.

"What? But, we just got home. I thought we had at least another hour."

"It's almost 6 AM, the sun will rise in about an hour. We need to leave."

Out of nowhere it was as if someone had just punched me in the neck, stopping the air flow in and out of my body. I had been preparing myself for this moment, telling myself we needed this and it was right, and now that it's here I don't know how I'm going to say it. I don't know how I'm supposed to hug him and then just let him go, or part my lips to kiss him then close them again once he's gone forever.

I stared at our hands woven together against his chest, not wanting to ever let go. It was then that I noticed the ring on my finger underneath Edward's ring finger. They both shone together, glowed even, as they made their homes on the fingers of our left hands where they belonged. And I couldn't keep it. Just in case I come back for a third lifetime, or if he finds someone new, he needs to have it back. It wouldn't be right to keep it, to stay married to someone I'm supposed to be letting go. All ties had to be cut, especially this one. I pulled my left hand away from the nest of our hands against his heart, causing it's collapse. I placed my thumb and forefinger around the ring, rubbing and twisting it, not wanting to remove it and feel the emptiness once it's off.

"Edward, I should –"

"No, keep it. Please." Edward closed his hand around my left hand, protecting the ring, honoring its place.

"I don't feel right keeping it. What's the point of parting if we still have our rings? This will only bind you to me when you should be running free. You don't need the reminder."

"I need the reminder that you're still with me anywhere in the world, no matter where I end up. Please, keep it. You don't have to wear it if you don't want to, but if you give it back then it just makes this so much more…" Edward stopped, the word stuck on his tongue.

"Final?" I said, finishing his sentence.

"Yes."

"Take my word for it, this isn't final. With us it could never be final. We don't need rings, these accessories, as proof of our love, Edward, you should know that. I don't need to look down at my hand to know you love me or that I love you." I pulled my hand from his grasp and took the ring off. "I'll love you with or without this. I just think you should hang on to it. That way when we meet again I can wear it permanently, without second thoughts or cold feet. I want to put this on when we can be together one hundred percent. Right now, we both need to just be apart and grow away from each other. Rings will only make that harder." I took Edward's hand, placed the ring in his palm and folded his fingers over it, bringing it to my lips and leaving a kiss on it before releasing it. "I love you, I always will. I can never love anyone else like this. For me there's only you in my heart, my soul…everything."

Edward's lips charged upon mine, knocking me against the headboard. He then pulled his lips away, resting his head over my shoulder, clutching me and moaning as if to cry, even though he couldn't. His fingers, formed like claws, dug into my back as we rocked back and forth. All of the strength escaped me, breaking me down into quiet sobs.

"I can't leave you, I –"

"Sh…" I hushed him, caressing the nape of his neck, trying my best to calm him, to retain my strength as I felt it slipping.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I know it's what we need, I get that, but how? How can I just go on?" Edward asked as he calmed himself, releasing his fingers from my back.

"You can do it, Edward. I believe in you. You can do anything. It's going to be hard but, you work through this and you can conquer the world. And when that day comes when we're both ready, I'll be here. Who knows, maybe someday I'll even have a cabin in the meadow all set up for you with me waiting inside. It'll be our little slice of paradise." I assured, smoothing the stray hairs from his beautiful, angelic face, gliding my thumb across his bottom lip, taking in every angle and committing it to memory. Edward smiled at the possibility of us being together in the future, banking on it.

"I love you. Those words seem so feeble, I can't say them enough. I love you. Always you." He said as he stood and approached the window. I followed, sucking dry the last seconds I had with him. Edward unhinged the locks and pushed the window open, then turned to me and placed a long, gentle kiss on my forehead.

"I love you. Edward, I love you." He was right, those words are feeble. No matter how I say them, they don't seem to be enough. Edward lifted one leg out of the window, sitting on the ledge.

"Goodbye." He said, then dropped into the darkness.

I stared into the black night sky, knowing no matter how much I searched, he wouldn't appear at my window again as if he'd read my mind from afar. I felt an aching emptiness spread throughout my body. I lifelessly closed the window, plopped into bed and closed my eyes. There were no thoughts swimming through my mind to keep me from sleep. No anxiety for the day to come, no excitement, no sadness or dread. Just nothing. Sleep flushed through my system before reality really had a chance to hit me and as I slipped into blackness I was grateful for it, to feel nothing, to be suspended into a world far from my own, to forget.


	20. Homesick

**19. Homesick **

I'm lying in the grass with my arms folded behind my head, staring up at the sky. It's completely clear, not a cloud in sight, and the sky is the darkest shade of light blue I'd ever seen. Full tree branches invade the blue here and there on the sides, but it doesn't seem to mind. The sun beams its heat down on to my skin, a floated orb up there, undisturbed by white fluff, twinkling in between the shiny leaves on the tree branches hanging underneath. Staring up at it, my eyes aren't burning and I'm not going blind. I think to myself that going blind from looking directly at the sun is a myth. My vision is as clear as ever staring directly at the blaring sun. My eyes have hurt more looking into a measly light bulb than right now, looking up at the giant light bulb in the sky. There's a subtle breeze, the best of kinds, not cold, not warm, but just right. It blows my hair away from my face and kicks the grass against my skin. I can feel the Earth turning and watch as the sky begins to spin slowly in the opposite direction. The days must be shorter, I think. Every ten minutes I've done a full spin. Days must be ten minutes long now. That's perfect. You can't get much accomplished in ten minutes, so I'll just lay here every day, watching the world turn.

I wake up in the dark. For a minute I don't know where I am or how I got here, how time just froze when I had just existed in a world with ten minute days, spinning skies and never ending sunshine. I roll over on to my back, feeling as though I haven't slept in weeks. It must still be morning, the sun isn't up yet. Suddenly the door flies open, allowing light from the hallway to pour through, stinging my eyes. Lindsey storms through to her desk, gathering her laptop and one of the Twilight books in her arms. As she turns to leave she glances towards the bed and notices I'm awake.

"Well, good morning sunshine." She groans, standing ground at the end of the bed. I could hear her foot tap vigorously against the hardwood floor.

"Morning? What are you doing up?" I asked, confused.

"Me? What are you doing asleep? It's 6 p.m!"

"Six p.m?" I clutched the clock on the night stand and couldn't believe it was 6:13 at night. I'd slept through an entire day. I'd missed class. "Shit." I said under my breath, hoping I didn't miss an exam review, or worse an actual exam. I couldn't believe I'd been this removed from real life, not just for the day I slept away but for the past couple of months since Edward showed up. Edward…I retreated back under the covers, wrapped my arms around my knees and closed my eyes, wanting to be back in the world of sun and ten minute days.

"Oh no you don't! I know we're supposed to be sensitive to you right now and all, but you have your own bed thank you very much!" Lindsey whipped the blankets off of me and pulled me by the arm, making me fumble to the floor.

"Alright, alright." I said, holding my hands up in surrender. I picked myself up off the floor and slid my feet out the door. I could hear muffled whispers coming from the kitchen and creeped down the hallways towards it to see what was going on.

"Sh, she's up. Zachary, enough." My mom whispered harshly. Then it was quiet. I turned, about to retreat to the comfort of my own room when my mom called my name. I grunted and trudged into the kitchen.

"Honey, you're awake!" She said with open arms as soon as I came into view. Mom clasped her hands together and nestled them under her chin, smiling.

"You going somewhere?" Zack asked with a nod, sitting at the head of the table. I looked down at myself, still fully clothed from last night.

"Oh, no I fell asleep in my clothes, I guess." I shrugged, glancing over at my dad reading the paper next to Zack. Good old, silent, non-prying dad. I walked over to him and took the seat next to his. He looked over at me with a smile and wrapped his arm around the back of my chair, inviting me to share the paper with him as he read the 'Opinion' section of The Chronicle Herald.

"Anything good?" I asked.

"Eh." He shrugged, about to turn the page when a heading grabbed my attention.

"Wait." I said, pulling the paper out of his hands. I found the little blurb and read,

_**Great Doctor Leaving Wolfville**_

_On behalf of all of the staff at Wolfville Memorial Hospital, we give a big thank you to Dr. Carl McCulley for being with us these past couple of months, helping take care of our little town. The hospital has been deeply enriched for having had you practicing here. We wish you and your family all of the best in California. _

_ Love, the staff of WM. _

So, that was their story. Carlisle, or 'Dr. Carl McCulley', has relocated to California, of all places. I set the paper down, folding my hands in my lap. I noticed my mom glaring at my dad while he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, placing a comforting hand on my back. They all thought I was grieving because Dr. McCulley picked up and moved his family to California. Well, I guess it was sort of true. My mom rushed to my side and wraps her arms around me, giving my shoulders a big squeeze.

"I'm sorry, honey." She said. "Nancy, you know that sweet old nurse, she came into the shop last week and told me Carl was talking to his superior about putting in his notice, only he didn't know when he was leaving. I guess his job in California wasn't finalized just yet. Anyways, when I found out my heart just broke for you, sweetheart. Tyler was a nice boy. It was all so sudden."

The way my mom spoke made it sound as if they'd all died with the 'he was a nice boy, it was so sudden'. And maybe it was like that, in a way. It's not like I'd be seeing Edward again, at least not in this lifetime. Suddenly I felt sick. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and hunched over, feeling very tired. There was a weird feeling in my stomach, as if I hadn't eaten in days and yet just ate too much, both sensations mixed together, jumbling around my insides. I hated that they all knew. They knew it all this time. They've been pitying me and worrying about me, knowing everything this whole time. I felt so exposed. I didn't like keeping things from them, but having them know, no matter how tweaked from the actual truth, was even worse than having to lie to them. You'd think it would be comforting, but even in the slight truth they've been let in on, what they know is a lie and now I'll have to play along. I can't just miss Edward in peace, I'll have to be sad for this Tyler McCulley and his sudden move to California. And I can't allow myself to fall into some kind of depression or to let this drag on for very long because to everyone else it was a two month fling, instead of a relationship built across lifetimes.

Sitting here with everyone staring at me made me feel like I was one of those suspected criminals in that Law and Order show. Even the kitchen table turns to steel and the only source of warmth is a bright light shining in your face and the heat of the interrogator's stare. I couldn't take it now, in these measly moments. I wondered how on Earth I'd endure it for the days and weeks to come, or what it would be like once I showed up at school, where everyone would know. I didn't want them to know. I wished it could be my little secret that I could tuck away and take out whenever I'm alone until it stops hurting enough to stop peaking at my little secret so often. I could just keep it safe and cherished and that would be that, no one would be the wiser. I tried convincing myself of it, that nobody knew anything at all. But when I looked up at all of them just staring at me apprehensively as if I would break down or lash out at any moment, that dream of my little secret vanished.

"Sweetie, should I set up an appointment with Dr. Aniset? Maybe talking to someone about your feelings will help." My mom said, suggesting me to a local psychiatrist. That was it. They all thought I was coo-coo-bananas all because I happened to sleep through the day, just _one_ day.

"I'm not clinically depressed, mom. I just lost track of time. And I'm not some fragile basket case now either just because he had to leave. I still have two feet and a heartbeat, I'll be just fine." I said, deciding I'd had enough family time and proceeded to get up and leave.

"Well, I was just –"

"Leave her be." My dad interrupted, bless his soul.

I closed and locked the door to my room, plopped down on my bed, criss-cross apple sauce style, and stared at the wall. I didn't bother to turn the light on, it wasn't necessary. The moonlight shone through, creating the shadow of my mini-blinds on the wall with beams of silvery light shining in between. I turned the TV on, but put it on mute, not wanting to hear people speak. Silence felt so comforting now. My thoughts vanished and nothing intruded my mind in the silence. The wind whistled ever so gently outside my window. That's where the magic happened. I smile, remembering when I'd glance over and see his face on the other side of the glass, waiting to come in. Shadows from the trees outside crowd together and form what seems like the silhouette of a man. I sigh and look away.

The strange thing is, I don't really feel it yet. When I look at my window I don't stare at it in gut wrenching despair because looking at it reminds me he'll never be back. I don't really feel anything at this point. I know he's gone and I feel the tears break free when I think about last night and having to say goodbye to him, to turn him down and see the pain in his eyes, but the fact that he's not coming back hasn't sunk in yet. I'm just numb to it, I guess. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. It will hit me eventually, and what scares me is that I don't know how I'll react. Will I get all crazy and do life threatening things just to catch a glimpse of him? Would that even work? The fact that I'd even wonder such a thing worries me. But then I remind myself that I'm not that kind of girl, I'm not like Bella. Plus, this was all my doing. I have to suck it up and move on because it's what I said I wanted. And it is what I wanted. For him.

I laid back, nestling my head into the stack of pillows behind me and drifted to sleep again. I didn't care that it was only seven at night, or that I'd just slept for twelve hours. I wanted to float away and not think about life for a little bit, back to the world of ten minute days and never ending sunshine. Perfection, minus Edward.

I'm sitting at the head of the kitchen table. Edward is sitting at the other. He doesn't say a word and neither do I, we just stare. He looks so serene, like a breathing statue. I can feel my lips stretched into a sweet smile. Everything around us is spinning, a horizontal blur of colors. The table joins the spinning, is sucked into it like a vortex, leaving Edward and I sitting across from each other. It's like we're sitting here for eons, just watching each other. In a split second his expression changes, he's screaming at me but no sound is coming out. His arms are outstretched and he's calling my name as his chair is sucked into the spinning. I don't feel anything except my smile. I just sit calmly and watch. White block letters begin popping out of his mouth, G O O D B Y E. Then he's sucked into the spinning and I watch as it tears him apart, making him a part of all the pretty colors, leaving me alone at the eye of the spinning storm.

I wake up in a cold sweat, my blankets and sheets tangled and sticking to my legs and around my torso. I feel like I'm stuck in a cocoon. I fight with the covers until finally it flings to the end of the bed in a heap. I notice it's almost 2 a.m. and that now I'm wide awake. All of this sleeping is going to ruin me. I turn the volume on the TV back on and start channel surfing, although nothing catches my eye. Eventually, I give up and leave the TV guide on, watching the titles pause and then disappear, leaving new ones in their wake as a guy with a French accent tells me about all of the wonders of cable television.

The world feels so boring now. I'm just here, breathing, heart beating, existing. I realize I've been here before, that this is all too familiar. This used to be my life before Edward; bland, uneventful, without meaning or purpose. Time just ticked further on as I did the same old things. Sleep, eat, go to school, read, sleep – the constant cycle of my life. I guess it's back to that, then. I didn't think it would happen so quickly. And I thought that when things did slide back into place that I'd be a changed person, a butterfly emerging from metamorphosis. Maybe I'm just a moth. A brown one. Boring, useless, a little pesky, nothing particular but there anyways. A moth among butterflies, that's what I am. And everyone's just waiting for me to burst out into bright colors along with them, trying to convince me I'm a butterfly too, but I know I'm not.

I've had enough with the analogies I tell myself explaining my life and not I'm not entirely sure why I do it. To make sense of it all, I guess, even though none of it does. With just one analogy my mind takes off on a tangent. I will it to end, but it's too late, my mind has started and once its begun there is no stopping the lengths it will go, what memory it will trudge up or issue it will bring to the table. The memories are coming, I can feel them under a blurred veil that slowly eases into sharpness the longer I sink into loneliness. His smile plagues my mind. Then his hands, with his long fingers always awkwardly positioned as if they had no idea how to function as a unit. But when those hands met my skin they were experts on how to move. Already I've begun to forget the burning intensity of his skin against mine. I close my eyes and tremble, the sensation barely there, but not sending shivers through me or causing my breath to hitch like he did.

I keep asking myself what's next. Where do I go from here? Moving on seems too painful. I can't just drop him off in the past and turn my back to it. But I can't live in the past either, not forever. I promised him this would make me happy, but at this point without him I don't quite know what would. I try to imagine my life, and at first I can't. What do I want? That's simple, but I can't have him. I didn't really know what I wanted before Edward either. If I went the normal, ordinary person route, I'd finish school. Education is important to me, with or without Edward, although it's been thrown to the side since Edward's arrival. But I could redeem myself somehow, try to do well on exams and take summer courses, maybe. I'd graduate and then be another unemployed person with an English degree.

What did I like before? What were my dreams? I can't even remember. It's now that I realize I lost myself a little bit, even after I gained a huge part of myself with Edward. I forgot what Stella Hayes wanted, what she liked. I was too wrapped up in who I used to be, which was completely consumed by Edward. I'd done it again, allowed myself to fall for him without thinking, to allow him to be the centre of my world and now that he's gone I realize how much of myself I'd given up for that kind of love. He became my everything. He still is. I'm not sure how to get myself back without him. It's as though he ripped out the heart of me and took it with him, wherever he went. I need to get it back, to rediscover who I am alone. It seemed like too daunting a task to embark on, especially now. Right now I just missed him. I needed him. And I let him go. That decision is still simmering within me.

I gathered the covers up, slid underneath and curled into a ball, clutching the corners of the thick comforter, squeezing it in between my fingers. Minutes passed and the silence grew heavier, bringing with it an uncomfortable loneliness. On that note, I closed my eyes and let sleep pull me under.

I woke up a bit past noon the next day. No one had bothered to wake me and for that I was grateful. I didn't want to go to school or be around people. I just wanted to be left alone for a bit, to settle back into life without Edward on my own time and terms. When I appeared downstairs with my comforter wrapped around my shoulders and a pillow in my hand, Zack and my dad didn't say a word, only glanced in my direction to acknowledge me and then continued doing whatever they were doing before I came downstairs. Mom was at the bookstore today while dad spent the day at home on the phone trying to get his hands on an original piece by some author or another. Zack had already been to his morning classes today and was preparing some lunch for himself. Lindsay was at school for another couple of hours. I made my place on the couch to enjoy what time I had without having to answer to mom's or Lindsay's questions or pitiful sideways glances. Not being bothered made me appreciate my dad and Zack just a little bit more.

Zack passed by behind me, taking a seat on the recliner with a sandwich in one hand and the remote in the other.

"Interested in anything particular?" He asked. I shook my head no. "Alright then." Zack shrugged and put on Sports Centre.

I tried to watch the screen, to take an interest in the sports anchor talking about some hockey game, but it seems I'd lost the ability to focus. I stare up at the ceiling, losing myself in its blank, beige color. There's this buzzing feeling in my chest that I can't quite place. It's as though I can feel the impact of two souls fighting over one body. I'm here and there at the same time. I feel at home and estranged. I want to be here and I want to be gone. I want him to be next to me and I want him to disappear, never to come back. I want to die old and I want to die now. I want to be anchored and I want to be free. I want normal and I want extraordinary. I want it for him and I want it for me, but I don't and he doesn't either. I wonder if any of this will ever settle, if as time passes I'll sink deeper into one side of the binary while the other fizzles away. If it doesn't I don't know how I'm ever supposed to have a so-called normal life.

I sunk deeper into the couch, closed my eyes and fell asleep, forcing my conscious mind to stop.

It's Sunday. I hadn't even noticed the days pass. For me time was at rest and it was still Wednesday. Everyone's been coming and going in fast forward. Maybe it's the couch, it has time stopping qualities. It's still Wednesday on here, but it's Sunday all around. But the barrier is broken when someone stops to say hello, to give me a kiss on the forehead or to place a plate of food on the floor for me. Then I'm forced to reach out, brush against the speed and then retreat to the still time of the couch, huddling deep into its corners. I don't want to go out there, but I'm afraid that soon they'll make me because for them it's Sunday, and for them I've been on this couch for far too long.

A layer of crust has formed around my eyes. I do my best to rub it away. When my eyes are freed they're shocked by the light streaming through the windows. It feels like the white light surrounding the holy gates of heaven, it's so painfully bright. I shut my eyes again and I can see it all; the house, the tent, the flowers, the people, everyone's there. Charlie stands in a circle with Carlisle and Esme, sipping his favourite beer, Rainier, dressed in his best suit. It took every kind of bribe to get him into what he referred to as a stuffy trap. Jasper is spinning Alice in circles around the dance floor and her laughter bounces around like an echo. Rosalie is pressed against Emmett's chest, swaying with him against the music. And then he's there, across the room. A foolish smile hovers about his lips as he takes slow, staggered strides towards me. He wants to run to me, but there are humans around. He looks so beautiful in his black tuxedo and bowtie, with a red rose pinned to his lapel. –

The meadow is alive with grass and flowers at this time of year. The ground is soggy, so we place a blanket over the grass to lay down on. Still, the wetness seeps through, but we don't mind. He tells me what he remembers of his life before, his human life. There was a piano in the living room, he used to play. He recalls his parents were very much in love with each other, something he admired. Then he turns to me and says he believes he's found that love with me, Bella. –

Tutunendo, Colombia is dreadful, I can't wait to leave. Rain I was used to, but in conjunction with the heat makes it painfully unbearable. I'm a sweaty mess all of the time. Much to my chagrin, Edward loves it, since I always need to be near him to be relieved of this sticky heat. Every time he walks through the door after a hunt I call to him, ordering him to cool me down. And he loves it even more that I never seem to get cool enough. Sometimes we spend days in bed together, just laying there, skin against skin, listening to each other breathe. I want to be there again. Maybe I made a mistake. –

I can't even look at him, even though he did nothing wrong. It's so cold and desolate here. I look out the window and all I can see is an endless sea of white up above and down below, with showers of it in between that never stops. We're only here for a few weeks to visit old friends of Carlisle's, vampires, all of them young and beautiful. My reflection in the window betrays the image of myself in my mind. The wrinkles, the sagging, the greying...none of it is me. How can he love me like this? It doesn't feel right being in his arms when I look this old. –

The house is perfect. It's what I've always wanted; a small, cozy place to call home. Edward promises we can stay longer this time. I've become close friends with our neighbour, Charlotte. She just had her beautiful baby boy, and for the first time in my life all I want is to feel what it's like to carry a life, to release it to the world, to hold him and love him. It would be a boy first, I just know it. He'd have Edward's green eyes and my full lips. It kills him when I bring it up, when I imagine what our son would look like or what mannerisms of ours he'd inherit. Sometimes when Charlotte leaves Nathan with me, I pretend he's mine, just for a moment. He's so perfect. So little, blissfully ignorant and perfect.

A burning slap to my cheek breaks me free from the dark, unexplored corners of my mind. Lindsay's body appears hovering over me, hands on her hips and disapproving look on her face.

"You look gross." She says, candidly. I look away. She moves in front of me, making it impossible to escape her. "I'm not going away that easily. Stella, you've been on this couch for days. Get it together already. I could squeeze the grease from your hair on to a pan and fry myself a couple of eggs."

I glared at her, then pretended to scratch my ear to feel my hair. I glanced at my finger, which glistened with oil. It was pretty gross, I'll admit. But did I care? Not particularly. I wanted to remember everything I'd just seen. Where is it all coming from? Why now?

"Get up." She ordered. I didn't move. Lindsay gripped my arm and pulled half of me off the couch, making me slide to the floor. "Ugh, I think we might have to burn the couch now. Come on, move it. I don't want to have to make mom and dad re-carpet the living room too." She nudged my shin with her foot. I groaned, planted my hands into the carpet and hoisted myself up.

"Fine. Lay off." I raised both hands in the air, reluctantly surrendering. I plan to reclaim my couch the moment she turns her back to leave. Lindsay turned around, picked up a pile of towels and pressed them into my gut.

"Shower. Go." She ordered like a drill sergeant, her finger stiffly pointed up the stairs.

"You know, you could have a successful career as one of those brat boot camp people on Maury." I grumbled as I ascended the stairs, with Lindsay firmly behind me.

When we reach the bathroom, Lindsay shoves me in and closes the door, locking it from the outside by inserting a penny into the slit in the door handle and turning it to the left. She then continued to fumble around with it, informing me that she'd placed tape securely over the lock and would not let me out until I showered.

I rolled my eyes and turned to face myself in the mirror. I took a step back, bracing myself against the wall. I looked terrible. Worse than terrible, even. My hair was in a knot at the top of my head, which had slowly pulled apart over the past few days from rubbing against my pillow. My roots were slick and blackened with grease. I pulled the hair tie out with a forceful tug, releasing the strands which careened slowly to my shoulders. My skin was breaking out and oily. Pronounced black circles took up residence underneath my eyes, along with a purple shade on my lids, even though I'd been sleeping a lot. Maybe that whole 'over sleeping' thing is true, and that too much of a good thing can hurt you. Too much of a good thing...it's why he had to go, I knew it. It was too much and I couldn't bear to see it sour. It happened once. I chose to go with him and then everything started to twist and turn down a path I never thought we could take until, without warning, it all ended. History has a way of repeating itself.

I turned the water on, watching as steam billowed from the faucet. I pulled my shirt off with a quick tug over my head, causing my hair to flop into my face, where I caught a hint of Edward's scent nestled deep in the strands like cigarette smoke. I grasped my hands in my fingers, bringing it to my nose and inhaled deeply, drinking it in. I almost didn't want to shower now, to rid myself of him. Once the water washes him away, it's really it, it's done. Avoiding the water, I turned to the mirror and just stared at myself again. I realized I couldn't recognize myself in my own reflection. All I saw was a lonely (and apparently very dirty) shell of a girl in a black bra and jeans. I couldn't pick up hints of her personality by her appearance, couldn't conjure a hypothetical story about her, nothing. Who is Stella Swift? Will the real Stella Swift please stand up? Because I seem to have lost her.

Finally, I stepped into the shower. The steam had moistened my skin and hair, picking up every last trace of Edward, amplifying and surrounding me with it. I felt like I was literally bathing in him. At first it was like a blessing, being engulfed by his scent. But then a throbbing pain in my gut pulsed through my body with each inhalation. Being this close to him, yet nowhere near him, was only making me feel worse. I couldn't stand it. I dove into the stream of water and sighed as every last trace of him was washed away, relishing in the warm water hitting my skin, pouring through my hair and trickling out from my finger tips. Then came the regret. What had I done? He's gone now, really gone, forever. I'll never breathe him in again. How could I have thrown it away so quickly? I stared at the drain, then crouched down and placed my fingers over the holes, wanting so badly to take it back. I felt alone and exposed without him now, like I was being unzipped in front of the entire world, watching as they peered into my insides, plucking and poking. I didn't feel safe anymore. I curled into the corner of the shower, watching the water spiral down the drain, taking my hope and sanity with it.

Just as I was about to retreat into myself, a quiet voice spoke up in my mind. Stella, get a hold of yourself, it said. This isn't you. You're not the wallow in depression type. You're the move with the flow type. So life dealt you some lemons, and they're pretty sour, not good enough for lemonade, but eventually when they're ripe enough and with the right amount of sugar, it can be made into the best lemonade you've ever tasted. Right? Maybe. It's possible. I guess.

I got up, trying to take my own advice and get on with it. I flicked the cap open of the shampoo bottle, releasing an explosion of strawberry perfume. I washed my hair with as little enthusiasm one could have for such a thing. I then conditioned my damaged ends, slathered soap over my body and rinsed, staying under the flow of water long after all of the suds had been washed away. I turned the knob to the left a bit more and remained still as the water grew hotter, turning my skin red. Steam began gathering around me in the shower, growing thicker and making it harder to breathe. I turned the water off, rung out my hair and got out, turning the fan on before drying off. I blow dried my hair quickly, then pounded on the door to be let out. There was a fuss with the door knob, then finally the snap of cool air from the hallway. Lindsay stood before me with a wad of tape in one hand and a penny in the other.

"You're welcome. You probably would've died without me. Mom and Dad and Zack may be too afraid to get your butt into gear, but I'm not. There are no free rides with me, missy." She said sternly, then added a wink. I raised an eyebrow at her. "You were so right, Henry wasn't worthy enough to be my Edward. But Sean, oh he so is. You helped me before, and now it's my turn to help you, because that's what sisters do for each other. Come on, I miss the old Stella. Be annoying and snarky and sarcastic and boring like you used to be. Hate on Twilight and sit in your room behind a pile of books. The only way you're going to feel better is if you keep busy with the things you used to do before. I'm risking my sanity for it, that's got to be incentive enough."

I couldn't help but smile a little, even though my sister was basically throwing insult after insult at me. She reminded me of who Stella was. She reminded me that now it's back to reality, back to being a sister, a daughter and a friend to the people I stayed for. But Bella was growing stronger and more alive now, making it extremely difficult to move on when she keeps pulling me back. Maybe they were just fleeting dreams, as time passes they'll dwindle away as moments do.

"I don't hate Twilight." I mumbled, turning to my room.

"What?" Lindsay asked, but I just let the statement linger as I slowly closed my bedroom door.

I approached my closet, remembering I'd thrown a pair of yoga pants and a sweater in there the last time my mom did the laundry and didn't want to see a pile of clean clothes on my floor. The left side of the door slid open with ease, but the right side was jammed. I closed it and tried again but it wouldn't budge. I groaned, ducking underneath my clothes and crawling through the open side to see what was causing the door jam. It was a shoe box, with a nice dent in the side from where I tried to force the door open. I tugged it out, only to have its contents spew across the floor. With a grunt I knelt down and tried to assemble the photographs from my childhood into a pile as quickly as possible and threw them back into the box. I turned to put the box on my desk when I heard a crunch, having stepped on a picture I'd missed. I picked it up, then dropped to the floor after realizing the moment captured in this tiny four by six inch piece of paper was of Edward and I, the day we went through old pictures of me as a kid. Well, he was Tyler to me then, but that didn't matter now. I had a piece of him here that I'd almost forgotten. We aren't even looking at the camera, but rather at each other in a burst of laughter. I can't remember what was so funny. I just remember feeling happy. And in love.

It's a funny thing, this love. You meet someone and it's like the world stops turning. You reach to the deepest point of your being and pull it inside out, opening yourself up for that person and they do the same for you. It's scary, but then you realize the exchange that's happening there. They take every naked truth you reveal and love them, even the parts you don't. You draw connections with the parts you share and fall in love with every crevice of them. The spaces in you that are empty they fill, and you do the same for their empty spaces. You build your existence around being a part of theirs and them being a part of yours. You imagine your life with them always in it. You become one being lodged into two vessels. The crazy, terrifying and intimidating world you knew alone turns into absolute perfection together.

And then you let them go. Any synapses created between the two of you are snapped and pulled apart and you find the spaces they filled are seeping out, becoming empty again. The world isn't so perfect. It loses its color and shine. It's a horrifying place. How do people possibly face it alone? I stare at the picture of Edward and I and see how easy life was then, how simple the world seemed in that moment. It's all so hopeless now.

I picked up the black yoga pants and grey hoodie from the bottom of the closet, put them on and crashed on my bed with the picture of Edward and I in hand. I probably had more in that box. I reached for it and dumped the contents out on to my bed, sifting through the ones of me at age four in a blue, sequinned tutu and then at seven dressed up as a flower girl, of when I was a rabbit one year for Halloween, a witch for another, until one of Edward and I finally surfaced. We were both looking at the camera this time, smiling. Then appeared another, where at the last minute I turned and gave Edward a kiss on the cheek. His perfect face broke into a wide smile, showing the subtle crevice of his laugh lines and his full cheeks pushing up into his eyes. His mouth was open wide, showing his perfect teeth that, even in a picture, appeared glistening and sharp. I caught the corner of another picture peaking through overturned pictures and freed it. We were kissing in this one. My eyes instantly veered towards our lips mangled together, lips between lips. The passion and pleasure was clear on both of our faces. I'm not sure how I managed to snap a picture when we were both so deeply involved in this one kiss. I noticed our lips, how the corner of his and mine tugged up a little, both of us smiling mid-kiss. I miss that, feeling his smile underneath my lips and feeling mine against his. And then, in the middle of remembering his kiss, I hit a wall. What did it _feel_ like? The center of my lip barely tingled as I tried to remember his cold lips against mine. I forget what his skin felt like underneath my fingertips. He's only been gone a few days and already I've forgotten. Then I tried remembering him all at once. How did his voice sound when he said my name? His hair, was it flopped to the left or the right or somewhere in between? His hands, I can't remember his hands. How gold were his eyes at their goldest? Were they ever black? Red? No. But they were opaque once, the golden spheres. I think. His voice, God why can't I remember his voice? It's there, I can almost hear it, like a whisper. And then it's gone, melting into the air and I'm left with nothing. He's gone, he doesn't exist, I can't remember him and I was banking on him living forever in my memories. But now it's all gone. All gone.

My room began to feel smaller than it already is and the air got a little bit warmer. I needed to get out, I couldn't stay in this house. It felt dirty to me and now that I was clean I needed fresh air, I needed open spaces and I needed to think. Everything was happening so fast and with no sense of order. I'm falling in and out of these bouts of despair that I can't control. I feel like a maniac. One minute I'm ready to just dig my own hole and rot, the next I'm living in the past, then I'm back and realize where I'm supposed to be only to have my heart tugged in an opposite direction. Where am I anymore, who am I? I can't figure that out here surrounded by my baby pictures, Stella's pictures, when Bella's thrashing around inside and Edward's not here to calm her and keep her in the dark. I knew I had to connect the two on my own somehow, now that she's becoming more alive and of her own identity than she was only days before when she was just a distant, fading light. There has to be a middle ground between Bella and Stella. Unfortunately, that middle ground was Edward and now he's gone and Bella's pissed. Is that why I had a surge of memories? Is she trying to make me remember, to force me to see and feel what I've lost? Or is it something else entirely? Maybe now that Edward's gone she's trying to show me who we are, who we once were, what we want and what we can have now.

I needed to get out. I couldn't sit here, letting all of these questions fester only to spur on more memories from a past that is just too painful to remember right now. Because when I do, I doubt everything. I got up, picked up my backpack from the corner behind my door and felt around the front pocket for my keys. My fingers brushed against the metal and I snatched them up like one of those claw machines selecting a toy. Technically, I was still banned from driving after backing into a neighbour's car, but at this point I could care less. I threw my bag down and walked as quickly as I could out of the house without letting anyone notice. I felt this need to just disappear for a bit, to be on my own and in my own mind. I didn't want to sit around with everyone else worrying about me and judging me. I didn't want the questions or the 'I know, honeys'. I just needed to be truly alone. I needed to come to some sort of peace about all of this. Rash decisions were never my forte, and with one of the biggest decisions of my life having been made I'm now paying the price, the ultimate form of doubt that must be crushed in order for me to move on with my life.

I reached my car undetected, got in, put the keys in the ignition and turned the car on, driving without any clear destination. I turned the corner, ignoring the stop sign. It wasn't important, I just needed to go. It felt stuffy in there, even though it was cold and I hadn't turned the heat on. For some reason I felt like I was suffocating. I rolled the window down a little, letting the cold air in. It burned in my throat every time I took in a breath. My heart pounded in my chest as I sped down Main Street, swerving in and out of the lane to pass cars that were going far too slow for me. The cool air whipped against my face, making my eyes tear and my nose run. I swiped my hand across my face, spreading the wetness around my cheek. Forget it, I thought, I'm almost there. I turned down Greenwhich road and made another left, driving down until I spotted the dirt road hidden in between overgrown bushes and trees. I made another left, slowing around the twists and turns of the road, then finally came to a stop. I stumbled out of the car, catching myself with my hands. I picked myself up, wiping the dirt off of my hands on to my pants as I stared up at the empty Cullen house.

I could see right through the living room to the back because of all of the floor to ceiling windows. There was no couch or elegant accents filling the inside anymore; the piano was gone too. It was desolate and abandoned now. I'm not sure why I came here, or what I thought I would find. Did I think Edward would be here, waiting for me, disoriented on the front steps telling me he couldn't leave? Or maybe they'd all be here and come out yelling 'April Fools!' in November. No, that's just silly and I knew it was impossible. I walked towards the house, up the steps, then turned and sat down at the top step. I didn't bother trying the door since it was most likely locked, and if it was I didn't want to disappoint myself by the hope of going in only to be denied entry. Plus, I liked being outside. There was something about winter air that seemed to cleanse even the dirtiest of souls. For once, I had no thoughts. I just stared out into the trees, watching as the sky grew darker, the disappearing sun creating a brilliant array of colors in the sky. At the bottom was a bright orange, the sun giving its last bout of light to the north, then a shading of white and finally a rich, dark blue which spanned out and across the sky.

The breeze brushed past my cheek and I closed my eyes, remembering his touch again. And as the wind howled past my ear, his voice whispering my name grew louder. I remember now, how his voice would go into a deep whisper when he said my name next to my ear, his hand on the other side of my face, cupping my neck. I suck my bottom lip into my mouth, and when I release it, the cool air nips are the warmth. It feels like the tingle of mint toothpaste after its been rinsed away, leaving behind this nipping tingle that's refreshing and new. Edward's lips against mine was like that, except amplified and colder. His lips were so smooth, not a line or crack on them. And then I can feel their ghost on my jaw and then my neck, my shoulder, my hand...

"Hello." I whisper, as if he were here now. "I miss you already. I didn't think it would be this hard sending you away. But then who was I kidding? We were made for each other, weren't we? How does someone just give that up? You must think I'm crazy. But, Edward, what else could I have done? Repeat history? Make choices I can never take back? I can take this one back, I can go back to you someday, but not the other way around. And I know you can't see it, but you needed this. We were so blind, weren't we, when we were together? This time apart will let us learn how to see again. I need to see again, past you. I forget what the world looks like without you. And it would be so easy to call you back and have sight again but I can't, I need to see the world on my own this time. And you do too. That's the point of this, isn't it? Ugh, I don't know anymore, Edward, I – my head is all over the place now that you're gone. I was okay that first night, I was. I wish I could go back there, not feeling your absence. But then it hit and everything fell apart, and the Bella in me keeps showing me things. I don't know if they're supposed to help me or make me realize what I let go, but it's just making it worse. I think it's just that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of forgetting you. I mean, I'll always love and remember you, but I mean the details. It all just fades after a while, like when someone dies. I don't want you to fade. My mind isn't heightened like yours, human memory is weak in comparison. And I'm sorry for that, because if I feel haunted by you than I can only imagine what you feel. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be sad, I told you this would make me happy and that we both would be better for it. And I still believe that. It's just so much easier to talk the talk than it is to walk the walk, isn't it? God, Edward, I don't think I'll ever stop missing you and I'll definitely never stop loving you. We'll be okay, right? No, we will. I'm not going to break my promise to you. I'm going to go off and live a full and normal life and you're going to go do a bunch of crazy, super human things. And one day we'll meet up and tell each other all about it. I'll look forward to that day for the rest of my life."

I sighed, knowing this was useless, that I was talking to no one but the trees and the house and the winter air. But it felt better, even if he isn't here to say anything back, it felt better to tell him somehow. Maybe it was sent out to the universe and straight to him, wherever he is now. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

A vibration to my lower right abdomen sent me into a backwards spasm. I patted my pocket, feeling a rectangle bump and pulled it out. My phone flashed in my palm, sending tickling vibrations up through my arm. It was Jacob.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey," He said, accompanied by a breathy laugh. "it's good to hear your voice. I'm just calling to check up on you. It's been a while."

"Yeah, it has. A lot's been going on, I guess."

"Yeah."

"I'm sure you know, about the Cullens?" I was hoping he did, or else I'd have to explain it all. But I figured he must know somehow.

"Yeah, I know. It's sort of why I called. Stella, I'm –"

"Please, don't say it." I interrupted, knowing he was about to add another apology to the growing pile I already had from everyone else.

"_Proud_ of you."

"What?" I asked, surprised that he hadn't intended on apologizing at all.

"I know how hard it was for you to let him go, but you did it and I'm so proud of you. It was the right thing for both of you."

"You're the first person to say that to me. But then again, you're the only one who knows why they really left, so..."

"Yeah, but maybe it's better if no one knows. To them, your boyfriend of two months moved out of town. It's not such a serious thing, happens all the time. They're going to treat you the way they always have because they expect you to bounce back. You don't need people stepping on egg shells around you for the rest of your life. The more in the dark they are, the better it is for you to live your life again."

"I guess. I just don't know how to bounce back. I feel so stuck."

"Do you want to meet up and talk face to face? It sounds like you could use the support and human interaction. Plus I'd really love to see you."

"Alright, but you aren't exactly human." I said, even laughing a little at my own joke, a very Stella thing to do. And it felt completely natural.

"Ha-ha, you got me. You at home? I'll come pick you up." I could hear a chair slide back and a door slam shut on his end.

"Not exactly." I answered apprehensively.

"Well, where are you? I'll meet you."

"The ehm-len house." I mumbled, embarrassed with my location now.

"I'm sorry, can I get that in English? I'm not fluent in the cough-mumble language, they didn't teach that when I was in high school." He said, the sound of his motorbike roaring in the background.

"I'm at the – ugh, the Cullen house." I tapped my food anxiously awaiting his reaction. Jake gave out a loud, obnoxious sigh.

"Alright, I'm on my way."

As I waited for Jacob to arrive, I began to feel really stupid for the past three days. I didn't want Jake to hear about it or to think I was knocked off my rocker or something. But thinking over the past few days that's exactly how it seems. And maybe I am going crazy. Maybe that's how it starts, you go insane and then as the days pass your sanity seeps back in. Right now I just feel so displaced. The only thing I have now is the hope that I'll come back to myself eventually.

Jacob pulled in on his motorbike ten minutes later, took off his helmet and ran his hand back and forth through his hair. Then he lifted his leg over to the left, put his helmet on one of the handle bars and walked over to me, taking a seat to my right.

"Nice night." He said, breaking the silence. I nodded, noting the goose bumps on my arm. "So...talk to me. Tell me what's going on in your head right now."

I opened my mouth to tell him everything, from the memories I've had and the doubt I've been feeling, how I don't know who I am or where to go from here. But the idea of rehashing all of it made me sick.

"Let's talk about something else for a bit. I've barely seen you since you've been here. It's nice to be with someone who knows all of my secrets." I chuckled.

"Yeah." Jake laughed. "I guess I just didn't want to intrude on your time. You had just met Edward and he dropped the bomb...and you probably don't want to hear that. I had a lot to do with the pack here anyways, we were both busy. But now we've got all the time in the world."

"Do we?" I asked, sceptical of his choice of words. Edward had all of the time in the world. The Cullens had time. Even Jake did. I didn't.

"We're here aren't we? Nothin' but free time now."

"How's the pack up in Horton 35?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Obviously they're awesome now that they've had training from me." He said, blowing on his knuckles and rubbing them on the shoulder of his black t-shirt.

"Of course. And Dane?"

"Oh, yeah, the pain in everyone's ass. He's fine. Spends a lot of time with a girl, Sophia."

"Yeah. He imprinted on her." I sighed, considering Dane for a split second, what it would be like with him. We were best friends, wouldn't it just click? If he hadn't imprinted already, that is. He was my best friend and the only other person who knew everything there was about me. I pictured it, us on the beach and hanging out in his room, only to realize I was imagining the old Dane, pre-wolf. Plus it would never work, even in my fantasies the closest relationship between us is that of siblings. I chortled quietly, in disbelief that I even considered it.

"No kidding. He asks about you though. He's genuinely concerned. Especially now."

"Really? I thought he'd be throwing a party."

"Well, he's happy, believe me. But he knows how you felt about Edward, he knows your history. I see a lot of myself in Dane. I wasn't always the nicest guy, I had my diva moments. But one thing I was always consistent with was how I felt about you. Nothing could ever change that. And he's the same way. He loves you."

"I love him, too. He's like family. _You're_ like family. It's weird with you, I haven't really remembered anything about you but I can just feel it when I'm with you or when I think about you, the kind of relationship we had. And it is kind of like my relationship with Dane. You both cater to both sides of me."

"Both sides? It's still weird for you, isn't it?"

"Sort of. It's like I can't merge with Bella. She feels like a separate entity right now. Especially with the memories. I see Charlie and everyone from back then and I'm just in Bella mode. But then I come back and see my own family and I'm in Stella mode."

"You saw Charlie?" Jacob turned to face me, his body tense and ready to pounce once he found I was remembering things again.

"Um...yeah. A-at the wedding. Mine. He looked good."

Jacob nodded. I looked away, realizing we were getting into the topic I was trying to avoid. I wrapped my arms around myself, triggering my teeth to begin chattering. Suddenly the winter air grew colder, and I was freezing. Jacob got up and approached the door. He reached into his pocket, pulled something out, bent over the doorknob and then fiddled with the lock until the door opened.

"It might be a little warmer in here." He said, gesturing towards the open door. I got up, looking from the open door to Jake in astonishment.

"Did they give you a spare key?"

"Yeah, just in case." Jake said, holding up a bent out paper clip. Jake followed me in, closing the door behind him. It wasn't as cold as it was outside, but it was still a bit chilly. My teeth had stopped chattering, though, which was a blessing in and of itself. It smelled like them in here so much. I sat down in the middle of the dark, empty living room. The only light was the of the moon pouring in through the bare windows. Jake sat down next to me.

"It reeks in here." He mumbled, making me laugh. I'd forgotten that vampires and werewolves detest each others' scents.

"Not to me." I cooed, rubbing it in. I glanced over at Jacob, who sat with his legs stretched out before him, crossed at the ankles, rocking his legs from side to side on his heels. He stared at the floor, his lips squished to one side, then to the other.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, and this is probably a stupid question, but, are you okay?"

It was actually a pretty good question. Was I okay? I don't know. Judging by the last three days, no probably not. But right now, sitting here with Jacob, I kind of was. In a way, he made it okay. Maybe it's because he's my last connection to Edward's world and my old life, or maybe it's just because he knows how to make me feel like everything will turn out alright somehow, no matter what happens. He offered me hope, my beaming light at the end of a long, decrepit tunnel.

"I think I will be." I said, finally. "I know that as much as Edward needed this separation, I needed it too. It's just so hard. Harder than I ever thought it could be."

"Aren't all the good things in life hard? I mean, feel these abs. Go on." Jack lifted his shirt, baring his chiselled and sculpted mid-section. I shrunk away from him. Jake grabbed my wrist, putting my hand on his stomach with a slap, freeing my wrist. His abdominals definitely were hard. And smooth, and warm. I nodded and slowly removed my hand from his stomach. "Great, right? It's all hard work." He said, pounding his stomach.

"Yes, we all know you have amazing abs, Jacob Black." I shook my head and let out a laugh. I remembered now that, while Jake was filled up and down with all the qualities of the best friend a girl can have, he is also totally full of himself, and I loved it.

"Yep." Jake uncrossed his ankles and slightly bent forward, stretching his legs as he rubbed his thights. "Ah, these things, they aren't as good as they used to be. They ache a bit more, and I can't run as far or as fast as I could once."

I eyed him suspiciously.

"But you don't age."

"Not necessarily. I'm not frozen like this, it's more like the aging process was put on extremely slow motion when I turned. I've been a werewolf for a really long time. All that phasing back and forth takes at toll on us, even if we do heal quickly. We wear out, just like anybody else. While we're on the topic, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"Is everything okay?" I asked, worrying now that something was terribly wrong, what with the aching and the wearing out, things I had no idea were even possible for a werewolf.

"Yeah, everything is fine. The reality is that I'm a 73 year old man in a teenager's body. It sounds like a dream, but you get to a point where you're just ready to slow down and eventually just go on like the rest of 'em. Leah and I have been thinking and we've decided it's about time our bodies catch up to our age."

"You mean, no more wolf?"

"No more wolf." Jake confirmed.

"But you'll die. If you stop, you know, then you'll die." I was on my knees now, facing Jacob, incredulous to what I was hearing. It was like having a friend tell you they were committing suicide or something. Jake's willingly giving up his life, just to die like everyone else.

"Yeah, that's kind of the plan. One day you'll die too. That's the way it's supposed to be."

"And you're okay with being gone forever?" I shouted.

"You're proof that dying isn't forever. But if it happens to be forever for me, then yeah I'm fine with it. I've got a lot of years left, another half of a lifetime at least before that happens. I want to die a man, Stella, nothing else." He looked up at me with giant brown eyes begging me to understand. But I just couldn't. Not when it meant I could lose him too someday. Tears began brimming my eyes at the thought of him gone. If he were simply leaving town, moving on to other things, then fine at least he'd still be around somewhere, I could live with that. But to think he wouldn't be anywhere, just gone, forever, was something I couldn't fathom at all.

"You know what I've always loved about being with you?" Jake asked in a chipper voice, lightening the mood just a touch.

Hm?"

"When you look at me, it's like you forget I'm not entirely human. You almost make me believe it, too, and I love that feeling."

"You'll always be just Jacob to me." I assured. And then it clicked why he'd chosen to tell me that I make him forget he's not human. Feeling human is all he's ever wanted, even after he accepted the non-human side of him. Giving up the wolf, he can have that feeling every second of every day. It reminded me of why I'd given up a life with Edward. I want to be human, I want a normal life without all of the bells and whistles, just the ordinary for me. Vampires and eternity don't fit into the ordinary. And neither do werewolves. I stared at Jacob and knew that while he wouldn't always be a wolf, he certainly is cunning like one.

"I get it." I said. "You deserve to feel human for once, to _be_ human."

"Thanks." Jake extended his arms, inviting me into a hug. I plummeted to his chest, laid down on my side and soaked up the warmth. "There's one more thing. Leah and I were thinking and, Wolfville's a nice little place. A great place to raise a family in."

"You're staying?" I shrieked with excitement.

"We're staying." Jake confirmed with a laugh, hugging me tighter.

"This means the world to me, having you back in my life for good. Makes things suck a little less. And now at least we can be normal and boring together." I shrugged, releasing a sad little excuse for a laugh because, while that was meant to be a joke, the reality is it really isn't.

"Boring? Normal is anything but boring. There's a lot of magic in normal. You don't realize how lucky you are. You get to just live your life however you want to. There's no predestined purpose, you get to make one up for yourself. You get to choose who you love, and there's so much magic in it when you find it. I love Leah, more than I could ever have imagined loving someone. But before her I loved someone I knew I couldn't have because one day I'd imprint and I'd have no say in who it would be on. At the time I would have given anything for it to have been her that I imprinted on. It's just so complicated, the phasing and the imprinting, the vampires and protecting the world and not getting any credit but doing it anyway just because you were chosen so you have to. Thinking over all of that now, I really can't wait to just be normal."

I watched Jake as he picked at the dirt underneath his nails, having spoken his piece. I let his words linger and settle, wondering what they meant for me. It was so obvious, yet I'd never seen it before. I always thought normal was bottom of the barrel, just scraping by, content enough but not really living it up. But catching a glimpse of normal from Jake's perspective made it seem like the real prize, real living. Being normal means having options and the power to choose. I had control over my own future and my own destiny now, and wasn't that the whole point? With Edward here, neither of us had much of a choice in anything. It was each other, always, no matter what. But now that he's there and I'm here, our choices are endless. I can practically see all of the doors lined up and opening before me, beaming with the bright light of possibility. There was a tingle in my fingertips, spreading up my arms and trickling down my spine, then into my toes. It was the magic. The magic in being normal.

"Wow." I whispered. "I never saw it that way before. I feel kind of stupid having missed it my entire life, but now... it's not so hopeless, is it?"

"More like full of hope. Humans are so blind. You're all always looking for some kind of extraordinary versions of yourselves. You fantasize about it; in books, movies, TV shows, music...reaching so hard for it that you ignore all the greatness you're capable of. It's frustrating when you save a human from a vampire while they're outstretching their necks ready to accept a bite and jump into another world they think is somehow better. When I'm human I'm going to do everything, enjoy it all. And you're going to do it too. I won't let you crumble over this. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew how I've been acting these past few days." I scoffed.

"That's in the past now. Right now, I'm looking at you, Stel, and I see you getting stronger by the minute. You know what you did was right and you know you're going to be okay. You _know_ this. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you that. If you didn't believe that, you wouldn't have let him go in the first place. Nobody said it would be easy. You're going to feel like crap, you're going to doubt yourself and give anything to take it all back. But one day you're going to wake up and know that everything you did up to that point was meant to be."

"I know." I nodded. He was right. I just wished that day would get here sooner.

"That's my girl. Now, what do you say we get out of here?" Jake lifted himself up off the floor and extended a hand to me. I looked at the palm of his hand waiting for mine to be slid into place, hesitating. I didn't want to leave, not yet. I pictured sleeping here, on the cold, dark, hardwood floor surrounded by vampire smells. Already I felt odd about it, feeling myself slowly sink back into a black hole. But the idea of going home now made me sick. I loved being away, it was easier to clear my head. It was sad that home, a place that's supposed to be my safe haven, is the last place I wanted to be. I'd rather stay here than go back home.

"What if we just, I don't know, stayed?" I suggested meekly.

"You want to spend the night here?" Jake's hand retreated a little.

"Do you mind? Just for tonight. Going home doesn't seem to appealing."

"You sure?"

I nodded.

"Alright." Jake sighed, taking his place next to me. "I wish we had a blanket or something. Do you think they left anything?"

"They don't sleep, remember?"

"Ah, right. Are you going to be okay in here, it's still a little chilly."

"I have you, don't I? If I get cold, you can be my blanket." I shrugged, laying back against the cold floor. Jake did the same, then turned his head to face me. We sat there in silence, listening to the other breathing. Jake's warm breath hit my face and at first it surprised me. I'd never been this close to anyone other than Edward, and his breath was always cool and sweet smelling. Jake's smelled like peppermint gum, mixed in with saliva.

"Bella and I used to lay around like this sometimes. When it got too silent for her, she'd start the game."

"The word association game." I said, interrupting. The memory of it came so quickly. Not a memory, really, but more of a fact resurfacing, like when that old teen drinking statistic pops up one day out of nowhere that you'd forgotten since you learned it in health class in the ninth grade.

"You remembered. Would you like the start?" Jake offered.

"French."

"Riviera."

"Exotic getaway."

"Fiji."

"Water."

"Ocean."

"Dolphin."

"Flipper."

"Spatula."

"Pancakes."

I started laughing at the string of words we'd put together, with only the two of us knowing what they all mean.

"It'd be hilarious if someone overheard us firing off words like this. Probably think we're crazy people."

"Seriously?" Jake propped himself up on his elbow, staring me down as if I'd revealed the cure for cancer. "Bella used to say that when we played. I started the game in public once and she stared daggers into me."

"Because you know I hate drawing attention to myself." I said, speaking without having to think first. It was moments like these that felt like Bella stepped in and used my body to speak. In that fiery moment I had her memories and her thoughts and feelings. I could remember Jacob, looking boyish and immature, starting the game with swarms of people passing us by. It must have been before he turned, he was much less muscular then.

"You're remembering me?"

"Just that one thing just now." I stared at his face now, so manly and aged even in his youthful exterior. "You were just a boy." I mumbled, running the very tip of my finger down his cheek. Jake blushed.

"Yeah, that was a long time ago."

"Now I feel old. I thought twenty felt like the new forty, and now I'm remembering my life sixty years ago, I might as well pick out my spot at the nursing home and settle in."

"Hey, hey, elderly person here." Jake pointed to himself.

"Sorry." I let out a stifled chuckle which turned into a yawn.

"Why don't you get some shut eye? We'll reminisce in the morning if you're up to it."

I nodded and turned my back to Jake, laying on my side with my hands underneath my head. As I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, I realized that I hadn't thought of Edward or the fact that I missed him as much. At home the emptiness was constant, but with Jake it came and went without much consequence. He distracted me, and it was working. For now.

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**A/N: The title of the chapter is from the song Homesick by Kings of Convenience. The title of this chapter changed so many times because of different songs, but the last line of the song is 'homesick 'cause I no longer know where home is' and that's kind of the place Stella's in right now. Thanks so much for reading! :)**


	21. Lonely Hands Part 1

**A/N: I know it's been ages since I've updated, which is why I decided to split this chapter in 2 because it's pretty long and I feel terrible for having abandoned this story for a while. Life's been hectic with work and school, but I'm trying my best to find the time for this too. I hope you can forgive me, and thank you so so much for still reading this it means a lot! And of course, the title of this chapter is from the song Lonely Hands by Angus & Julia Stone. **

**Previously in Supernova: Stella deals with the aftermath of Edward leaving. It turns out living without Edward is much harder than she thought it would be. Edward's absence starts to bring on memories from Bella's past, along with delusions and dreams that make her feel like she's going crazy. Stella also struggles with her identity, not sure what her true identity is - is it Bella? Stella? Both? And has trouble finding a happy medium between the two. ****After a few days, Lindsey takes it upon herself to get Stella out of her slump and back to normal life. After showering and getting a bit of a reality check, Stella feels slightly better but is still really conflicted and begins feeling trapped in her own house. She decides to take a drive and ends up at the Cullen house, where she has a conversation with an absent Edward, breaking down her doubts and feelings. Jake joins her and they chat, trying to get Stella's mind off of Edward. Jake reveals that he's chosen to stay in Wolfville with Leah to start a family, choosing to no longer phase and therefore continue with the aging process.

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20. Lonely Hands

"There's nothing left for me to say to you. We can't be together, we've gone too far as it is, let's not make this worse." Edward stood up from the park bench we'd been sitting on. The clouds were dark and rumbling, threatening rain at any moment. My stomach flipped at his words. I stared down at his black and white oxford shoes, not able to fathom how he could put a stop to us, or why he wouldn't just keep trying to make it work.

"Worse? You are the best thing I have. And you can deny it all you want but I'm the best thing you have, too." I got up, the skirt of the squaw dress I wore fluttering between my knees as I quickly went after him, determined not to let him go until we settled this and until he saw that we belonged together, regardless of what separates us.

"Which is why it's best if we simply go our separate ways. I love you too much to subject you to my world. You're too good for it. Why can't you see that?"

"Because it's not true. I'm good wherever you are. I know what I want. I want you. And I know you want me too. Who cares about everything else?"

"Bella, please." Edward pinched the bridge of his nose with his right hand and, with his left, swatted his light grey blazer away, resting his hand just above the waist of his trousers. He dropped his hand from his nose and glared at me with a fierceness I'd never seen in his eyes before. "I'm dangerous!" He shouted, stabbing his fingertips into his chest. He then took a quick sweep of our surroundings to be sure no one was around. He leaned closer to me with piercing eyes, "Do you realize how easy it is for me to kill you?" He said through his teeth, hushing his tone now. "My throat burns for your _blood_. I want to kiss you and drain you of every last drop at the same time. I'm a monster, Bella. And I could never live with myself if I _ever_ hurt you. Ever. We end this now, so that I can go away knowing I don't pose a threat to your life and you can move on with a nice, normal boy." His nostrils flared and he took a generous gulp as he slowly leaned back. I knew he was trying to scare me away, to rock me with fear and make me forget that I love him with everything that I am. I almost wanted to laugh at him because that could never work, I could never be afraid of him or stop loving him.

"Too late." I shrugged. "Nothing you say or do could ever make me stop loving you or wanting you. I don't know what it is you're more afraid of, that you possess the potential to kill me or that you love me so much that you forget? I mean, is that it? Do I make you lose control, Edward? Do I challenge you? Do I make you unsure of everything you've ever known?" I pressed myself up against his chest, forcing him to face me, to confront his fears so that we could move past this.

"Yes." He whispered, looking away into the trees as if disgusted with himself. I placed a hand on his jaw and turned his face towards me.

"Good." I lifted myself on to my toes and pressed my lips to his. He melted into my lips, the walls he tried so hard to keep intact crumbling beneath our kiss. He may be a big, bad vampire, but I was his weakness and he knew it. And he could never live without me, nor I without him.

"Phone." Edward said, mid-kiss. I pulled away.

"What?"

A vibration jarred in between my ribs and the hardwood floor I'd been sleeping on. I rolled on to my back, locating my phone which had somehow dislodged from the pocket of my jeans and slid upwards towards my abdomen during my sleep. I glanced at the time first, it was almost four in the morning, and then noticed that it was home calling.

"Hello?" I answered groggily. I got up and walked over to the other side of the room to stand by the window. It was still dark, the bare trees barely visible around the Cullen house.

"Stella, where are you? Are you alright?" My dad asked, panic seeping through the calmness he tried to sustain in his voice.

"Yeah, why?"

"Why? Why!" He shouted, something I'd rarely heard my dad do. "Where are you?"

"I'm," I glanced behind my shoulder to Jake, realizing that my parents had no idea of his existence and that if I said his name they'd assume the worst and probably think I was off having some desperate fling with a random stranger in lieu of my recent state these past few days. "at Dane's. Yeah, I must have fallen asleep, I'm sorry."

"You had me worried sick, Stella. We all thought you were in your bedroom asleep, then I go to check on you and you aren't there. Your mother doesn't know, you know how she'd get. You could have told us you were going to Dane's, we would have let you go no problem."

"I know, and I'm so sorry. Where's mom now?"

"She's asleep."

"I'll try to get home before she gets up, but if I don't just...I don't know, just tell her I'm at Jessica's, so she doesn't freak out. Please, Dad?"

"Alright. I'll also tell her I lifted your ban from the car." He grumbled, annoyed.

"Right, sorry. Listen, I've got to go, I don't want to wake anyone else up. I'll call later, k?" I said, hanging up before my dad could continue.

I felt bad about leaving and making my dad worry, but at the same time I didn't care. There were other more important things that mattered to me now. I dropped my hand to my side and let me arm swing with the weight of my phone as I watched Jacob sleep. I then glanced over to the stair case, curious about the rest of the house. Using my phone as a flash light, I made my way through the dark to the staircase, carefully and quietly placing my foot on one step after the other until I reached the top. I slid my fingertips along the wall to my left, feeling around and following the little blue beam of light from my phone until I reached the room in the back right corner of the house. It was the only room with the door wide open. I peaked in, as if someone would be there that I was sneaking up on. I laughed under my breath and walked to the center of the room, looking out of the wall-to-ceiling windows that replaced the wall to my left and the wall in front of me. The windows were panelled vertically with dark brown beams. In my head I pictured Edward's desk being to my left against the wall by the door, then stacks of books on the floor and the long white leather couch he had next to the window. Across from that was where he kept his music collection and other odds and ends he'd gathered throughout his years. To get to know Edward, all you had to do was step into his room where everything about him lay out in the open for you to discover. But it was all gone now, every trace of him gone, and this room failed to bare any significance to me anymore. It was just a room, and anything that happened here was long gone, moments seemingly zapped out of thin air, stashed away in the clouds and carried far, far away.

I walked over to the spot where the couch used to be and sat on the ledge of the window, drumming my fingers underneath the ledge while tapping my foot. The longer I sat there, the more I realized I wasn't really feeling sad or depressed anymore. Not that I didn't miss him, because I did agonizingly miss him. But, I wasn't sad, nor was I happy. I just was. It was like when he first left and it simply hadn't hit me yet. But now that it has, and I went through the motions, perhaps it's all simply starting to settle, like the last bit of falling snow settling into the ground after a huge snow storm. Things get a little clearer, a bit quieter and you start to enjoy the fresh change in the air and on the ground, realize it's not so bad. It feels right, even. I couldn't wait to get to that point, where I went beyond knowing this was the right choice to finally feeling it. I didn't enjoy it yet, and it my heart still hurt, as if he'd branded it with his name and it was still smoking and burning from the heat of the hot iron. But it was healing, very slowly, but it was healing around his claimed territory, a mark that would last long after it's healed over.

I wondered where he was now, what route they'd chosen to take. They must be past Quebec by now, I imagined, maybe even having passed through Ontario too. Maybe in Manitoba they took it north to Nunavut, continuing west through the Northwest Territories and Yukon territories, finally reaching Alaska. I wondered who would be meeting the Cullens once they got there. Did Tanya really exist too? Was she pretty? Well, probably gorgeous considering she's one of them.

I shook the thought out of my head, not exactly relishing in the idea of Edward being with someone else, but knowing it was an experience he had to have. I looked over my shoulder out the window behind me, finding that it had begun to snow, lightly dusting the forest floor and the bare, grey branches of the trees. In the haze of falling snow and little sleep, I could see him down below, looking up at me in the window with hands in the pockets of a grey suit, smiling. I smiled back and waved, then felt silly for it, knowing he wasn't really there. I rubbed my eyes and turned my back to the window, leaning my head against the cold glass. It'll be better, I reminded myself, someday it'll be better.

I turned on my cell phone for light again and decided to go back downstairs before Jake noticed I wasn't there. I reached the doorway, turned to take one last look at Edward's old room, then made my way down the hallway to the staircase, tip toeing down the steps and across the living room to where Jacob lay sleeping. I laid down in the spot I was in before and stared at the ceiling which seemed so very high in the dark.

I drifted in and out of sleep, wrestling with the hard floor every time I woke up. Eventually the sun began to peak through in between the trees, turning the sky various shades of orange and ivory, with the bare branches of the trees impeding on it like giant claws. I sat up, folding my knees into my chest and wrapping my arms around them as I took in the scene outside. The world was quiet and it felt as though I were the only person awake to see the woods illuminated like this. I wanted to capture it, to save it forever. I wished I could share it, to sit here with someone who could stare at the same picture and not say a word, just enjoy the moment, a witness to the beauty. Edward would have liked this. I formed him beside me, a transparent figure sitting with his ankles crossed and knees to his chest, watching the woods with me while glancing at me every once in a while. And I'd steal a look at him and we'd share a smile, then return our eyes to the world before us. I wondered what kind of sights Edward was seeing, wherever he was now. Were they as beautiful as this? Did he conjure up an image of me to keep him company while he admired them?

My phone bounced and buzzed against the hardwood floor, which woke Jacob up. I turned and reached for it while Jake rubbed his eyes and drowsily asked what was happening.

"It's just a text." I explained, flipping my phone open to see who it was.

"What time is it?" Jake asked.

"Twenty after seven."

"Jesus, who's texting you this early?" Jake groaned as he sat up, draping his arms over his bent knees.

"It's just Jessica, she wants to know if I'm going to school."

"Oh, that's right." Jake's eyes widened and he motioned to get up. "I forgot you have school."

"Wait," I grabbed his arm, pulling him back to the floor. "I'm not going." Jake sat down with a thud.

"What? Why not?"

"I just," I sighed, shaking my head as I tried to come up with some kind of acceptable excuse. Jake rose his eyebrows, waiting for my answer. "I'm not up for it yet." I shrugged, proceeding to text Jessica back to let her know I wasn't going to class today.

"Come on, Stella, you can't cut yourself off from the world. School will help you get back into your old groove." He got up again and towered over me, waiting for me to get up and follow him out.

"I'll go. Eventually." I pressed send on my phone, officially letting Jess know I wouldn't be in class today. Jake sighed.

"Go to school. For me. I'll even go with you, if you want."

I imagined walking into class with Jake, the beefy hunk that he is, fresh after Edward left. The things people would think, the reaction from Jessica...it wasn't worth the embarrassment and the judgement. I'd much rather go alone and face the music of being the pathetic girl who got depressed after her boyfriend of nearly three months split, than the girl who hopped on to another guy a week later. The rumours would spread like wild fire.

"Fine. But I'll go on my own." I took Jake's hand, shooting up without any effort on my part. I wobbled on my feet, finding my balance again. "Thanks." I nodded, feeling a little woozy. Jake laughed and pulled me to the door. I took one last sweep of the empty inside of the house, then closed the door behind me, knowing it would probably be best to never come back again.

Jake released my hand and walked over to his motorbike, fastening his helmet to his head before swinging his leg over and kicking the start engine, bringing the bike to life with a crisp roar. I got into my car and put the key in the ignition, watching from the rear view mirror as Jake spun around and zoomed out of view. I turned my car around and followed him out to Greenwich, then to Main Street where we drove until we got to my house. I parked by the curb and got out. Jake pulled by beside me and informed me that he would be back in time to escort me to school. He didn't trust that I'd actually go, and I didn't blame him because neither did I.

When I got inside, Dad was just about to leave for work. His hand shot to his heart when he saw me emerge from the front door as he was about to slip on his other loafer. I smiled cautiously, bringing my shoulders up to my ears as I closed the door behind me. I tried to laugh it off, like 'ha, kids, what can ya do?', but he wasn't buying it.

"Stella Marie Swift." His voice rose in emphasis as he pristinely pronounced my full name. My bottom lip disappeared into my mouth immediately. Dad stared at me, as if not sure himself what he would say or do next. Then, his shoulders relaxed with a sigh and he extended his arms out to me, pulling me into his slightly protruding belly. "Glad you're safe, kiddo. And don't you dare do that again." He kissed the top of my head, cradling me. I breathed in the scent of his cologne, a woodsy scent with hint of cinnamon and vanilla, along with the faint bitterness of cigar smoke nestled in the fibres of his green striped button up shirt.

"Mom won't be too happy if she finds out." I whispered, teasing him. Mom hated that he smoked the stuff, said it was one step away from cigarettes and a hop away from cancer.

"Well, it'll be our little secret then, hm?" He pulled away, rose his eyebrows and gestured to the door. I smiled, glad we had a mutual agreement. He reached for the door, then turned as I approached the stairs. "See you at lunch, then?" he asked, since lately I'd been home, sulking.

"Nope, not today. I've got school."

"That's my girl." He winked, then disappeared behind the front door.

Upstairs, I'd passed my mom reading the paper in the kitchen with a mug of coffee in hand. She nodded, bringing the coffee to her lips, as if it was completely normal that I was coming home just now, a regular thing. I figured my dad must have told her I was at Jessica's, explaining why she wasn't jumping out of her seat, hugging me and yelling at me at the same time for just disappearing. I was thankful for that. I passed Lindsey's room, where she stood in front of the mirror pushing her fingers into the roots of her hair and spraying a vast amount of hairspray from an aerosol can. The hiss from the hairspray spraying stopped and the can made a 'pop' sound when Lindsey set it down and came walking after me.

"So, is this your new thing?" She asked, one hand on her hip, her foot tapping and her eyebrows raised at me disapprovingly.

"What?" I asked, holding in a chuckle. One side of her head of perfectly curled hair was much bigger than the other.

"This sneaking out all night, not even calling, then sneaking back in the next morning. You know what it looks like? The walk of shame. And your hair, well..." She smirked.

"I feel absolutely no shame. And I was at Jessica's. It was completely innocent."

"Right. So I guess they use Jessica kind of like they use the name Jamie or Casey, you know like gender neutral? Because beefcake on the motorcycle certainly doesn't look like a Jessica to me."

I licked my lips and tried to laugh it off, but she wasn't easily fooled. Obviously, she'd seen Jake outside as he stopped to tell me he'd be back. I could lie and say he was only stopping for directions, but Jake was someone I'd planned to bring around eventually, like I would any friend. It'd be difficult to make that transition if Lindsey knows him as the 'beefcake' who stopped to ask me for directions.

"Look, he's just an old friend I ran into. He wanted to make sure I got home alright. It's honestly nothing." I explained.

"Hm," She shrugged. "That's too bad. He's hot." And with that, she turned around and returned to her mirror, bottle of hairspray in hand and fingers shoved into the deflated side of her head, ready to primp and fluff.

I proceeded to my own room, closed the door behind me and b-lined it for my closet, trying to get in and out as quickly as possible. There was a fear bubbling inside me that if I stayed too long, looked at a sensitive spot in the room, or, God forbid, triggered another memory, I'd never leave. All it took was one tiny little misstep to send me spiralling back. Being in my own room where so much happened, where the dust of recent memories resided, made me realize how fragile I am. I always thought I was stronger, that it would take more than glancing at a window to make me crumble, but apparently that was untrue.

Facing my closet, not daring to look beyond the clothing in front of me, I plucked a blue, plaid button up with quarter length sleeves from the top wrack and a pair of faded black skinny jeans from the bottom, rushing out of the room and into the bathroom where I released the breath I was surprised to find I was holding. It was like my body was running on autopilot, prepped to avoid anything that would remind me of what was missing and that what was left was fleeting quick. I shimmied the yoga pants down, stepped out and grabbed my jeans, hopping to get them on. I flung my sweater off, realizing I hadn't grabbed an under shirt. I opened the bathroom door, reaching my arm around the wall and into my room where a pile of clean clothes were stacked on my night stand by the door, grabbed a handful of clothes and pulled them into the bathroom. Thankfully, I'd grabbed a white tank top within the bunch and slipped that on. I started to barrel down the hall while inserting my arms into the sleeves of my blouse, buttoning it up as I went down the stairs. I approached my shoes, about to slip my feet in when I remembered my backpack was in my room. I grunted and trudged up the stairs, raced down the hall and swung around my door, bending down to grab my bag. It was like some forces were against me, forcing me to continue to face my room. And then it hit me – where would I sleep tonight? Ugh.

"I'm going to school!" I called out as I hopped down the stairs for the second time, slipping on a pair of black TOMS cordones, my keys jangling in my right hand.

"Oh, honey wait!" I could hear my mom's chair slide back against the tiled kitchen floor, then her slippers swish-swash as she appeared at the top of the stairs, facing the hallway to her right. "Lindsey, would you like Stella to give you a ride to school?" She hollered.

"No!" I moaned.

"If you're going to leave this early you can drive your sister to school. Come on, save me a trip." She pouted.

"Can't she take the bus?" I whined. My mom shook her head.

"She has this big poster board for a class presentation, she didn't want it to get wrecked on the bus."

"Fine, I'll take her." I sighed, stomping up the eight steps to top floor. I continued my stomp, although less audibly, to Lindsey's room.

"I'm almost ready." She said as I plopped down on her bed, watching as she twirled her finger around a few stray curls.

"What's your presentation on?" I asked, wary not to glance around the room at the plethora of Twilight merchandise – 90% of which was centered around Edward.

"The Great Gatsby. We had to pick a character out of a hat and then do a whole thing about them. I got Gatsby."

"Really? That's great. I bet a lot of people wanted Gatsby."

"Yeah, people kept trying to trade with me but I was like, no way. Even Sean had to step in as, like, my body guard to get people to lay off. Like, it's a stupid school project, not the answer to life's biggest questions, settle down." Lindsey rolled her eyes, then plucked a peachy-pink coloured lip gloss from a glass cup she'd decorated with sparkly fish stickers to hold all of her lip glosses and lip balms.

"How is Sean?" I asked, remembering she'd referred to him as worthy to be her new 'Edward'. At the thought, I glanced up at the calendar featuring Robert Pattinson's face. My eye narrowed in on the 17th box, the anniversary of the day I died, or Bella rather, and the day he left. I then zeroed in on today, the 23rd. Day six. Why does it feel like a thousand?

Lindsey slid the lip gloss wand back and forth across her bottom lip, crouching as she made quicker strokes, then pursed her lips and turned to face me, her face lit up in the biggest smile I'd ever seen dawn across her face.

"Oh-em-gee, he's just absolutely amazing!" She screeched. Suddenly her face relaxed and she bit down on her bottom lip. "I mean, you know, he's good, I guess." She began to turn around again. I realized she must think hearing about her happiness with a boy would make me upset and had to correct it immediately.

"Linds, you don't have to do that. I'm happy for you." I said, getting up to give her a hug. "You'll have to bring this Sean around for dinner sometime so I can meet him." Lindsey lit up again.

"Maybe you can when you drop me off! He usually meets me outside so we can walk to class together. Let's go!" She bent down to pick up her seizure-inducing sparkly backpack and pulled me by the arm, dragging me down the stairs and out the door to the car. I glanced to my left as Lindsey slammed the passenger's side door shut, noticing Jake behind a car parked down the street. I nudged my head to Lindsey waiting in the car as I walked around the back of the car. I pulled my phone out of my bag and texted him, telling him to follow but keep a safe distance so that she doesn't notice.

Lindsey and I were both silent as I drove down our street and then down Main street. I could feel Lindsey's stare every once in a while, only to see her hair bounce when she quickly reverted her gaze to the trees and houses passing by in a blur. She was fidgeting in her lap and her foot began to jiggle, shaking the car.

"Linds." I reprimanded.

"Sorry." She mumbled, ceasing the shaking immediately.

"Thank you."

"So..."

"So?"

"Can I ask you something? About, you know?"

I thought about it for a moment, unsure whether I was healed enough to handle a personal question about 'you know'. But maybe talking about it would help, and whatever it was obviously has Lindsey itching to ask.

"I guess." I answered.

"I know he moved away and everything, but, why didn't you try the long distance thing? I mean if you were really in love with him, wouldn't you, you know, try? To make it work?"

My eyes remained locked on the road, but my focus was elsewhere now. I didn't know how to answer, for her or for myself. I'd always told myself it was because it was right. But now I had to explain and, really, did I have any other explanation beyond that? Lindsey sat there, waiting for my answer, the uncomfortable silence looming over us.

"I – maybe I shouldn't have..." Lindsey began.

"No, it's okay. It's just a complicated situation, Lindsey. So complicated that sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me. I just know that the way it ended up was the way it was supposed to be. That's all I can give you right now. Maybe someday, when we're both older and wiser, I can try to explain. But for now, telling you it was just the right thing to do is the only way I can answer your question."

"I understand." Lindsey said, placing an assuring hand on my knee for a moment as I pulled into the parking lot of the school. "One more question?" She asked as I parked by the curb. I nodded. "You loved each other, right? Even in that short time?"

I smiled and nodded. "More than anyone could ever know, Linds. With all my heart."

"Good," She smiled, then turned to look out of the window at a boy standing by a round, concrete picnic table in the courtyard at the back of the school. He was tall, with brown shaggy hair that he began to shake out of his eyes. He noticed Lindsey in the car and waved, a wide smile spread across his face. "because I think I love him. It's just, we've only been together for a little over a week. But I've known him for years."

"Wait, Sean Pimbley? That kid who ate a tub of chocolate frosting at your thirteenth birthday party and then got sick in mom's rose bushes?"

"Yep, that's him." She sighed, obviously over the moon for the kid. I glanced over at him again, realizing he'd had a growth spurt but was still the same happy kid who just loved that cake frosting.

"Well, if there's one thing I've learned it's that love doesn't work on a time frame. There are no rules saying love can only happen after a certain date or that it ends on another. In fact, sometimes it never ends at all. As long as you know it in your heart, that's all you need." I winked, pushing her shoulder. "Now, go get 'em tiger." Lindsey laughed, falling out of the car. She got on her feet and bent down, turning to face me.

"You're welcome, by the way. You're coming back to us already. See, if I left you on that couch, who knows where you'd be."

"I'm eternally grateful to you." I laughed. "Bye!" I waved as she closed the door. She ran over to Sean, who picked her up and spun her around. She looked so happy, and so did he. And I realized, as she talked about Sean and how she felt, she hadn't once referred to him as Edward. And maybe she didn't need to, because to her he was her Edward. And I realized, the whole finding your own Edward thing didn't mean finding a fictional character in real life at all, it just meant finding someone you loved, someone who loved you back just as much – your other half. And then my eyes widened as I realized some of that Twilight crazy was actually making sense to me.

I pulled out of the school, noticing Jake to my left waiting by the curb. He began following directly behind me as I drove back to Main street, then to the university campus. In the student parking lot, I acquired a pretty decent spot since it was still a bit early. Jake snuck his bike in between my car and another, not worrying about rules since he wasn't staying, only long enough to ensure I went to class. We walked together down the line of cars and were about to cross over to where the next line of cars began when I heard honking and Jake pulled me back, staring daggers at the Volvo that zoomed past us. When I saw the silver letters on the trunk, something inside me cracked. For that moment, time just stopped and I was somewhere else, until I was staring at the pavement, blackened and wet from the light snow earlier this morning, that the Volvo had just screeched against as it turned out of the parking lot, leaving black tire marks in its wake. I shook my head and took in a deep breath, snapping back to reality. The Volvo, I realized, was black – obviously not _his_.

"Oh," I mumbled. Jake pushed a hand firmly on my back, forcing me to keep walking.

"You alright?" He asked, gently guiding me along. I nodded. "Some idiots shouldn't be given licences." He shook his head, blinking in disbelief. I just shrugged, anxiety starting to fill my lungs with each breath of bitter cold air. It was unusually cold for November, I thought, sending a shiver through my body. Jake noticed and put his arm around me, rubbing his hand up and down my arm to warm me. I glanced down at my hands, which were red, stiff and defenceless against winter's bite. I stuffed my hands in my pockets, but even the lining of them was cool. Getting inside now was my only goal, while also my biggest worry.

"Do you want me to come inside?" Jake asked as we reached the doors to the red-bricked, three storey building my class was in.

"I'll be okay from here." I said, noticing girls staring at Jacob and I as they passed us and went inside. I glanced around to catch people's eyes quickly reverting their gazes at trees, the sky or the ground, all of whom just seconds before were staring at Jake. And I guess I couldn't blame them because for one thing he's hot, and secondly, he was wearing a thin-looking, long sleeved black t-shirt with a v-neck and wasn't even so much as twitching as the cold snipped at his skin.

"Alright. Call me when you're done, maybe we can grab a bite." Jake slid his hands into the pockets of his jeans and rocked back and forth on his heels, waiting for me to go in first.

"I will. And hey, it might be a good idea to grab a coat so people think you're freezing like the rest of us, and not insane to be wearing a t-shirt when it's negative two degrees Celsius." I raised my eyebrows at his unbothered state, as if it were merely a crisp 16 degrees instead of below freezing. At that, he shivered with an abnoxious 'brrrr', as if on cue. Most of the eyes were off of him, but some girls continued to stare. I sighed.

"What?" He asked. "It didn't make me seem cold enough, did it? Oh, _brrrrr_, I was crazy not to wear a jacket today!" He said, raising his voice so the people around could hear. I burst out laughing, and at that Jake continued with his charade, hunching his shoulders and shaking his body around. "I think I feel frost bite. Stella, I'm being frost bitten it's so cold!"

"We should get you inside, then." I said while holding my stomach from laughing. I opened one of the two brown painted doors and pushed him inside, his teeth bared as he laughed too, enjoying his moment.

"I think I was pretty convincing." He said, crossing his arms over his chest, his biceps bulging through the sleeves of his shirt.

"You'd be even more convincing with a coat!"

"Alright, alright, I'll put my coat on. I can't help it that I run hotter than everyone else. This is weather is like a cool breeze to me."

"It won't always be..." I looked away, remembering Jake's decision to stop being a wolf. Jake stepped closer to me. I tried to hide my sadness and my worries for what his decision meant, even if he still had another fifty years left. The point was that his time would run out and if I came back again after this life, he might not be here.

"Stella, I'm always going to be around." He said, as if reading my mind. "Right here," He pointed to my temple. "and right here." He poked his finger into my chest, over my heart.

"I guess, yeah." I nodded.

"I should go. Have a good class, alright?" Jake squeezed my shoulder, pivoted towards the door and finally left. I watched him from the window in the door until he was too far down the street to see anymore.

I turned, looking down the hall in front of me, then to the stairs to the right, feeling abandoned and vulnerable. It felt like it'd been ages since I've set foot in this building. It felt like the first day of class, with my stomach twisting and turning in anticipation for the unknown. I gulped and made my way up the stairs to the second floor. I then walked down the hall, my eyes on the beige tiled floor, with a soft red border that ran along the walls, trying to take my time since I was at least a half an hour early for class. When I reached room 233, I stood outside for a moment, hesitant to go in since some people were still in there. But retreating to the back of a class felt much better than standing out in the hallway alone, so I went inside. There were huddles of students here and there, leftovers from the previous class stopping to have a chat. Then there were others on their own, packing their things up or hurrying to copy down a note before quickly closing their books and scurrying out of class. I took to the steps on the left, closest to the door, going to the top row where I chose a seat in the middle.

I loved this room, with the plush swivel chairs and adequate desk space, since the desks were essentially just a long, narrow, black-top table with the chairs connected to it. Jessica usually let me take up a bit more room than people normally would, since I usually had a laptop, notebook and textbook out, while she only had her laptop to surf the net instead of paying attention. Shakespeare can get a little boring sometimes when the professor drones on and on, but it was still my favourite class all because of the swivel chairs. Normally I'd be swaying from left to right in the chair, enjoying the combination of comfort and glee. But today I just sat there, stagnant, staring at the empty seats below me. The room never felt bigger, especially as the people left over from the previous class trickled out. Suddenly, it was too quiet.

My knee bobbed up and down, my stomach churning. I could practically feel the wheels turn in my mind as unwanted thoughts forged their way in. Whispers filled my ears, becoming voices. _"I was nothing before you. An entire century, meaningless. But then you..." _I snapped my head to the right, expecting to see his lips there, his eyes gazing into mine longingly as they used to. I'd heard that line once before. Where? _"If I had a soul at all, it would bare your face." _It came from the left this time, sending prickling shivers down my spine. I began having thoughts I wasn't formulating myself, in a familiar voice – _The moment I met you, it was like half of me detached itself and latched on to you. And I knew I could never live without you, because how could I go around being half a person?_ – and then a different voice – _"So I'm a succubus? In all seriousness, Bella, I could never leave your side. I'd rather die first." _I squeezed the bridge of my nose, as if that could keep me from going completely insane.

A tree branch, its leaves coloured dead and shrivelled still clinging to it, swayed just outside one of the long, narrow window panes on the other side of the room as if it were alive, waving at me. It felt like I was dropped into a horror movie. Time moved too slowly and I'd been alone for far too long. I was about to get up and leave when two chatty girls walked in, taking seats three rows below me. I settled back into my seat with a sigh, grateful not to be alone anymore.

Still, as I stared out of the window, at the tree branch which miraculously still clung to its leaves, I could feel his ghost surrounding me. I thought I was getting better, that I had begun to truly accept the situation. But then I see glimpses of his face, expressions I'd seen once, phrases I'd heard long ago, and I almost can't bare it. You'd think it'd be a blessing to remember now, to have these new scenes of him after he's long gone, but it's more of a torture than anything else. I can't put him to rest. And I wonder if this is how it is for him, if fleeting memories of us enter his mind unexpectedly, taunting him the further he gets. I wish I could take them away, make it better. I finger my phone in my pocket, almost tempted to call him, just to see where he is and if he's alright. But I knew that wasn't possible, no matter how much I thought I wanted to. This had to be a clean break, it wouldn't work any other way.

I remember when he tried to leave once, back then. It was only weeks after we'd first met. He wasn't in school for over a week and I thought it was my fault, that I was just that repulsive. But then he told me, months later, that he'd only tried to protect me from him, from the monster inside, but he just couldn't stay away. "You occupied every corner of my mind," he said, "I saw you everywhere, heard your voice, caught your sent – but it was never as good as the real thing. And I knew I had to come back. I'm already damned anyways, what have I got to lose? Besides you."

And now I know how it felt for him, to want something you know you shouldn't, to have the temptation of it haunt you everywhere you went. But we ignored all of the signs telling us not to pass go and collect $500 once before. We defied every law of nature, we aren't allowed to do it again. You can't always get what you want. And when you do, fate brings you back to life and makes you play by the rules everyone else has to follow, accepting average and only dreaming of extraordinary, never actually attaining it. It's why they call them dreams, I guess; they aren't reality. But when that fine line is breached, everything falls into chaos and the seemingly concrete notion of reality crumbles. It's time to get back to reality now. The problem is, once you've had the dream, how can mere reality ever be enough?

The room began to fill before my eyes, and the flow of students through the door grew in volume the closer it got to ten o'clock. Class was a little over half full when I noticed Mike walk in, Jessica trailing closely behind. Mike slowly made his way up the stairs, scanning the room for two seats next to each other as he did. I peered to my left, realizing the two empty seats there. I pretended not to see them, staring intently out the window, and hoped they wouldn't notice me. I knew it seemed mean, but I just knew if they saw me there would be questions I just didn't feel like answering – '_Tyler'_ questions. I didn't want to have to sit there and play along, I just wanted to forget.

"Oh my – Jess! Look!" Mike's loud whisper reached my ears, letting me know he spotted me. Jessica squealed and took the stairs two by two, causing a scene. Everyone turned back in their chairs to watch this crazy girl pummel me, wrapping her arms tightly around my shoulders while jumping up and down and shrieking. Mike laughed and tugged at her black wool coat, forcing her to sit down and get it together.

"Oh-em-gee, I can't believe you're here! We didn't think you'd come today. I'm so happy you're here, school just hasn't been the same without you! It's basically been like a slow, torturous death by boredom."

"Glad to see you, too, Jess." I said, attempting to give a genuine smile. So far so good. There was a dim, warm fuzzy feeling that began to build and I realized, I was kind of happy to see her too. It was the familiarity of her, the history behind her eyes and her smile, that made me feel a little less tense. I could remember happy moments with her, the laughs we shared and the inside jokes we'd created – all of it remnants of who I was, just Stella. And with that was a glimmer of hope, of my old self. I allowed myself to get lost in hope's tantalizing shimmer, letting it fill me to the brim with warmth until I overflowed and truly believed it would all be okay, that everything would go back to normal, as if Edward never happened. But when the noise level escalated and animated conversations erupted all around me, when Jessica turned her attention to Mike and letting my eyes drift elsewhere, the hope dwindled. My eyes drifted elsewhere, to an empty seat or the drops of water stuck to the window, to the way Mike looked at Jessica as she pulled her laptop out and typed in her password to unlock it, how her cheeks caught fire when she noticed his eyes on her, all of the longing and the emptiness seeped back into my bones. It's like a nasty cold, just when you think it's getting better, it comes back even worse.

Mike leaned back, reached behind Jessica and patted me on the arm, giving me a tight smile. And that's when I knew, underneath the smiles, the jumping and the happy-to-see-yous is a deep riverbed of pity with my name on it. I looked away, pretending to clear my throat. Jessica slapped Mike on the arm and scolded him in harsh whispers. Whispers seemed to be everywhere these days. Everyone's hiding things or treading carefully around me, not realizing how annoying and disconcerting it is. It's not like I hadn't noticed Frank Alderman, the son of Anthony Alderman, the lawyer whose office is next to my parents' bookstore, tilt his chin up to me then whisper into Heather Gilbert's ear. She worked at the grocery store, we see her whenever we check out our groceries every week. There were the guys who winked, thinking I was bruised and easy, or the girls who pouted and felt sorry, the ones who gave cautious looks because they thought I was crazy. Maybe I missed the spotlight over me or something, because the more I noticed it, the more it seemed that everyone's attention was on me. It made my blood boil in my veins because they all made assumptions about me, right in front of me, when they knew nothing about me or the situation I'm in. It was like gaining a reputation after being falsely accused of murder, the accusation haunting you wherever you go, even though it's not true.

Beside me, Jessica closed her laptop and pulled out her notebook and a pen, then folded her hands over them. I was shocked to see pages of blank pages and a pen at the ready in front of her, as if she actually paid attention in class now. Her forefinger began to twitch, then moved to the corner of her notebook, pulling back the pages and releasing them, repeating the process over and over. She was just itching to say something. Watching her nervously fidget over it was awkward, since I knew whatever she wanted to say was about me and the fact that Edward left and how I've been MIA lately. And I knew if she asked I couldn't tell her the entire truth. She'd never truly understand. Nobody would. I'll always be living in the shadows of secrets, even when I move past this and live a normal life, it'll always be there to haunt me when I go to sleep at night.

The professor walked in, hushing the class and bringing Jessica's fidgeting to a halt. He carried a black briefcase in one hand and a folder with papers in the other and wore a crisp, silver suit, along with the look of experience and prestige on his face. His hair gleamed against the fluorescent lighting, accenting his jet black, gelled curls. Professor Burke placed his things on the desk at the front, adjusted his mic and proceeded to address the class.

"Alright, good morning. I'm going to take care of some housekeeping first and then we'll get into lecture. I've graded your papers on Sonnet 18, which we will be discussing today. You can retrieve your paper at the end of class. No doubt it would be a cattle stampede if I were to distribute them now. The midterm exam is next Wednesday, that's a week from today folks. The format will be posted on our class website. I've given a list of twenty terms, of which you'll be asked to define ten on the exam. However, if you've attended class you'll know which to study and which to ignore. If not, best of luck to you. I've also provided the essay questions that will appear on the exam." Everyone around me erupted into a boom of cheers, clapping and hooting at this great news. I, however, was left shaking at the idea of this exam. Suddenly the pressure seemed like too much to handle. The dreaded feeling of failure began to weigh its heavy hands on my shoulders.

"Okay, that's enough. Come on, guys." Professor Burke held his hands up in the air to get the class to calm down. "Obviously, Sonnet 18 harbours one of Shakespeare's most famous lines," Professor Burke approaches a girl in the front row, raking his hand through his thick, black tufts of curls. The girl's blonde curls fall down her back like water flowing down a stream, seemingly quivering under the young professor's gaze. "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate." The girl turns to her friend and reveals the blush on her cheek, visible even from where I was sitting. "Fellas, use that one on your lady friends and your guaranteed a good night." The professor said, walking back and nodding with triumph.

"What a sleaze. You know he and Jenna are hooking up, right?" Jessica whispers, nodding to the blonde in the front that Burke just serenaded. I shrug and keep my attention at the front of the class.

"A lot of you chose to analyze the first stanza, which was to be expected. Only a few decided to take on the second half. Some of you focused on the use of season, others on youth and beauty influencing Shakespeare's love or a person's worth. But one brave soul took the last line and tore it apart, making for quite an interesting read. This student tackled the idea of immortality, of literature's role in letting its subjects and authors live forever. It was quite an awesome connection. Even people who haven't read a lick of our dear William, or who aren't a fan, know the famous lines at the beginning of Sonnet 18 and are aware of who wrote it. In making his muse live forever young in his sonnet, Shakespeare has also secured his own infinite existence. Expanding this to literature as a whole, it's interesting how the written word has the power of immortality. It's the key to living forever. If any of you keep journals or diaries, congratulations, you're immortal."

I leaned back as the professor's last words repeated themselves in my mind. 'Keep a journal, you're immortal.' I've never kept a journal. I tried, but I never got past writing down the date and my name on the first page, along with 'this is private, do not read' on the inside cover. I'd never given much thought to my promise to Edward, of finding a way to live forever with him other than his way. I never thought it would come to that. I figured he'd move on, maybe even forget about it. But now, knowing there's a way, I couldn't ignore it. I will live forever for Edward, and I think I've just figured out how.

The rest of class was a distant haze. I spent it thinking of how I would go about this immortality. What would I do first? How would I get it to him? Would he understand it? Would he accept it? I noticed people rising, packing their things and huddling by the front of the class, where papers were spread out along the table of the first row. I waited with Jessica and Mike until most of the class cleared out, avoiding the crowd. When only a handful of students remained, we decided to make our way to the front and pick up our papers. I didn't even remember if I wrote this one or not.

"When did we do these?" I asked Jessica.

"I know right. It was due the second week of classes and he's just getting them back to us now, I almost forgot about them it's been so long." I nodded, realizing I did write it since it was just before Edward showed up.

I searched through the remaining papers, but couldn't see mine. Professor Burke stood behind the desk, packing things up in his briefcase.

"Uh, excuse me, Professor Burke?"

"Yup?"

"My paper isn't up there, I was wondering if you still had it?"

"Name?"

"Stella Swift."

"Ah, Stella! Nice to put a face to the name. Yes, I have your paper." He said, reaching into his briefcase, revealing the crisp white sheets marked with a black 'A' on the top left corner of the title page which read, 'Sonnet 18: A Vessel for William Shakespeare's Immortality'.

"Great work. You're thinking outside of the box with solid arguments."

"Me?" I mumbled, dumbfounded.

"Yes, you." Burke laughed. "See you Monday." He slapped his briefcase shut and exited out the door on the right.

"How'd you do?" Jess asked.

"Obviously she did awesome, he talked about your paper for half the class." Mike butted in.

"That was yours? Way to go, Stel!"

"Yeah, I...yeah."

"You seem surprised." Mike chuckled.

"I just wasn't expecting an A, I guess..." I lied.

"Sure you weren't." Mike said, raising an eyebrow.

We began walking out of the classroom and down the stairs to the entrance of the building together since we all had the same section of 'later British literature' next. Outside, I turned right and continued down the street to the building our next class was in, while Mike and Jessica turned left. I stopped, confused. Jessica realized I wasn't with them, turned around and ran after me.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Um, going to class." I said matter-of-factly. Jessica grinned and shook her head.

"Please, you missed weeks of classes already, and everyone knows you can get an A in that class from just reading the text book. Come out with us." She insisted.

"I don't know. I've missed so much already, I kind of just want to go to class before the midterm." Saying I wanted to go to class left a sour taste in my mouth, especially since now I'd be facing it alone. Jessica opened her mouth in protest, then stopped herself, releasing the air in her lungs before nodding and giving up. It was unlike her. When Jessica wanted something she usually fought for it. It was strange to see her forfeit so easily.

"Alright, well, just take care, okay?" Jessica stepped forward and reached her arms around me. "I love you, Stel ma belle."

I laughed. "Is that one of Mike's many variations of my name?"

"Yep, I borrowed it. He wanted a new one for when you came back, don't tell him I stole it." She said, raising her finger to her lips as she backed away. "See ya!" she called back as she linked arms with Mike and continued on their way towards their cars.

I sighed, standing in the middle of the sidewalk with my hands in my pockets, looking in the direction of the building I needed to get to, then in the opposite direction where Mike and Jess were no longer visible since they turned the corner. Someone coughed behind me, forcing me to look to the right again. I stepped out of the way, letting a guy in a letterman's jacket pass by. I had a few minutes to get to class, minutes I played with as I teetered between going to class and skipping. Jessica was right, I'd missed so much already, and as long as I did the readings I could easily ace that class. But the midterm was coming up and if I didn't go I could miss the review, and our professor for later British literature never updated the class website.

I groaned, leaning up against a light post as I weighed my options. The journal idea popped into my mind again. I knew it was the perfect way to conserve myself forever, but I was never the diary type, I had no idea where to start. What would I say? Will it be autobiographical or chronological? I imagined myself opening a book to a crisp, new page and writing his name down. All I could think of saying to him right now was that I loved him and that I missed him. But that said nothing of my life. How do people do it, just write page after page about themselves? I realized then that I had an entire anthology of journals at my disposal at my parents' bookstore. Dad was always buying journals, all old, cracked and dirty, belonging to random people who lived in different times. He's fascinated with life a century ago – not the history or the facts, but the actual life of it all, the people, the language, the culture, things you could only know about from someone who was there in the middle of it all. That's what I wanted to give to Edward, a window into the parts of my life he can't be here for, making it almost as if he were there with me. I wanted to reach out from the binding and pull him into my world. And whenever he missed me or wanted to be with me, he could flip to a page and read, bringing me to life just for him. But when I tried to imagine myself sitting down, trying to put pen to paper, nothing good would come out.

I pulled out my phone to call my Dad, when I couldn't remember his number for the life of me. I pulled up my contacts when I saw Alice's name. It would be so easy to call her, just to see what was going on over there, wherever 'there' was for them now. Alice wasn't off limits, I wasn't trying to move on from her, we weren't the ones who needed the clean break. Maybe it would be okay to talk to her, to get the inside scoop. The idea of calling Alice settled in with me until I was convinced of it, that it would be fine and I could easily delete the number from my phone afterwards and move on, that I just needed to know if Edward was okay. I dialled the number, waiting to hear ringing only to be met with a woman's voice informing me that the line was no longer in service. I held the phone to my ear, stunned by this recent discovery. Maybe she just hadn't charged her phone. But I knew that wasn't true, as much as I wished it to be. We were truly disconnected. I wish I'd never become aware of it.

I scrolled down the contacts list, finding Dad, and pressed 'call' as I began walking down the street, away from the building where my class was being held.

"Y'ello!" My dad answered with the sound of shuffling in the background.

"Dad, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Oh, just moving some boxes from the back of the shop. I've got a guy here interested in some old encyclopaedias. Remember those big, green, leather bound ones? They finally get to see the light of day!" His voice erupted into a gleeful chuckle. He just loved it when books found homes. We were the humane society of books.

"That's really great, Dad. Listen, I was wondering if you had old journals laying around? I wanted to take a look, get a feel for life back in the day, any period really."

"Sure, you know we've got a good collection. I'll get 'em out for ya. Jim Crowley just brought some in, actually. He sold the old Crescent Manor to some people who want to turn it into an inn. Anyway, they – yep they're beauties" His voice sounded far away as he spoke to a customer. "They found some dusty books in the basement, brought 'em in without really giving them a good look through. I haven't even read them yet, he just brought the box by this morning. Only had time to open one up and see the words 'Dear Harold' written on the first line."

"Harold?"

"Yep. Jim says they're from the early 1900s. I'm guessing this Harold was one of the fellows in the war. Just come by the shop, I've got to dust these books off."

Dad hung up before I could say goodbye. I hadn't realized that my pace quickened or that I'd even crossed the street, yet there I was in the parking lot. I pivoted my foot as I walked around the back of my car and slipped, slapping my hand on the trunk to keep myself from hitting the ground. My right leg was folded underneath me, while my left leg shot length-wise underneath the car. I caught my breath and pulled myself up, shaken by the unexpected fall. I pulled my coat down and kept my hand on the car, taking careful steps towards the driver's side door.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry to cut it here, guys, but it's the best I could do! Hoping to get the next part up next week. Thanks again for hanging in there :) 3**


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